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Old 07-06-2011, 07:45 AM
 
42,732 posts, read 29,762,258 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GatorMama View Post
Sorry, no, I do not buy this. How does one forget they have a child?
They don't forget they have a child.

They forget that this morning the other parent had a doctor's appointment or a job interview or a sick relative, and so, unlike every other day, that child is in the car needing to be dropped off.

People get distracted, people fall into routines. Just like forgetting to unplug the coffee maker can have dire consequences. If in your house it's normally your partner's task to unplug that coffee maker, you're more likely to forget it when the task falls to you. If it's normally your partner's task to pick up the kids after school, you're more likely to forget it when the task falls to you. If it's normally your partner's task to drop the baby off at daycare, you're more likely to forget it when the task falls to you. Routines are hard-wired into us, and our brains rely on those routines, impose those routines. That's why when someone is giving up smoking, it's important that they understand their routines, understand that certain things trigger lighting up a cigarette, and that they have to be alert to those triggers. That's why parenting articles suggest putting your briefcase or purse or thermos or whatever you carry with you in the backseat with the child when the routine is changed and it's the uncharacteristic parent transporting the child. Because routine is so pervasive in all our lives that we need to thoughtfully find ways to alert ourselves when we change our routines.

While it may be hard to imagine forgetting a child, a sleeping baby doesn't make a lot of noise. In the early morning, when we're still waking up, a protracted drive where the route to the daycare is almost identical to the route to the workplace, someone stressed and focused on other problems, routines can simply take over. We live in world that's full of stress, where we are always rushing to get to places on time, and routines help us cope with the rest of our lives.

Yes, it's hard to understand that a parent could be so distracted. But I've attended kids sports events where I've seen parents on their cell phones, talking to the office, completely distracted. I've seen parents talking to neighbors while Johnny rides his bike in the street, completely distracted and unaware. We've all heard about mothers out swimming in the pool with their children, who hear the phone ringing, or the dryer buzzer going off, or the doorbell rings, and they step away for just a minute, and something terrible happens. I think many parents may point their fingers, and whisper about negligent, bad parents, because the truth is that all of us get distracted, all of us have moments when bad things could happen. But that's too scary, so when bad things do happen, we blame the negligent unthinking mother or father. They had to be a terrible parent, for something terrible to happen. Which makes it less likely that anything terrible will happen to our own children, because that's too awful a possibility to contemplate.
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Old 07-06-2011, 11:19 AM
 
834 posts, read 2,676,838 times
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I heard a case recently where a loving mother would usually go straight to work. Her husband would leave the kids at daycare. One day, her husband was out on a business trip. She went to work and in the middle of the day called daycare to check on the kids and see how they are doing. Well, when the lady told her the kids didn't go to daycare that day, she panic and realized they were still in her car! They died strapped to their car seats.

Yes, unfortunately these accidents can happen. The poor woman was in auto-pilot and forgot her dear kids. She's now in mental facility b/c she couldn't stand what she had done. I do not excuse it, it's terrible...but in our busy lives, in can happen.

On the other hand, I have no empathy for people who just leave the kids in the car "for a few minutes" while they go in and out of a store. They can get heat exhaustion and/or die, the car can get stolen with the kids inside, etc etc
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Old 07-06-2011, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
18,372 posts, read 31,488,046 times
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[quote=carlitasway;19888272]You mentioned things, not life. Even in auto-pilot I remember where my kids are.[/quote]


yes I agree !!!

I have 3 boys and trust me when they were little, there was no way they could have been forgotten in a car!!! Little children do make sounds and noises.


I too don't buy the crap about auto pilot, not the routine, and all that other lame crap.

As a parent I can't understand how you could even remotely forget your children are in the back seat!!! Give me a break...

Guilty, the parent is guilty.
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Old 07-06-2011, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
18,372 posts, read 31,488,046 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Houston_2010 View Post
I heard a case recently where a loving mother would usually go straight to work. Her husband would leave the kids at daycare. One day, her husband was out on a business trip. She went to work and in the middle of the day called daycare to check on the kids and see how they are doing. Well, when the lady told her the kids didn't go to daycare that day, she panic and realized they were still in her car! They died strapped to their car seats.

Yes, unfortunately these accidents can happen. The poor woman was in auto-pilot and forgot her dear kids. She's now in mental facility b/c she couldn't stand what she had done. I do not excuse it, it's terrible...but in our busy lives, in can happen.

On the other hand, I have no empathy for people who just leave the kids in the car "for a few minutes" while they go in and out of a store. They can get heat exhaustion and/or die, the car can get stolen with the kids inside, etc etc

Wasn't that on Oprah a few years ago. The lady went to work and forgot the kids in the back because it wasnt her who drove them all the time.

