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If you feel your life is being put on hold by living with your parent(s), then maybe you need to do some reevaluation.
If my rules were the same as when I was 19, no guy would want to stick around and try to date me.
I sure as hell wouldn't try to date someone who had a curfew and a BEDTIME. If I was out on my own I would want them to be able to come over and stay the night once it got to that point in the relationship.
I would NEVER date someone that controlled by their parents. It would be too hard to see them, to hard to spend any time with them and I would feel like I was dating a child no matter their age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn
I'm not sure why you feel the need to keep debating this with me. I believe the adult parent has the right to set whatever rules they like. It is their house. The adult child should be adult enough to understand that concept. The adult child can decide whether or not she wants to abide by them. If she doesn't want to follow her parents' rules then she can move out. It's really very simple.
You mentioned that you had a "breakdown" and "freaked out" trying to live with your mothers rules. It sounds like she gave in to you and changed them. In my house that would not have happened. You could have thrown the freak-out of all time and I'd have said, "Sorry, tantrums not allowed. If you think the rules are unliveable then move."
As far as "it's not easy these days" I can assure you it was not easy when I was your age. You're giving an excuse, not a reason. I don't do excuses. When I was your age we sucked it up and lived in a horrible apartment if that's all we could afford. We lived IN that horrible apartment while we were "finding the right man and getting our career in order".
Finally, the idea that a woman might loose Mr. Right because her parents have rules is very bizarre to me. Is Mr Right objecting to her parents' rules? Why? Because HE doesn't like them? Sounds juvenile and controlling to me.
One more thing: "Fair and reasonable" rules are set by the parent. They have TOTAL discretion on determining what is "fair and reasonable". That's in the by-laws under "My house, my rules".
Well I guess I won't debate this with you anymore because you aren't getting my point.
The first time I posted was about the whole rules situtation. When she handed me this list of rules dictating, what time I was to go to bed, what time I was to wake up, what time I was to shut off my laptop, what time I was to shut off my phone, a curfew, it was very controlling and I hadn't had rules like that before, she had never been that strict.
I will admit I did freak out I thought it was outrageous that at 19 I was being given a bedtime and a wake time. It wasn't needed I was a good kid, I wasn't getting into trouble.
She started placing rules down on me during that time due to things that were happening with my brother.
She was doing the same to him too, she was having trouble coping with him growing up, he was getting interested in girls etc etc and she freaked out on both of us.
I just simply pointed out that she was projecting on me and how it wasn't fair to me to be placing me under those rules when I hadn't done anything and that I was 19 and shouldn't be told to do those things.
And like I said above, if I met someone and found out they lived at home, it would probably be over pretty soon. If they had reasonable parents, yeah it might work but if they were around my age and still living at home and their parents gave them curfews, bedtimes, made them shut off their phones at night. It just would not work out with me.
TG and I leave each other text messages at night and I send him one early in the morning telling him to have a good day at work.
I had a guy interested in me, he's actually a friend and his parents are very controlling, I flat out told him that it would not work out, we needed to stay friends and that I couldn't date someone still living at home who had their lives so controlled. I am 22, I am an adult, I do not want to date someone who has to live life like a 13 year old. I wouldn't expect someone to tolerate that with me either, I would not put a guy through that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
If it is the parent's house, the parent can be as unreasonable as the parent pleases. If the kid does not like it, they can probably find the door.
Mr Right is gonna leave because he can't get in your pants? Move out. Life is not easy. Never was. These days are no different. Want a free ride? Pay for it with acceptance of the rules.
Seems to me.
Would you want to date someone who still had a curfew AND a bedtime? Like a legit bedtime, where they had to be in bed lights out no texting. Would you want to feel like you were dating a child?
TG doesn't come over to my house and he doesn't even ask to be able to sleep over because he says it "feels too high school" hanging out at someones parents house. I agree with him. I am past those days as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear
I agree that in the parents house the parents are free to set whatever rules they like. However, I do think that parents have a responsibility to make house rules appropriate to an adult child.
I totally agree with others who have said that a man is not Mr. Right if he is disrespectful of a young woman's parents.
THANK YOU! It should be appropriate to an adult child.
