Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's alright. My brother told me that "if I don't have at least one kid with my husband, then I don't love him enough." I disagree completely. I'm not married yet and nor is he, but I think you can still love your spouse without having children.
But in your case, you shouldn't feel forced to have them because of family pressure. Just stick to your guns. That's all I can say.
However, you do need to realize that choosing not to have children places you in an extreme minority of the population. Not that it matters one bit, it's still your choice, but it is "odd" in the sense that it isn't that common.
I pray this minority increases in size with every year.
OP, your decision is highly appreciated, as far as I am concerned.
You may be weird or odd, statistically speaking - but so what?
Yes, it is annoying to constantly have to explain yourself to people and sometimes even to yourself; but if your instinct leans towards "no thank you", ignore the "insecure" voice NJGOAT is alluding to, it's just social pressure. Just stick to your decision.
You're doing yourself and everyone else a favor.
I'm actually looking into a dog. I'd much rather care for a dog than a child. I can leave a bowl of food and water out for the dog at home while at work all day and not get arrested for it. LOL.
Well, you still have to care for a dog and remember who will take care of it when you vacation 3-4 times a year.
It sounds like you are all about your freedom so do not have children plus I doubt your current GF would want to start all over given her child is an adult out of the house already.
The other thought I had is maybe the family is coming from another angle: do they know your GF is 40 yrs old? If not maybe that is why they ask. If so, they may be questioning you to make sure this is what you really want. Just stand up to your family and be the cool uncle that gets the nieces and nephews great gifts.
You never know, if this relationship does not pan out, you may find yourself with the right person that you feel you do want to have kids with and change your mind later.
Good luck!
I pray this minority increases in size with every year.
OP, your decision is highly appreciated, as far as I am concerned.
You may be weird or odd, statistically speaking - but so what?
Yes, it is annoying to constantly have to explain yourself to people and sometimes even to yourself; but if your instinct leans towards "no thank you", ignore the "insecure" voice NJGOAT is alluding to, it's just social pressure. Just stick to your decision.
You're doing yourself and everyone else a favor.
"We are burdensome to the world, the resources are scarcely adequate for us... Truly, pestilence and hunger and war and flood must be considered as a remedy for nations, like a pruning of the human race becoming excessive in numbers."
~Tertullian AD 200, global population ~100 million.
Just some food for thought.
On the "insecure" voice it is simply an observation based on the statements made in multiple childfree threads that have been floating around here lately. The universal among the childfree people that have posted here recently is that they are concerned/troubled/worried/upset when people question their choice. I find that when people are confident in the choices they make they are not concerned/troubled/worried/upset even when those choices are questioned. Truly there must be an amount of doubt in the choice being made to come to an internet forum in an attempt to validate their choice.
It's alright. My brother told me that "if I don't have at least one kid with my husband, then I don't love him enough." I disagree completely. I'm not married yet and nor is he, but I think you can still love your spouse without having children.
You can certainly love a spouse and have a wonderful and committed relationship without children. However, you both need to be 100% on the same page about the desire to NOT have children and that requires a lot of soul searching and honesty to find a person who independently desires to be childfree and is not simply "playing along" to keep the relationship alive.
The universal among the childfree people that have posted here recently is that they are concerned/troubled/worried/upset when people question their choice. I find that when people are confident in the choices they make they are not concerned/troubled/worried/upset even when those choices are questioned. Truly there must be an amount of doubt in the choice being made to come to an internet forum in an attempt to validate their choice.
It's a discussion board. People aren't necessarily looking for validation from strangers. If they are, they have other problems.
If you have a person with a family and/or friends that are consistently hounding them and asking them about their choices about anything in life, if that's all you are hearing, you begin to wonder if you're crazy or something because every voice you hear is one that thinks you're nuts.
60 Minutes did an experiment years ago in which they took a group of people and put them in a room. They sat around a table and showed three images of sticks on a board and went around the room asking the people to say which two sticks were the same length. All but one of the participants were in cahoots and deliberately chose the wrong two sticks. It was an attempt to see if the unsuspecting member of the group would stick to their guns and give the correct answer or go along with the others.
So many of the people began to look puzzled when people gave the wrong answers. But then they started going along and choosing the same wrong answers as the others. Afterward, when interviewed, many of them said they thought they were crazy in thinking that the two correct sticks was the right answer because of what everyone else was doing. Perhaps they were somewhat insecure about going against the grain but it just goes to show that if you are consistently bombarded with a piece of information and you feel alone and foolish for not agreeing with it, you just might conform because you think that's what you're supposed to do.
