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I know this is an old thread but I will throw my two cents in since it has be revived. I have only one child so of course my son is my favorite. I have witnessed parents playing favorites. Some not realizing they do it and others are obvious. My MIL is pretty open on who her favorites are. She actually told my one SIL. " I love you because you are a my daughter but if you were not my daughter. I would not want to spend time with you. You simply aren't my kind." Damnnn. I always knew the woman was cold but wow.
TK's mother said something similar to him. She said, "I love you because I have to love you, but I don't like you." This revelation was after treating him like a second class citizen his entire life. He was born into the world knowing his brother was the favorite.
OMGoodness, my neighbor actually told me that she missses her daughter who went away to college because she has never been able to relate to the child who is left at home (two years younger).
I have a girlfriend who rushes to her oldest daughter for everything (6 or 7 years old). She'll sit and totally ignore when her youngest daughter is hurt (3 or 4 years old). The oldest one isn't even a desirable personality compared to the younger one. She's very sullen and often pouting with a glare. The younger one is very sweet.
She once even said that the oldest one was the prettiest. Honestly, I didn't see it. She was a very pretty girl, but she wasnt' necessarily prettier. She had dark hair and eyes like her mother. The younger one had lighter coloring but was very beautiful too. They were both pretty, just in different ways.
Parents are going to relate differently to their different kids. Some kids have a very compatible personality to one or both parents. Some kids are going to butt heads constantly with a parent - and it may be the child who is most like that parent who butts head the most.
I think you can love them all but if the parent is out working on a car or in the garage and one child loves working on the car while the others prefer to play video games, that child will seem to be given more attention. Or one child likes to help in the kitchen, doesn't seem to mind helping with dishes and the other acts like he or she is just a slave.
Often it's the difference in the child himself that makes it seem that the parent likes that child more or less.
TK's mother said something similar to him. She said, "I love you because I have to love you, but I don't like you." This revelation was after treating him like a second class citizen his entire life. He was born into the world knowing his brother was the favorite.
OMGoodness, my neighbor actually told me that she missses her daughter who went away to college because she has never been able to relate to the child who is left at home (two years younger).
I have a girlfriend who rushes to her oldest daughter for everything (6 or 7 years old). She'll sit and totally ignore when her youngest daughter is hurt (3 or 4 years old). The oldest one isn't even a desirable personality compared to the younger one. She's very sullen and often pouting with a glare. The younger one is very sweet.
She once even said that the oldest one was the prettiest. Honestly, I didn't see it. She was a very pretty girl, but she wasnt' necessarily prettier. She had dark hair and eyes like her mother. The younger one had lighter coloring but was very beautiful too. They were both pretty, just in different ways.
I think when people are like this, it is an obvious character flaw that goes beyond parenting. They are probably just as critical of others in their lives. I was actually thinking about starting a thread on this favoritism subject because my brother and SIL are doing this with their oldest. My mom and I have been talking about it for the past few days. We are both really bothered by it. When I saw this thread was revived I didn't want to start a duplicate. But this whole thing been on my mind.
Actually I saw the favoritism years ago and my mom kept saying no...that is not happening. She was in denial. It is a cycle that is repeating itself. You see my brother was a handful growing up. He required the most attention and lots of people shunned him. He is ADHD and when he was little he was hard to handle so people didn't want to deal with him. My mother saw it and went a little overboard giving him extra attention. She also thought sports would occupy his high level of energy so whatever my brother wanted to do, my mother made it happen. It was disappointing to be told no that I couldn't get dance lessons etc because they were already paying out the nose for activities for my brother. So of course my sister and I felt she was playing favorites but I also kind of knew why my mother was doing it. Now that my brother is married and has children of his own, his youngest is getting shunned. The youngest is just like my brother. I am positive she will be diagnosed with ADHD soon.
