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Lately, many people I know who are parents have been telling my husband and I, and anyone else who is thinking about having children, not to. They complain about how much it has changed their lives.
Additionally, it seems like many marriages go bad after having kids. The couple grows apart; the priority is the kids and not the marriage. My best friend, who has two younger children (4 and 2) is miserable--her marriage is falling apart, she feels lonely, I believe both her and her husband are having affairs, and she complains constantly about motherhood.
I often wonder if parents are honest with nonparents about parenting. I think parents feel that if they say outloud that they regret having children that that means that they don't love their children; I don't think that's true, but I think it sometimes prevents honesty.
So, is having children overrated? I would love to hear from both parents and people who chose not to have children. How have these decisions affected your life and marriage?
My husband and I always knew we wanted children. For us, it was just a natural part of life, marry and have kids. We married young, 19 and had alot of fun just the 2 of us. We waited 8 years before we finally figured we were ready, old enough, mature enough, settled enough, etc...When I found out I was pg, we were scared to death and worried we weren't "enough" of any of those things!
We have 4 children now. Our marriage is different, yet better in ways and I think it's more fulfilling and stronger. I wonder what kind of people we would have been if we didn't have kids? My guess is we would have been very self serving, kids change that! I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I know people make the decision sometimes to not have kids (not because of infertility issues) and I respect that, but on the other hand, I wonder if they understand what they are missing...nothing is better than when I am feeling down and have one of my children just come to me and hug me and tell me they love me. The minute I laid eyes on all my children, I fell instantly in love. I don't mean to sound sappy, but I really wouldn't want to grow old without my children around me. And not to take care of me either, that's not why I had them like was mentioned somewhere else.
Only you can answer the question if children are right for you. But don't have them if there is even a doubt that you may not want to be a parent. It is very hard and stressful at times, but it comes back to you ten fold.
It really bothers me when breeders call non-breeders selfish. All the parents I know treat their children like accessories instead of human beings and this is not an exaggeration, either. I have no kids of my own, but I do a lot of selfless things for my family, friends, and strangers and help them with their growth, as they do for me. I have fulfilling two way relationships that I get tremendous pleasure from, too - you don't need kids for that. I am not selfish or shallow. You need to have kids to realize life is precious? I don't think so. The breeders I know decided to have kids cause they wanted to keep someone by starting a family with them, play the role, catch up to other people, please their parents by making them grandparents, dress them up, decorate a baby room, go to mommy yoga, be a MILF or DILF, put them in sports so they can be legends someday, etc. (yeah, ALL kids are the best player on the team, right, i hear it from EVERY sport parent. And they say they do it for the kids, yeah, sure). These are all very SELFISH reasons to bring a HUMAN BEING into the world. Okay, so how do I know that's why these people wanted kids? cause that's all the shallow crap they talked about when they decided to keep or get pregnant - decorations, baby showers, yada yada yada. And now when I see them that's what their focus is - stupid shallow crap - oh it's to do with kids so it's not selfish, yeah right.
Also, I am mostly a shoulder to cry on when they need pretty regular pep talks that their lives are not TOTAL CRAP now. I think when people say how wonderful having kids is or was, and they'd never trade it for the world, it is in retrospect so it's skewed from what the daily experience is like. Of course people are gonna say they don't regret their decisions in life and try to look on the bright side, even childfree people do that. And i'm not saying becoming a parent is not a beautiful thing, or can't be a better experience than what many parents I know seem to have - but it is LIFE CHANGING and STRESSFUL and not everyone is cut out for that. The parents I know were in less than perfect relationships to begin with, though, and that is where the strain originated - they're just not a good team and this is hard for children to watch their idols and relationship teachers suck together. As a sidenote, I think people staying in unhappy relationships for their kids is the dumbest life mistake cause it just ruins everyone's growth and good time. Forget all the "statistics" about divorce being hard on kids. It's much more complicated than blaming divorce. Children of divorce have MANY things in common besides being children of divorce. Like having role model(s) with poor communication skills, poor problem solving in the family, coming from no family teamwork, etc. I have no idea why these people bug me to have children or get married other than to validate their own lousy decisions by making everyone else do the same. It seems to me that kids are getting brattier and spoiled, too. If I had kids I'd have to hang out with all these loser parents more, and talk about what a life saver the good ol DVD in the minivan is, and my kids would be friends with their selfish brats. Gross. Not worth the scrapbooking pages that I have to hear about and look at OVER AND OVER while their kids are running around being annoying.
It really bothers me when breeders call non-breeders selfish. All the parents I know treat their children like accessories instead of human beings and this is not an exaggeration, either...
Thank you SO MUCH for digging up a 6 month old thread to perpetuate the idea *some* people have of the childfree-- that we're a defensive, sanctimonious and bitter group that hurls insults at parents.
If the OP is still around: the thing with having kids is that it's so unpredictable just how you'll adapt to parenthood. My mother simply adores babies and children. She wanted to be a mother all her life. She waited 4 years into her marriage to have children, wanting to build a solid base both emotionally and financially for children. And yet she turned out to be a horrible, abusive mother. My father, who was only lukewarm on having us kids, turned out to be a saint. I don't want kids, won't have kids, but I'm a nurturing person and think I would probably make a good mother if I had any interest. Then again, I could turn out like my mom (the possibility of which is enough to scare me off the idea). You never know. Just because parenthood is overrated or underrated for someone else does not mean it will be for you. Decide if you want children, and then follow your heart.
