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What I would help him understand is that dad and his girlfriend are essentially a package deal and this is dad's choice. Chances are no one is ever going to "solve" the problem for him as despite all efforts and intentions, people tend not to change unless compelled to do so and even then, it tends to only be on the surface.
The way I see it he has two choices:
1. Accept the girlfriend for who she is and what she does in order to have a relationship with dad.
2. Call dad out on it. Write him a letter explaining that he cannot continue to subject himself to her treatment. Explain that he really loves dad and wants a relationship with him, but cannot stand the way she treats him. Say that if her behavior is not controlled than either dad and son will have their own separate visits together, ......father nothing will change. He also needs to be prepared for the rejection of his father choosing the girlfriend over him. Neither is ideal, but it may be reality. If he values his father over his own self respect, than there isn't anything you can do.
I thought NJgoats advice was spot on. I would only add (after going back and reading more of the posts) that perhaps your son and ex are much alike in that they avoid confrontation. Your ex doesn't want to confront his GF and your son doesn't want to confront Either of them.
also perhaps your son is afraid that if he puts his dad to the test, his dad will continue to disappoint him, and that is something he doesn't want to face. Your son would rather put up with the situation and complain to you then to confront it.
I am the same way, but you should probably point this out to your son, so that he has some clarity and can ponder it. Tell him that he is old enough to start working on and solving his own problems, and it is up to him to decide if it's worth it confront it.....
I wish I had learned at an earlier age how to be more confrontational, simply because there are some situations that require a backbone. Diplomacy is a great tool and character trait, but so is knowing when to stand up for yourself or something you really believe in.
Here is a recent example - they served my son some fresh strawberries, and he ate them. They did not stem the strawberries before serving them, so he ate them down to the base, leaving a little rim of fruit attached to the green stems. When she discovered this 'egregious' behavior, she scolded him for being wasteful, didn't he ever learn how to eat a strawberry without leaving some of the fruit behind? Seriously, she is that petty. My son is a guest in her house, he is only there for a day or two. I cannot imagine myself chewing out a house guest over something like this, let alone the son of someone I am having a relationship with.
Additionally, she has told my son that he is "making up" his learning disability, because she personally doesn't believe in such things. The fact that the school as well as a psychologist and psychiatrist have each independently arrived at the same specific LD, she knows better. As I stated in the OP, she is a know-it-all extraordinaire.
I've tried to encourage my son to determine if it is worth it to him to keep subjecting himself to this, he and I have had many hours of conversations on this subject. He'll come home, and want to vent/decompress almost immediately. I listen patiently, and offer some ideas on how to handle/what to say if similar situations arise in the future. I don't denigrate the ex or even the gf, my son does enough for the both of us. He knows his dad isn't cutting the mustard - but, he feels that his dad "deserves" to have a relationship with him, so he continues the visits. I've suggested that he only get together with him for actual one-on-one "dates" where he can spend a little time with his dad's undivided attention, instead of a weekend full of the gf browbeating him. My son feels that he is on shaky legs since he sees his father so little, he doesn't want him to feel upset. What can I say, my son is very compassionate despite the lacklustre job his dad is doing. Spending time at his dad's is most definitely my son's choice and he knows he can "cancel at any time".
I do like a lot of the ideas voiced in the thread so far - maybe these further details have provided some more insight for further suggestions. Thanks to everyone and reps going for everyone who posted!
As far as not denigrating her - that sounds like the right thing to do but in reality it can be better to release emotions rather than suppress them. If it were my kid, I'd go along with any "pet" names he might have for her. Let him express how he really feels. Mocking can be cathartic. It doesn't have to be super-vicious, but some way for him to "get even" - refer to her as "Strawberry" for example from now on. Humor and laughter can achieve a lot.
He needs to learn to fight fire with fire. If she tells him something like he's faking a disability, he could learn to give her a cold stare until she backs down. He wouldn't have to say a thing back, just give her a cold withering stare, if he needs to say anything he could tell her if he valued her opinion, what she says might mean something but he doesn't.
Really she's being a bully - and getting hurt by what a bully says to you doesn't solve bullying. Since she's a verbal bully, she could probably be subdued verbally or by a stone cold expressionless stare.
Since your son wants the relationship with his dad, I'd back him up on that 100% and encourage him not to let her win. You're in his corner 100% - that will empower him.
