U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-08-2007, 07:42 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 1,029,682 times
Reputation: 553

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by FreezinIL View Post
I managed to yell back that if she wants a more peaceful shopping trip go to Nordstroms with her snobby self and if I am bothering her so much she could help me get our of there by pushing my cart! Well she just yelled some more and left and then There were 3 of us crying, Me my 1 yr old and the screaming 3 yr old.
I have found that replying with "****" (the words, not the letters), is not only much more effective than a long retort, but is also much easier than thinking up a more creative response.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-08-2007, 10:02 AM
 
158 posts, read 832,250 times
Reputation: 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
I have found that replying with "****" (the words, not the letters), is not only much more effective than a long retort, but is also much easier than thinking up a more creative response.
I am sure you are right. Often when upset we do not always mean what we say when trying to thing quick and not cry or it comes out all wrong.

I also wanted to ad that I definatley do not think Nordstrom shoppers are snobby. Once upon I time I was in a much better financial state I found myself there once or twice If someone thought that I actually enjoy bringing toddlers shopping they really Just Dont Get it. I actually often have to. Or think I will be so quick nothing will happen, LoL
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-10-2007, 09:04 PM
 
Location: Princeton-area, New Jersey
113 posts, read 740,365 times
Reputation: 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreezinIL View Post
Yes people can be harsh. Once when he had an "episode" in Walmart a lady started yelling. " GO HOME I JUST HATE THAT NOISE JUST GO HOME!!!" I was trying to calm my 1 1/2 yr old after the 3yr old had an "episode" and bit the little guys fingers while I was trying to pay. Of course the 3 yr old was actually screaming louder than the little one. Here I am with 5 kids 2 screaming and 2 carts full of groceries. I was sitting already near tears when this lady started yelling at me. I managed to yell back that if she wants a more peaceful shopping trip go to Nordstroms with her snobby self and if I am bothering her so much she could help me get our of there by pushing my cart! Well she just yelled some more and left and then There were 3 of us crying, Me my 1 yr old and the screaming 3 yr old.
Also, it gets harder when it's family that's doling out the criticism. My own sister once growled at me, "Can't you do something about your daughter?" when we went out for a family lunch. When I told her that it's the reason why I didn't want to attend lunch, she retorted, "Well, why can't you just teach her to behave in public?" I was so angry and near tears as well (from anger) that my own sister could not give me any allowances. So imagine my horror to think of what non-family thinks! Not just that, but my parents think that my daughter is just spoiled.

I've started to tell them little by little that my daughter is not "typical". When she gets into her highly emotional end-of-the-world crying fits, I turn to my family and ask them, "does this look normal to you?"-- "does this look like the product of spoiling?"-- "can't you see that she cannot control herself, and I cannot control her?" Since I've done that, they've been more understanding and have laid off the criticism almost completely. I use a different response to strangers when they give me the evil eye, I'll direct my words to my daughter, but I make sure they hear me say, "please don't behave this way, other people don't like it." It shows strangers that I acknowledge my daughter's behavior and that I acknowledge how it annoys them. I've even done this around my own friends, when I clearly see they cannot stand my daughter. Thankfully, I haven't had a screaming match with a stranger! All this is pre-meditated stuff, so I'm calm, but I'd probably lose it in the heat of the moment!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-11-2007, 11:56 AM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,986,946 times
Reputation: 1473
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreezinIL View Post
He also often trys to hurt his brothers either by hitting, slapping or hitting with a toy. Sometime when aggrevated and sometimes just out of the blue. He then throws a tantrum an all out loud one when I tell him he has to have a 4 minute time out.


He sometimes refuses and I will pop him on the rear with the "Naughty stick" ( a plastic cooking spatula) this is always last resort. It is now mainly used to chase him into his room so we do not have to see or listen to his screaming and see him throwing his tantrum I tell him he can come out when he is done.
I haven't read any responses yet, but I see a connection between what he's doing and what you're doing. Do you?

I think it's often very tempting for some people to want to strike children when they're out of control because any time anyone is out of control, it's not only disturbing, but sometimes outright scary. However, your son has learned that when he's upset, hitting other people, including people who are smaller than he, is appropriate behavior. Instead of using a spatula, he uses a toy.

Other people have probably offered suggestions, but have you tried sitting with him in his room alone, holding him on your lap GENTLY until he is calm, and then asking (or guessing) about the cause?

Pretend for just a minute that he's a real person. I'm serious about that. I've said this on other posts, so sorry about repeating myself, but too many times, we think of children as somewhere near animals in terms of their ability to understand and remember events, and therefore automatically assume that their motives for acting are stupid or random and need to be disciplined by people.

