Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Did it ever occur to you that your problems with your DS could be related to your colld-hearted view and approach to relationships?
I've found it interesting that she's referred to him as dss throughout this thread - in other words, emphasizing the fact that he's her step son - and yet she raised him from the age of four? I think in most families, if a child is that young, and if his mom has walked out, and the stepmom is the only mom he has - then the stepmom becomes the mom. Right?
So to continually refer to him as a step son, over and over in this thread? It just seems to point to the idea that she's not that close to him. So maybe it's not surprising that she's also not close to his children?
Not every woman is cut out to be a mother or a grandmother, and that's fine! But I think the original poster needs to accept that about herself, and stop trying to place all the blame on her daughter-in-law. It almost always takes two to tango!
If there were a way to see the kids and avoid her, I'd take it....
Honestly, them coming by to visit, like we did our grandparents, or us going over there makes more sense during the school year.
You can't have it both ways
Since you two have a toxic relationship I'm going to guess that option number one would be the most agreeable to both of you.
Quote:
I just need to make the arrangements with dss, however, I would, likely see her when I picked them up. I wouldn't expect her to have them waiting by the curb for a fly by grab and go.
Lots of divorced parents have an arrangement similar to this. When I'd pick my kids up from a weekend at their dad's I'd simply knock on the door at a pre arranged time and go wait in the car while my ex helped the kids get their gear ready to go. Minimal contact.
Quote:
I find it funny that people are arguing about my not having seen the baby and are totally forgetting that she's made it clear I'm not welcome in her house. The baby isn't the issue here. The kids who are old enough for the curb side pick up are.
I tend to agree with you on this somewhat. Not that I think not seeing the baby is ok, but that it is just a secondary issue to the matter of continuing your relationships with the older kids. If you can work that out then the relationship with the baby would work itself out in time.
If it were me, at this point I would NOT agree to a rotating schedule that makes you feel obligated. I would call DS and let him know that you would be happy to spend time with the kids when your schedule allows. Let him know a week or two ahead of time that you and your family will be doing such and such an activity and you'd love to include one or two of the kids if possible. Ask him to get back to you and let you know if/when it would be convenient for you to pick them up. Put the ball back in her court. You can always come back and rethink your strategy if she digs her heels in and refuses anything other than a rotating schedule. If she realizes you aren't going to cave in to her demands she might be willing to compromise in order to get a couple of the kids out of her hair for at least a few hours.
Then she should see that herself and stop popping out babies. She shouldnt expect anyone to help her. To me it seems more along the lines of 'You made your bed now lie in it'.
I actually agree with Ivory. After the 2nd, its a rerun. Same drill. Out pops the baby, here comes the diapers, waah waaah, spitupspitup...Nothing new. Ivory seems to have her own hands full as it is without becoming a rotating babysitter to a looney DIL.
I figure she knows the drill. She must be prepared to deal with it of she wouldn't have chose it. I don't get it, personally. I wouldn't keep having babies but it's her life. I just don't think I owe her anything because she has 5 kids and is, effectively, a single mother. This is what she chose. It's not like she had no idea what it's like to handle multiple kids and a newborn or dss just switched jobs and now travels for work. This is all old news. This is a rerun of #3 and #4 and #6 (already planned ) will be a rerun of #5. This is not the life I chose. It's the life she chose. I'm going to assume the best and assume that she can actually handle her choices in life.
I couldn't take a lot of small kids on a regular basis. I couldn't do it when I had kids, I couldn't do it when I babysat for others, and I won't be able to do it when I'm a grandma. I know my limits and live by them.
I've found it interesting that she's referred to him as dss throughout this thread - in other words, emphasizing the fact that he's her step son - and yet she raised him from the age of four? I think in most families, if a child is that young, and if his mom has walked out, and the stepmom is the only mom he has - then the stepmom becomes the mom. Right?
So to continually refer to him as a step son, over and over in this thread? It just seems to point to the idea that she's not that close to him. So maybe it's not surprising that she's also not close to his children?
Not every woman is cut out to be a mother or a grandmother, and that's fine! But I think the original poster needs to accept that about herself, and stop trying to place all the blame on her daughter-in-law. It almost always takes two to tango!
No. My step father was in the picture since I was 2. He was not my only dad. Whether I'm mom is up to the boys. I was mom to both of them until they had kids of their own. Then they both started calling me by my first name and stopped calling on mothers day. It's hard for them. Their mother chose to not be in their lives. Mother's day is a painful reminder of that and it's something tough to deal wiht now that they are parents. I have no issue being mom, step mom, their dad's wife or grandma. They have to choose the relationship though.
Seriously, other than not calling her during the separation, loaning him the money for the lawyer when he filed for divorce, and asking her to stay out of a situation with my dd (and I asked very nicely), I've never done anything to her. From my perspective, I've never done anything to her. It wasn't my place to call her before dss informed her he'd filed, he's my dh's son and has been in my life since he was 4, of course we loaned him the money under the circumstances and offered him a place to stay when in town and she doesn't know the real situation with dd so she needs to keep her nose out of it. I have no idea why she blew up the way she did when asked to back off with dd and just encourage dd to talk to her therapist. The one good thing to come out of the lack of contact is that dd is doing much better in her therapy.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-23-2011 at 12:44 AM..
