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You pay for the phone, you have a right to look at the messages. Also the same with the computer. I regularly sat down with her and we went thru her Facebook, etc. so she could show me who was who.
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heh...this would have simply caused me to make an alternate FB profile and add random people to "show" you, simply for spite. As to text messages, those would have begun to be deleted immediately after recieving. Taking away phone wouldnt have worked, since I didnt really care either way, and taking it away would have simply made it harder for my mom to track me. Ground me? Good luck. Didnt care about that either...Id just read for entertainment for the amount of time the grounding was for.
I was never into drugs, and never had sex, or much contact in that manner, till 18 years old. I was, however, a private person in regards to my relationships, and still am at 24.
Just two cents from a someone who was a rebellious, and sneaky, teenager not too long ago.
You may think you've got a handle, butits pretty much a guarantee there are things you dont, and wont, know about for a looongg time. You cant shield them from everything.
I love these discussions, have just raised two teen girls.
I caution against that "I trust my child and he tells me everything" mentality. Because I talked to my girls all the time, I usually knew the dirt on all the other girls at school. Most often, the ones doing drugs and alcohol, btw, were the star athletes and the populars with good grades. Their parents had no clue that their kids were going to school drunk, they "trusted" them because they were getting good grades, were popular, and involved in school activities.
Oh, and my younger teen? She was an example of how far "having talks" and being "trusing," really goes. Now she would talk about stuff people were doing at school, and how stupid it was. And how she didn't understand how anyone could drink, etc.
Well.. fast forward to when we were moving, and I had to pick up a pile of papers out of her room. In the papers was a letter to a friend that she had rewritten. Imagine my shock when I realized that she was doing all of those things she told me were "stupid." And her friends that I thought were upstanding citizens, were the ones that introduced her to the substances.
The best way to parent is "Trust but verify." It's the only way. Used to be that kids had their friends call at home, on the home phone. You knew who was calling, and had actual contact with other parents, and tabs on your kid. Now.. if your kid has a cell phone, you have no idea who they're involved with, or what they're doing. The make plans all the time without your knowledge.
You pay for the phone, you have a right to look at the messages. Also the same with the computer. I regularly sat down with her and we went thru her Facebook, etc. so she could show me who was who.
Trust by verify. the most accomplished kids are school are the drunks and stoners. Always.
Thank you! my point exactly. "Trust but verify", is a perfect discription. Any reasonably intelligent kid can tell you exactly what you want to hear. I am sorry, but a KID should not have 100% privacy. I am responsible for them, their well being, and what they are doing! I think that this is why teachers have such a hard job these days. Some parents automatically side with their kid and just can't believe that THEIR kid misbehaves in school. They are just blind to the fact that little Johnny has a whole other personality when he's with his friends and at school. I agree with another poster, I own that kid, and all that is "his" until he moves out of my house! There are many ways to teach responsibility. Being blind is not one of them.
My kids haven't hit the age where this is a major concern, but I feel that snooping is a major violation of trust between parents and kids. Trust and respect are a two-way street and I can't imagine as a child feeling any less trusted or respected than knowing that my parents are rooting through my things, looking at my activity on the computer and reading the messages on my cell phone.
I tried to think of a case where I would snoop behind my child's back and I honestly couldn't think of one. If my intuition about something being wrong was strong enough to compel me to snoop, I think I would confront them first and have them with me while I did it.
I love these discussions, have just raised two teen girls.
I caution against that "I trust my child and he tells me everything" mentality. Because I talked to my girls all the time, I usually knew the dirt on all the other girls at school. Most often, the ones doing drugs and alcohol, btw, were the star athletes and the populars with good grades. Their parents had no clue that their kids were going to school drunk, they "trusted" them because they were getting good grades, were popular, and involved in school activities.
Oh, and my younger teen? She was an example of how far "having talks" and being "trusing," really goes. Now she would talk about stuff people were doing at school, and how stupid it was. And how she didn't understand how anyone could drink, etc.
Well.. fast forward to when we were moving, and I had to pick up a pile of papers out of her room. In the papers was a letter to a friend that she had rewritten. Imagine my shock when I realized that she was doing all of those things she told me were "stupid." And her friends that I thought were upstanding citizens, were the ones that introduced her to the substances.