However, pretend he's a person. If a friend of yours were apparently out of nowhere start hitting people around him, sometimes when annoyed and sometimes out of the blue, wouldn't you say, "Hey, man, what's the matter? What's gotten in to you?" Your response would probably not be to chase him into the room with a gun (an adult version of the "naughty stick") and lock him in until he was done.

ALMOST ALL of the time, children have meltdowns for many of the same reasons adult people have meltdowns.

Sometimes those causes can be...

* fatigue
* overstimulation
* too much sugar followed by a sugar crash
* too much violence on television or on video games
* hyperstimulation/overstimulation caused by too much television
* frustration because of a gap between what he's capable of doing and what he wants to do
* inability to communicate dissatisfaction in any other way

I would also teach him to recognize the signs of an impending meltdown -- look for "trigger situations" where you KNOW he'll melt down, and make him aware of what those are. Give him a strategy like, "When you feel angry and it's about to come out, I want you to come to me and say, 'Mom, I need you to hold me on your lap because I feel angry now,'" or whatever works for you.

If you've ever felt angry or frustrated -- and I bet you have -- ask yourself how you would feel if your husband were to slap you across the rear end or threaten you with a weapon and lock you into your room until you were done. I don't know you or your husband, whom I am assuming doesn't do those things, but I'm confident in saying you might end up taking him to divorce court as soon as you could get out and get an attorney. Am I wrong?

With that in mind, what about thinking to those times when you've felt frustrated or angry? What's helped YOU? Can you teach your son the same techniques?

Just a thought. Hope it helps.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-11-2007, 12:01 PM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,986,946 times
Reputation: 1473
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreezinIL View Post
Even though he says he hates me he does not like to be away from me.

You know when he is not in obnoxious tantrum mode he is just such a wonderful loving child almost perfection its is so strange the extreme opposite he turns into.
Listen, you sound very busy with basically being a de facto single mom for much of the week and running a doggie day care and having four children, one of them a relatively new toddler.

Could he be a child who basically needs you more than your other children have needed you? Maybe he feels shut out, alone, or frustrated and basically needs you to help him. Some people are like that -- some are independent as all get-out and if you give them an average amount of attention or interaction, they find you to be "in their face," but some people really crave that attention or interaction and push the envelope if that need isn't met.

In that case, I would ABSOLUTELY not ignore him, nor stick him in a room until he's "done." How about asking him if that's what's bothering him? How about asking him what would help him? Asking him if you need to hug him more or play with him more, or whatever.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-11-2007, 12:04 PM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,986,946 times
Reputation: 1473
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreezinIL View Post

The most annoying scream too. When he was a baby his cry greatly resembled the squeal of a baby pig. Usually with my others I used to put great effort into stoping the crying to comfort them. With this one I just remember wanting to do anything (rationally speaking of course) to comfort him just because I could not stand the sound of his cry. I feel bad to feel that way but it is true. My mother used to tell me to slap him in the face. UggggH I tell you my mom and her methods I dont take or ask advice from her
It sounds like he's just one of those people who's always been high-needs. Like I said, some people are like that. MAJOR props to you on not following your mother's (to me) abusive methods of child-rearing. I had a mom who was a spanker, not a slapper, but small difference.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-11-2007, 12:09 PM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,986,946 times
Reputation: 1473
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreezinIL View Post
Shuke, it is great you and your wife have worked through things and word together understanding your child.

I guess I should have mentioned in my 1st post that my husband has ADD or ADHD or what ever it is called. 1st 3 children are not biologically his but the
2nd 2 are. My husband is not much help even when he is here. We have been married 5 yrs and he irritates the heck out of me with his "ADD" craziness. He did not behave this wierdly when I met him. So sometimes I wonder if he is just a jerk or if he really has ADD. Anyway he is wonderful with the kids all of them as long as everyone is happy and playing but when they are not he hides or handles things in a real bad nonesense way.

Anyway I feel as if I am alone on this. Right now we can not afford special schools or even a regular preschool. I see are financial situation changing for the better in the next yr or to though.

I think children have to be a certain age to be diagnosed with ADD? Also feel he is young to be trying anything to drastic as far as medications go.

I am about to take a look at the other forum someone previously posted and see if there are any other good ideas there. Thanks. Sounds like you are really doing all the right things with your son.
Some other suggestions here, based on what you've said...

