Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sue, Maybe your mom doesn't think you want her involved in your kids lives? Have you asked her?
My mom never really took an interest in mine either but i think that was because they were all boys. Loud, rambunctious boys.
Labart.. When my son was holding the baby I asked him if I could hold her, but he said to ask his wife. She heard the conversation but didn't respond so I never asked her.
My oldest son and his wife had their first baby 2 months ago. I was finally allowed to see the baby at their home last week. The only time I saw the baby before that was at the hospital.
I'm hearing from my other kids and stepkids (all married with kids of their own) that they're all getting pretty upset and starting to get angry that they haven't been allowed to see the baby yet, and it didn't help matters any that my daughter in law posted about 30 pictures of her side of the family holding the baby on Facebook from the day she was home to more recent pictures in their own home, and her relatives homes.
Should I say something to my son about how his brothers and their wives are getting upset? or should I stay out of it?
thanks
Well, maybe you should simply ask yourself this question first.... If I tell them about these FB pictures, would it do good or would it do harm? Will it create more hard feelings or will it help to smooth the problems? I think the answer is pretty cut and dried, how about you? You said one the things you dislike immensely about her is her gossipping nature. Would you be gossipping, if you did this? I know you're hurting and frustrated, but are you and your DIL simply more alike than you'd care to admit?
FYI, it's pretty unlikely that your "superficial kindness" has gone unnoticed. Believe me, if she's behaving like you say she is, she KNOWS you are only pretending to like her. Also, it is absolutely naive to think that her husband (your son) does not share the ugly truth on how his family feels about her. My gosh, of course he does. That doesn't mean he's a traitor..he did take a vow you know, to put her first, before all others.
If the other kids are grown, college age kids, it's their responsibility to handle their relationship with her and your son, not yours. Perhaps if you started trying to put yourself in her shoes and started treating her exactly as YOU would like to be treated in this situation, you'd be welcomed in. She knows you disapprove of her. Why would she want you and your family to come over there, when she is now undertaking a brand new, foreign experience in her life, and risk suffering from her inlaws disapproval. Why?
I'm going to say it again...not caring whether I sound repetitive or not. YOU DO NOT LIKE HER! You do not respect her. If you were just some random acquaintance who only pretended to like her,was phony as heck to her, why on earth would she invite you into her home or go out of her way to let you spend time with her child? As a grandparent, you have no right to see her child.....grandchild or not. If I were you, I'd either work on my acting skills, learn to keep my feelings to myself (so that my son and other people who MIGHT repeat what I say), or honestly start looking at the qualities in her that your son CLEARLY finds appealing, so that you WILL like her and treat her with the love and respect that you should. She is your DAUGHTER now. Whether you like it or not. You have a choice, you can either be her friend or her enemy..ultimately, it's up to you.
After reading the other posts, I have to say....your son leaving their place and coming to yours to sleep, even for a few hours? That could have set off a slow ticking bomb for her. In her mind, perhaps she sees it as "You'll just open your door right up, sympathize with him when they get in a fight, etc." I doesn't matter that you didn't know, just that it happened." You and I are just completely different people. For one, I would have found out what my grandson's mom liked to eat. Invited or not, you can bet I would have shown up at the door with meals..."Because you're so exhausted after having a baby that thinking of what to have for dinner is just ONE more thing to worry about!" When I WAS finally around my grandbaby...there would have been no questions asked...that's just the way it is in my family. If you want to hold that baby, you say, "Oh my goodness, you come and see your gramma MEL!" My hands would been out there so darn fast, there would have been NO time for anyone to refuse...OR for them to tell me I had to ask someone's permission!"
Again, you need to remember...that's your grandbaby, but she's your daughter! Stop looking at her like she's your son's wife. She's your daughter. Start treating her like a loving mother would and I guarantee you, things will change.
Maybe I am being naive, but could you just approach her in a phone conversation by saying something like, "we are so thrilled about having a grandchild....we realize you have a lot going on with a new baby, etc., but would love to spend some time with (<optional>you and) the baby...what would work for you?" That empowers and validates her as the mother and also expresses your delight at having a grandchild. It gives her flexibility to let it be at your house or hers or elsewhere. Could it hurt? Good luck....
Sue, Maybe your mom doesn't think you want her involved in your kids lives? Have you asked her?
My mom never really took an interest in mine either but i think that was because they were all boys. Loud, rambunctious boys.
Labart.. When my son was holding the baby I asked him if I could hold her, but he said to ask his wife. She heard the conversation but didn't respond so I never asked her.
Really! Your son had to ask permission from his wife to let you his mother to hold the baby your grandchild?
Sounds like you have an uphill battle.
I think it's pretty obvious here in this thread which of us have a MIL similiar to the OP.
My husband got tired of hearing from his family how I "control" him - it is simply easier for him to not call them, not talk to them, not answer when they email, etc. I got tired of hearing the complaints about our children's visits to MY parents, so I finally took the plunge and blocked his family from my FB page. For me - problem solved. Of course, there are other extended family members that allow themselves to get caught in "the middle" but I'm clear to them that they are only there because they allow themselves to listen to the griping. That is THEIR choice - not mine, and certainly, not my dh's.
The only people that have rights to the child are the parents.
Perhaps the best thing to do here is to back off and let it go. Your son will either include you when they're ready or not, you don't have any control over it and the emotional stress of the situation is prob unhealthy for you.
