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Old 01-10-2011, 01:53 PM
 
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Ask your son's school if they have a "Baby Think It Over" doll that you could borrow. A few days with one of those (along with the condom instruction) may convince him to either abstain completely or at least use protection consistently.
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Old 01-10-2011, 01:53 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,966 posts, read 6,841,062 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
@ Sabinerose Thank you for your response. Her mother was present lastnight and we both talked to them. She is very aware that her daughter may be trying to get pregnant, because lastnight when we asked her if that's what she was trying to do, she didn't say anything. Her mother seems to be against her daughter getting pregnant and she said that she is going to take her to the doctor and get her on birth control, but I don't really trust that. I am hoping that she will get on the shot, or something else long term, because I do not trust her mother to properly supervise her taking birth control pills correctly. I said that I would get my son condoms (he told me that he would have used protection if he had it). But I made it CLEAR that this does not mean that it's OK for them to have sex.

We live pretty far from her house, but even last night, her mother told me that her daughter WALKS (at least an hour) from her house, to my house and that's how it happened. She told her mother that she was going somewhere else and ended up walking over to my place when I was at work and that's when this first time thing happened.

Needless to say, I am very disappointed at my son for going along with something like this.

Given the distance, your sons ages and the fact she doesn't go to school i would not allow him to see her anymore. I'm sure he is going to flip out,threaten to run away, and call you names but you have to protect your own. Under normal circumstances you are pretty much stuck but here you do have some control as a parent so exercise it.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:06 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,591,540 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
Given the distance, your sons ages and the fact she doesn't go to school i would not allow him to see her anymore. I'm sure he is going to flip out,threaten to run away, and call you names but you have to protect your own. Under normal circumstances you are pretty much stuck but here you do have some control as a parent so exercise it.
THIS. As I read through this thread it struck me how different the advice would be if this was the OP's 14-year-old daughter. I do not doubt that the first remedy in that case would be to shut down this relationship. People would be raising questions about whether 14-year-olds should be dating at all--or even be allowed to be at home unsupervised.

Why is it so different because this is a boy?

I do not think it is too late or unreasonable to enforce WHO your child can socialize with and WHEN. This kid is 14, not 17. This other family is unsuitable and should not be a part of your son's life, PERIOD.

I guarantee when he is older and in college, he will be mortified at his choice of first partner.

Mom, your job is still to protect him from sketchy people like that. He is a child.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:22 PM
 
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Make sure you set up a full physical exam (that will test for STDS) and have the doctor explain the ramifications of unprotected sex.

I don't think that you are going to be able to pull these kids apart without driving them closer together. I would only allow for visits, in your home, under your direct supervision.

Talk to your son's school counselor and see if s/he has an ideas.

He has violated your trust. He should have some ramifications. Take away internet and cell phone. Then if he cannot get a job, let him volunteer at a homeless shelter (many did not make good choices and cannot make ends meet with less than a high school education (cleaning kennels at the dog pound (irresponsible and unchecked breeding comes with responsibilities) or see if there is a school/college program that provides care so that unwed mothers can work. Have him work with the 20 month olds. They are extra snotty at that age and are still in diapers, plus they are mobile.

Ohhhh, and no more sleeping until noon on weekends and days off of school. He needs to be up, dressed and ready for the day..... parents don't get to sleep until noon.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:26 PM
 
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Ask him if he's considered how he might like having her hand in his wallet for the next 18 years or so.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,190 posts, read 7,943,046 times
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I don't necessarily think punishment is the way to go.
I think he needs to be watched better and educated.

You punish and you push him away, especially at the state of mind he is in right now.
Only educating him is going to open his eyes to what could happen.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:13 PM
 
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Looking back I guess you can see all the things that should've been "signs" that this girl was not a good match for your son. I'm going to say this not to undermine what you may have missed, but for those parents of younger age: kids need sex education and have a life talk - set up life goals, dreams they would like to accomplish. Don't wait until they are teens. They are developing so fast, so exposed to media, music, trends, peer pressure that it won't matter what you say b/c when you're a teen, you're "invincible"

I realize this is something that should probably be started at HOME but perhaps an introduction at school could break the ice to expand the discusion at home with your families. After all we are all different in our ways.
Be careful now that you're going to try help your son through this. This will very likely drive your son away from this girlfriend..you don't want him to rebel against you. I think all the other posters already stated that if he has some type of goals - whether carreer, education, etc he will hopefully rethink his ways and perhaps realize he will be better off by himself for now or at least holding off the intercourse until he's older.
I have friends who had babies at 19-20 years old, which is already older than your son. When I talk to them now they seem to have mixed feelings about having kids at that age. They like it because their kids are the greatest thing a person can have and they themselves are still young and can "have a life" but they also wish they had waited until at least graduating college so that achieving their goals wouldn't have been so difficult. Having a job to support the baby is all fine...but it's just a job. Your son should pursue the dream of having a career and be financially stable to start the parenting rollercoaster.

Good luck!
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:15 PM
 
13,291 posts, read 9,813,209 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
THIS. As I read through this thread it struck me how different the advice would be if this was the OP's 14-year-old daughter. I do not doubt that the first remedy in that case would be to shut down this relationship. People would be raising questions about whether 14-year-olds should be dating at all--or even be allowed to be at home unsupervised.

Why is it so different because this is a boy?
I don't believe my advice would be different, except in the context of speaking to a potential mother, as opposed to a potential father.

In that case, I would be having her see the reality of what it's like to spend 24hrs a day with a newborn, on top of dishwashing at the local spaghetti joint.

IMO, that would be more effective than just shutting down the relationship. If a child is one of those terribly misguided girls who think it's cool to have a baby, a good dose of reality is necessary - because they'll always find a willing partner somewhere, regardless of whether you try and shut it down or not.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:19 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,591,540 times
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He is FOURTEEN. Where is he going to go? He is a child and just because he has had sex, doesn't mean the rules of age-appropriate behavior and expectations don't apply.

Would you allow him to view porn? Drink alcohol? What if he has done both before? Does that mean you now allow it, but counsel him to do it "wisely" since the horse has left the barn? I do not think so. Sex and undesireable friends are no different.

You CAN control where he goes and who he sees. If you have the will.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:23 PM
 
1,527 posts, read 2,245,709 times
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I completely understand the idea that if you force them to be apart, it only becomes more Romeo and Juliet drama that 14 year olds live for, BUT, you are the parent and I agree with the other poster, YOU need to control your son's social life. The sex aspect is scary enough, but this girl has some serious issues going on. I made friends with a girl that had a similar home life as this girl and my parents met her Mother once.... and that was enough for my parents. Zero contact was their verdict. Put succinctly - they're bad news, our decision, live w/ it. We lived far enough away that it was very inconvenient to walk there, we didn't attend the same school.....after awhile (and hearing stories about her) I came to the same conclusion as my parents - -- better off w/o her in my life.

Since your son has NOT demonstrated the skills necessary to protect himself, nor can he support himself, he needs to get the fact that your job as a parent is to do it for him. I would make it very clear to this girls Mother that you do not want them to socialize any longer.
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