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I understand what you are saying and even though you took your daughter away from an abusive dad you still didn't set the foundation for her to make good decisions in life.
busta
Oh for goodness' sake. 19 year olds in love are not always known to be the best decision makers.
I understand what you are saying and even though you took your daughter away from an abusive dad you still didn't set the foundation for her to make good decisions in life.
busta
Parents can NOT always be blamed for their children's choices. You can set a perfectly excellent and strong foundation for your children, but there will ALWAYS be outside influences and circumstances which can pull them onto the wrong path.
My daughter was an incredible young woman. She was involved in youth groups, youth missions, never partied, got good grades, multiple scholarships for college, never dated in high school, because she didn't want to get sidetracked by "teenage drama"....she had things she wanted to accomplish. She was raised to always treat people fairly, to always give them a chance, to never judge other by their popularity, fancy cars, finery, etc. She was "targeted" by a mentally ill sociopath who told her everything she wanted to hear.....all the right things. She fell by the wayside and made some huge mistakes.
I'm sure some people, who are completely ignorant, would say that we did NOT provide her with a "GOOD FOUNDATION".....and I say BS! Her father and I have been together for nearly 30 years and have always been upstanding role models to our children. I say, "Sh*t happened!" That woman is even more amazing now than she was as a teen, but she is infinitely wiser and now has life experience...experience that has helped countless other young women, simply because SHE fell. She does not whine or wail in self-pity. She got back on her path and is finishing up her college degree. During that time, she has mentored to many young women. Why? Because she had a good foundation.
All families are not fairy tale, perfect families. That does not mean that those parents are not setting down good foundations for their children. Children have many reasons for making poor choices. Blaming every wrong choice a child makes on his/her parent (s), is irresponsible and callous at best....not to mention ignorant.
You can do that and still when a child becomes a young adult, he or she has a free will and mind of his or her own.
Kids can come from the very best of families and still make wrong decisions. You can even see families with a number of kids where all the kids except one made all good decisions, but one just doesn't.
Some kids are docile and compliant all the time, others are defiant and challenging almost all the time, some seem to have been born wise, others will have to learn from their mistakes.
Sometimes instead of listening to the parents, they listen to friends. And for many parents, it can be touch and go for a while with kid but then everything ends up okay in the end.
Absolutely! OMG, what a concept! If you don't have a perfect child...if they are not everything you expect them to be....if they do anything that disappoints you, it's YOUR fault...because YOU failed to lay a strong enough foundation for them. Oh Puhlease! Wow, what a concept. Maybe I should share that with my mother, "Hey mom, you know all those retarded things I did when I was a teenager?...You know...all the times I didn't listen to you and did stuff anyway....like getting married, divorcing at 18, because he was physically and emotionally abusive? Yeah, well Mom, it was all your fault!" Wow, I feel sooooo much better now!
You can do that and still when a child becomes a young adult, he or she has a free will and mind of his or her own.
Kids can come from the very best of families and still make wrong decisions. You can even see families with a number of kids where all the kids except one made all good decisions, but one just doesn't.
Some kids are docile and compliant all the time, others are defiant and challenging almost all the time, some seem to have been born wise, others will have to learn from their mistakes.
Sometimes instead of listening to the parents, they listen to friends. And for many parents, it can be touch and go for a while with kid but then everything ends up okay in the end.
Agree.
An acquaintance's daughter (now 18) left home at 17. What a mess of a person (who is intrinsically intelligent) - an observer can see that she is struggling - with who she is, with what she wants, with who to lean to. Changing boyfriends, apartments. Working minimum job, somewhat attending school. Coming home, sometimes, for a night, like to a safe heaven, to have her mother's ear. The mother, at first, attempted to call authorities, but was told that after around 15yo, police won't do anything about kids who decided to leave home (here in Canada). However, if the kid does something criminal, -while living away!!! - the parent would be responsible.
All the poor mother can do, is let her daughter be. She listens to her daughter, gives her a couch to sleep on at times, but the daughter doesn't want to move back in, - because that would mean no "freedom" (as she wants it), anymore.
An older person can see that this girl will have several rough years, figuring it all out, - and no one can really do anything about it, unless she meets some sort of a mentor who would turn her life around. But one has to be ripe for that sort of a mentor.
Coincidentally, this girl also has a father problem. He was a loser and half-existent in her life... Never mind that the mother is basically a good person, and has 3 older kids by her first husband. It's mind-boggling how girls have such strong father issues, - especially when he is not in the picture, and it should be less of an issue...
Absolutely! OMG, what a concept! If you don't have a perfect child...if they are not everything you expect them to be....if they do anything that disappoints you, it's YOUR fault...because YOU failed to lay a strong enough foundation for them. Oh Puhlease! Wow, what a concept. Maybe I should share that with my mother, "Hey mom, you know all those retarded things I did when I was a teenager?...You know...all the times I didn't listen to you and did stuff anyway....like getting married, divorcing at 18, because he was physically and emotionally abusive? Yeah, well Mom, it was all your fault!" Wow, I feel sooooo much better now!
