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Yes, I'm serious. Pedophiles are more likely to be attracted to women with children. That's why incidence of sexual abuse goes up something like 39 times when mom starts dating. Sorry but mom dating or having a step father are risk factors for abuse. 1) Pedophiles will target women with children. 2) the step father/boy friend is not bonded to the children and has no biologal tie to the children. 3) the mother who is actively dating isn't putting her kids first. Yes, I'm serious. The world won't end if mom doesn't date but it just might end for the kids if she does.
I also know from experience that mom moving on to a new family with her new husband is not beneficial to the children she already has.
Actually, it's not. The children and what is best for them should come first.
The best thing for a child, is a physically, mentally, socially, and intellectually healthy, well-adjusted mother.
Kids don't need martyrs for moms. If mom has no -desire- to date..then more power to her. If mom is *picky* about who she dates, even better. But mom completely sacrificing adult intimacy, specifically for the sake of her children is unhealthy. (meaning, if she's sacrificing it for her own inner growth, AND for the sake of her children, then fine. She's doing it for HER, and SHE should be #1 in her life).
The best thing for a child, is a physically, mentally, socially, and intellectually healthy, well-adjusted mother.
Kids don't need martyrs for moms. If mom has no -desire- to date..then more power to her. If mom is *picky* about who she dates, even better. But mom completely sacrificing adult intimacy, specifically for the sake of her children is unhealthy. (meaning, if she's sacrificing it for her own inner growth, AND for the sake of her children, then fine. She's doing it for HER, and SHE should be #1 in her life).
Why does mom need to date to be well adjusted? I would think a woman who HAS to date is the opposite of well adjusted.
Why is it unhealthy? I've known adults who went their entire adult lives without intimacy. I'd question the mental health of someone who just HAS to be in an intimate relationship. In fact, I'd go as far as to tell them they should try staying out of one for a while.
Statistically speaking, people tend to repeat their mistakes if they start dating within a year of a break up. Children NEED adjustment time after their parents break up. They NEED to know they come first and they will be taken care of. I just don't see sharing mom with her new love interest as accomplishing any of this.
The world doesn't end if you decide not to date for a few years and that may very well be what is best for the children. Their need is for mom to build them a stable home. Dating is, inherently, unstable unless mom just happens to find Mr. Right on the first try and that's not likely.
The best thing for a child, is a physically, mentally, socially, and intellectually healthy, well-adjusted mother.
Kids don't need martyrs for moms. If mom has no -desire- to date..then more power to her. If mom is *picky* about who she dates, even better. But mom completely sacrificing adult intimacy, specifically for the sake of her children is unhealthy. (meaning, if she's sacrificing it for her own inner growth, AND for the sake of her children, then fine. She's doing it for HER, and SHE should be #1 in her life).
A physically, socially, intellectually healthy and well adjusted mother doesn't NEED to date. And mom doesn't have to be a martyr. Why does not dating make her a martyr?
Seriously, the kids NEED mom to get it together and take care of them. There will be time for mom's love life later. AFTER the kids have had a long adjustment period and are ready to share mom.
Seriously, I would not have considered dating had dh and I gone through with the divorce. I'm a child of divorce myself. My mom remarried when I was 5. While my step dad was a great guy, the good doesn't offset the bad in most cases. If I had to have a step dad, mom picked a great one but I didn't NEED a step dad. I'm glad she picked a good one but I never NEEDED one in the first place.
The risk of abuse aside, parents dating is not FOR the children. It's FOR the parents and that can be problematic for the children. Here's a quote from a University of Missouri article on parents dating:
"
Ahrons found that most of the children she studied consider their parents’ dating lives strange. It is rarely easy for children to witness their parents dating. Parents may enjoy the courtship process, but children may worry about how the process will change their lives.
Children age 5 to 10 are more possessive of their mother than older children. They may feel threatened or resentful at having to share their mothers with new men. Older children resent seeing their mothers showing affection to other men. Dealing with their mothers’ overt sexuality can be troubling and confusing for teens. For example, one child in the study said he thought his mother was “behaving like a teenager.”
Like it or not, a dating parent is putting themselves first. As a parent, I don't understand that. Unless you're the non custodial parent and you're alone a lot. I can see looking for companionship then but if you're the custodial parent, you've got your hands full with kids who are reeling from the separation and they need your undivided attention.