That's right, I said it. NOT family, NOT relevant. They aren't married, therefore she's NOT his stepmother. She's his father's girlfriend, meaning she could be gone by tomorrow. There's no MOTHER or FATHER in the title of GIRLFRIEND unless I'm missing something. And yes, many stepmothers ARE wonderful, loving people, but we're not talking about any and all stepmothers, are we? The OP posted HER particular situation and that is what I was commenting on.
Even a girlfriend could be a wonderful, loving influence on this young man's life, but THIS girlfriend is not. She nitpicks and verbally harasses him to the point of depression. So since she is NOT married to his father, i.e NOT family, there's no need for him to have to put up with her behavior.
One does not have to have a marriage certificate to be a family. Plenty of people never marry and raise children together and they are FAMILY.
And yes, he does have to put up with her behavior until he is 18 or the mother can be held in contempt of court. Have you worked or volunteered in the family court system? Many parents nitpick, verbally harass to the point of depression and much more, they are still the parents via DNA are they not? This woman is family. An abusive harpy of a family member but she is family. And she is relevant or she would not be causing problems in the family.
OP, I would suggest counseling for your son. We can not change anyone else, only ourselves. Counseling would give him wonderful tools for deflecting the situation and if the relationship proves too toxic in the long run, it can help him "divorce" from the situation in the long run.
I do not agree with fighting fire with fire, it just results in more fire. Kind of like the expression, "The lesser of two evils" well, it is still evil isn't it? Luckily he has a short amount of time before he has the choice not to see his father and his father's significant other.
Dealing with girlfriends/boyfriends of parents...exctly what I do not miss from my own childhood with divorced parents, and another reason I'm glad my kids have what I didn't...a 2-parent household. Too many people having kids and then throwing in the towel on their marriages. And even if a divorce is necessary, think of your kids before you start parading an endless line of live-in girlfriends and boyfriends around them. Divorced parents need to understand that their kids are supposed to be their #1 priority....not their love lives.
Tell your son that he needs to plainly and simply tell the gf to f*** herself. He's almost an adult; he needs to be empowered in dealing with abusive people.
Actually, in our state (CA) I believe it is at the age of 14 that a child can decide if they wish to continue to see the non-custodial parent. My son goes because he wishes to do so. I don't tell him what he should do, we just discuss the choices and details. The poster who stated that he's afraid to set his father up for being even more of a disappointment than he has already shown himself to be I think really nailed it.
We talked with my son last night and I shared some of the thoughts and suggestions posted in the thread. It helped him pinpoint what it was about her that bothered him so - it is her passive-aggressive method of nitpicking him that bothers him the most. She is indirect with her biting comments, instead of just saying straightforward whatever grievance she has. I have a feeling she might be too intimidated to be frank and direct because she's as short as she is wide, and my son towers over her at 6' 3". I refer to him as the gentle giant. Does anyone think this might play into her faulty approach?
she may be intimidated to be direct. she also might not want to be too up front about it as it would be obvious and your ex may notice what a bi*%h she is being. I sure hope what ever happens your child does not take her to heart.
Your son is old enough NOT to see his father. I wouldn't put him through that with his father's gf. I wouldn't even have anything to do with your ex or his gf. Just collect the money until you're son is 18 and both of you write him off. Life's too short to deal with *******s.
Actually, in our state (CA) I believe it is at the age of 14 that a child can decide if they wish to continue to see the non-custodial parent. My son goes because he wishes to do so. I don't tell him what he should do, we just discuss the choices and details. The poster who stated that he's afraid to set his father up for being even more of a disappointment than he has already shown himself to be I think really nailed it.
We talked with my son last night and I shared some of the thoughts and suggestions posted in the thread. It helped him pinpoint what it was about her that bothered him so - it is her passive-aggressive method of nitpicking him that bothers him the most. She is indirect with her biting comments, instead of just saying straightforward whatever grievance she has. I have a feeling she might be too intimidated to be frank and direct because she's as short as she is wide, and my son towers over her at 6' 3". I refer to him as the gentle giant. Does anyone think this might play into her faulty approach?
It could be anything why this woman is behaving the way she is. Could be she's jealous of his bf and his son's relationship, could be she wants your ex all to herself, could be...anything.
Her weight and height have nothing to do with the situation.
If your son really wants to see his father, then see his father by himself. Ask his father once a week to get together for lunch or dinner at a restaurant, just the two of them. If the gf won't allow it and your ex doesn't stand up to her, then it's on him and he lost a relationship with his son over another woman. Your son will have to realize that and move on.
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