Advice needed ASAP

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by military_dad

I have custody of my two children from a previous marriage. Both girls, ages 13 and 11. They were removed from their mother because of abuse by their mother’s boyfriend, who is also facing criminal charges because of what he did to my 11 year old. The mother has broken up with him, however with her financial position, I doubt she will ever get our kids back, and is currently not allowed visits with them, as she tried to hide what her boyfriend was doing to them.

I was remarried about 1 ½ years ago to a woman who is 11 years younger than me. She had no children of her own and at the time we were married, I did not have custody of my two. I got custody of my two 9 months ago. Before we were married, my new wife was excellent to my kids whenever we would visit with them. She would play games with them, take them swimming, shopping, etc. the things that I think a step-parent should do. After we were married, we took the girls for 5 weeks over summer and once again, she was excellent with them. A few weeks after we returned my kids to their mother, they were removed from her care and placed with me full time.

Since then, it seems things have deteriorated. My new wife now treats my children like garbage. I don’t know what to do to either correct her behavior toward them, or to call it quits. She has never hit them or done anything else physical to them, it has all been verbal. She acts like she is their actual biological mother, not their step-mother. The kids don’t call her mom, or step-mom, they refer to her by her first name. I have tried talking with them one-on-one and they won’t give me a straight answer. Whenever the wife talks to them, they give her dirty looks and usually won’t say anything. The wife then blames me in that I’m not disciplining them enough and not getting them to “love her”. She has called them “stupid”, “ungrateful” and yells at them all the time. It seems there is never any civility in our home when it comes to the kids. The kids are both ADHD which can be challenging at times. They have both had all of their toys taken away and when I give something back to them, I am made to seem like the bad-guy for giving in to their behavior. My older daughter likes to read books a lot and the wife will get extremely upset that she is being ignored by her.

My job currently has me working the night shift, so I am sleeping during the day when the wife is up with the kids taking care of them. I haven’t noticed anything physical, but I am worried that something may happen in the future. The wife says she is constantly stressed to the breaking point and doesn’t know what to do with them. I have tried talking to her on numerous occasions and she will improve her attitude toward them for a few days, and then they will do something that sets her off again and we go through it all over again until I have another talk with her. It seems like a never ending cycle.

I need some advice on how to proceed with this. I won’t lose my children, have I waited long enough for her behavior to change or should I keep trying to stick it out with her. Now that it’s summer break for the kids, I only fear that it will get worse.

I find it strange(almost unbelievable) that your wife becomes "extremely upset)when your daughter refuses to interact with her rather than read her book....I also find it somewhat disconcerting when you say "She acts like she is their actual biological mother".....I feel that you dad, may actually be taking your kids side against her, rather than giving your wife the support she really needs....She's only been a "mother" for 9 months....you need to be more compassionate to her needs as well as those of your children.....she is now dealing (on a daily basis....not like a summer holiday) with children who've already been truamatized by your ex wife and her bf....you should cut her some slack...your children need to know that you love and support their "new Mother"before they can ever feel that trust as well....You two need to be united with your discipline and your children need to know that........good luck to you, I wish your children well.

[dr74]

Directed towards the OP..

I am going to be diplomatic when addressing this issue because I can see there are issues on both sides..

First I would like to commend you for taking charge of your two daughters, you as their father should have, they seem to have gone through alot from their step father as well as having ADHD...that is a tough pill to swallow..

Childs perspective? Okay they both are ready to hit puberty if they havent already..this is a hard age for all children..hormones can amplify these issues and guidance, patience and love go a long way.. Two innocent children, I say this because either of them did not ask to come into this world and have their worlds turned upside down by divorce, living in a hostile environment with their mom and a step dad whom is abusive...

Childrens first taste of love and trust begin with their parents..If their OWN mother is covering up for a man whom is abusing them? They have begun to lose trust in one of the two people who nurtured them from birth..
So compounded with their ADHD they are struggling with arrested development...

Your current wife? I do not know your age but I am thinking you are around mid 30's to mid-forties...this would make your wife very young regardless and having no children of her own she is probably overwhelmed..

You have to remember that every individual is different and she most likely cam into the relationship with her own mindset, values and morals, the way she was raised, what was tolerated in her home and so forth..all these dynamics impact the family and marriage...
And while being nice and having fun with your daughters from time to time and even spending five weeks with them is nothing compared to everyday life..And while SHE should have known that when she married you that it was a package deal the fact that your children lived primarily with their mother she took her role as step mom lightly and based her responsibility to weekends, visits and summers..or whatever your arrangement was..

The fact that you work nights and sleep all day and she deal with your daughters is probably hard and being that it has only been 9 months? Your new wife was thrown into mothering 2 girls with ADHD and issues from their previous residence..how fair is this to her? She is topped out, at her wits end and her ineffective way of dealing with it isnt helping..

You? Well these are YOUR children and YOUR children should always coem first but by allowing this issue to come in between your marriage and making your wife feel like the bad guy that cannot deal with your daughters? Tell me how is this working for you?

I am by no means saying that your daughters should be suspected to verbal abuse this is not ok..for your daughters to give her dirty looks and resent her? Totally normal based on your wifes behavior they are probably thinking "Here we go again"

If this were me? I would seek family therapy and separate therapy for the girls to get their issues out regarding their step dad..you need to establish a open dialogue with your wife and listen to her and seek couples therapy as well...this family needs to heal first before anything can occur..

The question is are you up for the challenge?

[gimme it]

Wife needs counseling, the kids need counseling, you need counseling and the whole family needs counseling together. Everyone has had a huge adjustment. The kids have been abused, and they require patience and kindness.

[gimme it]

I don't know if someone else has suggested this, but look for camps for the girls. They shouldn't be in the house all summer.