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Old 05-15-2011, 09:27 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,839,661 times
Reputation: 30715

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Quote:
Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick View Post
I don't like drama but yes, it's been present in my life a lot...
I understand that. I rode the drama roller coaster when I was younger. You can get off that roller coaster. I swear! I did it! You know how? Quit interjecting yourself in other people's drama. For example, the MIL has a jerk boyfriend. That's not your problem---don't talk about it, don't think about it. When drama people find you, just keep your boundaries and remind yourself that you don't need to join them on their drama roller coaster.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick View Post
Despite of going through such a financial mess right now, this is the happiest I have ever been. Makes no sense, does it? But I guess it doesn't have to.
It makes perfect sense! Babies are joyous!

Honestly, babies don't need much more than lots of love. (Yep, they don't need all that baby furniture and all those baby gadgets!) I did it all by myself for three years. All by myself. I lost my job while I was pregnant with my second child. Nobody would hire me because I was pregnant. I had to work as a temp. I paid high COBRA medical insurance payments so my pregnancy and delivery were covered. I was moving place to place to hide from the abusive father. I couldn't work for 6 weeks after my delivery---without paid maternity leave. Guess what? I managed to provide the necessities for myself and my children. I kept a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. My point is----if I could do it by myself, you and your boyfriend can do it!
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Old 05-15-2011, 09:30 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,839,661 times
Reputation: 30715
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
There was more to it than just that. I was at a get together one time and and a mutual friend who arrived just found out he was being laid off and had just bought a house.

This "friend" said "oh good gives you two something to whine about" in front of a room full of people.

Another time they inquired how I was paying my bills( I had been laid off about 6 months and this was back when you got 26 weeks of UE benefits not 99).

Mind you they weren't offering any help, just being nosy. I said I have savings and if push comes to shove I have family who can help. To which they replied "how old are we?".

It had nothing to with being jealous, there are people who aren't nice and enjoy others misfortunes.

They're toxic and you don't always see it until you're in a bind. That is why I ended the "friendship", it had nothing to with being jealous.
Yikes! That's where the saying "with friends like that, who needs enemies" comes from!
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:44 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick View Post
He said he wanted to have coffee with her and talk about family related things...
And she chose to bring her SO who is now part of her family. Where's the problem?

How would you feel if she asked to meet with your boyfriend "to discuss family realted things" and told him to leave you home? Her boyfriend is as much "family" as you are.
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:45 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick View Post
My boyfriend's dad said he wanted to spend a day with his son alone (without me) and I didn't take offense in that at all.

Why would I?

It is difficult to explain why there is so much animosity towards her boyfriend without sounding like I am being completely biased. We don't like him. Period. I don't like him because he has no respect for my boyfriend, he is living with my bf's mom, he is married to his wife and has been for 10 years and won't get a divorce, and he is also engaged to a 3rd woman in Florida, he has put my boyfriend's mom against her siblings, he brainwashes her and she is too blind to see. We sublet his apartment for a while, he was responsible for half the rent because he still used the apartment, but he didn't pay his share and we almost got evicted. I am the one who does the finances and everything is always taken care of but he made it look like it was all our fault and she bought it...even though the landlord only took him to court for unpaid rent after finding out he was pocketing the money we were giving him for the rent. (I kept all copies of the money orders we bought ). Our utilities got shut off because he also pocketed the money we gave him to pay for it. After that we learned our lesson but then ended up moving out because the guy who owned the house put it on the market.

He is too shady and we kind of worry about her but we can't say anything because then she will never talk to us again.

Then we found out he has 2 felonies on his record, did jail time and does some shady business on the side. My boyfriend and his brother worry about his mom but what are they supposed to do? It's her life right? Better stay out of it...?
But SHE wasn't spending the day alone with her son, was she? Weren't you there? If her son can bring his girlfriend, why can't she bring her boyfriend? And even if she was meeting her son alone, is there some reason her she can't bring her boyfriend if she wants to? Perhaps she wants her son to know him? I think you're just looking for drama. Let it go. Your baby doesn't need drama.
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:50 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
I understand he is an idiot. I'm just pointing out why she brought him along. I have girlfriends who bring their boyfriends and spouses to everything. It's very annoying. But that's what they want to do. It's not really my place to tell them that they can't bring their SO to breakfast, shopping, etc.