Well, I'm now home with two children: 3 and 1. I have days when I really, really wish I could be childless and get up and go to work like I used to - and I hated my stupid, mid-management job! Other days I'm unbelievably grateful that I get to stay home with my girls. I love them more than life itself, but there are days when I wish I could quit. Now, here's the thing. I'm only 3 years into parenting and it has been tough, but rewarding in many ways. The lifestyle change has been really rough - I had no idea what I was getting into. Anyway, I think someone in my boat isn't in the right place to say parenthood is overrated. You have to talk to people who have already raised children, to people who have been through the ups and downs. Those are the people who really understand what the whole shebang is about.
Last edited by fjtee; 06-27-2008 at 09:32 AM..
Reason: submitted before ready.
It really bothers me when breeders call non-breeders selfish. All the parents I know treat their children like accessories instead of human beings and this is not an exaggeration, either. I have no kids of my own, but I do a lot of selfless things for my family, friends, and strangers and help them with their growth, as they do for me. I have fulfilling two way relationships that I get tremendous pleasure from, too - you don't need kids for that. I am not selfish or shallow. You need to have kids to realize life is precious? I don't think so. The breeders I know decided to have kids cause they wanted to keep someone by starting a family with them, play the role, catch up to other people, please their parents by making them grandparents, dress them up, decorate a baby room, go to mommy yoga, be a MILF or DILF, put them in sports so they can be legends someday, etc. (yeah, ALL kids are the best player on the team, right, i hear it from EVERY sport parent. And they say they do it for the kids, yeah, sure). These are all very SELFISH reasons to bring a HUMAN BEING into the world. Okay, so how do I know that's why these people wanted kids? cause that's all the shallow crap they talked about when they decided to keep or get pregnant - decorations, baby showers, yada yada yada. And now when I see them that's what their focus is - stupid shallow crap - oh it's to do with kids so it's not selfish, yeah right.
Also, I am mostly a shoulder to cry on when they need pretty regular pep talks that their lives are not TOTAL CRAP now. I think when people say how wonderful having kids is or was, and they'd never trade it for the world, it is in retrospect so it's skewed from what the daily experience is like. Of course people are gonna say they don't regret their decisions in life and try to look on the bright side, even childfree people do that. And i'm not saying becoming a parent is not a beautiful thing, or can't be a better experience than what many parents I know seem to have - but it is LIFE CHANGING and STRESSFUL and not everyone is cut out for that. The parents I know were in less than perfect relationships to begin with, though, and that is where the strain originated - they're just not a good team and this is hard for children to watch their idols and relationship teachers suck together. As a sidenote, I think people staying in unhappy relationships for their kids is the dumbest life mistake cause it just ruins everyone's growth and good time. Forget all the "statistics" about divorce being hard on kids. It's much more complicated than blaming divorce. Children of divorce have MANY things in common besides being children of divorce. Like having role model(s) with poor communication skills, poor problem solving in the family, coming from no family teamwork, etc. I have no idea why these people bug me to have children or get married other than to validate their own lousy decisions by making everyone else do the same. It seems to me that kids are getting brattier and spoiled, too. If I had kids I'd have to hang out with all these loser parents more, and talk about what a life saver the good ol DVD in the minivan is, and my kids would be friends with their selfish brats. Gross. Not worth the scrapbooking pages that I have to hear about and look at OVER AND OVER while their kids are running around being annoying.
I'm sorry, I tried reading your post, but the word "breeders" just bothered me so much, that I couldn't.
I'm sorry, I tried reading your post, but the word "breeders" just bothered me so much, that I couldn't.
Agreed, max's mama. I think most parents could care less if someone decides to remain childfree, and even applaud them for being responsible enough to recognize that they aren't cut out for parenting. What most of us parents have a problem with are the minority of childfree people who feel the need to be angry and bitter, and call parents and children insulting names.
My dh and I have two children, 2.5 and 1. We got married a little later, me at 34 and him and 36, and our first child was born 3 years later. We don't think having children is overrated, for US. We wanted to have children, felt it was the logical next phase of life, an important part of marriage. But again this is for US.
We have also known a few couples that in the last couple of years, have split up. Most, but not all, have children. I *think* that when you decide to have children, you have to expect that your life as you know it, will be no more, and that you are okay with that. A lot of our married friends had kids before us, and they told us this over and over. Not in a complaining fashion, that's just the way it is.
Yes, our life has changed dramatically. I am no longer working at a very exciting and rewarding (but tiring!) career I had before, date nights now have to be scheduled and planned for, we don't go out on weekend adventures the way we used to. We also did experience some tension in our relationship because I was beginning to feel resentment over the what I perceived as the inequity of our household duties. What has kept our relationship strong is continuing to have open dialogue over these issues, to be willing to compromise, and also to remember that this isn't the battle of the sexes, that the other person is your PARTNER, not your adversary, and that they probably do a lot more than you realize. When we keep these things in mind, it deepens our appreciation of each other, and also allows us to make requests of the other person without feeling we're asking a huge favor (unless we are LOL!). There are rough days to being a parent, there are also days of joy. Overall I'm so thankful for my kids.
We do have one friend who have decided not to have children, and they are very happy with their choice. So I don't think it's possible to answer the OP's question broadly. Every couple is different.
It definitely depends on the person and the couple together.
My boyfriend and I did breakup for awhile after my daughter was born, because he was 16 and scared of becoming a dad. After a month he came back and we;re still together now and our relationship is just as strong as it was before I got pregnant. And I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world. I love her and I love being a mom, even on days like today where we're both sick and cranky and all I want to do is sleep.
If you want a kid fine but what I don't get is why don't people adopt.
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breeders are not so unselfish themselves
