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Why do you care so much what the daughter thinks? You're happy in your relationship, as is your partner. You're both in your 50's, aren't you past the point of caring what anyone says or thinks about your private life, even if it's a daughter? I say this is a nice way, not carping.
"Shouldn't she be happy knowing that there is a man who loves, respects, and protects her mother?"
No. How many thousands of books/movies revolve around grown kids detesting the mate one of their parents chooses after their divorce? It's actually rather rare for kids to ever accept the stepfather or stepmother. I think you're personalizing this; it probably wouldn't matter what man her mother would choose, she wouldn't like any of them.
You say you sacrificed "exceedingly" for your children, and she for hers. This is coming home to roost now. Sacrificing for your kids usually is a nice way of saying they are spoiled. This trait will manifest itself in the daughter passively controlling and sticking her nose in your relationship. She already is a nuisance or you wouldn't be here, soliciting opinions.
Don't allow it. Put your foot down NOW and don't let this girl bother you. Because the more she gets under your skin, the more intense her antics will become.
Marriage is off the table, at least for now, for several reasons which I will not discuss. It's a likely probability sometime down the road after we've cohabitated, but not right now.
BTW, I've made this clear to my GF, and she understands.
Just because your gf understands doesnt mean her daughter does.
OP You are a wise man. I admire you for not tellig your GF how she is doing way too much for her GROWN daughter. Personally I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut.
If, however, she asks you your opion about why her daughter disrespects her and why the relationship is not what she would want, I would say something like:
"You know dear, we are both guilty of setting ourselves up for this kind of treatment from our grown kids. Even today we are catering to their whims while we both know they are capable of living their own lives and doing for themselves. Maybe Jena would really benefit from more autonomy and responsibility for her own life. Little things like doing her laundry and cooking for her are telling her she is still a child and not expected to function as an adult. "
There is a wonderful book about dealing with adult children called Walking on Eggshells. I have loaned this book to several friends and while some don't agree with what needs to be done (cut apron strings), all agree it is an important read.
well I'll tell you why I gave my step-mother the cold shoulder.
I felt like she treated me like Cinderella. Here is one example, She would leave for the day on Sat morning. She would leave a note on the refridgerator. The note was to me and her son-alist of chores. His list-vacuum your room, dust your room, make your bed, pick up your laundry. My list-vaccuum the living room and hall, dust the living room and dining room. See the difference? His list was basically clean his room-she just made it appear longer. My list was clean the rest of the house. Her son was older than me, so that wasn't it either.
Make sure you are really treating her daughter fairly. I'm sure my step-mom thought nothing was wrong with the way she treated me but I was mad as hell about it. I quit speaking to her-not just over this incident but this is indicative of how she generally treated me. I lived with this woman and did not speak one word to her for about a year. She eventually left my father, waited until he was out of the state and took everything out of our house while I was at school (I was 17 at the time). I do mean everything. I came home to a phone in the floor, the mini blinds, and 3 bar stools. There was no food or dishes in the house. I had to live like that for 5 days with the $30 my dad left me for lunch money because he couldn't come home. She probably thought nothing was wrong with leaving him like that either. Can you imagine what it must have been like for my Dad to have been in another state for work and have his teenage daughter call and tell him his wife left him and she took everything in the house too!?!
Just make sure your intentions are true-girls are so much more perceptive than people give us credit for.
My stepmom treated me the same way when she first met my dad, though I was older. All the kids (her 3, plus me - I'm the youngest) would come over to help with something - one time it was painting.
I painted all the closets in the house (I volunteered as I didn't know it was as hard as it was, plus I figured any of my mistakes would be less noticeable). Each of the other three were assigned a room. It took me 2 1/2 days. I didn't notice what the others did - I was just too busy. About a week later, Dad gave me some money for my help. Stepmom got upset and demanded some for the others, but Dad pointed out that none of them had finished the room they were assigned.
Right before a big get together, we'd all be asked to come over and help. I'd be assigned the family room, living room, guest bath and kitchen. It was obvious each time that it hadn't been done as detailed (moving the furniture, vacuuming/wiping the baseboards, etc) since the last time I'd done it. After a couple years, I said something to Dad - I was living out of state by then and had come to visit, ended up being told I was lazy and not helping out. I told my Dad that his wife never cleaned like that and some of those things only got done when I was invited over. He didn't believe me - until I had him move the furniture with me - I'd left notes the last time I was there. They were very dusty (southern CA), but dated! There were a couple smaller things after that, but they did get a bit better. He was a little upset over the notes, but I told him that I felt FORCED to defend myself and felt like I was always having to fight to be included as a member of the family. Like the year I wasn't invited to his Father's Day party. (That's something I'm still not over, 14 years later. I won't acknowledge Father's Day - not since that day.)
After I got married and had kids, Stepmom changed toward me completely - sweet as pie and the best darn Grammy anyone has ever had!
Kids can be very sensitive (at any age) when their Mothers (especially Moms) are dating and are serious about a man. Kids always want the best for their Moms, they worry about them and all they want is to see their Mothers happy. I think you should continue loving your g/f, being respectful and appreciating every moment you have with her. If you are both happy that is all that matters, the kids are all adults now. If she wants to have a cold shoulder, let her BUT don't let her be disrepectful to you in your own home.
It honestly almost sounds like though that maybe you both are just getting a bad reading.. maybe the daughter isn't very happy right now in her own life and perhaps her attitude is with everyone and not just with you two. I would just go about your business, keep living your life and not worry too much about it.
Could be she feels as though she's being squeezed out, both physically and emotionally. It probably has less to do with you personally. She'd probably behave this way regardless of who her mom was dating. She may not yet be used to the idea of her mom being with another man.
Also, although she may not get along great with her dad she may feel as though she is betraying him by accepting you. Over time I think she'll warm up to you. She's still young and you are still relatively new to her life.
I met my GF for lunch today. She told me that after I left last night, she had a conversation with her daughter. My GF informed her daughter that she sensed a certain degree of disapproval from her about our relationship. Jena apologized for making her feel that way and rejected the notion of ill feelings towards me.
I will heed the advise of many here whom have suggested that I ignore Jena's coldness towards me. I had done so with relative ease during month's past. I mentioned Jena's coldness to my GF only because it became apparent to her last night. My concern is mainly about my GF whom I want not to feel as though she has to choose between her daughter and me.
Like most modern day 20-something year olds, Jena is still a teenager inside. Life's realities have yet to sink in. Until they do, I feel confident in being able to deal with her immaturity. Hope her mother will also be able to.
You are right. She is immature and entitled. Ignore her and let her mom handle it. Don't get in between them.
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There were a couple smaller things after that, but they did get a bit better. He was a little upset over the notes, but I told him that I felt FORCED to defend myself and felt like I was always having to fight to be included as a member of the family. Like the year I wasn't invited to his Father's Day party. (That's something I'm still not over, 14 years later. I won't acknowledge Father's Day - not since that day.)