You've got a mess on your hands. From what you've posted, your life hasn't been drama free. And you were in financial trouble long before your boyfriend lost his job. It truly sounds like you have been surrounded by drama long before you met your boyfriend, maybe your entire life. For your sanity and the sake of your new baby, it's time you learned how to mellow out and not allow yourself to be drawn into drama.

Just focus on your baby, your family, your finances. Let everything else fall to the sidelines. It's time to learn how to stop riding the drama roller coaster.
She does seem to attract drama. I'm thinking she needs to figure out why that's the case. Some people aren't happy unless they have drama and, unwittingly, set themselves up for more drama....like having a baby out of wedlock....with a guy they've been dating for about a year....whose mother is hands off (which really shouldn't be an issue as she has no obligation to them or the baby).

Seriously, I think the OP is making way too much of this. This is her baby not her boyfriend's mother's baby. Who knows and who cares what her boyfriend's mother's motives are as long as they aren't harming them? The OP needs to live her life and not worry about how others live theirs. Like it or not, she is now tied to this woman and her son for the next couple of decades and she needs to make the best of it. It won't be easy but it sounds like she's going to get to do all the work to make sure her daughter knows at least one grandmother but you do what you have to.
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:57 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I agree that she has bigger things to worry about. But she's 9 months pregnant, and we all get a bit wacky at that point.

You keep pushing that it's not the ideal situation. Life is sometimes not ideal. To not be warm and fuzzy about the birth of your grandchild because their ducks are not in a straight enough row would be the future grandparent's loss.

She doesn't sound like she's planning on dumping anything onto grandma to be's lap. I think grandma might be a tad self absorbed. Whatever it is, the OP needs to surround herself with positives, not stress.
I am pushing some reasons why his mother might be keeping her distance. Perhaps she wants proof the baby really is her son's. Maybe we'll be seeing this family on Maury. There are so many reasons why a the mother of a man whose, non long time, girlfriend is pregnant might be stand-offish (Dating less than a year and having a baby doesn't speak to making really good decisions). They range from feeling that she's somehow trapped her son to the simple fact that she's the mother of the father of the baby. It's not like she had a close relationship with the baby's mother before she got pregnant. When your kid knocks up his girlfriend whom he hasn't even been dating for a year, you have to wonder what irresponsible thing will come next.

I would be, and was, apprehensive when my son (step) found himself in this situation. If he'd doubled up birth control, I'm sure I'd have a different daughter in law. They are both to blame for her getting pregnant but this speaks of two people who either don't know the score or don't care. Take your pick. Either one is scary.
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:41 AM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,238,496 times
Reputation: 16665
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Then you need to wait to have kids.
Nooooo! REALLY?! What a novel concept!

Life happens and things happen. The baby is almost here. Nothing is going to change that fact. Let's move on, shall we?
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:42 AM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,238,496 times
Reputation: 16665
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Or maybe she's saving it for herself. After all, it is HER money and she doesn't owe it to either of them or the baby. Maybe she feels others have already done enough and there is no need for her to do anything. Who knows. It's her choice what she does with her money and no one should be judging her for it.
Of course she doesn't owe it to anyone else.

But like I said, her choosing not to help really tells me what type of a person she is.
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:43 AM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,238,496 times
Reputation: 16665
Quote:
Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick View Post
They didn't...but why the constant bragging?
Because she is a self centered person. She lacks self esteem in important areas like character, ethics and empathy so she must make up for it another way. Her way is materialism and boasting.

