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Old 05-05-2011, 09:56 PM
 
13 posts, read 51,961 times
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I have a friend whose child frequently plays with my toddler. Mine is almost 2 years old, and hers is over one year older than mine. One thing bothers me is that her child will routinely take toy that mine is playing with. He occasionally try to grab it from my son's hand (usually without success) but most of the times, he come and take it when my toddler doesn't have his hand on the toy but have it right in front of him and it is very clear he is still playing with it. His parents sometimes intervene and give the toy back, but other times they won't. The other child is just too quick and eager to take toy from my son. This happens often enough to bother me, and it happens both in her home and in mine. Today my son had to be upset several times because of this.

A couple of things that concerns me is that first, my son is one year younger than hers and thus at disadvantage. Shall I avoid having playdate with them? May be not totally, but as much as possible, because my son is upset too often for me to not to be bothered. Am I sacrificing my sons opportunity to interact with other children by doing so? I mean my son will be going to daycare really soon and I suppose he can get all the interaction with other kids there after all.

And I'm also wondering what I can do in such a situation. It's certainly not right for me to get the toy back. But can I help him in preventing others from taking his toy? For example I hold the toy when I see the other child trying to take it?

Another thing is that my son does have the tendency to just let other kids take his toy. I really want to teach him to protect his toy and also to be quick in claiming favorite toys in the presence of other children. Is there any technique in achieving this? He's still to young for me to communicate effectively with him on these ideas. I'm really concerned that he will grow up letting other people walk over him.
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Old 05-06-2011, 04:27 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,499 posts, read 54,067,462 times
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I don't think you need to worry about your son being walked all over just because of a toy issue at age 1.

I would try to concentrate NOT on having him protect his toy but learning how to share. That is what they will teach in day care. There is a certain degree to which you can teach him how to share and how to have a favorite toy. Frankly I think you are looking at this all wrong.
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:40 AM
 
13 posts, read 51,961 times
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I know sharing is important. But I think it's also important that he hold on to his toy when other children simply come and try to take it away right in front of him, because it's very upsetting to him, and I think it's not unreasonable for him to be upset about that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I don't think you need to worry about your son being walked all over just because of a toy issue at age 1.

I would try to concentrate NOT on having him protect his toy but learning how to share. That is what they will teach in day care. There is a certain degree to which you can teach him how to share and how to have a favorite toy. Frankly I think you are looking at this all wrong.
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Old 05-06-2011, 07:03 AM
 
613 posts, read 991,339 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigsmile View Post
I have a friend whose child frequently plays with my toddler. Mine is almost 2 years old, and hers is over one year older than mine. One thing bothers me is that her child will routinely take toy that mine is playing with. He occasionally try to grab it from my son's hand (usually without success) but most of the times, he come and take it when my toddler doesn't have his hand on the toy but have it right in front of him and it is very clear he is still playing with it. His parents sometimes intervene and give the toy back, but other times they won't. The other child is just too quick and eager to take toy from my son. This happens often enough to bother me, and it happens both in her home and in mine. Today my son had to be upset several times because of this.

A couple of things that concerns me is that first, my son is one year younger than hers and thus at disadvantage. Shall I avoid having playdate with them? May be not totally, but as much as possible, because my son is upset too often for me to not to be bothered. Am I sacrificing my sons opportunity to interact with other children by doing so? I mean my son will be going to daycare really soon and I suppose he can get all the interaction with other kids there after all.

And I'm also wondering what I can do in such a situation. It's certainly not right for me to get the toy back. But can I help him in preventing others from taking his toy? For example I hold the toy when I see the other child trying to take it?

Another thing is that my son does have the tendency to just let other kids take his toy. I really want to teach him to protect his toy and also to be quick in claiming favorite toys in the presence of other children. Is there any technique in achieving this? He's still to young for me to communicate effectively with him on these ideas. I'm really concerned that he will grow up letting other people walk over him.
I was in this exact same situation when my dd was 2, though the parent of the other child (3 yrs old), never intervened. The other child took away EVERY toy. Every play date ended with my dd in tears. The parent did acknowledge that her daughter did not know how to interact with other kids due to lack of being around other kids, but still did nothing to teach her.

I had no ill will against either the mother or the child, but I did stop having play dates with them.