Everyone is favoring the eldest child including my brother and SIL. My mom doesn't understand why my brother would do this to his own child when he experienced it himself but that is just how the cycle works, I guess. I can see how the youngest is starting to suffer from low self esteem. My SIL has family that lives in FL. The relatives take the oldest for weeks at a time where they do not want the youngest. The oldest has been to Disney World multiple times where the youngest has never gone. The oldest child is old enough to see she is the preferred one and is becoming very vocal about it. She has turned into a real mouthy child. She will come home from her trips and flaunt her Disney World possessions in front of her younger sister. My brother and SIL do not correct her. My mom said she is going to have a heart to heart with my brother about this issue but I would be surprised if anything changes. I live out of state so I have thought about asking my brother if I could keep the youngest for a week. I live in a boring state but this child would probably be thrilled just the same to get some attention. Not sure if my brother and SIL will go for it though, anytime my mother insists on taking the youngest child alone they act like they are handing over a bomb. They try to talk her out of it etc.
I am not that close with my brother anymore so I think my request will be denied. It weighs heavily on my heart because this child has such a sparkling personality. The child just needs some structure which they are not providing which makes the ADHD thing worse. Also another issue is this child is severely over weight. I personally think everyone is embarrassed by it. I think relatives don't want to be out in public with her because they don't want people thinking this fat kid is theirs. Ugh..I am getting more pissed off as I write this.
It's not about "loving" one child more than another, but it could very much be a matter of "liking" one more than another. Much of that has to do with compatible personalities.
My mother worked full-time, my entire life....when she was home, she would either be working in the garden or cooking. I realized, at a young age, that my mother was always working alone...the other, older kids never seemed to offer to helped her. Those very same siblings though, seemed to always be complaining that she never wanted to spend time with them...she was always busy.
I started working alongside her in the garden and kitchen. Because of my choices, not only did I learn everything she knew about gardening and cooking, but we would laugh and talk and formed a very easy, relaxed relationship. The comical thing about it was that my older siblings became jealous, because I was her "favorite". Ridiculous! I was the one who was working by her side. LOL She appreciated not having to be out there by herself, and appreciated having someone to talk to and share the work with her!
I have dealt with the same things with my own children. As in malamute's example, I had an eldest son who was "bored" with his father, who is mechanically inclined. He never offered to help his dad with anything around the house, but instead, busied himself with watching tv or playing video games. He was always complaining because his dad didn't want to DO ANYTHING with him. Hello? Big place, lots to do....many hands make light work, etc.? The next son in line was always helping his dad. He started out being his tool "gopher", then started asking to be shown how to do what dad was doing. They spent a great deal of time together as a result. This caused the oldest son, to this day, to see his younger brother as the "favorite" son. Because of the eldest's actions and choices, he and his father have virtually nothing in common.
I, too, am an industrious kind of person. I like to be doing "physical" things. My second child is a girl, who has always worked by my side, learning everything I know. Again, the eldest son viewed her as MY favorite. Again... these things occurred because of HIS choices. He chose to spend his time doing his "own" thing, knowing that I had work to do and he chose to never want to spend the time doing them with me. Again....many hands make light work and spending time with each other, helping each other, is what forms those bonds.
Parents are going to relate differently to their different kids. Some kids have a very compatible personality to one or both parents. Some kids are going to butt heads constantly with a parent - and it may be the child who is most like that parent who butts head the most.
I think you can love them all but if the parent is out working on a car or in the garage and one child loves working on the car while the others prefer to play video games, that child will seem to be given more attention. Or one child likes to help in the kitchen, doesn't seem to mind helping with dishes and the other acts like he or she is just a slave.
Often it's the difference in the child himself that makes it seem that the parent likes that child more or less.
It is favoritism when that child that is liked is always preferred above others. Just liking someone and seeing eye-to-eye doesn't mean that, no matter what, you always take his/her side.
The reason I know this is that my brother can get away with a hell of a lot more than I ever could, and they are the same behaviors for which my family would disown me and call me a loser.
My brother has been arrested, had a child out-of-wedlock, performed poorly in school and, yet, my family (my entire family: aunts, uncles, etc.) have ensured that he would have a comfortable life, which he does.
Meanwhile, I always did well in school, put myself through college, never been arrested or had a child out-of-wedlock. However, if I had done any of those things, my parents would have disowned me, which is why I beat them to it.
As far as I'm concerned, it is favoritism when one child can do whatever he/she wants while others are castigated for the minorest of infractions. It's more than just "liking" one child more than another.
