What do you owe to a child who has a large family? (have to tell, mother)
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I'm serious. What am I respecting by visiting? I find it odd that someone would term this respect. Respect for what? I don't see anyone having done anything here deserving of respect.
Do you not respect your DSS? It's common courtesy to show an interest in seeing his newborn child, regardless of if he is in town or not.
Do you not respect your DSS? It's common courtesy to show an interest in seeing his newborn child, regardless of if he is in town or not.
It is devastating to have a child and not have the child visited by the GRANDPARENTS that live 2 miles away. I would be livid, resentful, and hurt....maybe the DSS and DIL are hurt. Maybe the lack of action has spoken volumes to them.
Sad, sad, sad I have five as well, and although my husband passed away four years ago, my mother and father in-law still make a big effort to visit/call/e-mail my kids even though they live three hours away. Can't imagine having young kids that KNOW their grandma wants nothing to do with them. Kids can and do pick up on things pretty easily and like I said, it'd be rather sad for a kid to have to realize grandma doesn't want to have a relationship with them. I know mine would be very hurt if their grandma (who lives in a different state) didn't ever visit or speak with them, much less a grandma who lives two miles away.
It's not their fault they got stuck with a not-so-wonderful mom and for their sake, it's important for them to know that you're there for them.
Do you not respect your DSS? It's common courtesy to show an interest in seeing his newborn child, regardless of if he is in town or not.
Again, I ask, what does respect have to do with this? And yes, I did show interest in seeing his new son. I'm pretty sure he understands why I want nothing to do with ddil and I'm pretty sure he'd rather we not be in the same room without a mediator.
Whether or not it's common courtesy to see a newborn depends on whether the parents want visitors. I didn't want any for a few weeks after either of my dd's were born.
Sounds very strange to me. The whole dynamic does not sound healthy. I can't understand though, not wanting to see kids who are just a few miles away, but I would not like being used as the all the time baby tender. I think it would be nice to invite one over at a time, for special things with Grandma, like baking cookies, or whatever...is age appropriate. And just explain that you love her kids, and want to spend time with them, and give them extra attention, one on one attention. Or whatever...
I don't think that you like this woman too much, and are having counter-transference issues with her, spilling into your relationship with the kids.
If there were a way to see the kids and avoid her, I'd take it. And it's not an issue of not wanting to see the kids. It's an issue of the conditions for seeing them. We'll see how the summer goes. I really don't care for the summer. I have plenty of time but in the fall it's back to taking care of my family first.
Inviting one at a time over means seeing each child about twice a year if keep it to a sane schedule during the school year. Honestly, them coming by to visit, like we did our grandparents, or us going over there makes more sense during the school year.
She has made it clear that all arrangements to see the kids are to be made through dss so I won't be explaining anything to her.
It is devastating to have a child and not have the child visited by the GRANDPARENTS that live 2 miles away. I would be livid, resentful, and hurt....maybe the DSS and DIL are hurt. Maybe the lack of action has spoken volumes to them.
Why would it be devestating? He's a baby. He really doesn't care. He's oblivious to all of this. Dss, I'm sure understands as I'm certain he doesn't want ddil and I in the same room without a mediator.
I thought she said she wants you to pick the kids up and take them somewhere? I don't understand how you'd have to be with her if you did that. Pick the kids up, bring them to the beach/movie/wherever and drop them off. Pretty simple. Or am I missing something?
you are right- it SHOULDN'T be about the DIL but at the end of the day- she is holding the cards. She's the mother of the kids. Sometimes kids are used as pawns-- it's ugly and nasty but it happens.
Part of me thinks that's what this is. She sets an unreasonable condition to my seeing the kids (the rotating schedule she knows I can't keep up) and then it's MY fault for not seeing the kids.
Again, I ask, what does respect have to do with this? And yes, I did show interest in seeing his new son. I'm pretty sure he understands why I want nothing to do with ddil and I'm pretty sure he'd rather we not be in the same room without a mediator.
Whether or not it's common courtesy to see a newborn depends on whether the parents want visitors. I didn't want any for a few weeks after either of my dd's were born.
It's showing respect for your DSS; he has added to his family a healthy child, and acknowledging the baby's presence (and getting in those good baby smells!) would mean a lot to him, I'm sure. Just because they have a large family doesn't mean the last one wasn't a blessing! It's also showing some respect to the entire family; you're embracing a new life, and sharing in that gift. Just because you didn't want visitors doesn't mean they didn't.
Gah. Life is too freaking short for these petty, annoying grudges. Don't you want to hold your 3 month old grandchild? Wouldn't you like to feel that innocence in your arms? Maybe if you did all of this pettiness would drift away for a while and you all could have a nice visit.
The only thing you can change in this situation is your behavior and your attitude; DIL will not change unless she has to.
Dontcha just hate it when people don't BEHAVE THE WAY WE WANT THEM TO?
I thought she said she wants you to pick the kids up and take them somewhere? I don't understand how you'd have to be with her if you did that. Pick the kids up, bring them to the beach/movie/wherever and drop them off. Pretty simple. Or am I missing something?
I don't have to be with her to do that. I never said I had to. I just need to make the arrangements with dss, however, I would, likely see her when I picked them up. I wouldn't expect her to have them waiting by the curb for a fly by grab and go.
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I have five as well, and although my husband passed away four years ago, my mother and father in-law still make a big effort to visit/call/e-mail my kids even though they live three hours away. Can't imagine having young kids that KNOW their grandma wants nothing to do with them. Kids can and do pick up on things pretty easily and like I said, it'd be rather sad for a kid to have to realize grandma doesn't want to have a relationship with them. I know mine would be very hurt if their grandma (who lives in a different state) didn't ever visit or speak with them, much less a grandma who lives two miles away.
