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I would have a lot more issue with the drug use than others I guess. She's living in a house you provide, driving cars you provide but she's got money laying around to spend on drugs and partying?
That would enrage me, she's doing nothing useful with her life and it's time for her to have some tough love.
I'd say no to letting the girlfriend move in, she sounds no better than the stepdaughter and you'd end up with two drug using grown women who do nothing for themselves but lay around in a home you provide them.
I'd also help the father get at least joint custody for the sake of the children. It's time for their mother to grow up and it's time for her to leave home but you could say the grandchildren and the husband can stay. I would take a tough love approach and tell her that since the husband is employed and paying rent, he and the kids can stay, she's free to move on and do something for her life.
Actually I don't think we should make the higher education a condition, instead maybe we should offer to pay for the classes if she does all the rest and maintains a C or higher.
I'll have to talk to hubby about that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by addicted2helping
She already said her intentions were to continue her education and get a job, of course she told us she was going to get her GED two years ago via free classes at the community college, but she quit going and she claims the only subject she can't pass is algebra. I told her I could help her with the algebra, and I even have a whiz friend who teaches college aged kids who offered to help her. (this algebra and help issue/offer stemmed from our recent conversation).
She has worked in the past, a shift manager in fast food. While she stinks at making good life choices, she's not dumb, I believe she could do quite well at anything she sets her mind to, the problem is where her head is and what her goals are.
And just to clarify the support thing, while we do help her in substantial ways monetarily, we don't give everything to her. She will have to continue paying rent (it is deeply discounted) and pay her utilities. We pay for her to fill her car once a week, that might continue, and she is also on our family phone plan. She offered to mow our yard and clean my car which her husband does now, and maybe I am just a fool, but I don't see helping her in these ways as totally giving her everything. We expect things in return for helping.
So we can just roll these other things into that list...
And use deadlines too, can't recall who suggested that, but it is a great idea.
- stay drug free (follow the law)
- get tutoring for algebra, line up a schedule with firm dates for June & July
- take and pass GED by August
- find a part-time job by August
- enroll in a few higher education classes, hopefully also by Fall semester, but no later than spring semester.
Just thinking out loud......
If it were me, this is the approach I would take. Obviously you don't feel that she is a failed cause. Pulling the rug out from under her to teach her a lesson may simply push her further down the wrong path. However, you need to be willing to do that if she fails to live up to expectations. Giving her firm goals to reach removes the element of you simply unilaterally cutting her off. If she knows that the help will go away unless she lives up to your expectations, than it is all up to her. If she fails, you're simply following through on an agreement/contract and not making a rash decision.
The SD does not know we know about the pot, and in fact has called her husband begging him not to tell us. He is going to try to use it as blackmail to get her to agree to marriage counseling.....
We shall see how that goes, I know if he gets her to agree to marriage counseling one of his conditions will be to put some space between them and the druggie friends and to quit smoking pot.
I have been texting her today, urging her to consider marriage counseling, but she has been very negative to the idea.
I keep telling her not to be so quick to throw her family away, she keeps saying they will all be better off without the tension, and my answer to her was that marriage counseling might teach them how to communicate without the tension and arguing.
I told her at the very least, she could postpone the separation a few months, go to marriage counseling and at least get a job during that time and perhaps it might also save her marriage, otherwise she's just losing a few months of her time, she's already put in five years, what's another two or three?
I would have a lot more issue with the drug use than others I guess. She's living in a house you provide, driving cars you provide but she's got money laying around to spend on drugs and partying?
That would enrage me, she's doing nothing useful with her life and it's time for her to have some tough love.
I'd say no to letting the girlfriend move in, she sounds no better than the stepdaughter and you'd end up with two drug using grown women who do nothing for themselves but lay around in a home you provide them.
I'd also help the father get at least joint custody for the sake of the children. It's time for their mother to grow up and it's time for her to leave home but you could say the grandchildren and the husband can stay. I would take a tough love approach and tell her that since the husband is employed and paying rent, he and the kids can stay, she's free to move on and do something for her life.
We are very close to this scenario I think, having spoken at length with the son in law today. My SD mentioned to both he and I that perhaps she should be the one moving out. I am not sure if she is calling our bluff but I told the hubby I would support him in this, as long as she is not allowed to bring any of her druggie friends over and/or take the kids over.
