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I don't know how to help my aged mil. She is 81 yo, and the relationship, which is completely fractured, with her son (not my husband, his brother), has taken such a toll on her health, her emotional being, etc.
Too long a story to go into, but the son has ceased all communication with her, in fact, with everyone in the family, and told family members he has no intent to communicate with anyone in the family, at all. His words "consider me dead".
This is all completely baseless, unfounded. The story is far too long, but suffice it to say, it's likely his own problem, and whatever his "issues" are, that launched this problem. The mother (my mil) said something, corrected this son, who could act rather silly for a 55 yo man, at a public function, told him to not act so silly. With that, he left, and has not returned, that's been two years ago. He won't have anything to do with any of the family, but mostly her. Numerous family members, including mil, have reached out to him, and tried to engage him, but to no avail. As was said above, he told a family member "just consider me dead".
His feeling is that his mother be-rates him, embarasses, humiliates, etc., and he has no intention of entereing that arena, ever again, and as a result, wishes to have nothing to do, at all, with any of the family.
In truth, none of us see what it is he is referring to, none of it, so heinous that it would require this reaction from him.
The mil, as a result, this has taken such a toll on her well being. She is convinced that something is "mentally" wrong w/him. And she might be right, but no amount of telling her that she can't fix it, is making it better for her. She is convinced that he might be so far off his rocker, and have such hatred for her (and he won't engage in conversation with her or anyone else in the family, for anyone to get a "read" on just what his mental/emotion state might or might not be), she's convinced that everyday when she goes to her mailbox, there will be yet another hateful/vile letter to her, to tell her what despicable human she is (he wrote her some pretty horrible things initially, but that was 2 years ago. She's convinced, and everytime the news has a story of some nutjob showing up and killing folks, unfounded, that will be her fate, at her son's hands. That he'll show up one day, to kill her.
She is a widow, and lives alone, and he lives about 7 hours away.
Does anyone have any advice on how to help an 81 yo woman cope with the fact, that in her waning years of life, she may just go meet her maker, without ever having anymore contact with this son, and that if he is mentally ill (and he may be) that its up to him, to see to that, or anyone close to him, but that she cannot help him, he doesn't want her help, doesn't want anything to do with her. How does she go on, when she #1) worries about the state of his health/well being, #2) worries that he'll do something else hateful/or worse, #3) worries about the siblings (my husband is a sibling) and what will be the fallout from all this one day when she's no longer around, if there is any.
She is really struggling with this and it hasn't gotten any better. Its almost like she needs to do what he said, consider him dead, but how do you do that when its your son, and you know he's not dead, he just doesn't want anything to do with you.
No because her son has to make his own decisions about his relationship with his Mother. There is nothing you could do to interject, change things, change his mind, etc... He has to be accountable for his own actions. She might be getting on in age and you could say how he's missing out on this relationship, will be sorry when she's gone, etc etc.. Fact is, he's going to do what he wants. I'm sure there are two sides to this story and perhaps he feels justified in his actions.
I don't know how to help my aged mil. She is 81 yo, and the relationship, which is completely fractured, with her son (not my husband, his brother), has taken such a toll on her health, her emotional being, etc.
Too long a story to go into, but the son has ceased all communication with her, in fact, with everyone in the family, and told family members he has no intent to communicate with anyone in the family, at all. His words "consider me dead".
This is all completely baseless, unfounded. The story is far too long, but suffice it to say, it's likely his own problem, and whatever his "issues" are, that launched this problem. The mother (my mil) said something, corrected this son, who could act rather silly for a 55 yo man, at a public function, told him to not act so silly. With that, he left, and has not returned, that's been two years ago. He won't have anything to do with any of the family, but mostly her. Numerous family members, including mil, have reached out to him, and tried to engage him, but to no avail. As was said above, he told a family member "just consider me dead".
His feeling is that his mother be-rates him, embarasses, humiliates, etc., and he has no intention of entereing that arena, ever again, and as a result, wishes to have nothing to do, at all, with any of the family.
In truth, none of us see what it is he is referring to, none of it, so heinous that it would require this reaction from him.
The mil, as a result, this has taken such a toll on her well being. She is convinced that something is "mentally" wrong w/him. And she might be right, but no amount of telling her that she can't fix it, is making it better for her. She is convinced that he might be so far off his rocker, and have such hatred for her (and he won't engage in conversation with her or anyone else in the family, for anyone to get a "read" on just what his mental/emotion state might or might not be), she's convinced that everyday when she goes to her mailbox, there will be yet another hateful/vile letter to her, to tell her what despicable human she is (he wrote her some pretty horrible things initially, but that was 2 years ago. She's convinced, and everytime the news has a story of some nutjob showing up and killing folks, unfounded, that will be her fate, at her son's hands. That he'll show up one day, to kill her.
She is a widow, and lives alone, and he lives about 7 hours away.