Problem solved.
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Old 05-06-2011, 07:06 AM
 
1,073 posts, read 2,686,108 times
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My daughter is a lot like your son in terms of lacking assertiveness. Some parents are good about intervening in these situations, and others, like the mom you meet with, are not. The way I have handled it is to just sit on the floor right next to the kids and gently intervene. If a kid grabbed a toy out of my child's hand, I would gently take it back and say "oops! she wasn't done playing with that...you can have a turn after she's done." Then I made sure after a few minutes to encourage my child to give the other child a turn with the toy. As my daughter grew older, she started modeling this kind of gentle yet firm assertiveness. Although one time she did this and the kid smacked her right in the face. I had to intervene with that one too . Kids need so much guidance at that age (well, at most ages I suppose).

The behavior you're describing is completely normal. IMO it is up to parents to intervene and teach. If you intervene gently and kindly, I don't see why the other mom should have any problem. When I have done this, other moms usually pick up the idea pretty quickly and start teaching their child.

I can guarantee in daycare though, your child will be in this situation over and over, and will likely learn how to cope one way or another very quickly.

Every child is different. I have one who is on the timid side, and one who is very bold. Having a younger (bold) sister has helped my older daughter come out of her shell a lot.

Good luck to you.
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Old 05-06-2011, 07:19 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
14,785 posts, read 24,078,334 times
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Yes I think you should cut off the play dates until she teaches her child not to take toys from other kids . And if she asks you be upfront and honest and tell her that her child needs to learn some manners and how not to take toys away from other children and until he or she does then there will be no more play dates and if mom gets upset then so be it .
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Old 05-06-2011, 07:25 AM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,980 posts, read 14,559,909 times
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I think every parent of a young child goes through this. I know when mine were younger I wanted to sort it out for them, and took it a bit too seriously. If I was to do it over I would take a huge step back, and as long as no one was getting hurt, I'd let them sort it out. Adding more kids to the mix may help too. Suggest you and your friend join a play group or mother's morning out.
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Old 05-06-2011, 07:40 AM
 
43,011 posts, read 108,025,167 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigsmile View Post
Another thing is that my son does have the tendency to just let other kids take his toy. I really want to teach him to protect his toy and also to be quick in claiming favorite toys in the presence of other children. Is there any technique in achieving this?
You goal seems a bit greedy. Protecting his toy is one thing but rushing to claim his favorite toys when other children are around? Whatever happened to teaching children to share?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigsmile View Post
He's still to young for me to communicate effectively with him on these ideas. I'm really concerned that he will grow up letting other people walk over him.
He's more likely to grow up letting other people walk over him if you are intervening. He needs to learn how to navigate life on his own to a certain extent. If he relies on you, he won't be able to do it for himself.

As someone mentioned, he will encounter this type of behavior in preschool and kindergarten---when you're not around. One way or another, he has to learn how to cope, either by being more assertive or not getting upset when he's not assertive.

If he has a naturally passive personality, I fear you will impose your own negativity in his mind by trying to overly change his personality or interject yourself to solve problems for him. That could make him feel more badly about situations than he truly feels about them.

Taking a step back and letting him work things out on his own is excellent advice.
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Old 05-06-2011, 10:08 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,866,126 times
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It's important to let him develop his own way of dealing with the problem, so he'll be able to handle it in school. Most teachers seem frustrated by kids who are constantly tattling on others, and I think a lot of the time it's because they're used to their mothers handling everything.

When my kids were too little to express a preference about who they played with, I usually chose their playmates by how well I got along with the mother. We did quit playing with kids who were too rough, or kids who bit, but disputes over toys were always settled by the kids, unless they started getting physical.

Now, my youngest daughter is the smallest child in her grade at school, and she stands up for herself really well. My older daughter has trouble with other kids bullying her, but the little one is used to fending for herself among her big sister's friends, and has no trouble dealing with her classmates who are larger than she is.
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Old 05-06-2011, 10:21 AM
 
32,516 posts, read 37,166,395 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
It's important to let him develop his own way of dealing with the problem, so he'll be able to handle it in school. Most teachers seem frustrated by kids who are constantly tattling on others, and I think a lot of the time it's because they're used to their mothers handling everything.
This. I know it's hard because you're his mom and he's so little, but...

Your son will be fighting these battles his entire life. People will always want what he has and try to take it away from him. There will always be someone bigger and stronger. And probably meaner. What these little guys are doing is the way of the world.

Give him the tools to learn how to handle these situations on his own. As he gets older and stronger he'll figure out how to protect his stuff. Some of this just needs time. A certain amount of toddler-hood is spent scuffling. Perfectly natural. You aren't always going to be there to intervene. If he learns how to handle these things when he's small (and a lot of it by himself) he'll be a more secure adult.
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