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I posted a few days ago about DS #2, my 20-month-old, and now for the elder, my 4 1/2 year old.... And it seems true, the "half-years" seem to suck as far as behavior goes (2 1/2, 3 1/2 and now 4 1/2 were all difficult)...
Anyway, my son seems to have issues with babysitters. My husband is away on business frequently and we use a p/t babysitter to pick up the kids from preschool now that I work 45 minutes away and may not be able to get to them by pickup time. The pickup and drive home is perfect but the minute my son hits the door, he starts acting out and in a big way. If I've left something for him to eat that he doesn't like, he throws a huge tantrum which consists of running away, yelling, crying, and throwing things, toys, matchbox cars (which hurt a lot surprisingly for their small size), playdough, anything he can get his hands on... We've told the new babysitter to feel empowered because pleading with him just feeds his bad behavior (him sensing weakness like he's part of a pack or something!) and to be firm with him. We didn't want someone timid or easily frustrated and this girl is NOT. In early childhood education and mature... but when he turned the TV on without permission and she turned it off, he just ran right behind her and turned it on again, took his chair and climbed up to where she put the playdough to get it away from him, got a pillow from my bedroom, totally messed up the room and brough the pillow downstairs to hit his baby brother (and the babysitter said rather hard). The boys do play rough sometimes but it seems my older son goes off the deep end the more the babysitter tries to protect DS#2.
She told us she might not be able to continue because she's overwhelmed. SHe wants to stay because she likes us a lot but DH and I have not seen ANY of this behavior and he doesn't do it at school. So I'm shocked when she tells me this. He listens when it's time to go swim, pays attention to safety rules, even helps an autistic child and rubs his back during episodes (told this in parent/teacher conference). He has the capacity to listen and be the teacher's helper! They want me to test him for being gifted for goodness' sake! And he's been in VPK for over a year already (unofficially) because he gets bored so easily! So what gives!? When DH and I are home, yes, he goes through moments when he doesn't listen but it's corrected, either by issuing consequences (loss of a toy or a treat), redirecting, or worst case scenario sending him up to his room. He and my tank of a baby do play rough together sometimes but he apologizes quickly when he hurts the baby by accident. He even cries when the baby gets hurt. The baby gets over it faster than he does.
I spoke with the babysitter last night and she did everything we do and more. She was just concerned about his behavior towards the baby, the kicking, the hitting with the pillow, the throwing... I also was out of advice for her other than to literally unplug, meaning turn all lights off, make sure TV is off, put the baby in his crib if necessary and literally withdraw from josh. I told her whether it's good or bad attention, he feeds on it, and if you almost stop moving, like a robot, and stare at the wall pretty much, the wind goes out of him. SHe said she was at that point last night. I'm so mortified. I took his favorite toys away because he still didn't seem to get what he had done. He said he felt "itchy" and his "funny bone hurt". I admit I got pretty upset when he was still cavalierly asking for treats and I angrily asked him "What is going on with you? Why can't you listen? And why are you hurting your brother??" (I know, neg points for bad mommy but I lost my patience). He started to cry and said "It's my brain." Then he actually helped me put his favorite toys into a bag (I didn't throw them away just put them in the garage for now) and he got into bed and turned off the light. He didn't want me to tell his favorite teacher this morning about his behavior because somehow, only she can get through to him. He's an angel when she babysits him at her house, never an issue, and he even helps her in her classroom. She started to talk to him privately before I left and I heard her tell him that his behavior was unacceptable.
Any other advice??? Time outs don't work (the babysitter tried it and he simply ran away from the "naughty step"). How can we teach respect?? He seems to get it when he goes to karate - the sensei says he's been doing great -- but what about at home??
Both of my boys respect me - and I believe it's because I respected them. I would never leave them food they didn't like! Does your son not have a choice?
Why not let him watch TV, if that's what he'd like to do? Why not let him have the playdough? (I know it's messy - limit it to the kitchen.)
If he needs attention, then give him MORE attention - get on the floor with him, happy positive attention. Hard with a younger sibling, I know! But definitely doable, and it's important. How in the world did he have time to go to your room and get the pillow, and mess up the room? A child who needs attention needs someone right with him. They grow out of it! And will grow out of that intense need sooner and more peacefully if that need is met - but in the meantime, stay with him.