Stay away from this woman. You'll only be hurting yourself and your child. Trust me.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:16 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,704,143 times
Reputation: 19540
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler;19168879[B
]I am pushing some reasons why his mother might be keeping her distance. Perhaps she wants proof the baby really is her son's.[/b] Maybe we'll be seeing this family on Maury. There are so many reasons why a the mother of a man whose, non long time, girlfriend is pregnant might be stand-offish (Dating less than a year and having a baby doesn't speak to making really good decisions). They range from feeling that she's somehow trapped her son to the simple fact that she's the mother of the father of the baby. It's not like she had a close relationship with the baby's mother before she got pregnant. When your kid knocks up his girlfriend whom he hasn't even been dating for a year, you have to wonder what irresponsible thing will come next.

I would be, and was, apprehensive when my son (step) found himself in this situation. If he'd doubled up birth control, I'm sure I'd have a different daughter in law. They are both to blame for her getting pregnant but this speaks of two people who either don't know the score or don't care. Take your pick. Either one is scary.
KAAC...See the underlined... No one, and I mean, NO one is saying that they think they baby might not be your boyfriend's, but you have got to understand that that is something that happens ALL the time. There are so many reasons why this woman could be holding back. Maybe when she first heard about your pregnancy, she WAS excited at the concept of being a grandma, you know, in love with the concept (romanticized it).

Perhaps as time went on, her son lost his job, perhaps, just perhaps, she started thinking of how she might be expected to take care of you all. If this boyfriend she's got is anything like you say he is, he's probably a flat-out con artist who's filtering as much away from her as he possibly can! He's probably been systematically alienating her from her family in order to make her more vulnerable and controllable! That's what those people do. You being pregnant with her (supposed) grandchild, means he's got to work harder, although I'm sure he's already got her convinced the child isn't her son's! Again..it's what some people do!

Crap, before you know it, you and your boyfriend will probably be consoling her...LOL She probably has deluded herself into thinking that, since he's with HER, she WINS...after all, he's chosen to live with HER instead of his wife (who he CAN'T divorce or he loses everything...or she WON'T sign divorce papers!), and has chosen HER over the fiance in FL (who he just can't break it off with or she'll do herself in! ), and he's probably just playing her to get whatever materialistic BS he can get from her! She's likely a pawn in his scheming game.

Either way...there are 3 people in your world you need to be focused on...your baby, you and your boyfriend! Anything else that's going on around you honey, is plain ole simple life dramas. Look, take it from someone who didn't have a "lovey dovey mother OR mil", NONE of those things matter. What matters is that you two work your butts off to give your child the most loving and stable home that you can. What matters is that you two break the chain of dysfunction that you both came from. Don't do it with animosity or a sense of smugness. Do it because it's the right thing to do! Look at these people's lives and LEARN from their mistakes. Use those mistakes to help you be the best parents and PEOPLE that you can be.

If your boyfriend keeps looking and really wants a job, he's going to find some work....even if it's temporary jobs...that's IF he really wants to work and doesn't give a damn what it is he's doing. He just needs to get something until something better comes along. YOU need to make sure that you do everything you can to make sure he feels GOOD about whatever job he finds. Times ARE tough, but you CAN make it. Tough finanical times, especially when you're starting out, can really create tough bonds and contentment later. It's these challenges that help us to appreciate the good and "more stable" times later!

Again, you two have damn near enough going on in your OWN lives, to be worrying about what mil has done or WILL do, once that baby gets here. You're both survivors....and SOLDIERS. You're tough, resilient, and determined. Do NOT forget that, okay!? All of your attention needs to be on the here and now and on bringing that little girl into the world safely, and keeping your health up as much as possible. With your fears about her health, perhaps you are trying to create a distraction (your mil?) to distract yourself from what's REALLY bothering you? Well, don't. Everything will probably be just fine...daddy will find a job, and you'll work hard to give your little girl a fabulous home, partially because you both know what it's like to have come from crappy parents, eh? ((((HUGS)))) Hang in there darlin...and get rest when you can. Lord knows, you're gonna need it later.
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