The best way to parent is "Trust but verify." It's the only way. Used to be that kids had their friends call at home, on the home phone. You knew who was calling, and had actual contact with other parents, and tabs on your kid. Now.. if your kid has a cell phone, you have no idea who they're involved with, or what they're doing. The make plans all the time without your knowledge.
You pay for the phone, you have a right to look at the messages. Also the same with the computer. I regularly sat down with her and we went thru her Facebook, etc. so she could show me who was who.
Trust by verify. the most accomplished kids are school are the drunks and stoners. Always.
Thank you! my point exactly. "Trust but verify", is a perfect discription. Any reasonably intelligent kid can tell you exactly what you want to hear. I am sorry, but a KID should not have 100% privacy. I am responsible for them, their well being, and what they are doing! I think that this is why teachers have such a hard job these days. Some parents automatically side with their kid and just can't believe that THEIR kid misbehaves in school. They are just blind to the fact that little Johnny has a whole other personality when he's with his friends and at school. I agree with another poster, I own that kid, and all that is "his" until he moves out of my house! There are many ways to teach responsibility. Being blind is not one of them.
Yes and people bring up the issue of trust. Well my kids trust me, they trust that I will check up on things if I believe I should - I flat out have told them I will.
The trust goes two ways after all. If I feel any need to check up I will. They can trust me on that. They can trust me when I have told them it's my house and I've paid for every room in it and I make the rules what can be in my house.
Like another poster said, when they really want privacy, they will be at least 18 and move into their own place. But until then, if I even suspect there might be a gun or drugs, stolen items or anything illegal or against my rules in my house, I will check out that suspicion. And I will check on anything I think I should for their own protection and safety.
It's like children chatting on computers to pedophiles -- where were the parents?
Yes and people bring up the issue of trust. Well my kids trust me, they trust that I will check up on things if I believe I should - I flat out have told them I will.
The trust goes two ways after all. If I feel any need to check up I will. They can trust me on that. They can trust me when I have told them it's my house and I've paid for every room in it and I make the rules what can be in my house.
Like another poster said, when they really want privacy, they will be at least 18 and move into their own place. But until then, if I even suspect there might be a gun or drugs, stolen items or anything illegal or against my rules in my house, I will check out that suspicion. And I will check on anything I think I should for their own protection and safety.
It's like children chatting on computers to pedophiles -- where were the parents?
Yeah but what if they ARE 18?
What if they pay for their own stuff? Like internet, laptop, cell phone etc, do you STILL get to search it?
Any person who is 18 (or 21 or 37) who thinks they should be allowed to live exactly how they want to with no interference from Mom (and/or Dad as the case may be) needs to realise that the way to do that is to get a job and move out on their own.
End of debate of Mom bugging the child. Oh, and don't give her a key to the new place.
Any person who is 18 (or 21 or 37) who thinks they should be allowed to live exactly how they want to with no interference from Mom (and/or Dad as the case may be) needs to realise that the way to do that is to get a job and move out on their own.
End of debate of Mom bugging the child. Oh, and don't give her a key to the new place.
Easy peasy.
But if an 18/19 year old ISN'T able to move out for whatever reason, of course lines and boundaries need to be drawn, don't you agree?
I mean, its not exactly like you can take something you don't pay for and go through it, for example a cell phone that is paid for by the 18+ child.
But if an 18/19 year old ISN'T able to move out for whatever reason, of course lines and boundaries need to be drawn, don't you agree?
I mean, its not exactly like you can take something you don't pay for and go through it, for example a cell phone that is paid for by the 18+ child.
And the lines and boundaries are drawn by the parent. It's called "Having All The Power" because it's their house.
txt: You and I and everybody on this forum knows you aren't posting about some random 18/19 year old. I just put new batteries in my Whine-O-Meter and it's going off.
Maybe this is a good place to add I lived at home while I went to college. I knew my parents made the rules. Had I broken them my mother would not have snooped through my things. She would have held the front door open and pointed me toward the Motel 6.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 05-10-2011 at 03:41 PM..
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