As of this moment, the SD has no idea that I know about the pot, even though I kept insinuating via text messaging that I thought her story lacked substance and what wasn't she telling me? She thinks I am in the dark.....I am on pins and needles wondering how the talk with her husband will go tonight.
My SD called me immediately after her discussion with her hubby to say that while it started out ok, they ended up yelling and saying hateful things. She also said that she wanted to talk to me, but she was afraid that I would think less of her and that was what was stopping her. She mentioned that she was finding a place to stay and her hubby and the boys were staying in the house.
The hubby called me too and went on in detail about their discussion and issues, but basically said the same thing.
I also spoke with my SD's bio mom, and my own husband. He feels like right now his daughter is a lost cause. She has had plenty of opportunity to get her GED, to be mature and spend her time more wisely. He says as much as he dislikes his son in law, right now he actually seems like the better choice to support if our main concern is our grandsons, which it is.
At some point I need to have a discussion with my SD about her alleged drug use and her friends, and her choices. She is still under the impression that we don't know and last night told her hubby that it would ruin our relationship if we knew and she would never forgive him if he told us. Sounds like she has already crossed that path, apparently last night she blamed him for everything, taking no ownership for any of her actions.
Ironically, when I spoke to the bio mom, she too placed all the blame with her son in law. The apples does not fall far from the tree.
All my ideas earlier are out the window now. There is no reason to negotiate anything with my SD if she is no longer the one living in the house we rent to them.
Also, apparently yesterday she went to a job application and must have found out that people nowadays require drug screening, because her hubby said she told him she was going to have to quit, she was going to sell her bowls and pipes.
Bowls and pipes? Are those pot accessories or crack accessories? I still am feeling like there is more to this story....
Yes, I would definitely put the kids first, they need a home more than ever so you might as well support the father for now, and she may be a lost cause for now - but not necessarily for ever. It's possible that moving out will help her grow up but she may have a serious drug problem from the sounds of it.
Deep down she may realize that she's not in a position to be a parent right now and at least she left and left the kids with their father who sounds a bit more responsible. I know of a couple who helped their son-in-law get sole custody from their daughter because of similar issues, her drug problem became serious - to the point she called for help from inside jail in some other state, she had become friends with some drug runners, claimed she didn't know they were running drugs.
If the grandkids are a priority, then help the parent who will be on his own with them, and at least help them get through some of this, but she may come to her senses at some later time. You don't have to write her off completely but if she's got money for drugs, she doesn't need your financial help.
I know of another family where the parents married very young, she was the one who got very flakey, he ended up with the kids and settled down. He remarried and he and his wife raised the kids, both kids turned out very successful, they have good careers and are married. Their mother stayed in the picture, her life was nothing but a constant soap opera, she went from man to man, multiple marriages, many affairs, but she did love her kids. She would call them, pick them up and take them for ice cream or a movie, is still emotionally close to them, she admits that her ex and his wife provided them a stable and good home, she was the friend to them. They love her as their flakey but good hearted mom.
The parent with the children needs plenty of support and help. The kids need stability.
I have asked my stepdaughter to come talk to me today. I blew a gasket earlier today dealing with my younger kids and realized that I can't pretend anymore, it's making me super cranky and stressed.
I'm going to let the SD know that I suspected drug use and her husband confirmed it and my first priority for her now is to get clean and get help.
I warned her husband that I was going to bring it out in the open, so at least he is prepared for the fall-out.
I think she needs some space and time. Hopefully the space and time will help her get her head on straight. I will express my concern that I do not think continuing her friendship with this crowd is a good choice.
We will see how it plays out and I will check back in with an update.
I appreciate everyone's input so far, and it has helped me to toss ideas around.
The parent with the children needs plenty of support and help. The kids need stability.
I told my son in law today that we would try to work something out like a scheduled afternoon/evening with the grandkids every week. I just have to check with my husband first, but I don't see that being a problem.
My sister in law also offered the same thing, so we now know that for at least two nights a week, he can count on help, and he is also considering asking his younger brother to come live with him and help out.
So for the moment we are all trying to make some plans to benefit my grandsons.
I think at this point supporting the one who has a chance to do right by the kids is the correct choice. Let the step daughter go and make the mistakes she needs to make. It seems like this is what she wants to do on her own terms, so it's not like you are forcing it.
As for "bowls and pipes" they can be used for a lot of things, but in general would refer to something used to smoke pot and not something more serious.
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