How to handle situation if daughter's high school friends are drinking? (legal, parents)
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So daughter is in 9th grade....she came to me a few months ago and told me how upset she was that one of her best friends had gotten drunk with another girl and how dangerous she thought that was.
Fast forward to now....I found a string of emails from that same best friend to my daughter and to 5 more girls....talking about how they should get together and have a sleep over and how everyone should bring their share of alcohol...how they will do what they had done with just 2 girls but now with 5-6 girls...the girl who invited said, yes, I will have my older (11th) grade brother get me some, and you guys can steal from your parents and all chip in....all the girls were emailing, yes, I am in...all except my daughter she never responded to those emails, she sent her a separate message stating she couldn't do the sleepover but she could meet the next afternoon to have lunch at a tea room.
SO how do I approach this situation? I already called the girls mom who did the inviting in the first place...who at first said, oh those are just rumors...and so I read the emails to her, since its not just her daughter but also her son. I told her not to divulge that this info is from me, just to say one of the parents found out. I don't want the blame to be put on my duaghter/I want to stay anonymous. But this needs to stop before its a habit of these girls. I am confident my daughter would not have participated but it upsets me that all her friends were involved. I am just going to tell my daughter that one of the moms found out about this plan. But this needs to be nipped in the bud, we can't just say, no sleepover this weekend, because the girls will try to do it another weekend. By the way, these are all honor roll, athletes, etc, its very surprising.
It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and is trying to figure out herself how to deal with the situation.
You might "nip this one in the bud", but if those girls are determined, they will figure out a way. The best you can do is talk to your daughter about it, be open, talk about consequences, etc. Then trust her. At some point you will just have to trust she will make good decisions based on how you have raised her. If you think that's shocking now, you have a long few years ahead of you.
I can't say I've got any great advice other than that. My 17 year old son sees all the stupid things his classmates are doing (yes, they post it all on facebook), hears the stories, etc and just chooses to not get involved.
Does she know you read her emails? If not and she finds out, you've really broken trust with her. Unless she has been exhibiting risky behavior, etc., you need to let her have her privacy. It sounds like she's handling things fine anyway.
Tell her if she ever needs and excuse though to get out of something, you can always gladly provide it. Many times they want their parents to tell them no.
Its hard because this is a very small school(50 kids in the entire grade) , and this is her entire group of friends. I guess I am wondering if I did the right thing by contacting the mom and if the other parents should be contacted as well. Yes, I trust my daughter, but at the same time, it will be difficult for her if her entire group is drinking when they get together just for a fun girly sleepover. I feel if I was the parent, I would want to know so I was not 'hosting' these drinking parties and so they can be stopped now before they become a habit.
Sounds to me like you've already handled it. Your kid already has the right head on her shoulders to make the smarter decision, so you've already done your job as a parent. Just reinforce whatever life lessons you've given her to get her this far, and I'd say you're good.
I'll leave the 'reading her e-mail thing' alone for now, but I will say getting a hold of the other parent was the right thing to do. Hopefully they have enough good sense to a) act on this info and b) keep it anonymous.
If that's her entire group of friends, then she may have a long 4 years ahead of her if she can't find other friends. She's either going to stand up for herself and just say, "I don't want to do that" and see what happens, or she'll give in to peer pressure.
The girls who want to drink will figure out a way to do it. They just won't do it in a sleepover setting any more, most likely.
As a parent, I would darn sure know if this was going on in my house, so where were those parents going to be anyway? That's what I would wonder. If the girls didn't think twice that it would be easy to do this at their own home. I would say it's been going on for a while already, especially if the 11th grade brother is a pro at getting booze.
I am not worried about her giving in to peer pressure as much as I am worried about her friends, they are such nice, smart, well mannered girls and I am really surprised with their behavior. Apparently, from what my daughter tells me, they do it once the parents go to sleep in their bedrooms, one of the parents allows the kids to take the golf cart and they go on the golf course, etc. But generally these are parents who leave the kids alone and give them space and privacy (maybe too much).
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkcoop
If that's her entire group of friends, then she may have a long 4 years ahead of her if she can't find other friends. She's either going to stand up for herself and just say, "I don't want to do that" and see what happens, or she'll give in to peer pressure.