And I never said anyone was disrespectful but if I had a guy ask me out on a date and then tell me he had to be home by a certain time for curfew or that he couldn't text after a certain time because of his parents rules, I would tell him that it wouldn't work out and that I was wanting a more adult relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear
Parents have a responsibility to treat their adult children like adults. Whether they live at home or not. Providing support for a young adult while they get their adult life together does not mean that the adult child gives up all control over their life.
IMO it is inappropriate for parents to set a curfew for an adult child. Or to control their private romantic life.
*bows down to you* THANK YOU!
Exactly what I am saying.
I respect my mom's house, I don't come barging in at 4am, stomping through the house with a bottle of tequila in hand.
I don't have TG spend the night, he doesn't even want to spend the night at my house.
I keep my room pretty clean.
I help her out with stuff when I can.
I don't make her pay for my extra expenses.
I take very quick showers and try not to use a lot of hot water.
I only do my laundry like every 3 weeks. (I spend most my time in a work uniform or pjs.)
I don't even bring my friends by the house.
I work 40+ hours a week.
In return she doesn't give me a curfew, just tells me times I need to be quiet, she doesn't make it mandatory for me to come home at night because she knows my relationship with TG and that it is very important to me and I can't put it on hold till I move out.
Well I guess I won't debate this with you anymore because you aren't getting my point.
Fair enough. You haven't gotten my point either. (I'm basing this on your repeated lack of response to anything I post that doesn't agree with your arguments.) So we can call it even. Cool.
Fair enough. You haven't gotten my point either. (I'm basing this on your repeated lack of response to anything I post that doesn't agree with your arguments.) So we can call it even. Cool. I'm sure America is breathing a massive sigh of relief that we're done, lol.
I DO get your point. That's just it.
Yes, parents CAN set down any rules they want. Yes, they can determine what they deem as reasonable and fair. It is THEIR house, THEIR rules.
But MY POINT is just because it comes out of a parents mouth, does not make it fair nor reasonable in the grand scheme of things.
Giving a 19 year old a curfew of 10pm, a bedtime of midnight and a wake time of 8am and tell them that they have to be IN bed, lights out and trying to sleep is CONTROLLING and is not reasonable and fair no matter who's house or who sets down the rules. It may be the parents right to set those rules down but just because a parent sets those rules does not make it fair or right.
I'm sorry but just because you push a baby out of your vajayjay does not make you the ultimate power who is just and fair no matter what you do.
Txtqueen, how much do you pay your mom for rent? If you are paying your fair market share, then you have the right to negotiate rules much as any tenant would with her landlord and roommates. If you are not paying rent, then it is very much her rules. I had to move home for a month in between college and finding my first job and my parents did not require me to pay rent as long as I was job hunting - but I had strict rules. Couldn't spend the night out (which I was allowed to do when home on breaks from college and I even lived with my ex for a few months following graduation until we broke up and I had to move home), couldn't drink in the house, couldn't watch TV past 9PM (when my mom went to be), had to be up by 7AM, had to cook all the meals for my family, had to do the lion's share of the chores in the house, etc etc.
Is it fair that your mom has strict rules for you as an adult? Maybe not. But life isn't fair. It is fair that in the past year you have sat in your mom's house stagnating? No. Not fair to you, and certainly not fair to her. I'm only a few years older than you and I spent the last year moving across the country for a job following college graduation, living in an apartment with roommates where I walked 2 miles each way for work until it got cold - then took the bus. A few months after that, I got diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma a month after my 23rd birthday. Suddenly I found myself 100% financially independent (the few $100 my family and coworkers were able to kick me barely made a dent in copays, medication costs, and other unexpected costs), 1000 miles from home, and STILL WORKING FULL TIME while doing 6 months of chemo - even taking my laptop to work from the infusion room every other week so I wouldn't fall behind. 2 weeks after chemo ended, I started an MBA program in healthcare management and now I'm up for a promotion that I will likely get even though I've only been working for a little over a year and was seriously ill for half of that time.