The staring deadly at the wall thing seems incredibly creepy, and possibly scary for him.
It sounds like the sitter is imposing too many controls on him! I would want to make his time without me peaceful, happy, connected and fun.
I learned with my youngest - a willful, headstrong guy since he was very young - that listening to him with respect, honoring his desires and needs, and really connecting with him are what "worked" in terms of him developing respect for others.
Is the fact that your husband is traveling on business or that you're working farther away a new development? It could be as simple as him missing his daddy, him resenting the change in routine, and this is where it comes out. He cares what you think and is already missing time with you. He cares what his teacher thinks. He doesn't know this new woman and if he's p'ed off about the new routine he doesn't like, this is where he lets it out.
Or, like the others are saying, maybe it's the babysitter, but I guess the danger here is that you run off the babysitter you really like before figuring out on the second or third one (that you may not like as much) that it was your son feeling stressed and acting out as a result to begin with, not them.
The babysitter says she is "overwhelmed". That's a big uh-oh as far as I'm concerned. Which is whay I asked how the OP came to hire her.
If a babysitter is "overwhelmed" by a 4-year old acting like a fairly normal 4-year old I'd be looking for someone with a little more "oomph". Someone who wasn't going to be "overwhelmed" and could work with this little guy and help him adjust to Daddy being gone and Mommy having some changes in her schedule.
Since this little guy is doing well in school and with his teacher, in this particular case I'd start with the babysitter and work backwards from there.
Sounds like your son is going through major transitions in schedule and structure. This was clued in on by previous posters. Have you tried a more structured lead in to the babysitter? By that I mean that you and the babysitter are both present at first, slowly reducing the amount of time you are there until you are on the new schedule. This may not be 100% possible, but it seems like that kind of transition would do him some good.
Right now all he knows is that daddy is away a lot, mommy works more than she used to and all I have is this new lady who thinks she can tell me what to do in MY house.
The babysitter says she is "overwhelmed". That's a big uh-oh as far as I'm concerned. Which is whay I asked how the OP came to hire her.
If a babysitter is "overwhelmed" by a 4-year old acting like a fairly normal 4-year old I'd be looking for someone with a little more "oomph". Someone who wasn't going to be "overwhelmed" and could work with this little guy and help him adjust to Daddy being gone and Mommy having some changes in her schedule.
Since this little guy is doing well in school and with his teacher, in this particular case I'd start with the babysitter and work backwards from there.
And, it could very well be the babysitter. However, it sounds like school and the relationship with his teacher were already in place before the change started with mom's schedule and dad traveling more, which might explain why this little guy targeted the new person on the scene when he started acting out. He probably doesn't understand or care why mommy isn't picking him up any more, he's just sad that it's a change and she's around less and there is a new person there.
But, if the OP has no particular attachment to this babysitter, she could always try changing that and see if it makes a difference. Sounds like the sitter would be happy for an excuse to get out of there as it is.
The staring deadly at the wall thing seems incredibly creepy, and possibly scary for him.
It sounds like the sitter is imposing too many controls on him! I would want to make his time without me peaceful, happy, connected and fun.
I don't agree with this. I think kids need to know they're not going to get what they want by throwing a tantrum. I do a form of this with my DD, when she starts whining, which is her thing lately. I won't answer her until she can talk normally. The whining disappears instantly. It works.
Kids need boundaries. I don't feel you or the babysitter needs to coddle him every time he screams for attention. All that's going to do is teach him he can get whatever he wants by having a fit.
My DD is four also. I've found that she tests the limits with each person that is in charge, and she knows how far she can go with each one. She knows who she can pull it with and who she can't. I think your son knows that he can do this with the babysitter. Maybe she's soft spoken or a little timid about using authority, or maybe there's something else about her personality that gives him the sense that he can act this way. You said he never acts that way with anyone else, so that would be my guess. Also, as other posters suggested, he could just be adjusting to having someone besides you taking care of him at a time when he's used to you being there.
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