Does anyone have any advice on how to help an 81 yo woman cope with the fact, that in her waning years of life, she may just go meet her maker, without ever having anymore contact with this son, and that if he is mentally ill (and he may be) that its up to him, to see to that, or anyone close to him, but that she cannot help him, he doesn't want her help, doesn't want anything to do with her. How does she go on, when she #1) worries about the state of his health/well being, #2) worries that he'll do something else hateful/or worse, #3) worries about the siblings (my husband is a sibling) and what will be the fallout from all this one day when she's no longer around, if there is any.
She is really struggling with this and it hasn't gotten any better. Its almost like she needs to do what he said, consider him dead, but how do you do that when its your son, and you know he's not dead, he just doesn't want anything to do with you.
tough situation. my dad basically disowned my daughter a couple of years ago and we really haven't spoken since other than one argument over the phone. my siblings have pretty much kept their distance. they need to work it out, not you.
I don't know how to help my aged mil. She is 81 yo, and the relationship, which is completely fractured, with her son (not my husband, his brother), has taken such a toll on her health, her emotional being, etc.
Too long a story to go into, but the son has ceased all communication with her, in fact, with everyone in the family, and told family members he has no intent to communicate with anyone in the family, at all. His words "consider me dead".
This is all completely baseless, unfounded. The story is far too long, but suffice it to say, it's likely his own problem, and whatever his "issues" are, that launched this problem. The mother (my mil) said something, corrected this son, who could act rather silly for a 55 yo man, at a public function, told him to not act so silly. With that, he left, and has not returned, that's been two years ago. He won't have anything to do with any of the family, but mostly her. Numerous family members, including mil, have reached out to him, and tried to engage him, but to no avail. As was said above, he told a family member "just consider me dead".
His feeling is that his mother be-rates him, embarasses, humiliates, etc., and he has no intention of entereing that arena, ever again, and as a result, wishes to have nothing to do, at all, with any of the family.
In truth, none of us see what it is he is referring to, none of it, so heinous that it would require this reaction from him.
The mil, as a result, this has taken such a toll on her well being. She is convinced that something is "mentally" wrong w/him. And she might be right, but no amount of telling her that she can't fix it, is making it better for her. She is convinced that he might be so far off his rocker, and have such hatred for her (and he won't engage in conversation with her or anyone else in the family, for anyone to get a "read" on just what his mental/emotion state might or might not be), she's convinced that everyday when she goes to her mailbox, there will be yet another hateful/vile letter to her, to tell her what despicable human she is (he wrote her some pretty horrible things initially, but that was 2 years ago. She's convinced, and everytime the news has a story of some nutjob showing up and killing folks, unfounded, that will be her fate, at her son's hands. That he'll show up one day, to kill her.
She is a widow, and lives alone, and he lives about 7 hours away.
Does anyone have any advice on how to help an 81 yo woman cope with the fact, that in her waning years of life, she may just go meet her maker, without ever having anymore contact with this son, and that if he is mentally ill (and he may be) that its up to him, to see to that, or anyone close to him, but that she cannot help him, he doesn't want her help, doesn't want anything to do with her. How does she go on, when she #1) worries about the state of his health/well being, #2) worries that he'll do something else hateful/or worse, #3) worries about the siblings (my husband is a sibling) and what will be the fallout from all this one day when she's no longer around, if there is any.
She is really struggling with this and it hasn't gotten any better. Its almost like she needs to do what he said, consider him dead, but how do you do that when its your son, and you know he's not dead, he just doesn't want anything to do with you.
Sadly, it does sound as though he has mental issues causing the paranoia and unreasonable anger over slights that didn't really happen.
Does your mother-in-law belong to a church or have a spiritual leader of any kind? If so, please contact them, tell them what is going on and ask them to visit her to counsel her.
She needs to find some comfort in the fact that what happens on this earth, while sometimes very painful, is very temporary in the grand scheme of things. Basically, some family relationships just cannot be healed in this life, but all will be healed in the next
What had this son done that is silly at the public function? Not knowing the whole truth but hearing one side of it. Did you MIL correct him and his behavior all the time? Could he do no right? Really we don't know the extent of their relationship. Just because he's not like the rest of you doesn't make him odd, strange or mental. Unless you can elaborate on his behavior I can't really tell if it's him or your MIL.
Really there's nothing your MIL can do other then to apologize and then let go.
This is something you can't fix. And it may very well be for the best this person has abandoned his family.
Don't lose any more sleep over it. And the MIL needs to work on getting something else to do instead of mourning this 'loss'. If she is in good shape, hopefully there is some volunteer work she can do. Just anything to get out of the house and see the real world. It will help her get some perspective.
