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After seeing how many children of successful parents lost that edge, motivation, drive - I have reconsidered my parentlng style to become more aggressive in my expectations. I am far away from a militaristic model, but I have decided that being very liberal and "do what makes you happy" could be a recipe for disaster. Contrast a friend whose parents were successful - she dropped out of college - her husband same story and with their kids they claim academics are just "hard" for them - they want them to do well but its just harder for some people and so when I discuss my expectations of my children I should understand that not everyone's children operate at that level. She completely did not understand when I said college was not a choice but a requirement and that grad school similarly was not an option of whether but which.
The article "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" is an excerpt taken from Amy Chua's new book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." It's the design of book publicity--generate as much talk as possible, even annoy people. I feel this persona Ms. Chua has adopted is partly her real attitude and partly a deliberate, over-the-top strategy for the benefit of book sales and talk shows.
Just as an aside (I haven't read the article yet): there is a cultural reason why Chinese mothers insult their children. The more beloved the child, the deeper the insult. It's so that the Great Spirit doesn't favor the child by sweeping it away from the living. Make the Great Spirit believe that the child isn't worth taking..no no, not this one, she's just garbage, you really don't want to take it from me. I'll bear the burden of feeding it, honest, I don't mind, I can handle the strain.
It's a cultural tradition that passed down and most people probably don't even remember WHY it's done. But that's why it's done.
Just as an aside (I haven't read the article yet): there is a cultural reason why Chinese mothers insult their children. The more beloved the child, the deeper the insult. It's so that the Great Spirit doesn't favor the child by sweeping it away from the living. Make the Great Spirit believe that the child isn't worth taking..no no, not this one, she's just garbage, you really don't want to take it from me. I'll bear the burden of feeding it, honest, I don't mind, I can handle the strain.
It's a cultural tradition that passed down and most people probably don't even remember WHY it's done. But that's why it's done.
You need to read the article. She doesn't justify with the Great Spirit story, she says it keeps them in line.
I am very frustrated by her black and white argument, as if you don't follow her path you are an over indulgent, overly permissive parent. There is a middle ground where you help your kids set high standards for themselves and strongly encourage them to follow through. Where you help your kids see that they should strive for excellence, but if they don't make it, it's NOT the end of the world, that we are all humans and sometimes we fail but we just need to pick ourselves back up and try again. I don't need to ever call my son garbage to get that point across.
I let my son choose his own extracurricular activities but I didn't let him quit his basketball team last season when the going got tough nor did I let him quit his drama class midway through it either (of course, according the author both drama and basketball are not activities that make for a successful child). It is possible to help foster traits of perseverance, commitment, and discipline without squelching one's child's independence or passions.
You know, Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Steve Jobs, and most other titans of the new economy didn't have "Chinese Mothers". Each was probably pushed to excel in some regards, had high standards set for them, but were still allowed to follow his own passion.
Her way of raising kids is a recipe for depression and anxiety in adolescence and beyond.
To people who prefer western styles, why? It's not completely obvious to me.
Why? Because we like our kids to have childhoods.
There is one interesting aspect to the article, and that is the idea that Chinese mothers are very hard on their kids because they believe they are capable of perfection.
I thought a lot about that, and I'm going to reinforce that with my kid. That she is indeed capable. That she can do things that at first try are difficult, but that she can master if she works at it. I think in our quest for not squashing self esteem in our kids that we've lost this somewhere. So in that respect I thought the article was beneficial.
Having said that, when it came to calculus and algebra - no amount of sitting up all night and yelling at me would have made me a master at it. My brain is not wired that way and never will be. I might as well have been chasing unicorns, to expect an A for myself in those subjects.
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