Coming to a message board and posting how they are feeling, and how it's so contrary to everyone around them in real life does not equal someone who secretly is unsure of what they want. They are just looking for voices outside of their sphere. It's interesting that posts like that show up on a parenting board, but then again, if someone who has kids can understand someone who doesn't want them, it allows them to see that not everyone thinks you're a lunatic for not wanting kids.
There are people who live very sheltered lives that are taught from day one that you do a, b, c, d and e in life, no questions asked. Then they grow up and realize that b and c are not things they agree with or want to do so they look around to see if anyone can understand what they are going through. They are not looking because they are insecure; they are looking because they know nothing else.
I disagree with the OP's desire to banter and bait people to prove their point that not having kids is a better decision because who's to say whose decisions are better than someone else's.
Jeez, Louise. A 32 yo man gets questioned so much about having children?
Now, THAT'S weird.
I agree. It's one thing to ask a close relative if he's thinking of having kids at some point -- a reasonable enough question, I think -- but he's not "weird" for not having or wanting them, and it's certainly not weird to be 32 and without children!
I agree with those who say just stick to a simple answer. No explanation is needed. And realistically most people don't want to hear a treatise on WHY it's not right for you or why you don't want them, just like you presumably wouldn't want to hear why you "should" have kids.
This board seems to be full of these questions these days. Maybe my circle is just itself weird, but my friends and family consist of those who both have kids and those who don't. Some of the people who don't have kids might decide to have them in the future; others never wanted them, never had them. None of those decisions is "weird," and no one ever made me feel weird before we had kids, and no one thinks I'm weird now that I have one. To the OP: sounds like your vocal relatives are the weird ones. Just give them a simple answer and leave it at that. They can speculate all they want in their own time if they so desire. Don't waste your time trying to explain yourself. Don't waste your time telling yourself that they envy you, either. You've simply made different decisions, that's all. There is no right or wrong here.
It's a discussion board. People aren't necessarily looking for validation from strangers. If they are, they have other problems.
I think many people post on these boards when they are unsure about a decision or choice they are making, especially if their real life friends/family are questioning that choice. They are seeking validation, either that they are making the correct choice or that their family is correct.
Quote:
If you have a person with a family and/or friends that are consistently hounding them and asking them about their choices about anything in life, if that's all you are hearing, you begin to wonder if you're crazy or something because every voice you hear is one that thinks you're nuts.
So, you seek validation.
Quote:
60 Minutes did an experiment years ago in which they took a group of people and put them in a room. They sat around a table and showed three images of sticks on a board and went around the room asking the people to say which two sticks were the same length. All but one of the participants were in cahoots and deliberately chose the wrong two sticks. It was an attempt to see if the unsuspecting member of the group would stick to their guns and give the correct answer or go along with the others.
So many of the people began to look puzzled when people gave the wrong answers. But then they started going along and choosing the same wrong answers as the others. Afterward, when interviewed, many of them said they thought they were crazy in thinking that the two correct sticks was the right answer because of what everyone else was doing. Perhaps they were somewhat insecure about going against the grain but it just goes to show that if you are consistently bombarded with a piece of information and you feel alone and foolish for not agreeing with it, you just might conform because you think that's what you're supposed to do.
You conform because you are not strong enough in your own conviction over what is right. If it was something less innocuous then the length of sticks, the result would be very different. Take a group of people and present them with a situation that would indicate an abortion might be a good option for a person. People will immediately fall into pro-choice and pro-life camps as it is a strong conviction and they will not sway the other side with their arguments.
Quote:
Coming to a message board and posting how they are feeling, and how it's so contrary to everyone around them in real life does not equal someone who secretly is unsure of what they want. They are just looking for voices outside of their sphere. It's interesting that posts like that show up on a parenting board, but then again, if someone who has kids can understand someone who doesn't want them, it allows them to see that not everyone thinks you're a lunatic for not wanting kids.
Again, they are seeking validation over their choice because it is contrary to those around them and there is something that is making them consider that they may be wrong, hence a weak conviction.
Quote:
There are people who live very sheltered lives that are taught from day one that you do a, b, c, d and e in life, no questions asked. Then they grow up and realize that b and c are not things they agree with or want to do so they look around to see if anyone can understand what they are going through. They are not looking because they are insecure; they are looking because they know nothing else.
Again, they are seeking VALIDATION of their opinion or choice that runs contrary to what they know.
Quote:
I disagree with the OP's desire to banter and bait people to prove their point that not having kids is a better decision because who's to say whose decisions are better than someone else's.
Agreed.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