It is favoritism when that child that is liked is always preferred above others. Just liking someone and seeing eye-to-eye doesn't mean that, no matter what, you always take his/her side.
The reason I know this is that my brother can get away with a hell of a lot more than I ever could, and they are the same behaviors for which my family would disown me and call me a loser.
My brother has been arrested, had a child out-of-wedlock, performed poorly in school and, yet, my family (my entire family: aunts, uncles, etc.) have ensured that he would have a comfortable life, which he does.
Meanwhile, I always did well in school, put myself through college, never been arrested or had a child out-of-wedlock. However, if I had done any of those things, my parents would have disowned me, which is why I beat them to it.
As far as I'm concerned, it is favoritism when one child can do whatever he/she wants while others are castigated for the minorest of infractions. It's more than just "liking" one child more than another.
It's entirely possible that your family has no faith in your brother ever being able to take care of himself, therefore they feel the need to "take care of him" and defend him. Perhaps they see in you a strength and independence, therefore, they feel no need to defend OR take care of you. Some kids, people expect more of....because others, simply are a lost cause!
Just be sure that you don't go around playing the martyr or burying yourself in self-pity.....comparing how good you are, to how "bad" and dysfunctional he is. You will fast shove yourself way down on the ladder with your family. No one needs to constantly remind a parent of the fact that one of their kids is "failing to thrive" or constantly screwing up. For goodness sake, they already know it!
Most of us have siblings who "seem" to get taken care of, excuses made for,etc....but guess what? What you're NOT hearing, is all of the bragging they're likely doing about you to others. My hubby and I both felt like that about some of our siblings..still do to some extent. The thing of it is, our parents are so relieve to have children they DON'T have to worry about and that's something to be proud of.
It's entirely possible that your family has no faith in your brother ever being able to take care of himself, therefore they feel the need to "take care of him" and defend him. Perhaps they see in you a strength and independence, therefore, they feel no need to defend OR take care of you. Some kids, people expect more of....because others, simply are a lost cause!
Just be sure that you don't go around playing the martyr or burying yourself in self-pity.....comparing how good you are, to how "bad" and dysfunctional he is. You will fast shove yourself way down on the ladder with your family. No one needs to constantly remind a parent of the fact that one of their kids is "failing to thrive" or constantly screwing up. For goodness sake, they already know it!
Most of us have siblings who "seem" to get taken care of, excuses made for,etc....but guess what? What you're NOT hearing, is all of the bragging they're likely doing about you to others. My hubby and I both felt like that about some of our siblings..still do to some extent. The thing of it is, our parents are so relieve to have children they DON'T have to worry about and that's something to be proud of.
No, it's a lot more than that. Let me just state that I am not on this thread to get support from someone who not only doesn't know my family (or me) but who also isn't supportive of my perspective regarding my own family.
I'm not playing the martyr nor am I competing with my brother, nor do I bury myself in self-pity--why the hell would you think that? You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about people you don't know, and it's obnoxious not to mention patronizing
My parents do not help my brother b/c they feel sorry for him; they help him b/c he is the favorite. I could be lying in a gutter and my parents would tell me that I deserved it, and apparently you would think it was b/c I was "playing the martyr"
Moreover, don't tell someone with toxic parents that their parents love them.
You obviously are not one of the siblings who has ACTUALLY had to deal with preferential treatment; if you were, you would be a lot more supportive of those of us who do have to deal with it.
No, it's a lot more than that. Let me just state that I am not on this thread to get support from someone who not only doesn't know my family (or me) but who also isn't supportive of my perspective regarding my own family.
I'm not playing the martyr nor am I competing with my brother, nor do I bury myself in self-pity--why the hell would you think that? Reread the post. I cautioned you to not let yourself be ...I never called you that. Defensive, much? You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about people you don't know, and it's obnoxious not to mention patronizing
My parents do not help my brother b/c they feel sorry for him; they help him b/c he is the favorite. I could be lying in a gutter and my parents would tell me that I deserved it, and apparently you would think it was b/c I was "playing the martyr"
Moreover, don't tell someone with toxic parents that their parents love them.
