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I predict the father and son will continue to live this way until the father meets a women with a son just like his. The father and mother will marry and boys (men!) will become step brothers who will unite and reak havoc on the household :
I guess I should have clarified. What would you do if it was your child? I'm not looking for advice about the job.
Regardless, this isn't about me butting into their business. However, when how he lives affects me, it becomes my business to that end. Other than that, being a friend to both these people in the relationship and being concerned for them, it's not a life altering issue for me.
Duh. I did say he was a grown man, didn't I? I refer to him as a boy/kid because that is how he is acting.
How did you gather that any of this was about me changing him?
Yes you are butting in to their business. If the father didn't care enough for whatever reason to salvage his relationship with his girlfriend, then he doesn't care about what the son does.
Just the fact that the father thought he had to hire someone to cook when you have an adult who is capable of taking care of himself but doesn't speaks volumes.
It chaps your hide that a grown man is this lazy. Be thankful you're not related to them and you can very easily remove yourself from the situation.
They're not going to change for you, so it is very simple you stop working for them.
Maybe down the road the father will wise up, but it is highly doubtful at this stage in the game.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
You are trying to change them. If you don't want to clean a kitchen before starting to cook, don't work for the them. It's that simple.
Exactly. OP wants them to live by her standards of cleanliness, not going to happen.
Wow, LOL. I prefaced my question "What would you do?" with how dad has tried, is probably growing tired and how there is no consequence to the boys behavior - it is a parenting issue. I clarified myself after the first response on what I was asking and I'm still getting input on what I should do about work with side of nasty from the villagers. I should get a life? LOL.
I don't know how posting this here, as an example of how jacked up parenting affects people outside the family unit, means I am butting in or trying to change them. None of this is about expecting anyone to live by my standards of cleanliness. I expect to have my time respected, even when I am being paid. How he keeps his home doesn't affect my work or my time unless it gets in my way. It has gotten in my way. I don't know why that is so difficult for some of you to process.
Dad hired me to cook for him and his son because he works a lot and wants to eat healthier. That is not a sign that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He works hard and normally keeps an immaculate home. Son is NOTHING like his dad. And if dad wants to hire someone to cook, that is HIS business, isn't it?
The boy lived with his mother before this. From what I understand, she was pretty strict with both the sons, excessively so. I know their mom and like her, but I would not have raised my son the way she did. I think he is like a lion let out of a cage right now. I'm not condoning it, but I understand where it comes from.
As to what is and isn't my business, I'll leave that to me and my friends. That is our decision to make. And, in the real world, when one person's existence is an inconvenience to another, it becomes their business. If mommy and daddy can't handle that, they should lock 'em up or raise them the way they should. Society will teach them what mom and dad won't, the hard way.
Now, and for the second time, what would you do if this was YOUR child? How would you deal with this kind of behavior, with a kid who truly has no regard for you, the rules or anyone else? Forget about me and my nosey, no life having self. Let's talk about you.
If it was my son? I'd take him to the doctor for a full check-up because this would be so far outside the norm for him. Blood work. Physical. Have a psychologist talk with him.
Then, and I don't think you're going to like this, I'd fire the person I hired to cook for my son if I found out she was posting my family's private business on the internet. Really. In a nano-second.
I posted in the relationships forum a while back about a couple I know who began having trouble when his eldest son moved in. He is 20 years old and a lazy, inconsiderate slob. The girlfriend has since moved out and their relationship is slowly falling apart. She refuses to move back as long as his son is there. She doesn't even want to visit him at his home anymore because it is a downer to even be around the kid.
Since she moved out, dad hired me to go over there 3 times a week to cook for him and his son. He did ask me to do some cleaning, but I told him that I wouldn't. He has a grown man living there who should be doing it.
I saw some of the issues when I visited from time to time, but I am now seeing first hand what she has had to deal with. This guy is, by far, the laziest and filthiest human being I have ever met. I could write a list, but this is already long enough and some of it may make you gag. His presence alone offends me.
He works a part time job, has yet to start college like he was supposed to last fall, plays X-Box the rest of the day, doesn't contribute financially and doesn't help out around the house.
