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I have a family close to me with an 18 year old that is
messing with drugs , in with a bad crowd, & flunking out of school.
I believe this kid needs something drastic to help him turn his life around but
not sure what. Army, military type school ??? He wants to do better so he might be willing to try something with discipline & structure.
We have something called the Montana Challenge program here. It is very boot-campish for the first few weeks and then deals more with getting kids their GED's and some goals in life. It's for teens ages 16-21. Check online... I'm sure we aren't the only state with something like that.
A friend of mine had (he couldn't get out of the lifestyle and died due to his lifestyle at 26) a son who went down the wrong path. He was in a program (Teen Challenge, I believe). He did very well in that program. Unfortunately, for my friend's son, after he 'graduated' he could not function consistently without the structure and fell back into the wrong crowd and ended up doing time in prison.
I do not know how long (your friend's) son has been in this lifestyle, but the sooner he gets help, the better. But honestly, there is nothing the parents can force him into because he is legally an adult. I will say, from watching my friend's son's decline which started at age 15, to help this boy, the parents need to not 'give in' and accept his word that he is 'changed' without consistant actions to indicate a change. It is heart-wrenching, but they have to be strong. Even if this means the boy goes off on his own. If they welcome him in, with open arms each time he says he 'wants to get better' they could be setting themselves up.... or even enabling him to continue with this lifestyle.
While, your friend's son may not be as deep as my friend's son was (I pray he isn't), I have seen the steep slope that is this lifestyle. There is no quick-fix.
Sounds like our son. He did the National Guard Youth Challenge Program (NGYCP) where he got his GED and took four college classes. It made a great improvement, but when he got out, he slipped back into his old habits. After he turned 18, he went to jail and stayed there over three months. He's now 20, is steadily employed, and lives with a roommate. He says leaving him in jail was the best thing we could ever have done. He cannot explain why he did the bad things he did, but he realizes that he's had mental/emotional problems since childhood. His fourth grade teacher referred us to a counselor, and later he went to see a teen specialist. Nothing ever made a significant difference in his conduct or outlook on life, but we continued so that at least we knew that we had tried. Now he is taking responsibility for himself and his life. He doesn't hold it against us that we had to take such harsh measures or for not being able to resolve his problems earlier in his life. He acknowledges that we have always done our best to provide a stable, loving home for him, and to love him despite his repeated hurting the family deeply.
The months that he spent in jail, and the experiences of his cellmates during that time, gave him the opportunity and incentive to re-examine his problems and his choices. He has said that he doesn't believe he would have straightened up otherwise.
One thing that we did that helped a lot was that we moved him out of the house and agreed to pay him an allowance that would almost cover his expenses. One reason that we did this was because it is problematic to try to evict a family member who is a resident of the home. Also, putting a kid out on the streets is an act that inevitably creates bitterness. We have begun cutting back the support, and we allow him to come home to eat, as he often doesn't have enough money for food. But living on his own gives him a sense of dignity that he craves. His response when we told him we were moving him out last summer was one of resignation, and he admitted that he never wanted to be twenty years old and living with his parents. He went through some serious tribulations the first few months, but he finally got a steady, albeit low-paying job, and we passed on to him a reliable car. Things are looking up.
The main thing is that sometimes the biggest problem with an out-of-control kid is that they are so immature and headstrong that they cannot deal with their underlying problems. If you can keep them alive until adulthood, and relatively unscathed, they can begin to appreciate the support that you can give them as they begin to conquer their demons.
My point here is to say that even despite the best efforts on the part of the parents, children have a mind of their own and make their own choices. We constantly second-guessed our decisions to always hold our son responsible. We still wonder whether or not we could have had a different outcome, even though he says that it wouldn't have mattered. But we never lost hope that things could change, and we always let our son know that we loved him very much, even as we left him in the situation that he created. We held fast and were able to keep our heads up even as people say that it's always the parents' fault when kids act out. Anyone who knows our family is aware that we have always held him accountable, and that we did everything that we could afford to help him out. We did not mortgage the house to send him to military school or a survival camp. He nearly bankrupted us as it was, and we weren't going to let him destroy the family.
If your friend can get their son in the NGYCP, it will at least give them a break. It's a five and a half month program, with only one home visit allowed. It felt very good to know that our son was safe and unable to get into trouble with the law. The best thing is that it is free to the family. They provide GED training, and our son was able to get his right away. Some kids never pass, but they do receive vocational training as well and most kids leave with some sort of certification that will help them get an entry-level job in a trade. There is definite pressure toward joining the military, but it is not excessive. Our son almost joined, but he confessed later that he had sabotaged his entrance exam, partly because he fears that his ADHD makes him so distracted that he would get himself or others killed. He even joked that anyone would be crazy to give him a weapon!
