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your adult child is dating someone really different from what they normally go for?
For example, my daughter normally go for man who look like the type that work in a office, at a bank, or on computer and seems to be very family oriented type. I have always been very wary due to having a couple abusive relationships in past, so I was kinda relieved about this. Those men tend to not be huge or threatening looking or anything.
However the man she's currently with is just downright intimidating. She have been with him for almost two years and moved into his place last fall.
This man is much smaller than any other man she have been with. He's only about 5'7 or 5'8, and my daughter is 6 feet tall! That is first time she ever date a man who is shorter than her.
He's also a professional fighter for living and my daughter have never liked athlete in the past. His body type is just totally opposite, he's slender but muscular which remind me of a shark (not exactly what I want to think of when thinking of someone who is with my daughter.
He also have a lot of tattoo and my daughter have never liked tattoos. She says his tattoo is beautiful and meaningful but I think it look trashy.
He also isn't exactly outgoing and more of a loner type.
Unfortunately I have to move in with them this weekend which is really scaring me. I just cannot understand why my daughter would go after someone like him after never showing interest in somebody with trait that this man have.
Does anyone have similar experience? Is this something to worry about?
Since you will be moving in with them, consider that a prime opportunity to get to know him better. You will be able to WITNESS their relationship in action on a day in/day out basis. Consider yourself fortunate.
And keep an open mind..... you just might be surprised at what you learn.
how old is your daughter? Sounds like they are more than "dating" if they live together. And what she "normally" goes for, you mean, used to go for. more than two years ago. Give the guy a chance. Who knows, he may be the most kind, gentle, loving man you could meet. Obviously, your daughter sees something in him that she likes. And, he's willing to have you move in with him. Sounds ok to me.
It sounds like your judgements are all about his external aspects - body type, tattoos, etc. Does he treat your daughter with kindness and respect? Do they talk & laugh together? Is she happy?
Get to know *who he is*, not how he looks. Have you asked the meaning of the tattoos? Just because you think they're trashy, doesn't make that the truth; many people from very different backgrounds have tattoos now.
You said you're moving in with them? If you're in need, and he's willing to let you move in, that potentially says a lot about his character. Depending on the circumstances, it sounds very generous.
Like springazure said, here's an opportunity to get to know him. Your daughter's been with him two years, it's not just a passing fancy.
As far as if I would be concerned? My sons' lives are their lives; I trust they make the choices that are right for them. If they were with someone who cares for them, is kind and loving, with whom they're happy, that would be enough for me. What that person does for a living (unless it's illegal!), what they look like or their interests are, don't matter all that much.
Is it possible her boyfriend looks like someone who abused you, or somehow reminds you of them? That can trigger a negative response in you, even if her boyfriend is completely innocent! If so, this is an opportunity to stay centered in today, centered in now, breathe deeply and separate her boyfriend from those associations. Look at him on his own merits. An opportunity to heal your past.
I wouldn't have any problems personally. But then a lot of the men in my family have tatts that are "meaningful" to them. (Military service related though one has Mighty Mouse.) "Only" 5'7 or 5'8? He could have been one of the orignal astronauts. Or a Formula 1 driver.
Personally, if I "had to" move in with them I'd get down on my knees and thank God they were so generous. I'd also volunteer to do the dishes. A lot.
I wouldn't be concerned unless she was showing signs of physical, or mental abuse..NEVER judge a book by it's cover....I've known many tattooed and intimidating looking men who prove to be gentle, lovable guys. If your daughter has been with him for 2 years already with no complaints, I would think he was a better man than all "suits" she's dated before.....As for a family man, outward appearance does not dictate who will be a good family man.....I think you are trying to force your insecurities and distrust on your adult daughter...she knows better than you what she wants in life...learn to be more excepting of her choices.
My daughter got into a relationship with a "scary" looking man with tattoos, and when I first looked at him I thought that he would be trouble, but he has turned out to be a big teddy bear and loves my daughter and works hard for the family they have made together.
Ok, since my daughter's boyfriend left last night to go be in his teammate's corner because the coach had a family emergency. I was told he'd be home late tonight. I decided to just move in since that would allows me to adjust to the place and spend some lone time with my daughter before he get back.
I know this is so bad of me, but I have never really got known to him for various reasons, but mainly because they doesn't live too close and my husband and I was having a lot of problem. So usually I would try to avoid being home by meeting my daughter for lunch or something and spend holidays at family's place.
I have seen him only a few time. He has always been really quiet and seems somewhat shy especially if people are around. He spend most of the time just listening and observing unless spoke to directly. I just remember he spoke very softly despite of having a deep voice for someone of his size. Other weird traits is, he avoid eyes contact whenever possible.
I find it hard to imagine how someone can get into professional fighting if they don't enjoy hurting people. I am sure he don't feel bad if he leave someone laying unconscious or hurt them in the match and he also teach and train others to do the same. I just look at this as him having blood on his hands and taking pride in it especially since he is very involved in this type of thing. I cannot imagine myself being proud of any of those accomplishment.
This make me feel he is less hesitate to get physically and god forbid, if he ever lay a hand on my daughter, I don't want to think about how much damages he could do. I have touched his hands and his knuckles feel like rock, that doesn't put me at ease at all.
I asked my daughter about the tattoos today. She says they represent his life, Buddha is what help him get through rough time and often credit the teaching for the reason he's still alive, samurai is who he is, and few other things.
I was very disappointed to learn that she wants to get a tattoo soon.
I was surprised and disgust to find that he have a small room he set apart that he turned into his lounge room. It have a couple of weird art works of blood, people cutting their own stomach, sinister looking women, and other things. I was told by my daughter that he used to have them all over until she asked him to move them into this room. I also learned he smoke cigars in this room. But I have to say I was impressed to see he have a large collection of books on shelves.
I was told by my daughter that during weekday, she's gone a lot due to work and school, but her boyfriend will be around and he tend to do most of the chores and cooking when not training or working out during the weekday. Then on the weekend she would do everything while he have the weekend off.
I'm happy to hear that he seems to be helping around a lot, but the idea of my daughter being gone a lot is a bit unnerving. This man is almost a stranger to me. Regardless, I'm still very grateful for what he did. However I still can't help it but feeling somewhat uneasy about him. But I guess I need to get over that.
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