Did I over react with my son? (legally, insurance, natural)

[beachmel]

You know, on consideration...if my child did this....they would have their driving privileges revoked until they were 18. At that time, they would be required to pay their own insurance. Seriously...this IS car theft, right? Your child wanted to go to a PARTY on a Sunday night...you said no, he did it anyway. To make things worse, there seemed to be no remorse, rather anger and fury at you when he got busted.

[beachmel]

Originally Posted by Magritte25

He certainly would have been a lot worse off had he been arrested for DUI or wrapped the car around a pole.

Exactly! Hey, after that mishap, maybe he won't do anything like that again.....all on his own, or maybe he will!

[JennyMominRI]

How he can do his homework without a computer and how can he call her without a cell phone? Well, back in what must have been the stone age, AKA my teen years also know as the 80s, I somehow managed to do my homework with these handy dandy things we called a pen and paper. I have heard that if you really need a computer there are these places called Libraries, that have them.
And I'm sure some will be shocked to know that back then we didn't have cell phones, but we had regular ones. I mean , yes, you did have to press numbers and sometimes you actually had to turn a rotary dial. You may have even had to walk a short distance to reach one.. I know it was strenuous work, but we managed.

[beachmel]

Originally Posted by Magritte25

He certainly would have been a lot worse off had he been arrested for DUI or wrapped the car around a pole.

Exactly....I'd much rather come down hard on my child, than have to explain to him, while he's paralyzed and in traction (or in court for vehicular manslaughter), that I didn't take away his driving privileges because I didn't want him to be mad at me.

[Mattie]

Parents are entitled to overreact at 2:00 am when a kid who shouldn't be out in the first place return home with a damaged car and alcohol on their breath. That's the chance a kid takes when willfully disobeying. I don't, however, think the OP did overreact in this case.

And, good kids Do do stupid things. I have three of my own, who have made us proud in many, many ways, but they all have a black mark somewhere along the line. Come to think of it, so did I as a teen. Once was enough, for me and my kids too. I'm sure the OP's son will learn a necessary lesson from this experience, and that's what growing up entails.

[maciesmom]

Of course good kids can do stupid things - but....the combination of things, along with the reaction given and seeming lack of remorse, seems extreme in the "good kids do stupid things" continuum.....

[NY Annie]

Some really excellent advice and support for you, OP. But the one I most agree with is relativity. He may have - you don't know yet - damaged someone else's property or even hit another vehicle - how DID your car get damaged? Are we talking about hit and run? This is something you absolutely must talk with him about ASAP. If it's hit and run - IF he can remember - the police will eventually show up at your doorstep. It happened with my little brother and luckily for him, the detective involved was my then future father-in-law.

Your son committed several crimes: grand theft auto; hit-and-run; DWI; underage drinking. Do you know that the bac for minors is generally less than half the bac for adults? Look it up - (your state name) bac minors.

I definitely roll with the no vehicle, responsibility for paying for the damages - he can get a summer job - mow lawns, volunteer at a VA hospital, etc.

I would have been much harsher. Although I do agree that, if he comes out of punishment before he finishes high school, giving him some modified freedom to attend gatherings even on a Sunday night would be ok. However, I would make it very clear to him that any drinking/smoking weed/drug use on his part or anyone else at any party is cause for him to GET OUT now. His choice in friends is in need of some assistance.

Originally Posted by maciesmom

Let's see.....he lied, convinced someone else to lie on his behalf, took and damaged your car without permission, and apparently did some underaged drinking then got in a car and drove? Any idea if he damaged anyone or anything else? That doesn't even take into account his disrespect to you. And you are worried you over reacted??

Originally Posted by FinsterRufus

Umm, he stole your car and wrecked it, drove it after he'd been drinking, and drug your younger son into a lie.

He's lucky he's not in jail.

You didn't overreact, and the first thing he should do when he does get a job, is to pay you back for the car damage, plus interest. I'd say he got heated withs you because he knows he's in the wrong and is embarrassed.

Stick to your guns, Mom.

Originally Posted by maciesmom

I agree that he should have to pay for damage to your car....whether that is ajob or extra chores to work off the amount. And if it were me there would be some kind of consequence related to drinking and driving....

Originally Posted by ck96

I agree with what you said about the punishment fitting the crime, but what do you think I should do? I need him to have his car to drive him and his siblings to school and do errands for me. He is very helpful in that way. He knows that he can call me at any time and he told me that before the fight got big.