You obviously are not one of the siblings who has ACTUALLY had to deal with preferential treatment; if you were, you would be a lot more supportive of those of us who do have to deal with it.
Your angry and defensive response to my above post reveals exactly what the problem is with you and your family. Unfortunately, you're likely too blinded with pain and jealousy to see it. Good luck to you. Continue to work hard and be successful and don't let your family's behavior steal the joy of your successes and accomplishments.
No, it's a lot more than that. Let me just state that I am not on this thread to get support from someone who not only doesn't know my family (or me) but who also isn't supportive of my perspective regarding my own family.
I'm not playing the martyr nor am I competing with my brother, nor do I bury myself in self-pity--why the hell would you think that? You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about people you don't know, and it's obnoxious not to mention patronizing
My parents do not help my brother b/c they feel sorry for him; they help him b/c he is the favorite. I could be lying in a gutter and my parents would tell me that I deserved it, and apparently you would think it was b/c I was "playing the martyr"
Moreover, don't tell someone with toxic parents that their parents love them.
You obviously are not one of the siblings who has ACTUALLY had to deal with preferential treatment; if you were, you would be a lot more supportive of those of us who do have to deal with it.
Have you ever discussed this with your parents?
It's interesting that you believe other family members outside the immediate family do the same - favor him. Often aunts and uncles will notice if there is favoritism going on and they don't favor the one they think is spoiled.
It's sometimes that one child is very independent from the start and the parents are proud of that one but the more helpless child will get more because they need more.
Sometimes the parents attempt to prop one child up because that child is weaker or less capable. They may worry more about one who struggles with grades or school and really give that one more attention while the other is self-motivated and gets less attention.
And sometimes the kid with some trouble is actually a very loveable kind of person, and the strong independent one is more defiant, challenges the parents at every turn.
Much of this relationship begins in the early years and continues.
It is favoritism when that child that is liked is always preferred above others. Just liking someone and seeing eye-to-eye doesn't mean that, no matter what, you always take his/her side.
The reason I know this is that my brother can get away with a hell of a lot more than I ever could, and they are the same behaviors for which my family would disown me and call me a loser.
My brother has been arrested, had a child out-of-wedlock, performed poorly in school and, yet, my family (my entire family: aunts, uncles, etc.) have ensured that he would have a comfortable life, which he does.
Meanwhile, I always did well in school, put myself through college, never been arrested or had a child out-of-wedlock. However, if I had done any of those things, my parents would have disowned me, which is why I beat them to it.
As far as I'm concerned, it is favoritism when one child can do whatever he/she wants while others are castigated for the minorest of infractions. It's more than just "liking" one child more than another.
Your family sounds like the classic dysfunctional family with all the roles that you read about (enabler, scapegoat, hero, etc). My family is the same way. My grandmother has five daughters, and the ones who behave the worst (drugs, crime, disrespectful toward her, etc), get the best treatment. She showers them with money, constantly rescues them, and tiptoes on eggshells around them lest she offend or anger them. I understand she does this out of fear. Fear of seeing them completely fail at life, fear of losing them, fear of them reflecting poorly on her as a mother. But then on the flip side she is highly critical and downright mean toward those who lead normal, productive, healthy lives. She even tries to create drama and sabotage successes. It's a very sad state of affairs for a child to grow up in such a household. I completely see others' points about perceived favoritism and the reasons why parents might form a stronger bond with one child over another, but you are right....when you are dealing with a toxic, dysfunctional family, it's a different story altogether. Obviously your best "revenge" will be to move forward and upward with your life - and be happy.
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I have witnessed parents playing favorites. Some not realizing they do it and others are obvious. My MIL is pretty open on who her favorites are. She actually told my one SIL. " I love you because you are a my daughter but if you were not my daughter. I would not want to spend time with you. You simply aren't my kind." Damnnn. I always knew the woman was cold but wow. 
I live out of state so I have thought about asking my brother if I could keep the youngest for a week. I live in a boring state but this child would probably be thrilled just the same to get some attention. Not sure if my brother and SIL will go for it though, anytime my mother insists on taking the youngest child alone they act like they are handing over a bomb. They try to talk her out of it etc. 