Now, I managed to move my life forward WHILE FACING CANCER BY MYSELF. What is your excuse? You have been complaining about living at home for over a year. You get 6 months to complain - it's a tough job market for a young person with no skills. You don't get over a year to complain while doing very little to change your circumstances. Get your act together. I would sympathize with you a little more if you were a recent grad job hunting or if you had been laid off suddenly and had to move home. Instead, you have never really left the nest and show very little REAL initiative in doing so. Your mother can and should make living at home as unpleasant for you as possible.
If you want things to change, offer $400 a month in rent (or whatever the equivalent rate for a room in a fully furnished apartment would cost - in my area, your digs would cost closer to $800 or $900 a month for a room) and 1/3 of the utilities. If you cannot come up with a satisfactory rental agreement then your 30 day notice, like a grown up, and move out.
Txtqueen, how much do you pay your mom for rent? If you are paying your fair market share, then you have the right to negotiate rules much as any tenant would with her landlord and roommates. If you are not paying rent, then it is very much her rules. I had to move home for a month in between college and finding my first job and my parents did not require me to pay rent as long as I was job hunting - but I had strict rules. Couldn't spend the night out (which I was allowed to do when home on breaks from college and I even lived with my ex for a few months following graduation until we broke up and I had to move home), couldn't drink in the house, couldn't watch TV past 9PM (when my mom went to be), had to be up by 7AM, had to cook all the meals for my family, had to do the lion's share of the chores in the house, etc etc.
Is it fair that your mom has strict rules for you as an adult? Maybe not. But life isn't fair. It is fair that in the past year you have sat in your mom's house stagnating? No. Not fair to you, and certainly not fair to her. I'm only a few years older than you and I spent the last year moving across the country for a job following college graduation, living in an apartment with roommates where I walked 2 miles each way for work until it got cold - then took the bus. A few months after that, I got diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma a month after my 23rd birthday. Suddenly I found myself 100% financially independent (the few $100 my family and coworkers were able to kick me barely made a dent in copays, medication costs, and other unexpected costs), 1000 miles from home, and STILL WORKING FULL TIME while doing 6 months of chemo - even taking my laptop to work from the infusion room every other week so I wouldn't fall behind. 2 weeks after chemo ended, I started an MBA program in healthcare management and now I'm up for a promotion that I will likely get even though I've only been working for a little over a year and was seriously ill for half of that time.
Now, I managed to move my life forward WHILE FACING CANCER BY MYSELF. What is your excuse? You have been complaining about living at home for over a year. You get 6 months to complain - it's a tough job market for a young person with no skills. You don't get over a year to complain while doing very little to change your circumstances. Get your act together. I would sympathize with you a little more if you were a recent grad job hunting or if you had been laid off suddenly and had to move home. Instead, you have never really left the nest and show very little REAL initiative in doing so. Your mother can and should make living at home as unpleasant for you as possible.
If you want things to change, offer $400 a month in rent (or whatever the equivalent rate for a room in a fully furnished apartment would cost - in my area, your digs would cost closer to $800 or $900 a month for a room) and 1/3 of the utilities. If you cannot come up with a satisfactory rental agreement then your 30 day notice, like a grown up, and move out.
She HAD strict rules. She doesn't now.
Plus I work too much and too late for a curfew to even work.
Anyways I haven't sat around stagnating, I've been trying to find a way to get out of my mom's house. I've been trying to find a job that allows me to do so.
BB&B didn't give me enough hours or enough money.
The gas station was only 7.50 an hour.
Wal-mart's checks went into gas to get me to work, it was 15 miles from my house, 30 minutes each way and it just took all my gas.
Now, I work about 10 minutes from my mom's house, I make $11 hour and I am always getting overtime or holiday pay. I'll be bringing in about $700 every two weeks, NOW it's doable to move out with in the next few checks.
Now I CAN get a place. Now I CAN afford to move out.
Now it is possible.
And I have been trying to find roommates, all my friends are off getting engaged and pregnant, which I have no desire to do right now. Engaged maybe pregnant, no.
I have an apartment I might be moving into in a few weeks. We'll see how it goes, if I can get my move in date to be mid-january I can get prorated rent for the first month and be good.
I DO get your point. That's just it.
Yes, parents CAN set down any rules they want. Yes, they can determine what they deem as reasonable and fair. It is THEIR house, THEIR rules.
