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I find it odd that parents often feel as though their children are obligated to listen to them, do for them, and "respect" them (even under the most ridiculous circumstances) all based on the simple fact that THEY chose to have a child. As a child, yes......well sort of. Reason for my skepticism is because no child asks to be born, parents ("adults") take it upon themselves to procreate, thus subjecting their offspring to years of indentured services if you will (a bit extreme, I know). Children have no rights or opinions according to their guardians. Now I understand that at the age of adolescence, heck....even young adulthood; that we do not fully comprehend how the world works.
First incident: My nephew, eleven years old; had been called down by his parents to join for dinner. Arriving as instructed, he simply said "I'm still sorta full from lunch, I think I'll just eat some cereal". The cereal being Rasin Brain folks, the kid loves it. Upon hearing this, his parents are worked up into such a frenzy and go on this rant about how they provide for him, how he's their son and will obey them, how he's suppose to somehow be thankful that they wanted to have him.....utterly ridiculous statements in my honest opinion. He, not having much choice, sat and stuff his poor little belly until I finally stood up to say something.
On numerous occasions I'm accused of being selfish, ungrateful and just a devil. All because I choose not to let my parents guilt me into doing favors. If its not beneficial to me or not convenient for me, I will refuse to do so. Selfish? Many might assume, but my point is that self fulfillment is paramount to leading a happy lifestyle. I rarely show up to family events because they are too far. Family members frequently call me for technical advice\assistance\services, I charge them as I would if I were consulting.
I guess my point and question is, why do so many parents choose to make servicing their needs obligatory to their kids? I understand that on may occasions these "standards" are to help raise a socially acceptable offspring but ultimately I get the feeling parents want kids so that they can be cared for by said kids once they reach an age where caring for themselves is not possible.
Agree? Disagree? Discuss.
for the most part I agree with you-- and I'm a parent of adult-aged kids.
first, I believe all an adult-aged kid "owes" a parent is basic respect-- but if the respect isn't mutual, not even that.
second, I think adult-aged kids should be willing to help out a parent if there's an occasional & legitimate need for it, but I also think guilt-trips & a sense of entitlement are way out of line. like you said, it's a parent's choice to bring kids into the world, so kids don't "owe" the parents something because of it.
I do, however, disagree with your viewpoint on the 11-yr-old, but probably for different reasons than you posted about-- in my opinion, if someone (child OR adult) isn't 'hungry' for the meal someone took the time to purchase, prepare, and serve, he shouldn't be catered to along the line of 'I'll get something different.'
I have a different situation, my Mother needs money. I offered to live with her, pay her mortgage, she did not want that...she just wants me to give her money when she wants it. She tries to guilt trip me, by telling me how much she gave me when I was growing up. She wants me to stop putting money into my retirement account, because she needs it, and I am being selfish.
Hey, not my problem. I pay for her cell phone, I give her money when she needs it, but I can't start making a car payment for her each month, which is what she wants now. Just the way it is.
This is old, really old however original post I will put it this way: Socialization and perspective are responsible for one's value for family. Some people who have had good experiences project their feelings toward their own family on others and some fear to speak on it because it's so frowned upon.
I however have no problem stating I have no value for it and that I come from a very dysfunctional family (that did me more harm than good). When I was younger I owed my parents life now that I have a child I owe my child life: crazy how that works. I brought my child in this world so it is my responsibility to prepare them for the world. Period. They don't owe me anything at all. They didn't ask to be here.
No, you weren't asked to be born, but when you reach adult age and are more mentally mature, you look back and kinda realize that your parents did take care of you, endure all the bad parts of your personality, paid for your toys, drove you everywhere, bought clothes for you, cooked you dinner, took care of you when you were sick, etc.
So your parents do deserve some respect. So when you CAN, and you have a decent relationship with them, then do something nice for them once in awhile. Don't act like they don't exist. Visit them, bring over food, offer to drive them somewhere.
As for OP's post about his nephew wanting Raisin Bran for dinner, children need to learn that their parents are in charge, not them. They need to learn to respect adults. They can't just do anything whenever they feel like it.
And for the record, I don't think you should fall at their feet either. I've had friends whose parents told them, "YOU OWE ME," which I think is demeaning insulting, and infuriating. I'm glad my own parents never said this to me. My husband's mom EXPECTS her now grown children to serve her - treat her to dinner, do her dirty work like her paperwork & errands because she raised them and serving her is a sign of appreciation for all her work.
Not the old, "I didn't ask to get born" thing. I haven't heard that in 20 years! Generally, the entitlement issue comes from the adult child (adult used loosely here) where because the parents had them, they expect money, child care, etc. from the parents. Hopefully the parents do a better job in raising their kids to avoid the issue altogether and it won't come from either side of the equation.
All these comments about "well it's their house" or "well they chose to have kids so the kids owe them life" nonsense.
And y'all are gonna act like victims when it happens. Despite there vent pretty much a 100% chance of emotional abuse and toxic dynamics and shame at best.
And way too much physical, sexual, financial, etc abuse along with adultification, parentification, and the like not uncommonly. Very often paired with a complete lack of gratitude for the things your kids do, especially if they're constantly taking care of younger ones or having dinner made before you get home.
