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I just had a question and I don't want everyone to freak out and take anything I say personally, it's only a question and I would love some opinions.
I am not a BM first of all. So I don't know what it's like having another woman in my BD's life and not having a say in how they live. I don't and I won't pretend I do.
I have never spoken or seen in person my SO's BM. I don't go with him to pick his 2y.o. daughter up from his BM house like his ex's did and I don't respond to the nasty messages she sends to me on Facebook. When she calls and I'm around he still answers the phone and listens to the nasty things she yells at him etc. he pays his child support every week and she complains she has no money for diapers etc. but she manages to go out to dance halls and buy her cigarettes...($500 a month is more than enough for diapers. $125 a week)
I make sure his daughter knows I am NOT mom and she calls me by my name and I buy her clothes and shoes and stuff with my SO so that her mom doesn't feel like she has to send them (not that she would anyway bc she told him she's not sending anything anymore in June). The problem is, she always tells her friends and stuff that he won't let her talk to her daughter when he has her and it's because of me, which is interesting bc i'm with him 24/7 literally, unless he's in the bathroom, i'm with him when he has her. BM never calls. and she tells my SO how her boyfriend is more of a father than he will ever be and she makes her daughter think he is her step father and they're not even married.
I understand I'll have to deal with this forever because my SO and I are engaged and I don't ever want his daughters mother out of the picture but how do I deal with this? she hates me and i've never done anything to make her hate me that I know of... :\
-confused
Have you tried reaching out to the BM personally? Perhaps slowly letting her into your world. Allowing her the opportunity to get to you as an individual and not as her replacement? Maybe you should have your man talk to her about her behavior. Lets face it, the only one seriously suffering here is the kid.
The biomom is scared and angry. It will take time for her to calm down. She feels threatened and defensive. Give her space and time. She may never be Miss Mary Sunshine, but she may not be on the offensive all the time. Don't worry about what she tells her friends.
Maybe you can ask your b/f to have his daughter call her momma half way through visitation. Maybe you and the little girl can draw pictures for her to give to her momma when she goes home (only send the little girl's drawings).
Never speak ill of the momma and do not let others speak ill of her when little girl is there.
Walk the high road and ignore the outbursts. When the momma behaves in a positive way, make sure your b/f thanks her. (positive reinforcement works with adults as well as kids).
With the holidays around the corner, maybe you and the little girl can make her some cookies together?
Don't rub her face in what you do, just do what you feel comfortable with.
Keep the focus on this precious little girl and things will (eventually) become easier.... even if the biomom continues fear/anger driven antics. Don't let her draw you into fighting back.... then she will have 'proof' that you are all the bad things she says you are.
I just don't buy the "sends me nasty messages on FB" line when the OP obviously wants the readers of her posts to think she's not contributing to the drama.
There's a link you can click, just takes a second, it's called "BLOCK USER"... they will never see your page again, or any of your posts, even on mutual friend's pages. Of course, then you couldn't see her info any longer either.
$500 a month? To support a child? And that buys lots of diapers... but of course, we all realize food, shelter, doctor visits, playgroup, daycare, tumbling classes, electricity and hot, running water are all free. At least they MUST be for all women receiving child support.
I am personally tired of the bashing of the "other parent". Be it one night stand, divorce, whatever. There are at LEAST two sides to every story. And as I've pointed out before, I have NEVER met the "bad one" first. I always seem to meet the blameless parent, gf of blameless parent, etc first - it's the other one who never pays their child support, smokes in front of the kids, buys liquor and condoms with the child support, never shows up for visitation, has the new gf/bf who is causing drama and being a bad influence on the child.
Frankly, I believe that in the majority of cases, all parents in a dispute involving child support are lousy parents... their first choice in parenting - choosing the other biological parent of their children, was obviously the WRONG choice, to hear them speak. Everything else is just "details". The story is the same in every situation.
I don't understand 'baby mama drama' either. I can't even relate to people who use 'baby mama' terminology. It's up to you to stay out of the drama.
Yeah I swear I see people like the OP all the time all over FB and I think they feed on it. If you really really didn't want the drama you would just block them.
You seriously think the only thing that child support goes for is to buy diapers or are you just being rude? With that kind of additude I can see why the other of the child is annoyed with you.
I don't really understand the term baby mama either.
The OP should carefully consider this marriage before getting into it. Her husband is going to be obligated to pay child support for a very long time, if his wages go up, the child's mother can go for more of his income. In time the wife could resent having to give up things she would like to have and it's very possible, he can't afford to have kids with a wife now.
Very possible the drama will never end - and yes you have to wonder why the OP wouldn't block the messages. What happens if they new couple decides to have a baby - that could further unravel the ex-girlfriend and create more issues.
But - to end the drama, the OP can never participate in the drama. Block the messages, don't make or have contact. Don't stir the pot. If she won't send back clothes the OP bought, the OP could consider keeping the things she buys for the boyfriend's daughter to use while visiting but don't send home if it's creating issues. The boyfriend shouldn't take abusive phone calls, if she can't speak in a reasonable tone, then he needs to cut the call off, as long as she's allowed to carry on, she will.
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