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Ours is a long story, so don't fish for details I chose not to include.
Our 14 ds has had many problems. he is currently on probation. One of the specifications of his probation is curfew at 7 pm. He delights in taunting us by leaving the house after that time, and returning whenever he pleases.
We have called the police, they never do anything. Usually by the time they arrive, he's back in the house, and claims he never left, we're "crazy" he was right there, apparently we just didn't look enough.
Sometimes he's gone 5 min, sometimes he's gone 1-2 hours. But he always manages to slip back inside before the police arrive. Ok, what I told dh to do, next time he leaves, simply lock the door and go to bed. We've tried that, then he gets violent and tries to break the window. I feel we should simply lock the door, let him explain to police how and why he was breaking the window, and from the outside in. DH disagrees, he says then police can charge us with child abandonment. Ok, the kid left on his own, without telling anyone, how am I even supposed to know when he's gone? Plus, there's evidence indicating he slips out in the middle of the night, but I can never be sure, usually I'm sleeping then, I just find "evidence' the next day, such as window latches open, strange footprints, etc.
Police never do anything except act like its a big joke, so why should I take it seriously? the way i figure it, he slips out the door after hours without telling anyone, we lock the door, go to sleep, he can stay outside until the next morning.
Oh, please, don't tell us to go to counseling, we've done nothign but run to counseling until our insurance has run out and all they do is say we need to find our own solutions, so why run to them?
I still say simply lock the door, let him spend a night outside!
Oh, please, don't tell us to go to counseling, we've done nothign but run to counseling until our insurance has run out and all they do is say we need to find our own solutions, so why run to them?
What kind of counselors did you see? Any half-way decent counselor is going to give you tools to deal with problems. Not tell you to find your own solutions.
I know it's too late now if your insurance has run out but I'm curious.
im a tough love parent. id sent him to a boot camp/ military school.
Of course, why didn't I think of that? Now, lets see, which bank account should I use?
The suggestion of Boot Camp has been made, but people don't realize it cost thousands, insurance doesn't pay a dime. Only if court-ordered, will the state pick up a part of the cost, on a sliding scale, and we're considered "rich" to qualify.
BTW, we have exhausted our insurance benefits, he's been in 3 long-term care facilities. Oh,and what do they say? Nothing, just we should come up with a list of rules for him to follow and post them on the fridge. Really, that's all they said after 3 months of RTC!
Ok, if the police won't do anything, then they won't do anything. I'm quite serious, next time he goes AWOL, after 15 min, i simply lock the door. I don't care if he busts the window trying to get back in, let him explain to the police what he was doing after curfew busting his way back inside when he wasn't supposed to be outside to begin with.
Anyone who has dealt with the juvenile justice system knows they never do anything, they always favor the kid, basically he can get away with murder.
He almost has this last week, twice he was running around threatening me, dd, and dh with knifes. When my dh tackled him, he --ds called 911 to say he was being abused. Ok, when the police burst upon the scene, this is what they saw---my dh on top of ds, trying to pry a knife away from him, he hd previously thrown a knife at dd just minutes ago. The police had to break it up. The police refused to arrest ds, because they said they could only arrest for domestic violence if they saw a violent act in progress. In their opinion, a man wrestling with a violent kid to disarm him of a knife isn't a violent act, because they didn't actually see him point the knife at dh---duh, he was strong-arming the knife away, that's why! Instead, the police just talked to ds and left.
These incidents have happened so many times we're probably on their radar as some sort of nutty family that likes to play 911. Apparently I have to be seriously injured to consider a charge, meanwhile, heaven knows what he's doing at night, etc.
I would explain to your son what you are planning to do as far as locking the house at night before you actually do it. Let him know that it will be his choice if he wants to stay outside all night or not. If not, he can come home by curfew time.
If he does break a window or something, he can be charged with a crime; he should know that also. What you said is correct..as far as YOU know, he's in by curfew.
14 is old enough to understand that actions have consequences.
What kind of counselors did you see? Any half-way decent counselor is going to give you tools to deal with problems. Not tell you to find your own solutions.