Good luck to your friends. Let them know that they are doing everything that they can and ultimately, it is up to their son to do the right thing.
Sounds like he needs some tough love. At 18, he needs to make a decision about leading a productive life, and until he makes that decision, I would not provide ANYTHING for him.
I have a family close to me with an 18 year old that is
messing with drugs , in with a bad crowd, & flunking out of school.
I believe this kid needs something drastic to help him turn his life around but
not sure what. Army, military type school ??? He wants to do better so he might be willing to try something with discipline & structure.
Anyone know of places for wayward 18 year olds??
A couple I know had luck with Job Corps. Their son wasn't really bad but he wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't going to school - and he stayed in a Job Corps dorm and found some direction.
Sounds like our son. He did the National Guard Youth Challenge Program (NGYCP) where he got his GED and took four college classes. It made a great improvement, but when he got out, he slipped back into his old habits. After he turned 18, he went to jail and stayed there over three months. He's now 20, is steadily employed, and lives with a roommate. He says leaving him in jail was the best thing we could ever have done. He cannot explain why he did the bad things he did, but he realizes that he's had mental/emotional problems since childhood. His fourth grade teacher referred us to a counselor, and later he went to see a teen specialist. Nothing ever made a significant difference in his conduct or outlook on life, but we continued so that at least we knew that we had tried. Now he is taking responsibility for himself and his life. He doesn't hold it against us that we had to take such harsh measures or for not being able to resolve his problems earlier in his life. He acknowledges that we have always done our best to provide a stable, loving home for him, and to love him despite his repeated hurting the family deeply.
The months that he spent in jail, and the experiences of his cellmates during that time, gave him the opportunity and incentive to re-examine his problems and his choices. He has said that he doesn't believe he would have straightened up otherwise.
One thing that we did that helped a lot was that we moved him out of the house and agreed to pay him an allowance that would almost cover his expenses. One reason that we did this was because it is problematic to try to evict a family member who is a resident of the home. Also, putting a kid out on the streets is an act that inevitably creates bitterness. We have begun cutting back the support, and we allow him to come home to eat, as he often doesn't have enough money for food. But living on his own gives him a sense of dignity that he craves. His response when we told him we were moving him out last summer was one of resignation, and he admitted that he never wanted to be twenty years old and living with his parents. He went through some serious tribulations the first few months, but he finally got a steady, albeit low-paying job, and we passed on to him a reliable car. Things are looking up.
The main thing is that sometimes the biggest problem with an out-of-control kid is that they are so immature and headstrong that they cannot deal with their underlying problems. If you can keep them alive until adulthood, and relatively unscathed, they can begin to appreciate the support that you can give them as they begin to conquer their demons.
My point here is to say that even despite the best efforts on the part of the parents, children have a mind of their own and make their own choices. We constantly second-guessed our decisions to always hold our son responsible. We still wonder whether or not we could have had a different outcome, even though he says that it wouldn't have mattered. But we never lost hope that things could change, and we always let our son know that we loved him very much, even as we left him in the situation that he created. We held fast and were able to keep our heads up even as people say that it's always the parents' fault when kids act out. Anyone who knows our family is aware that we have always held him accountable, and that we did everything that we could afford to help him out. We did not mortgage the house to send him to military school or a survival camp. He nearly bankrupted us as it was, and we weren't going to let him destroy the family.
If your friend can get their son in the NGYCP, it will at least give them a break. It's a five and a half month program, with only one home visit allowed. It felt very good to know that our son was safe and unable to get into trouble with the law. The best thing is that it is free to the family. They provide GED training, and our son was able to get his right away. Some kids never pass, but they do receive vocational training as well and most kids leave with some sort of certification that will help them get an entry-level job in a trade. There is definite pressure toward joining the military, but it is not excessive. Our son almost joined, but he confessed later that he had sabotaged his entrance exam, partly because he fears that his ADHD makes him so distracted that he would get himself or others killed. He even joked that anyone would be crazy to give him a weapon!
Good luck to your friends. Let them know that they are doing everything that they can and ultimately, it is up to their son to do the right thing.
After reading your post I had to comment: What terrific parents you are.
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