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Over the weekend, I was feeling very insecure after calling the mom of one of my daughter's classmates to see if the little girl could come play later that day (morning call to see about having the girl over in the afternoon). Basically her tone, when suggesting we plan something ahead of time, had me really wondering if I was doing something wrong. Now hopefully, I can chalk it up to differences in parenting styles, as these answers seem to run the spectrum.
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Originally Posted by Zimbochick
I would say around here it depends on how well you know the parents. It's not uncommon here for people to call up and ask if the kids want to come over right then. I personally don't like making play dates too far in advance because things come up. I'd say whatever works for you.
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Originally Posted by Penguin_ie
If it's local and you know the parents somewhat, then I'd just call and invite the child right then.
If you don't know the parents/ it involves some planning (ie they live across town, it's to go swimming or something) then anytime in the week previous would be fine; the night before at the latest.
More than a week is overkill, unless it if for a party (need to buy present etc), then 2-4 weeks is good.
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Originally Posted by flyonpa
One Day, Just so you/them can plan out there day, Route etc. So a Saturday PD. Friday afterschool/Night would be good
This is what I remember from childhood and what I would prefer for my kids. I don't want their playdates to become an obligation, planned a week or more in advance. I think I will work on asking one day in advance unless I know the parents are good with the same day call. If I get the vibe that the family requires more advance planning and my daughter has not requested to play with the chid multiple times, I'm going to try and redirect her to a less stressful (for me) alternative playmate.
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Originally Posted by rkb0305
I wouldn't consider it rude to invite someone over at the last minute, but I wouldn't be surprised if they couldn't come.
I'm fine with this and am trying to teach my daughter to be fine with it. I think fear of dissappointing the kids is one reason why some people plan these things so much in advance.
RE: mom along on first playdate(s)
It would surprise me if the parents of my daughter's schoolmates wanted a double playdate (parents and kids) before dropping off their elementary age child to play at our house (though I would try to respect that if another mother wanted that). My daughter goes to a private school and has been with these classmates for 1 1/2 years now. I have seen almost all the parents coming and going at the school, at school events, some at church and some around town. I doubt they are perfect but I have no reason to believe that my kid won't be okay in their care, playing with their kid for a few hours. But thanks for the reminder that not everyone ( and not everyone at our school) thinks the same way.
We are fortunate to live in a neighborhood where we don't actually have to arrange playdates for my granddaughter. Her best friends live in the house next to hers - a boy 6 months older on one side and a girl 6 months younger on the other side. They often just come over and ask each other to come and play My granddaughter is 8 and in 3rd grade now, but the boy has been her friend since kindergarten. The girl only moved in recently and she has parents who work, so they get together mostly on the weekends. Another little girl just moved in next to our house, so when she comes to play over here, she also has a buddy she can invite over by just walking nextdoor. At this point no notice is required and most of her friends can come and play if they are home.
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Sounds like a wonderful situation for your granddaughter. We are trying to encourage neighborhood friends as well. It is a little tricky because we both work and tend to be on a later schedule than some families. which limits play to weekends) and because the kids in our neighborhood go to 6 or 7 different schools.
While both areas have families in all income ranges:
Squirrel Hill has more upper class wealth which translaes into more stay at home mothers and nannies. I even know stay at home mothers who have full time nannies in Squirrel Hill. For parents not in their economic group, it's harder to form even superficial friendships with the mothers which results in fewer playdate opportunities compared to the children who are part of the same economic group. The parents prefer to "double date" on a regular basis with parents in which they can relate. This applies mostly to the early years before children are old enough to chose their own friends. Don't be surprised if the nanny is sent along on a playdate---whether you're friends with the parents or not. Although it's more complicated socially, don't be afraid to call a wealthy parent for a playdate. Many want their children exposed to economic diversity even though the parents themselves stick closely with their own economic circle.
Ross Township has more two income households and less nannies. It can take more time to arrange playdates around the working parents' schedules. The "double date" playdate is usually only for the first playdate. Economic status isn't a large factor because the parents are less interested in socializing through their children. Parents who are interested in socializing place less importance on economic status.