I agree with others, there isn't much you can do. I say this from experience. My mother and sister have a pretty bad relationship. We did not have a perfect childhood but I have seen far worse. Everyone has some baggage from their past. You are a product of your past but you do not have to be a prisoner of it. Some choose to be prisoners. My mother has apologized over mistakes she has made and even apologized over things that were not her fault, just to appease my sister. It never works. My sister has chosen to hang onto her anger. It has gotten worse over the years instead of better. My sister is now in her mid 40's and the anger is so intense that I can only imagine what it will be like 10 yrs from now. I have tried to be the middle man because I hate to see such discord but both parties have to meet in the middle and my sister refuses. I had a long heart to heart with my sister a couple of years ago. None of it made sense to me and I thought maybe there was some deep hidden secret of their relationship I was not privy to. But after that long conversation and listening to my sister talk about the slights done by my mother I was pretty shocked that most of it was quite petty. My sister will often decide "she is done" and cut herself off from the family. It is almost like you can feel her waiting for something, any little slight for her to do another cut off. My mother feels it also and this makes my mother walk on egg shells. Its a sad situation and all I can say to my mother is she can not control other people. If my sister choses to be angry then it is up to her but my mother does not have to take the abuse. I hope your MIL moves past it and realizes it is up to her son to renew the connection. Maybe counseling will help your MIL.
I'm going to suggest that she do that. Get with her pastor or maybe even get a referral by her physician for some counseling. She has already gone on anti-depressants over all this.
I know that I can't fix it, none of us can, we've all tried, including her. She has even as another poster put it, apologized to him for slights she never even did, but none of it has done any good. He wants nothing to do with her, and by extension the entire family.
Its just awful what its doing to her though. She is 81 yo, and she is not in good enough health anymore to get out and about and distract herself from all this. She really is, for the most part, almost homebound. Thus, she has nothing but time. Time to pine away in wishing for a relationship that just won't be, with her son. And like another poster has defined, the last few years, she walked on eggshells when he was around, because there'd been a prior blow up that never got resolved, in which he went away for a period of about 6 mos.
I try to remind her that the relationship had become so strained, that she really should be glad that he's made this decision, and gone on.
He doesn't have a wife (divorced) that we can call to try to implore that he be reasonable. His kids are grown and gone, and moved away, and while they do talk to him, and visit him, they don't even see him all that frequently. But they all assure, that his mindset is fine, he's just unreasonable like that, gets mad, and he goes away, has done it to them on occasion.
Another poster had inquired what he's done, what has she done, how'd this happen, need more information. Of course it'd be much too long to go into. Suffice it to say there is fault on both parts. He is much too silly and comical, always has been, but that's who he is. He is actually quite amusing, funny to be around. Always has been. But a lot of that is him acting very silly, think Jim Carey the comedian, and that about sums him up. There was a big family event, all of the extended family in attendance, and he was being his usual silly self, and he got admonished by his mother, to not act so silly. Beyond that, he left, and has never returned and won't talk to anyone. His take on it all is that he's done being humiliated and villified by her, and that if it means he has to remove himself from the entire family to be able to stay away from her and her admonishments, then so be it, and that's just what he's done, going on two years now.
He has written her, in the beginning, some really harsh/nasty letters that let her know just what he thought of her and her thrashings, and controlling ways and not in kind terms. She has written him apologizing, and he has written back that he hopes she has a nice life, but that he doesn't care to be a part of it. This was all two years ago. Since then, no communication from him, at all. She will send along a small note now and then, but no response, a bday card, a father's day card, a xmas card, etc., but no response, ever, from him.
We've all tried to reach out to him, and he won't respond to any of us. He has changed his phone no., for just that reason, didn't want any of us continuing to call him. We stopped in, at one point, unannounced to see him, on a road trip. He was *indifferent* to say the least. He wasn't ugly, to us. But he also was not kind and warm and welcoming. Mil was not with us, it was me and my husband. My husband tried to implore him to see reason in all this, but he kept changing the subject, diverting, etc. Called his mother a couple of really nasty names, and said he has no intention of putting himself in her line of fire anymore.
Yes, mil can be a bit mouthy and opinionated, we've all seen it. But maybe we are all a little more balanced and take it better than he's able to, don't know. And yes, maybe she shouldn't of admonished him for being silly. He is silly, that's who he is, and to expect him to be anything else, is likely only going to cause problems, as we've seen.
Its just so unfortunate. I can truly say that from what I've witnessed, she raised all three of her kids the very same way, and that was with love and care, and she is a wonderfully sweet person (I've been a part of this family for 30+ years). She is a kind, caring, wonderful person, who yes, has a tendency to speak before she engages the brain, on occasion. But for the most part, we are all maybe better equipped to handle it than maybe he is.
Its just so sad to watch the toll this has all taken on her, and continues to take on her, and nothing can be done to fix it. And I don't know how to make her understand that she has to go on and make the best out of what life she has left, as best she can, absent that relationship.
But a lot of that is him acting very silly, think Jim Carey the comedian, and that about sums him up.
That image actually helps. Seen an interview with Jim Carey, the close-up photo of a man with old old eyes, old soul. You can feel that beyond the antics, lays a fragile ego. I can see Jim Carey just breaking off with anyone who, he imagines, insults him. But, he would not have any clinical mental problem. Just the way he is wired.
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mil and difficult son