However, if mom is going to date, she needs to be VERY PICKY. Personally, I'd have to know a guy a LONG TIME before I'd consider dating him if I had kids at home.
FTR, my plan was to join a divorce support group that had a lot of group activities. There are ways to make sure you have the companionship you need without dating.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-26-2011 at 02:40 PM..
Okay, so first we have the argument that a mom should never date until her kids are grown and gone because all men see children as baggage that are to be abused. Then the argument morphs to women should wait a few years to help their children feel more secure (which I tend to agree with). What I don't understand is why that reasoning is only being applied to the parent who has full custody. Wouldn't they be concerned that Other Parent has just moved on and forgotten them?
AND, I can't help but wonder, Ivory, what do you think about women who date and maybe even marry men who have children ("baggage", as you put it earlier) from a prior relationship? Is it okay as long as he doesn't have full custody? Double standard? It's not just men who can be abusive to other people's children. There are some very crappy stepmothers out there too.
Okay, so first we have the argument that a mom should never date until her kids are grown and gone because all men see children as baggage that are to be abused. Then the argument morphs to women should wait a few years to help their children feel more secure (which I tend to agree with). What I don't understand is why that reasoning is only being applied to the parent who has full custody. Wouldn't they be concerned that Other Parent has just moved on and forgotten them?
AND, I can't help but wonder, Ivory, what do you think about women who date and maybe even marry men who have children ("baggage", as you put it earlier) from a prior relationship? Is it okay as long as he doesn't have full custody? Double standard? It's not just men who can be abusive to other people's children. There are some very crappy stepmothers out there too.
Ideally, mom shouldn't date until the kids are grown, however, most women won't wait. Waiting until the kids are stable is, at least, a compromise that puts them first for a while before mom resumes her love life.
As to dads, the risks are not the same but there is the issue of children having to compete with a new love interest for dads attention and that is not a good thing and there is always the risk of a step mother treating them like red headed step children. Not all step mothers are loving towards their step children.
Parents dating just isn't good for kids and parents need to consider that. Ideally, a good parent would put their kids first. I understand that most won't. Most will put their love lives first. If you're going to do that, at least, give your kids a few years to get stable after a divorce before doing so.
People want to believe that parents dating and remarrying is good for kids because it's what they want but it's not good for kids. It's just what parents want. I couldn't, in good conscience, put my wants above my children's needs. Even without considering the risk of abuse, it's hard on kids to deal with parents who are dating.
BTW, this is all from experience. I'm a child of divorce, my mom remarried a great guy but it was still a major adjustment and I've been a step mother. If I had it to do again, I would not have dated dh let alone married him. There was nothing in this for the kids. Back then we were young and naive. We had this idea that a two parent houshold with a step parent was better than a single parent household with a parent. Looking back, I would say, two parent household with both parents is #1, a single parent household with one parent is #2 and step parent situation #3 and a blended family where both parents have kids from previous relationships a distant #4.
Anyone forget that a little girl was beaten to death? The wheres and whys of dating do not address the reasoning that this child was returned to that mother.
As I said - a woman who doesn't WANT to date, and chooses not to date, is not what I see as a problem. A woman who DOES want to date, and WANTS intimacy with a mate, and WANTS a partnership, and sets aside a normal, natural, human desire (intimacy with someone other than Mr. Plastic in the nighstand drawer), is not benefiting her children, and could in fact be doing harm to them.
There's a difference between boinking every male who shows interest, and developing an intimate, TRUSTING relationship with somoene over time. If you fail to understand the difference, then I would admit that you are right - YOU should not date, ever again.
Anyone forget that a little girl was beaten to death? The wheres and whys of dating do not address the reasoning that this child was returned to that mother.
You're absolutely right, and I apologize for getting off topic from the OP.
I think it's horrible that the child was returned to the mother! There is this reasoning that a mother is the best place for children to be with, and way too often that is far, far, far from the truth.
You're absolutely right, and I apologize for getting off topic from the OP.
I think it's horrible that the child was returned to the mother! There is this reasoning that a mother is the best place for children to be with, and way too often that is far, far, far from the truth.
Very true. Not every mother has her children's best interest at heart. This is one where both the mother and the system failed the child.
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