Pre-teen & teen girls (punishment, teenage, pills, spanking)
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Who has one? How are things in your house? What are your expectations of your child as far as grades, cell phone use, computer use, ect? Does your child give you a crappy attitude or are you still "friends"? What type of concequences do you have for bad grades, disrespect or broken rules?
Please only comment if YOU are the parent or step parent of a teen or pre-teen girl.
I have a teenage daughter. I personally don't believe in being a 'friend' to my children, I am their father/parent first and foremost. I think as a parent you need to lay the groundwork for your expectations as early as possible and do what needs to be done to help the child get there. I'm not saying that you should push so hard that you end up alienating them but making goals and providing the guidance needed to get there.
Grades - Nothing below a C is acceptable. Being involved is important. One of the things I like to do at the dinner table is talk to the kids about how their day went at school. We also have the ability to look at their assignments and grades online so if there's a downward trend or they're tanking assignments we can talk about it and try to turn things around.
Cell phones - Bought them nice ones. Lose/damage it and they buy their own or accept a replacement of my choosing. Long phone calls will be on the landline. No calls/texts after they've gone to bed. Follow school policy while at school.
Computer use - My kids know right from wrong as it applies to computers. They also know I can track everything they do on them (I've shown them that I can do it). No computers in the morning before school or after school until chores/homework has been done (unless of course the homework requires the computer).
Disrespect - Dealt with on the spot....I don't care for it. If it's a response to something that I've asked them to do I'll explain why and tell them to get on with it. Otherwise I'll just tell them to knock it off.
Consequences - Totally situational. At the very least a two way conversation about what happened followed sometimes by some sort of consequence such as confiscating electronics, grounding, etc.
I have a 13 and 17 yr old girls.
My 17 yr old lives with her father currently (for now but not much longer) she don't get along with ANYONE. She is like living with a bear. OMG. It was better when she was on BC pills... it regulated her hormones somewhat but her father's GF don't think they are good for her so she had rather have attitude. Personally if she comes back to live with me she is going on Prozac or something related. I think she is bipolar.
My 13 yr old gets along fairly well with everyone. Maybe she just isn't into the attitude stuff yet. She had a pre-ACT test she brought the results home yesterday. She scored a 10/25. I was quite disappointed since I KNOW she can do better than that. Pretty much the only thing I did was ask her if she thinks that was the best she can do? Believe me she punishes herself enough. Besides that since hubby has been sick and we are fairly broke (we are paying the bills but nothing more) we don't have the extra for Tae Kwon Do which is "her thing" so I feel she is being punished enough.
They both know I expect them to do their best at whatever it is they are doing but they are far from being our "friends". I can say I agree that sometimes especially at this age you have to pick your battles. There are somethings I just won't tolerate. Some I let go.
Sorry I realized I didn't answer some of the question....
Goodmanm you are correct when you said it is a groundwork laid when they are little and then built upon as they get older. You can't wait till they are 8/10/12 and come down hard and expect them to behave all the sudden perfectly. It starts when they are 2-3.
Grades-- I expect B's. If they get a C then they have after school tutoring provided free by the school, my daughters get to stay and take advantage of it. If they can honestly tell me that is the best they can do in the subject, and the teacher backs them up and tells me they are trying HARD (my oldest just has problems with grammer..just our brains) then it is ok. You can only do your best.
Cell phone use--My older daughter has a cell phone provided by her father since she lives with him. The majority of the time she is grounded from it by him or his GF. I don't really understand the point of having one if you are grounded from it continuously. JMO
My mother bought my younger daughter a Cell phone. She made sure it has free text because "She should be allowed to be like everyone else and everyone else is texting all the time" according to my mother. That is all fine except to me a cell phone is for emergency use, not to stand around in the kitchen and text your friends all day. My rule is when she comes home she puts it on top of the TV. If one of her friends calls or texts her she can pick it up and reply/talk whatever. But she will NOT stand around with the darn thing in her hand all day. She isn't real happy with that policy..but I told her it is either that or she can give the phone back to Nanny. She deals with it. It also applies to other kids that come to my house. Yes, let the flaying begin... I am sure I will be crucified just for that.
computer use-- If I am not on it or hubby isn't then they can use it. But they also know where they can go and I DO check the history. Mainly FaceBook.
Disrespect- I don't do it. It is dealt with immediately. Mainly verbal correction, if they can't correct it or don't want to, they can go to their rooms. My older daughter was so bad before she moved to her father's house that we boxed up her room except for 5 sets of clothing (picked by me) and her bed and sheets. She earned it back box by box which was mixed stuff. Anything that was left on the floor immediately went in the trash. If she don't care enough about it to keep it picked up..it must be trash.
Most of the time Consequences is situational. Most of the time grounding from an activity or item.
I have one, more on the younger end of the scale, but here are my expectations:
Grades: do the best of your ability. If it is an 'A' then yahoo!!!! if it is a 'C' hmmm, if is it is lower then we will get tutoring. If it is because of laziness then there will be restrictions/punishment.
