Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Over a year ago I created a thread asking questions about foster parenting. My wife and I were thinking of fostering since we had an extra bedroom, and there is a dire need for foster parents. Well we have just concluded our first year as foster parents.
I have to admit, having and raising children of our own, we thought we knew everything there was to being a parent. But this past year we learned what it is like to be foster parents. There are so much more to deal with in fostering.
We’re fostering a 16 year old male. Trust was a big issue, not only for us trusting him, but him trusting us.
I wanted to do this to help out a child and try to give him a “normal” lifestyle. But what is normal to us, may not be normal to him. So what is normal? It has not been easy, we have had our moments of both good and bad. We’ve had issues with lying, stealing and cheating. When he comes home with a new hat or shirt and he says he got it from a friend, you can easily come to your own conclusions. He is no longer allowed to bring home “gifts” he received from his friends.
I learned that I can’t take some of the bad things personally, we try to make him learn and hope he doesn’t do it again, but at the same time half expect him to.
I don’t know why I am writing this thread other then to say, fostering is not for everyone. There are so many things I found out that I didn’t know before. For instance the agency telling you one thing while you are taking the classes to be certified, then once the child moves in, their tone changes and they tell you more of the reality of it all, like... don’t leave valuables out, or your purse or wallet unattended.
I am still committed to helping this teenage boy out, but after over a year, I still don’t trust him alone in my house.
I commend you for putting yourselves out there like that. I hope the relationship gets better. The first year of any live-in type of arrangement is usually the hardest. Maybe things will get better?
My husband and I want to foster as well but not until our own children are grown and out of the house.
You wrote a truthful and honest post. Maybe the first year is the hardest and the next couple of years will turn for him and both sides will start trusting the other. When he's 18 y.o., you might have a totally different relationship then now. Hard to say but hopefully for his sake, I hope he turns himself around and appreciates and loves both you and your wife.
good for you. you are making more of a difference than you know.
We trained for fostering but it didn't take me long to realize I just couldn't do it. We were trying to adopt and thought that would be the way but we realized adopting from fostering was a long shot. We did adopt- two more times- but it had nothing to do with fostering.
Thanks for sharing your experiences and thanks for being there for this boy. It doesn't sound like a story book or Disney movie, but it is most likely a better situation that he could find elsewhere. Parenting teenagers is not for weenies. I hope that your stable home gives him a taste of what life can bring if he is able to establish a genuine relationship.
The fruits of your labor may not be evident for years to come, but you have made a difference.
Thanks for doing this. Even the young ones are like that...they learn quickly how to manipulate everyone and everything. Lying has been a way of life for him, so he does not know the difference. Maybe get a younger one if you do this again...I wanted to do it, but can't as a single person...I know the rules state that "I can", but rather, I choose not to as a single.
As I think about what we are going through with fostering, in the minds of my wife and I, we feel like we are helping a young teenage boy out, trying to provide him with a safe and stable home environment.
One of our issues is expecting to get a feeling of appreciation from our foster child for everything we do for him, places we take him, things we get for him. We just don’t get that feeling of appreciation, we feel like he feels we owe it to him. Perhaps that is our problem, and not our foster child’s.
The first day he was to arrive, I remember saying, we want to make him feel as comfortable as possible as quick as possible. Well less then an hour after first meeting him, and after his social worker left, he already had his feet over the arm rest on our couch, and was in our refrigerator making himself something to eat. I was taken back as to how quick he made himself at home. Then I realized, it wasn’t about him getting use to us in our home, it was about us getting use to him. He had been there and done that before with other foster families, where we hadn’t.
I don’t want to make this seem like all negative, on the positive side, he has improved his cumulative GPA to over 3.0. We have changed his habits to include doing his homework every night as soon as he gets home without being told. We are talking about him possibly going to college, in fact if he doesn’t I will able disappointed.
One of our issues is expecting to get a feeling of appreciation from our foster child for everything we do for him, places we take him, things we get for him. We just don’t get that feeling of appreciation, we feel like he feels we owe it to him. Perhaps that is our problem, and not our foster child’s.
I have a couple of thoughts on this. And I'm not judging. Just tossing out food for thought.
First. He's a child. Shouldn't children expect to be treated like someone's child, not like someone is doing them a favor? Did our own children appreciate places we took them and things we gave them? I'd be surprised if yours did. Why? Because they were your children. Children don't gush over everything their parents do for them. Is it right to expect more from a foster child? If you want to feel emotionally fulllfilled by what you're doing, you need to find that within yourself. You're not going to get it from him.
Second. He has been in the system for a long time. He knows you get paid money to take care of him. He might truly feel that you owe it to him. Of course, you're spending more than you get for him, but he can't possibly know that because he's a child, nor should he know that. Imagine how aweful it would be to hear people constantly telling you that you should be grateful for what they are doing for your miserable life.
I think it's great you are fostering. Thank you for doing this for him.
Hopes, I couldn’t agree with you more. That is why I wrote perhaps it was our problem and not that of our foster child’s. With our own children it was our great satisfaction to provide for them. We didn’t expected them to show appreciation, it was what parents do for their children. And you‘re right, foster children should not have to be any different.
Yes he knows we get money, and he knows the amount, he’s known it since before we got him. But you are right, I can assure you, what we get does not cover what we pay out. And we do our best not to bring up money in any conversations with him.
Last edited by Just One of the Guys; 05-23-2011 at 12:18 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