The only people that have rights to the child are the parents.
Perhaps the best thing to do here is to back off and let it go. Your son will either include you when they're ready or not, you don't have any control over it and the emotional stress of the situation is prob unhealthy for you.
apparently you havent heard of grandparents rights. she does have a legal right to see her grandchild, and if it were MY grandchild I would make SURE I saw them- through whatever means was necessary.
.I think it's pretty obvious here in this thread which of us have a MIL similiar to the OP. .
sorry, but you're projecting. that may be your life, and I'm sorry for that, but it's not what goes on here.
Beach..I think you misunderstood about the FB pictures. My other DILs saw them because they're all friends on FB.
I'm not concerned about seeing the baby. I have seen her and my son and DIL just called me to confirm vacation plans with us so I'm assuming i'll see the baby then if not before.
******
In my original post I was asking if I should say anything to my son about the fact that his brothers and their wives are getting upset and angry that they haven't been allowed to see the baby.
After reading the responses here I've decided that I'm not going to say anything. Someone up thread said that since my kids are all adults I should let them handle it... and after thinking about it, I agree. I know it's obvious advice, but as the mom, I tend to try and fix things and try to play peacemaker between everyone sometimes. I just have to let them handle this on their own.
thanks to everyone for all their responses.
Last edited by ladylolly; 03-01-2011 at 04:14 PM..
apparently you havent heard of grandparents rights. she does have a legal right to see her grandchild, and if it were MY grandchild I would make SURE I saw them- through whatever means was necessary.
This depends on what state you live in. In many states, grandparents do NOT have any legal right to see their grandchildren. Even in the states which DO have laws regarding grandparent visitation, you must take that grandchild's parents to court in order to assert those rights. In those cases, is it really worth it? Would a person really be so controlling that they would take their children before a judge like that? You can bet those grandparents will be the "losers" in the long run!
Well, maybe you should simply ask yourself this question first.... If I tell them about these FB pictures, would it do good or would it do harm? Will it create more hard feelings or will it help to smooth the problems? I think the answer is pretty cut and dried, how about you? You said one the things you dislike immensely about her is her gossipping nature. Would you be gossipping, if you did this? I know you're hurting and frustrated, but are you and your DIL simply more alike than you'd care to admit?
FYI, it's pretty unlikely that your "superficial kindness" has gone unnoticed. Believe me, if she's behaving like you say she is, she KNOWS you are only pretending to like her. Also, it is absolutely naive to think that her husband (your son) does not share the ugly truth on how his family feels about her. My gosh, of course he does. That doesn't mean he's a traitor..he did take a vow you know, to put her first, before all others.
If the other kids are grown, college age kids, it's their responsibility to handle their relationship with her and your son, not yours. Perhaps if you started trying to put yourself in her shoes and started treating her exactly as YOU would like to be treated in this situation, you'd be welcomed in. She knows you disapprove of her. Why would she want you and your family to come over there, when she is now undertaking a brand new, foreign experience in her life, and risk suffering from her inlaws disapproval. Why?
I'm going to say it again...not caring whether I sound repetitive or not. YOU DO NOT LIKE HER! You do not respect her. If you were just some random acquaintance who only pretended to like her,was phony as heck to her, why on earth would she invite you into her home or go out of her way to let you spend time with her child? As a grandparent, you have no right to see her child.....grandchild or not. If I were you, I'd either work on my acting skills, learn to keep my feelings to myself (so that my son and other people who MIGHT repeat what I say), or honestly start looking at the qualities in her that your son CLEARLY finds appealing, so that you WILL like her and treat her with the love and respect that you should. She is your DAUGHTER now. Whether you like it or not. You have a choice, you can either be her friend or her enemy..ultimately, it's up to you.
After reading the other posts, I have to say....your son leaving their place and coming to yours to sleep, even for a few hours? That could have set off a slow ticking bomb for her. In her mind, perhaps she sees it as "You'll just open your door right up, sympathize with him when they get in a fight, etc." I doesn't matter that you didn't know, just that it happened." You and I are just completely different people. For one, I would have found out what my grandson's mom liked to eat. Invited or not, you can bet I would have shown up at the door with meals..."Because you're so exhausted after having a baby that thinking of what to have for dinner is just ONE more thing to worry about!" When I WAS finally around my grandbaby...there would have been no questions asked...that's just the way it is in my family. If you want to hold that baby, you say, "Oh my goodness, you come and see your gramma MEL!" My hands would been out there so darn fast, there would have been NO time for anyone to refuse...OR for them to tell me I had to ask someone's permission!"
Again, you need to remember...that's your grandbaby, but she's your daughter! Stop looking at her like she's your son's wife. She's your daughter. Start treating her like a loving mother would and I guarantee you, things will change.
100% spot on.
First, 6 weeks after a c-section - I wouldn't want to go out to dinner either, let alone leave my new born! (I had a c-section by the way).
I have never been terribly close to my mil - we are very, very different people. My husband backs me up 100+% as well. The stories I could tell.
I think you are being way too over sensitive and reading too much into every little thing. Back off and give it some time. Yes, she's spending more time with her family - it's her comfort zone. You say you don't like her. If you think she doesn't know that and doesn't discuss it with your son, you're naive to say the least.
You really need to stay out of it regarding the other siblings. Seriously - don't get involved. It will be guaranteed to make it worse.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