He has been told, every day since he moved in, to put things away, pick up after himself, do the chores he was told to do, turn the lights/TV off when he isn't using it or leaves the apartment. He simply won't do as he is asked. When dad gets on him about it, he huffs and puffs and makes dad out to be a nag, asks him why he is "flipping out". And it's working. Dad starts to actually feel bad and will even let things slide so he doesn't seem unreasonable.
When I am there, I cook and clean up the kitchen afterward. I have had to clean the kitchen before hand because the boy will make a mess, even though his father has told him to make sure it is clean before I get there. I told his father about it, nothing has changed. I started telling him to get in there and clean when he wasn't at work, but he will half-*ss his way through it and pots and utensils are still dirty. I just don't have the desire to sit through 2 and 3 washes or wash again what he didn't get right the first time. I told dad this is a complete lack of respect for me and my time to have to go through this almost every time I go there. He apologized and offered to give me more money. Didn't I say that I refused to clean?
It's to the point that I am about to tell him I won't work for him anymore. I truly want to help him, but not under these conditions. I don't need the money. And I truly can't stand the kid at this point. I thought my girlfriend was being a little harsh, but wow. I don't know how she lasted as long as she did.
I know dad has tried, he works a lot and clearly can't keep up with the kid all the time. I think he has grown tired of griping at him but there really is no consequence. And until there is one, the boy has no reason to change. We should raise our kids to be self sufficient, but also to not be a burden on anyone else.
What would you do?
My dear, by the time a man is 20 you cannot change him. You (or his father, I am not sure about the relationship here), needed to start when the boy was about 2. You needed to teach him that there are responsibilities and how to do chores and how to have some pride in himself and his appearance. Twenty is far too late.
The first thing *I* would do is get rid of the video games. Tell the boy that there are no video games allowed in the house. No TV and no computer. If he wants to play these things, then he must EARN the privilege to do so by keeping the place clean and taking care of himself. Otherwise he can go elsewhere to play his video games.
Secondly, I would not cook nor clean for him. He can live in his own filth. Maybe eventually he will clean up, or move out (better for you), or develop maggots or something. Wasting your time caring for him is foolish. He obviously does not appreciate it or care for himself.
He is a man now. You need to treat him with some "tough love". It is obvious that you have babied him his entire life by giving in to his wishes. Time to get tough or you are going to be doing this until the day you die. Tell him to man up, move out and get a life because you aren't going to put up with his shyte any longer.
If it was my son? I'd take him to the doctor for a full check-up because this would be so far outside the norm for him. Blood work. Physical. Have a psychologist talk with him.
Then, and I don't think you're going to like this, I'd fire the person I hired to cook for my son if I found out she was posting my family's private business on the internet. Really. In a nano-second.
Oh yes, I forgot. We are only to post about ourselves.
I expect to have my time respected, even when I am being paid. How he keeps his home doesn't affect my work or my time unless it gets in my way. It has gotten in my way. I don't know why that is so difficult for some of you to process.
You're the one who is having a difficult time processing this. He hired you to cook. There are many people who would be willing to cook for him under the current conditions. Domestic helpers sometimes have to clean up after slobs. It's just a fact. There's always someone willing to do the job. If you're paid hourly, then your time is being respected because you're being compensated for your time. If you were silly enough to be paid per meal instead of hourly, that's your fault. You knew this young adult was a slob before you agreed to the job. The job is what it is. Quit trying to change it into something it's not.
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Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
As to what is and isn't my business, I'll leave that to me and my friends. That is our decision to make.
You're confusing the friend/employee boundaries.
You may be his friend, but you are also his employee. You can't be both at the same time.
When it comes to what you do while working with him, you are an employee, not a friend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
And, in the real world, when one person's existence is an inconvenience to another, it becomes their business.
Your situation has two elementary choices:
1) You quit
2) You put up with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
Now, and for the second time, what would you do if this was YOUR child? How would you deal with this kind of behavior, with a kid who truly has no regard for you, the rules or anyone else? Forget about me and my nosey, no life having self. Let's talk about you.
My children wouldn't be in the situation you describe. And I wouldn't have hired a judgemental person to work for me either.
Then, and I don't think you're going to like this, I'd fire the person I hired to cook for my son if I found out she was posting my family's private business on the internet. Really. In a nano-second.
Hell, I would have fired the person I hired to cook for dicating how things were done in my household way before she had a chance to post it on the internet!
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