Yes, if only our kids would always listen to use all the time...... Or that might have gone for some of us too, if we had always done only what we were told to do. But no - some people just don't do it that way. Or they do it for 17 or 18 years and then start getting a mind of their own.
What sometimes amazes me is when you see the kids of parents who did everything wrong turn out fine. I know a couple of guys whose mother left them and has gone through many marriages, flings, affairs - and their father wasn't perfect at first but he settled down and raised them with his second wife. The mom was in the picture but more as a fun buddy, not a real parent and both these guys finished college - and on time, have good careers, stable marriages. Some kids even learn from their parents mistakes while others won't listen to the best advice.
It's like the parable of the prodigal son - one did everything he was supposed to do, the other didn't but later on did come around. It's a parable that works because it's how things often go when it comes to parenting.
Yes, if only our kids would always listen to use all the time...... Or that might have gone for some of us too, if we had always done only what we were told to do. But no - some people just don't do it that way. Or they do it for 17 or 18 years and then start getting a mind of their own.
What sometimes amazes me is when you see the kids of parents who did everything wrong turn out fine. I know a couple of guys whose mother left them and has gone through many marriages, flings, affairs - and their father wasn't perfect at first but he settled down and raised them with his second wife. The mom was in the picture but more as a fun buddy, not a real parent and both these guys finished college - and on time, have good careers, stable marriages. Some kids even learn from their parents mistakes while others won't listen to the best advice.
It's like the parable of the prodigal son - one did everything he was supposed to do, the other didn't but later on did come around. It's a parable that works because it's how things often go when it comes to parenting.
Malamute...I have the same stories to tell. LOL There are adults in this community who had me shaking my head for years! "How, in God's green Earth, did YOU turn out so incredible? Look what you CAME from? Look at the people who raised you? How did YOU come from THAT!" Honestly, I get choked up thinking about some of these people. These are people who, when they were children, you just couldn't believe the state would not remove from their parent (s) custody. These kids didn't have parents! These kids lived with junkies and drunks and basically raised themselves. As far as parenting went, it was non-existent. They defied their parents by not joining in with their lifestyle!
I guess that's what made it so tough when our oldest slid off the tracks, you know? We did everything we thought you were "supposed" to do. We tried to be the most excellent parents, have a stable and happy home life, do everything "right"...and yet...LOL To see some of these kids who had NONE of what we were giving our kids, turn out to be so responsible, so upstanding, such hard workers...well, it made us (or at least ME) question whether or not I'd done ANYTHING right!
I think this is an issue of immaturity and a pretty common story of girls falling in love with bad boys.
My mother and my MIL both did it. My MIL is the most conservative Southern good girl you will ever meet, and she was not immune to the charm of the rebel with the sad background.
The OP's daughter will hopefully grow out of it like many a young lady who's preceded her.
I think all you can do is to keep communication open, set some boundaries, and be there for her when it all (hopefully) comes to an end.
It no longer amazes me how ignorant some poor folks can be, so ignorant they don't even know it, I can only hope their children are absolutely "perfect" throughout their whole lives (impossible to achieve) so that parent doesn't have to face the fact, in their minds, that they didn't parent well and didn't give them that perfect "foundation"...ridiculous thinking.
Even if a child has the perfect "foundation" they are going to mess up at some point in their lives....it's called life and it's normal. I come from parents who did not care, a father who drank like a fish, on and andon... so...not a good "foundation"...people have asked me in the past how did you ever turn out so nice and kind, I'm a good person, I know I am and care deeply for others and their feelings, I've always been that way, no BS, lying, cheating..none of that.
Anyhoo...thank you to everyone for their advice and thoughts, not because I "like" what you said, which actually I did and know you are right, the other stupid comments are just that, anyone can tell me the truth, what they think and I've never got angry etc because I don't like to be told I'm doing something wrong, actually quite the opposite, we all learn that way and it can open our eyes and help us and that's what I was looking for, the other comments are just ridiculous, are of no help at all and just plain mean, so glad I do not think that way and good luck to them, really, they need it.
The problem is when you see your child making errors in judgement that you know may have long term consequences. My kids are all young adults now, ages 27-17, and they GROAN when they hear me start a conversation with, " I am not going to tell you what to do, BUT I WILL TELL YOU MY PERSONAL OPINION..."And I do.
I can't remember that movie with the young girl, who has a bad boy boyfriend, and he ends up breaking into the home? I watched that movie with my daughter, and we discussed the filmabout the parents, the daughter, and the BF. And my daughter agreed the guy was a loser, but I wanted he to see how the daughter was infatuated with him, there is this one scene where they are on a roller coaster...making out. It is a good film to discuss how the power of sex can cloud judgement.
I often "sneak/pick" certain movies to eatch with my kids, and then we discuss the film...especially when a movie has a situation that paralells something I see in their lives. You can find these movies by googling "movies for therapy" and it brings up a list of films, with a summary.
I will find the title of the above movie for you to just watch with your daughter.
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