About parties on school nights, I allow him to go sometimes but he had already gone to one on saturday night and really needed to study for a history test. Also, I know this kid who was hosting the party and they last party he threw the cops showed up (luckily my son was no at that one). Do you still think I was too harsh? It's hard raising a teenager!!!!

Originally Posted by Momma_bear

I do not think that you over reacted. But I do think that the punishment should somehow be linked to his transgressions. It's not really a matter of harsh or not harsh. Consequences should be related to what it is that he did.

Since he took your car without permission I would not let him drive. If that means you have to take the other kids to school, then that's what has to happen. How did they all get to school before your oldest had a drivers license? I love that my oldest takes his brothers to school, but if I have to do it then I'll do it.In addition I would have him change the oil in the car, wash/wax, and otherwise take care of the car he cannot drive for a while.

For sneaking out I would take the door off of his bedroom. If you can't trust him, then he is not deserving of privacy.

Since he damaged your car and it will cost money to fix the car I would get an estimate of the damage and make him work off his debt. You can "pay" him for his work at a rate of $8-9 per hour. I am sure there are tons of things that need to be done around your house that a teenage boy can do (weeding, mowing, painting, cleaning, etc....). Once his debt is paid off he can be permitted to drive.
As far as allowing him to go out on a school night, I think that you need to re-think your position. If he is good at managing his time and maintains good grades you might consider letting him go out on school nights as long as he is home at a reasonable time. If his grades are poor then I would consider restrictions. But if he is able to study when he needs to do so then perhaps you could let him try to make his own decisions about when to go out.

Originally Posted by NJGOAT

I may be a little late to the fun, but I'll add in my opinion.

First off, I won't critique the OP's use of "good kid", as others have said, even good kids do dumb things and break the rules on occasion. I'll take the OP's opinion that her son is a good kid despite his recent actions which seem to be out of character.

As for the situation...

This is a really tough one. I find myself breaking it down mentally into two levels of offenses:

1. Sneaking out to go to a party he was told he couldn't attend, getting his younger brother to lie for him, drinking and getting into a heated argument with you. If this was all that happened, I think your response was appropriate. Obviously this isn't a weird thing for a teen to try to pull. Certainly punishable, but not end of the world bad. I think your punishment fits these crimes, but might be a little excessive if this was it.

2. Stealing your car (that is basically what it was), damaging the car and drinking and driving. These are all WAY over the top offenses to me. The problem I find is how to punish him for this and actually get something out of it. His actions were so over the top and reckless that a simple grounding really won't have much impact.

You need to find a way to get him to realize how serious the ramifications of his actions could have been. Instead of facing a grounding, he could be facing serious legal consequences. I think my gut instinct with this would be to take away his car and his license until he turns 18 and can afford to pay for his own insurance policy.

I think if it was me, I wouldn't even necessarily ground him for the other BS, but I would just simply take away the car and license and clip his wings. He would also be responsible for working off the damage he caused to your car. If this makes your life complicated, so be it, he needs to learn his lesson now the hard way.

When he turns 18 he would be responsible for getting and paying for his own insurance. I can't think of another way to make him understand that his actions could have resulted in financial ruin for your entire family. If he had gotten into an accident and hurt someone, they could take just about every asset you own in a judgement. If he is to focused on having fun to realize that, then he doesn't deserve the priviledge of driving.

Originally Posted by beachmel

Exactly....I'd much rather come down hard on my child, than have to explain to him, while he's paralyzed and in traction (or in court for vehicular manslaughter), that I didn't take away his driving privileges because I didn't want him to be mad at me.

[Katarina Witt]

As far as the computer, just like the car, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. He could have the computer for an hour a day, say, for homework. If he can actually prove he needs it longer for HW, let him have it longer. You can still nix it for recreation.

[Hopes]

I don't see how the computer is relevant to the crime.though.

[Katarina Witt]

Originally Posted by Hopes

I don't see how the computer is relevant to the crime.though.

It's punishment. Taking away priviledges. Just like if you get arrested, you lose a few priviledges. I know someone who can't leave the state b/c of a medical maijuana violation. It is as easy (probably easier) to smoke marijuana here as in Utah, but he broke the law, so no can go there (or anywhere else).