I know it's too late now if your insurance has run out but I'm curious.
What kind I of counselors did we see? Just about every counselor on our insurance, counselors that specialize in adolescent problems, forensic psychiatrists, state-appointed counselors, I'm not sure what you mean by what kind of counselors, but all supposedly appropriate for the circumstances.
BTW, just getting in to see a counselor is almost impossible in a timely manner. first, most don't have secretaries, they keep their own appts, you can play telephone tag for weeks just to connect. then many only work part-time, it can take months for the initial appt, and often you spend weeks playing telephone tag just to find out they aren't taking new patients, or don't take kids his age, etc, all stuff you think they could at least put on their voicemail to avoid prolonged games of telephone tag.
Really, honestly, I've never once had one single piece of advice from any counselor, they just stare at you, repeat what you said, and say, well.....what do you think? Geez, I could get as much help talking to my cat and avoid the fees, etc!
I would explain to your son what you are planning to do as far as locking the house at night before you actually do it. Let him know that it will be his choice if he wants to stay outside all night or not. If not, he can come home by curfew time.
If he does break a window or something, he can be charged with a crime; he should know that also. What you said is correct..as far as YOU know, he's in by curfew.
14 is old enough to understand that actions have consequences.
Good Luck!
You know, I like that, thanks!
tHE ONLY WAY TO WIN THE GAME IS NOT TO PLAY IT". That was a line from a movie, I think War Games, or something like that. Just stop the game, tell him this house shuts down at 10 pm, whatever side of the door you're on at that time is where you chose to be, not my problem.
Sort of like his lunch account, I know that's another topic, but I could never keep it funded, he was always overspending. Finally, I just put money in at the first of the month, plenty to last a whole month. Actually, I put in $100 per month, plenty for lunch and extras (I do reealize those lunch trays are not too filling at times, but that breaks down to $5/day that's enough for 2 trays or a bunch of extras). I shut off the email reminder when his account is overdrawn and instructed the school NOT to run a tab. I tell him every month when I put in the money, that's that. If he overspends, he can either go hungry the rest of the month, or pack a lunch from home, but I'm not involved. No more chasing the lunch account, its up to him to figure out how to make $100 last a month, not my problem. If family services wants to get on my case, I can show them how much I put in, and how he chooses to spend it.
But getting back to this in-and-out game, quit playing it. Simply lock the door and go to bed. Quit letting him jerk my chain!
Maybe what you should do, is lock the door, and let him call the CPS like he keeps doing according to all your other posts. And then, tell the social worker, "Guilty as Charged, I am not worthy." And let them take your son away to endure "the system" and live in foster care, where he won't be a burden to you or your family ever again.
Really, honestly, I've never once had one single piece of advice from any counselor, they just stare at you, repeat what you said, and say, well.....what do you think? Geez, I could get as much help talking to my cat and avoid the fees, etc!
I'm sorry to hear that. We had counseling as a family. Not for mis-behavior but to help the kids deal with a serious illness in the family. They had actual homework to help them learn coping skills. It was very hands on and tremendously helpful. They also had group sessions with kids their age going through the same thing.
Sounds like you've run the gamut. I don't know what to tell you. If your child has no respect for you (and it sounds like he doesn't - sorry) then he's not going to want to behave. Somewhere you have to find what will want him to be a part of a loving, peaceful family, IMO.
It sounds to me like your son needs to be in a mental health facility. He seems to be a danger to others. He sounds like he needs more than counseling. He needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist (a medical doctor not a counselor). At the very least you need him out of the house so he cannot harm you or the other members of your family.
I realize this costs money and you always push back when someone suggests something that costs money. However, your son is having a serious problem that will not go away without the right treatment. NOT counseling, a doctor. Most areas have programs for people who need help with medical bills. You have to research what is available in your area. This is something you need to FIND THE MONEY to handle.
He will not just get better if you are tough enough with him. He has become criminal because of this problem. You need to get serious. If you don't like the doctor on day ONE find another. Go through 20 of them until you find someone you trust but please find someone.
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