Hopes -
As always, I appreciate the time you take to share your thoughts on these forums. Interestingly, even though I live adjacent to Squirrel Hill, my experiences have been more like you describe for Ross Township. I know 1 or 2 families with nannies and a SAHP but most are either 2 income (in some form) or 1 working parent and a typical SAHP. I suspect that what you describe only applies to a small portion of the Squirrel Hill families - and perhaps I am largely avoiding them by sending my kids to a neighborhood Catholic school rather than Winchester Thurston or Shadyside Academy and the fact that my daughter's friends are mostly kids who also attend afterschool.
I don't think I would be afraid to call a wealthy parent to arrange a playdate or deal with a nanny, if that friend was important to my child. But like the whole double-date playdate issue, thanks for the reminder to be mindful that all families function differently.
It would surprise me if the parents of my daughter's schoolmates wanted a double playdate (parents and kids) before dropping off their elementary age child to play at our house (though I would try to respect that if another mother wanted that). My daughter goes to a private school and has been with these classmates for 1 1/2 years now. I have seen almost all the parents coming and going at the school, at school events, some at church and some around town. I doubt they are perfect but I have no reason to believe that my kid won't be okay in their care, playing with their kid for a few hours. But thanks for the reminder that not everyone ( and not everyone at our school) thinks the same way.
this is probably not the norm, and definitely not true for all parents. My 1st grader goes to public school, with 3 first grade classes with over 20 kids in each class, only some of which were in his K class last year. He takes the bus so I don't routinely see or talk to the other parents. I'm at school once/week to volunteer, but I don't see any of the other parents because I'm the only one there at that time. Even so, I feel fairly comfortable sending him to a friend's house to play. But other parents might not, understandably.
Over the weekend, I was feeling very insecure after calling the mom of one of my daughter's classmates to see if the little girl could come play later that day (morning call to see about having the girl over in the afternoon). Basically her tone, when suggesting we plan something ahead of time, had me really wondering if I was doing something wrong. Now hopefully, I can chalk it up to differences in parenting styles, as these answers seem to run the spectrum. .
It's definitely just differences in parenting styles. You'll run into all types, and you'll quickly learn how to adjust to each of them. I've had parents who dropped their children off without thinking twice, and I've had parents who never let their children out of their sight until they were much older. Some scheduled far in advance and some were impulsitve.
One parent uniquely considered her daughter's wishes by never committing to anything without asking her daughter what she wanted to do. No other parents did that---they always scheduled playdates without even asking their children. Although her daughter's answer was always YES, I was never annoyed by having to wait for an answer because I respected her allowing her children to have a voice instead of just scheduling them without their input. To this day, our daughters are still life-long best friends attending the same university together.
You'll figure it out. Just know one thing---the world of mommies is a VERY STRANGE place. Most will tell you that mommies are the weirdest people they've ever had to navigate. Whenever you're feeling insecure, remind yourself it's the weird alter mommy world, not you, and every mommy goes through it.
I think a problem with setting things up *too* far in advance is that something can come up, e.g. with little kids, someone gets sick; with older kids, a huge homework assignment, etc.
We were lucky with my DDs that there was another girl living right behind us (through the backyard). She and my younger one were better friends, but the older one got along with her OK as well; all three, and sometimes the other girl's brother played together a lot. It was always nice to have a special friend over, however.
I agree with Hopes about the world of Mommies. Try not to let it get to you (too much).
My question pertains specifically to young elementary school age kids and their parents (my DD is a 1st grader) -
When inviting another child to your home to play with your child on a weekend, how much notice is typical in your area?
How short notice do you considered rude?
How much advance planning do you consider overkill?
Very curious what others' experiences and opinions are.
Thanks!
As a transplanted New Yorker, I have found most people in S. Florida don't follow any typical protocol. They will usually call on Friday, the day before OR the day of...By the way, my daughter is in Kindergarten.
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