Because it's normalized. And none of yeah want to admit you were abused and seek therapy to work it out before inducing the same toxic shame cycles on your own kids.
PS if you think a child owes you anything just because you had them, you should've had an abortion. Goes for my mom too, who does feel like a victim of estrangement and whines to the whole family about how mean i am for not letting her in my life.
Last edited by cassieSash; 07-31-2022 at 06:04 PM..
Reason: detail
Either you want to nurture and give your kids unconditional love or you don't.
Don't have kids because that is the "expected" thing to do. Or to have somebody to take care of you when you are old and demented. That is not the purpose of having kids.
However, if you bring up your children with good morals, manners, work ethic... then they will grow up to be good people who will WANT to take care of you because they love you, not because they owe you.
If you've been a bad parent, don't expect too much in return when they become adults who no longer live under your roof and under your control.
BTW when I say bad parent... that also includes spoiling the heck out of them and making them super entitled brats with no sense of ethics or morals.
I find it odd that parents often feel as though their children are obligated to listen to them, do for them, and "respect" them (even under the most ridiculous circumstances) all based on the simple fact that THEY chose to have a child. As a child, yes......well sort of. Reason for my skepticism is because no child asks to be born, parents ("adults") take it upon themselves to procreate, thus subjecting their offspring to years of indentured services if you will (a bit extreme, I know). Children have no rights or opinions according to their guardians. Now I understand that at the age of adolescence, heck....even young adulthood; that we do not fully comprehend how the world works.
First incident: My nephew, eleven years old; had been called down by his parents to join for dinner. Arriving as instructed, he simply said "I'm still sorta full from lunch, I think I'll just eat some cereal". The cereal being Rasin Brain folks, the kid loves it. Upon hearing this, his parents are worked up into such a frenzy and go on this rant about how they provide for him, how he's their son and will obey them, how he's suppose to somehow be thankful that they wanted to have him.....utterly ridiculous statements in my honest opinion. He, not having much choice, sat and stuff his poor little belly until I finally stood up to say something.
On numerous occasions I'm accused of being selfish, ungrateful and just a devil. All because I choose not to let my parents guilt me into doing favors. If its not beneficial to me or not convenient for me, I will refuse to do so. Selfish? Many might assume, but my point is that self fulfillment is paramount to leading a happy lifestyle. I rarely show up to family events because they are too far. Family members frequently call me for technical advice\assistance\services, I charge them as I would if I were consulting.
I guess my point and question is, why do so many parents choose to make servicing their needs obligatory to their kids? I understand that on may occasions these "standards" are to help raise a socially acceptable offspring but ultimately I get the feeling parents want kids so that they can be cared for by said kids once they reach an age where caring for themselves is not possible.
Agree? Disagree? Discuss.
A parent whining at a kid over some perceived moral misgiving happens about a bazillion times each day. Telling a kid they should be thankful for being born or other statements like that suggests the parents are manipulative and probably have a mental disorder or 3. That’s not something an 11 year old needs to process, nor is it something an adult should revert to in discourse with a child.
But dude… family call and ask for help and you charge them? Deleted
Last edited by june 7th; 08-01-2022 at 08:15 AM..
Reason: Referring to another member as being an "idiot" is not permitted.
FYI to all, this is a resurrected years old thread.
To the subject and not the OP necessarily, I say... It sucks when kids suffer at home. But parenting is hard. The great majority of parents are doing their best, but they aren't perfect. Mistakes will be made. Some worse than others. Fortunately though, we all grow up and once we're grown, we have the freedom to make choices about the relationships that we engage in.
I don't believe that any adult kid is required or obligated to engage with their parents. I don't believe that any adult should be in any obligatory relationships at all, unless THEY have children and then yeah, you have an obligation to raise them unless you put them up for adoption of course. But my parents gave me plenty to be resentful for. And my Mom is just one of those chaotic individuals who seems to warp reality around her. Love her a lot, but can only do it from afar. We talk on the phone a lot. But sometimes she's needed help and rarely she has asked me for money.
I have a policy when it comes to family and money. I will only GIVE it, I will not LOAN it. If I can afford to help, I probably will. But not so much that it endangers my own financial security. If they can and want to repay me sometime in the future, I will accept with gratitude, but I'm not going to leave it hanging over my head or theirs. But if I can't afford to help, then I say NO.
That's just growing up and getting some big girl boundaries, right there. Nobody should put up with feeling taken advantage of. Do whatever you gotta do. If your parents don't like it, then I guess that relationship will fade. Oh, well. As an adult I can form plenty more relationships with other people in this world who make me feel the way I want to feel, seen and appreciated, not used.
When it comes to my kids, who are young adults now, it's much the same in terms of financial assistance, the gifts/not loans rule still applies, and I still have to draw lines. But the rest...I am always there for a phone call if they want to talk. I visit twice a year, but if they were busy and didn't want to see me, I have plenty of friends in the area and I can find other fun things to do with my time. If they want to put some space between themselves and me, then hey....fly and be free my little chickens! We can be close or we can be NOT close, all I really want is for them to be OK. Whatever that looks like for them. I'd rather they were happy and never talked to me, than unhappy and tethered to my skirts.
Just be OK.
It's all I ask. It's all I want. And it's hard enough.
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this is how you get estranged