Cell Phone: not yet. (like I said she is on the lower end of the pre-teen. We have told her she will not get one before she is 12. There will be phone/text only no internet. We will restrict use if it becomes a problem.
Computer: In open family area only.
Attitude: not so bad yet, but any sass or rudeness is called down immediately.
Punishments tend to be related to the 'crime' restricted computer/friend/activity/screen time seem to be the norm. Severity varies on the type of 'crime' committed.
I have a 14 1/2 yr old teenage daughter. I also don't believe in being a "friend" to her. I am the parent, she's the child.
Grades - A/B is all that's acceptable, only because we are aware of her potential if she applies herself. She is in all honors classes and maintaining a high GPO is required. Both my husband and I are very involved w/ her assignments.
Cell phones - She's had one since 7th grade when she started public school and needed to be able to get in contact w/ me. With all of her activities, she needs a phone to be able to text/call me. She doesn't overuse texting, so I haven't made any rules about that.
Computer use - Still must ask before going online and let me know what sites she's visiting. She will be getting her own laptop for Christmas, as she's had access online w/ her Blackberry and never abused it.
Disrespect - Not tolerated at all! We strive to live w/ the motto, "WWJD?" in all circumstances. Disrepecting parents is a sin against God.
Consequences - Depends how serious the disrespect was. It can be anywhere from no TV for a week, no going out w/ her friends to just a talking to. Sometimes she doesn't realize how she just sounded, so I let her know how hurtful she made me. Usually sharing how I feel makes her more aware to not hurt me again.
They also know I can track everything they do on them (I've shown them that I can do it). No computers in the morning before school or after school until chores/homework has been done (unless of course the homework requires the computer).
Why is it every parent seem to not realize that their kids are much more crafty at the computer than they are? Unless you are a programmer or work specifically in computers believe me they know how to get around stuff . And even then it's no gurantee...i mean my niece proved that one too me :P.
We have a 12 yr old daughter. She is just starting in on the teen years. We still have mostly good days. Her favorite thing to say back to my is.."Moooom, I knoooowww. I'll do it in a minute." This is said when I remind her to finish a book report, study for a test or clean her room. But I know if I let it go it won't get done So we are working on her making wise choices with her time.
Grades come easy for her. I like to see nothing below a 90 on her report card.
She just got the phone on her birthday. She has to keep it on her at all times. She needs to keep it charged. No calls or texting while we eat, after 9 pm or while walking in a store. She will sometimes stay after school for band and then call when I need to get her. She knows I can take her phone at anytime if she is getting an attitude.
She has a laptop. I will walk by her from time to time and say "hands up" and she knows I am doing a check on what she's doing and checking her history. We have had to trouble so far.
Sometimes I do feel like we butt heads too much. I do try to go out at least once a month with just me and her. We will go to the mall, the movies or out to eat. We need to build up some good happy days to help us get through the rough spots that may be coming up soon.
grades,
We encourage the kids to try hard. There is never punishment for bad grades. The only kid who we have issues with in regard to this is 9yo boy. He is mr stuff around. Tends to procrastinate, leave things till the last minute, not concentrate etc.
cell phone use,
14yo DD had cell phone. Prepaid. She wants a plan. We have said she has to learn to manage the prepaid first. She is forever running out of credit. For some reason she thinks that she should be able to send an unlimited number of texts. At least running out of credit shows her that there is a cost. There are some times when we will tell her that she is to switch it off and not use it. Usually this is if she is tired and giving attitude and needs to go to bed. (and not text or use computer)
computer use
I started off with all good intentions of having computers in common areas but we have gotten slack here. She has it in her room and to be honest we rarely supervise too closely. We have told her and enforced that she must not delete history or close windows when we enter the room and that if we say hands off keyboard then she must immediatly take her hands off the keyboard and mouse and place them on the table beside the computer. We will then ask a few questions about what she is doing. Often face book or skype.
Attitude
Bad attitude / disobedience is not permitted and is pretty much the only thing that results in punishmnet.
concequences
And as everyone knows here the main punishment in our house is the paddle and she receives it every now and then. (lets not though make this another spanking debate. Start another thread if you want to argue this)
If she is tired and getting edgy, then she will be sent to bed.
Last night for example, we had various kids at various activities - dance practices, music performances and so on. I came into the kitchen where she and 6yo DD were washing up while dinner (leftovers) were re heating. She was snapping at 6yo for not wiping fast enough. I asked her to consider if the way she was speaking to the 6yo was appropriate. She snapped at me and I warned her that there would be consequences if she kept up that attitude. A few minutes later when the leftovers were hot and I was spooning them out into plates, I accidentilly kicked one of the kitchen stools with my foot. It moved all of an inch and she reacted to the noise and growled / hissed at me formaking such a noise. Obviously tired. She was then sent to bed with no dinner. This morning she was up and in her school uniform breakfast eaten and ready to go by 6:30. The sleep had done her the world of good. I drove her to school. She was there for her 7:00am choir practice.
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. And even then it's no gurantee...i mean my niece proved that one too me :P.
So we are working on her making wise choices with her time.