But MY POINT is just because it comes out of a parents mouth, does not make it fair nor reasonable in the grand scheme of things.
I guess that is where I differ with you, the scheme of things. The scheme of things is that a parent does not have a responsibility to provide a free ride to their ADULT offspring. Since they don't owe adult offspring domicile, they don't have a responsibility to reasonable, and I think that that is perfectly fair. The price of admission to adult decisions is supporting yourself.
I would not personally choose to be a pain in the neck to my adult offspring just for giggles. But neither would they be shacking on my dime.
Is it fair that your mom has strict rules for you as an adult? Maybe not. But life isn't fair. It is fair that in the past year you have sat in your mom's house stagnating? No. Not fair to you, and certainly not fair to her. I'm only a few years older than you and I spent the last year moving across the country for a job following college graduation, living in an apartment with roommates where I walked 2 miles each way for work until it got cold - then took the bus. A few months after that, I got diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma a month after my 23rd birthday. Suddenly I found myself 100% financially independent (the few $100 my family and coworkers were able to kick me barely made a dent in copays, medication costs, and other unexpected costs), 1000 miles from home, and STILL WORKING FULL TIME while doing 6 months of chemo - even taking my laptop to work from the infusion room every other week so I wouldn't fall behind. 2 weeks after chemo ended, I started an MBA program in healthcare management and now I'm up for a promotion that I will likely get even though I've only been working for a little over a year and was seriously ill for half of that time.
Now, I managed to move my life forward WHILE FACING CANCER BY MYSELF. What is your excuse? You have been complaining about living at home for over a year. You get 6 months to complain - it's a tough job market for a young person with no skills. You don't get over a year to complain while doing very little to change your circumstances. Get your act together. I would sympathize with you a little more if you were a recent grad job hunting or if you had been laid off suddenly and had to move home. Instead, you have never really left the nest and show very little REAL initiative in doing so. Your mother can and should make living at home as unpleasant for you as possible.
I'd be proud to have you as my child. My gosh, I wish you nothing but good health and happiness. This is one of the most inspiring things I have read in a very long time. Thank you SO much for sharing your story.
I guess that is where I differ with you, the scheme of things. The scheme of things is that a parent does not have a responsibility to provide a free ride to their ADULT offspring. Since they don't owe adult offspring domicile, they don't have a responsibility to reasonable, and I think that that is perfectly fair. The price of admission to adult decisions is supporting yourself.
I would not personally choose to be a pain in the neck to my adult offspring just for giggles. But neither would they be shacking on my dime.
Like I said she was doing it because she was freaking out about my brother.
This was around the time he started getting interested in girls and this one girl in particular liked to text him and call him and wanted to spend time with him. He was wanting to stay up later at night and have the same freedoms I did and something inside my mom snapped.
She blocked the girls number from his phone, blocked internet from his phone, had blocks set on his phone, he couldn't use it to call anyone but me and her during 7am-3pm and then again from 9pm-6am.
She then turned to me and blocked picture messaging on my phone.
Set the bedtime, waketime and curfew and a few other things.
She went haywire.
I gave it about a week and then pointed out to her she has two really good kids, neither who are in legal trouble, do drugs or cause trouble and do well in school, who were smarter and had more common sense than most their peers.
I told her it was unfair what she was doing and that she was only going to push us very far away if she kept doing what she was doing.
We came to a compromise, I would go into my room at a certain time at night and just be quiet and make my brother think I was asleep.
My college classes were at night because I had to go once my brother was out of school and my mom was off work and could take me, since I didn't have my car at 19. So my classes started anywhere from right when she got off work to 5pm and went to 9pm and I explained to her that I was more awake at night and wanted to do my homework and papers then.
This was just a result of her freaking out over her kids growing up and me bringing her back down to earth to see that she was going to lose us both if she kept on.
Of course the first few days there was a lot of screaming and crying about how unfair it was but we worked it out.
There's no need to be like that when I WAS working towards my education.
And now there is no need to be like that with me working.
I would give her rent money and such if I knew she was going to do the whole put it into a savings account so when I do move out I have it to use for the apt like some parents do but I can't trust her to not spend it.
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Cool.