I couldn't take a lot of small kids on a regular basis. I couldn't do it when I had kids, I couldn't do it when I babysat for others, and I won't be able to do it when I'm a grandma. I know my limits and live by them.
This is one of my problems. People think that because I can deal with a class of 30 11th graders I should be able to deal with 4 pre/grade school children. NO SO. Totally different can of worms. The only way I can deal with all four is to have my girls each take two. I have two kids for a reason. I couldn't handle 5.
I have such mixed feelings after reading this, and seeing my possible future through IT's eyes. I wonder how many of those babies were attempts to get the attention of not IT and her husband, but DSS? How could any wife handle her husband being gone for so many weeks without a strong support system?
I don't think I would handle several young grandchildren, as a group, on a regular basis. I just know I am not the type to get into entertaining little kids, and that's just being honest. I believe IT might be the same way, with even less of an impetus, since the DIL will not appreciate her efforts, and these are not biological grandchildren to whom she would feel a certain obligation.
But, IT, if there is anything to be gained by fostering a relationship with these kids, either for your husband, or your stepson, or your own daughters, you need to do your part. I know you have been concerned about your daughter's behavior. Maybe spending time with some young children would be the best thing that could happen in her case.
But, all this should not fall on your shoulders. I get your reluctance. It is hard to keep giving when there is nothing acknowledged. DSS and DH definitely need to step up. DSS should be there much more than he is. In his absence, DH should take over. After all, these children have a regular female presence in their lives. Not so much a male figure.
I think grandparents are a nice bonus. They are not necessary for a child to thrive.
To be honest, given the way their lives are structured, I really wonder why they keep having kids. I just shake my head. It's their life, not mine so I guess I'll leave them to it. I agree on no male figure in their lives but visiting us once a month isn't going to help there. I'm not sure what can be done there. Dss earns a very nice paycheck but that's all he is to her and the kids. A visiting paycheck. He pays the bills and is around every few weekends for a couple of days. Other than that, they talk on the phone. The economy being what it is, I don't see him getting a 9-5 job any time soon. Given he's not around, I don't get her spreading herself so thin but this is what she insists on. They argue about every baby and then they have one. Her argument is he should let her have as many as she wants because he's not here raising them anyway. I just scratch my head.... It's their life to live not mine.
no one is asking her to be a full-time sitter, only to spend some time with her grand kids during the summer while she's off work.
Her question is "what does she owe her DSS and DIL?" She doesn't "owe" them anything, but she should WANT to spend time with her grand kids. She obviously doesn't.
Actually, I'd love to spend time with the kids. I just don't want to spend time with their mother and I don't want to get sucked into a rotating schedule where I have grandchildren expecting me to come when I know my life won't allow that after the summer.
I agree on no male figure in their lives but visiting us once a month isn't going to help there. I'm not sure what can be done there.
What's up with your husband? Why can he only see the grandchildren when you have time? I understand that you are busy throughout the school year, but that's no reason your DH can't be an active grandparent in their lives since they only live 2 miles away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
Actually, I'd love to spend time with the kids. I just don't want to spend time with their mother and I don't want to get sucked into a rotating schedule where I have grandchildren expecting me to come when I know my life won't allow that after the summer.
You let them know that summers are their special time to spend time with grandmother because that's when you have off work. You tell them that everytime you see them in the summer. (Not the negative of not being able to see them later but the positive of how great it is to have extra time in the summer.) Then the last time you see them before the start of the school year, you tell them that summer is over and you will be busy with work, that you'll miss them, you'll see them when possible, and you're looking forward to next summer when you can spend lots of time with them again.
What's up with your husband? Why can he only see the grandchildren when you have time? I understand that you are busy throughout the school year, but that's no reason your DH can't be an active grandparent in their lives since they only live 2 miles away.
You let them know that summers are their special time to spend time with grandmother because that's when you have off work. You tell them that everytime you see them in the summer. (Not the negative of not being able to see them later but the positive of how great it is to have extra time in the summer.) Then the last time you see them before the start of the school year, you tell them that summer is over and you will be busy with work, that you'll miss them, you'll see them when possible, and you're looking forward to next summer when you can spend lots of time with them again.
Dh would like to grandparent the way his parents did. The kids come visit him then go home and a couple of times a year, you do something with them. There is no requirement to achieve a certain activity level when it comes to grandparenting. Dh's take is that the kids are dss's and ddil's to raise. He's happy being a spectator.
Good point on me being the one to tell them summer is over. Who knows what she'd tell them.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I figure she knows the drill. She must be prepared to deal with it of she wouldn't have chose it. I don't get it, personally. I wouldn't keep having babies but it's her life. I just don't think I owe her anything because she has 5 kids and is, effectively, a single mother. This is what she chose. It's not like she had no idea what it's like to handle multiple kids and a newborn or dss just switched jobs and now travels for work. This is all old news. This is a rerun of #3 and #4 and #6 (already planned 
) will be a rerun of #5. This is not the life I chose. It's the life she chose. I'm going to assume the best and assume that she can actually handle her choices in life.
It's their life to live not mine.