Have you looked into dietary triggers for these tantrums? Sometimes people with ADD or who are on the spectrum of behavioral disorders including ADD have had real success with eliminating "garbage" foods such as...

1. Sugar, including the sugar in juice and sodas
2. Anything with the phrase "high fructose corn syrup"
3. Too many carbohydrates (white breads, pasta, french fries or other forms of potatoes, rice) which convert to sugar in the bloodstream
4. Processed foods (fast foods including McDonald's, chicken nuggets or other frozen/fast foods)
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-11-2007, 12:16 PM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,986,946 times
Reputation: 1473
Quote:
Originally Posted by Padgett2 View Post
But first, try sitting right down on the floor by him and give him some extra love. KInd of rock him in your arms. For some reason, sitting on the floor worked better than picking him up and sitting in a chair.
YES. This worked and still works for my DD. The thing is, sometimes (for the reasons I listed above), she would lose control of her emotions -- a situation that is scary for adults and probably ten times as scary for children.

Holding her in my lap helped her regain the control over herself that she needed and did not let her feel abandoned -- as children do when they're locked in a room to "cry it out" by themselves. Even if you say to him, "I know you're angry right now, but I'm going to hold you until you can get ahold of yourself," it helps. What also helped was to say to my DD, "I want you to hug me when you feel a surge of anger or frustration. I want you to hug the anger away." It helped tremendously as a way for her to get control of herself.

Hope that helps.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-12-2007, 09:01 PM
 
Location: Princeton-area, New Jersey
113 posts, read 740,365 times
Reputation: 80
Default we had a major episode today

We went to visit my aunt and uncle, both of whom I haven't seen in 5 years. Their granddaughter was there (3 y.o.) and my daughter couldn't be more excited. Unfortunately, the little girl had to leave early and my daughter was LIVID! It was so uncontrollable that I had to pick her up without excusing myself and walked from the backyard, around the house, then sat in front of the driveway. I tried some of the advice left on this thread, and this is what happened:

* My daughter demanded to go home because the little girl left. I said, "no, we don't have a car, we need to wait for your uncle to drive us home." She began pulling at me, started with the whining, started with the crying. My daughter is really strong, so when she pulls me, it looks really bad and embarrassing for me.

* I explained to her again that we needed to wait for a ride and that I know she wants to go home, but that we really can't leave (advice taken: talk to child like a person). That didn't work because she kept pulling on me, and the whining and crying were getting stronger. So I ignored her for a couple of minutes (advice on ignoring and let child stop on their own.) But that didn't work either.

* As her tantrum got intense (think of a pig squealing), I left the backyard. I was holding her firmly, because by now she was arching her back and pulling AWAY from me, yelling, "LET ME GO! I WANNA GO HOME!" and announcing to the whole block that I cannot control her. So I sat down at the edge of the driveway (advice about cradling and rocking on the ground), and although it was hard to get her to calm down, IT WORKED eventually.

* I noticed my daughter's face was turning blue-green from all the crying. I caressed her face and told her she needed to calm down. I did not once let her go, and I held her tightly until she calmed down. I told her that she was turning blue and she needed water. Eventually, she took the water and calmed down. I think she understood what it meant to turn blue.

I know some people will advise that a good firm spank is all she needed, but any parent who has a child like mine will understand it is not as easy as it sounds or looks. My son is a well-behaved boy, and I raised him as a single mom. If it were a matter of parenting, then my daughter should be well-behaved as well. (Shuke, that Pediatric Psychopharmacology unit at MGH is starting to look like a good place to go... I really do believe it is some sort of a mood disorder, since her crying was beyond uncontrollable.)

Anyways, thanks for letting me share and thanks for the advice. And again, FreezinIL, thanks for starting the thread!

Last edited by luckyduck; 08-12-2007 at 10:05 PM..
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-12-2007, 09:27 PM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,986,946 times
Reputation: 1473
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckyduck View Post
I know some people will advise that a good firm spank is all she needed, but any parent who has a child like mine will understand it is not as easy as it sounds or looks. My son is a well-behaved boy, and I raised him as a single mom. If it were a matter of parenting, then my daughter should be well-behaved as well. (Shuke, that Pediatric Psychopharmacology unit at MGH is starting to look like a good place to go... I really do believe it is some sort of a mood disorder, since her crying was beyond uncontrollable.)

Anyways, thanks for letting me share and thanks for the advice. And again, FreezinIL, thanks for starting the thread!
I am SO glad that anything I said helped you and your daughter. I'm sure it's scary for her to be so out of control.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:13 AM.

© 2005-2021, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top