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I'm sure the whole idea of having the kids 'be in line' comes from some evolutionary advantage. Probably something about strengthening the pack or whatever. Compare a well-disciplined army to one full of bumpkins who don't know their clip from their magazine.
So many questions - why do some families fight but stay close? Why do some children (when adult) just leave and move elsewhere and rarely visit?
I do look at the families and extended families that help each other. That's how mine was - my father was not perfect but he loved his wife and children and always savored the family events. It was just an unwritten thing - you showed up. Even after you got married and had your own family.
My parents are now gone. After my mother passed away last year, I learned so much about her and relationships. My parents had depended on their children for their financial needs (my brother and I did that) and I knew someday the other sibs would be needed (physical care - probably harder than the financial). No one really knew all that. (My dad had a few business deals go bad). Anyway, she had over 300 at her memorial service - obviously, she gave a lot to people and she found great happiness in her relationships with others. Isn't that what life is about? Being around others?
Sure, there are times in our lives we are alone and may want it that way. But, sometimes, I think of my mom and realize she was the winner - she took time for others and they took time for her.
Even though 2 of my immediate (i.e., non-spousal) family members have been living with me for about 10 years, essentially completely financially dependent, and sometimes outright disrespectful and cruel rather than appreciative, I provide for and take care of them, *because* I love them...
Commendable, as I do not have the capacity to do such. Honestly.....
But love and obligations are closely tied. Perhaps you feel obligated because they took care of you when you were younger?
I still love my parents to death but there are somethings I refuse to comprise for their sake. More so when better decision making could have curtailed their needs for certain dependencies.
In all seriousness, I salute you for having the patience I will never be able to express.
My Father had a saying for people that think and apparently act as you come across. It was "Someone should have knocked you in the head and feed the milk to the pigs". You sound like an ungrateful spoiled child. You don't have any idea why people decide to have children, your thought process is so warped by your own selfish thoughts, how could you know anything? It is obvious to me that your parents didn't do a good job of raising a socially acceptable offspring if you are the result. Children do have rights, they have the right to obey their parents until they are finished with high school and on their own. If I had a child that turned out to be a pathetic person who charged family for his services, the door to my house would be forever closed to him. You are entitled to your opinions, I hope I'm entitled to voice mine.
I'm sure the whole idea of having the kids 'be in line' comes from some evolutionary advantage. Probably something about strengthening the pack or whatever. Compare a well-disciplined army to one full of bumpkins who don't know their clip from their magazine.
Excellent point. Along the lines of responses I was looking for. Not those that are offended and assume my respect for parents is at a minimal.
Look, if your parents are jerky or demanding, I don't blame you for wanting some space. One of the benefits we enjoy from moving far away is ... being far away. I love my family, but they can smother a little, and his is kind of neurotic. We like our distance. Perhaps we are selfish because we valued the welfare of our nuclear family (home ownership, better schools, better jobs, etc.) over "being there" for our extended family, but we can live with that. I just don't buy the "I didn't ask to be born so I don't have to _____________" attitude (at all, if you couldn't tell). I'm also guessing that when you "stood up to say something" to your brother and sister (not sure which is the in-law) about parenting their own kid, that didn't go over very well.
Thank you for the kind comments; that is very nice of you to say!!
I understand what you mean though...and you have some excellent points -- in my own experience, I think my family members almost have a certain level of "co-dependence" on me, which can make them feel resentful and unhappy, sometimes admittedly. It (co-dependency, from another) can in some ways, be a double-edged sword...
To answer your question though: yes I feel obligated to care for them, b/c they cared for me, when I was younger.
Good luck!! FWIW, I think you are doing a great job, with your parents / family
Quote:
Originally Posted by moddestmike
Commendable, as I do not have the capacity to do such. Honestly.....
But love and obligations are closely tied. Perhaps you feel obligated because they took care of you when you were younger?
I still love my parents to death but there are somethings I refuse to comprise for their sake. More so when better decision making could have curtailed their needs for certain dependencies.
In all seriousness, I salute you for having the patience I will never be able to express.
My Father had a saying for people that think and apparently act as you do. It was "I should have knocked you in the head and feed the milk to the pigs". You sound like an ungrateful spoiled child. You don't have any idea why people decide to have children, your thought process is so warped by your own selfish thoughts, how could you know anything? It is obvious to me that your parents didn't do a good job of raising a socially acceptable offspring if you are the result. Children do have rights, they have the right to obey their parents until they are finished with high school and on their own. If I had a child that turned out to be a pathetic person who charged family for his services, the door to my house would be forever closed to him. You are entitled to your opinions, I hope I'm entitled to voice mine.
Perhaps I struck a nerve. I don't seem to recall any personal attacks towards anyone in my post yet I wasn't "raised" right?
As I stated earlier, being ungrateful and spoiled are the furthest from the truth but considering this is the web, I'd assume most are taking my statements with a grain of salt (I would do the same).
I surround myself with like minded peers and colleagues, while not everyone at the firm I practice express my views, many respect it and we are extremely close.
Look, if your parents are jerky or demanding, I don't blame you for wanting some space. One of the benefits we enjoy from moving far away is ... being far away. I love my family, but they can smother a little, and his is kind of neurotic. We like our distance. Perhaps we are selfish because we valued the welfare of our nuclear family (home ownership, better schools, better jobs, etc.) over "being there" for our extended family, but we can live with that. I just don't buy the "I didn't ask to be born so I don't have to _____________" attitude (at all, if you couldn't tell). I'm also guessing that when you "stood up to say something" to your brother and sister (not sure which is the in-law) about parenting their own kid, that didn't go over very well.
Well the little guy was excused from his dinner. My sister in-law hates me already but my brother agrees. He's a bit passive despite being older. I rarely hold my tongue. Others have the right to be offended and not in agreeance with me but it is a free country.
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Parents and their children