The girls who want to drink will figure out a way to do it. They just won't do it in a sleepover setting any more, most likely.
As a parent, I would darn sure know if this was going on in my house, so where were those parents going to be anyway? That's what I would wonder. If the girls didn't think twice that it would be easy to do this at their own home. I would say it's been going on for a while already, especially if the 11th grade brother is a pro at getting booze.
SO how do I approach this situation? I already called the girls mom who did the inviting in the first place...who at first said, oh those are just rumors...and so I read the emails to her, since its not just her daughter but also her son. I told her not to divulge that this info is from me, just to say one of the parents found out. I don't want the blame to be put on my duaghter/I want to stay anonymous.
I guarantee you that the mother knew what was happening. She'll tell her kids you called. My son was at a girl's house when her parents got a call from another girl's parents about smoking marijuana. When her parents got off the phone, they called her upstairs and yelled at her for hanging out with someone stupid enough to to tell their parents. My son was shocked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Davachka
I am confident my daughter would not have participated but it upsets me that all her friends were involved.
For now. She'll eventually participate. Maybe not to the extent they're doing it, but it's just a matter of time before she decides to try it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Davachka
By the way, these are all honor roll, athletes, etc, its very surprising.
I was similarly surprised to learn this myself. My children were most exposed to illegal activities via the students they met in honor classes and AP classes and on their sports teams. The good kids are wild these days.
So daughter is in 9th grade....she came to me a few months ago and told me how upset she was that one of her best friends had gotten drunk with another girl and how dangerous she thought that was.
Fast forward to now....I found a string of emails from that same best friend to my daughter and to 5 more girls....talking about how they should get together and have a sleep over and how everyone should bring their share of alcohol...how they will do what they had done with just 2 girls but now with 5-6 girls...the girl who invited said, yes, I will have my older (11th) grade brother get me some, and you guys can steal from your parents and all chip in....all the girls were emailing, yes, I am in...all except my daughter she never responded to those emails, she sent her a separate message stating she couldn't do the sleepover but she could meet the next afternoon to have lunch at a tea room.
SO how do I approach this situation? I already called the girls mom who did the inviting in the first place...who at first said, oh those are just rumors...and so I read the emails to her, since its not just her daughter but also her son. I told her not to divulge that this info is from me, just to say one of the parents found out. I don't want the blame to be put on my duaghter/I want to stay anonymous. But this needs to stop before its a habit of these girls. I am confident my daughter would not have participated but it upsets me that all her friends were involved. I am just going to tell my daughter that one of the moms found out about this plan. But this needs to be nipped in the bud, we can't just say, no sleepover this weekend, because the girls will try to do it another weekend. By the way, these are all honor roll, athletes, etc, its very surprising.
If these kids are drinking in sleep overs, it seems to me the parents are already in serious denial or simply don't care. They have every reason to know what's going on.
It's often the athletes and their clique that do the most drinking. Popularity has its price, sometimes the peer pressure is highest on those who want to be the most popular.
If these kids are at risk from driving, it might be best to have the police called.
I am not worried about her giving in to peer pressure as much as I am worried about her friends, they are such nice, smart, well mannered girls and I am really surprised with their behavior. Apparently, from what my daughter tells me, they do it once the parents go to sleep in their bedrooms, one of the parents allows the kids to take the golf cart and they go on the golf course, etc. But generally these are parents who leave the kids alone and give them space and privacy (maybe too much).
Yep. That's how it happened at my children's friends houses. Not enough supervision. Some parents are purposely not providing supervision too.
You should worry about her giving in to peer pressure. It's very likely to happen eventually if she doesn't find new friends. And if you restrict her from seeing these friends since you know what they are doing, she'll stop being honest with you about what her friends do. This is a complicated balancing act for parents. My kids told me everything and I tried very hard to not limit their friendships because I didn't want them to stop being honest with me.
It's often the athletes and their clique that do the most drinking.
This is my experience as well. And it hasn't changed since I was in school decades ago. The athletes do just as much as the "bad" kids, but the schools often let them get away with it because they're stars and the team needs them to pull the school ranking up.
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