I said then, she was GUILTY, she was too busy thinking about going to worked bringing the other co workers donughts....

she should have been jailed for murder.

no compassion for neglectful parents here. zero !
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Old 07-06-2011, 01:41 PM
 
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DC at the Ridge...forgetting a doctors appointment...or to unplug the coffee pot...is NOT at all the same as forgetting you have a child in the car.......whereas I do feel compassion for the poor unfortunates who've made the huge mistake of leaving children in the car....I can in no way find any excuse that would in the smallest way condone such a catastrophic error on their part.
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Old 07-06-2011, 02:03 PM
 
42,732 posts, read 29,762,258 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
DC at the Ridge...forgetting a doctors appointment...or to unplug the coffee pot...is NOT at all the same as forgetting you have a child in the car.......whereas I do feel compassion for the poor unfortunates who've made the huge mistake of leaving children in the car....I can in no way find any excuse that would in the smallest way condone such a catastrophic error on their part.
All I've argued for is compassion. And I would point out that no one condones errors or accidents. The only acts others can condone or not are deliberate acts. While I totally agree with an earlier poster who condemns people who deliberately choose to leave the kids in the car "for just a minute", I recognize that many of these incidents that make the news are not about a deliberate act by the parent, but a tragic mistake. On top of the terrible loss they experience in losing a child, I cannot, in good conscience, stand in judgment over them, and condemn them for absent-mindedness.

And as I stated earlier, I truly do think that many people condemn not because it's rational to do so, but because emotionally we care so much for our children that we have a need to assert that this could never happen to me. And maybe that's true, maybe some of us never, ever lose track of a child. But I don't know any mothers who've never had a scare, and while it's the scares that remind us that the responsibility of raising a child is profound and serious, sometimes those scares simply don't have happy endings.
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Old 07-06-2011, 02:15 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,587,789 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DC at the Ridge View Post
All I've argued for is compassion. And I would point out that no one condones errors or accidents. The only acts others can condone or not are deliberate acts. While I totally agree with an earlier poster who condemns people who deliberately choose to leave the kids in the car "for just a minute", I recognize that many of these incidents that make the news are not about a deliberate act by the parent, but a tragic mistake. On top of the terrible loss they experience in losing a child, I cannot, in good conscience, stand in judgment over them, and condemn them for absent-mindedness.

And as I stated earlier, I truly do think that many people condemn not because it's rational to do so, but because emotionally we care so much for our children that we have a need to assert that this could never happen to me. And maybe that's true, maybe some of us never, ever lose track of a child. But I don't know any mothers who've never had a scare, and while it's the scares that remind us that the responsibility of raising a child is profound and serious, sometimes those scares simply don't have happy endings.
I agree. I do feel outrage at the stupid things parents do, like leaving their kids in a hot car, but I can't imagine anything as horrible as the guilt a parent must feel when his or her child dies due to something that parent did. Drownings, hot cars (heat stroke), strangling on a mini blind cord ... I saw the beginning of a documentary where a father had accidentally backed over his toddler and killed him ... How could a parent with a soul survive that? It's horrible to contemplate.
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Old 07-06-2011, 06:46 PM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
2,353 posts, read 4,636,786 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pythonis View Post
when i was a kid i was left in the car countless times. now it seems like society has put all kids into some figurative protective bubble. i just dont get it.
There's a huge difference in leaving a child old enough to open the door and walk into the store in a car, and leaving an infant or toddler, strapped in a car seat, in a car.

There's no "protective bubble" here; it's recognizing that cars can quickly get hot enough to kill a child in just a few minutes.
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Old 07-06-2011, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,980 posts, read 14,521,119 times
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This happened to a friend of mine. She arrived at a destination filled with children she knew, and who her children knew. They all jumped out the car and she closed and locked the doors with her remote as she was walking away. The kids (her 9 and 12 year-olds) ran off to play with their friends, and it was only after 1 1/2 hours she realized her daughter wasn't there. She is a good mother, a teacher, and usually hyper-vigilant. The kicker is the child was 5, and quite capable under normal circumstances of getting out of the car, but she panicked and just sat in a ball and cried. Luckily the car was parked in the shade, but in Atlanta summer it was still hot inside. The little girl was over-heated and dehydrated, but okay.

It can and does happen to anyone.
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Old 07-06-2011, 07:24 PM
 
1,677 posts, read 2,480,213 times
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There is a difference between absentmindedness or a stupid mistake, and willful disregard. Auto pilot does happen. I can't count how many times I've meant to stop at the bank or the store or somewhere after work, but was so used to driving that route home that that's where my car automatically took me, right past wherever I meant to stop. I've never forgotten my kid was in the car, but she is part of my everyday routine so I wouldn't. I can see how someone might though.

There was a case I heard about where a mom, grandma, and kids were all in the car together, grandma dropped the mom and kids off at home, the mom got out and left the baby in the backseat, maybe assuming grandma was babysitting that night, or some miscommunication between them, but the grandma then drove on home and got out the car, leaving the baby alone in there all night. In this case, it was the middle of winter, so the baby ended up with hypothermia and frostbite. I think she lost some toes due to frostbite, but she lived. The mom and grandma were adamant that this was an accident, and I believe it was. An accident that shouldn't have happened, but they definitely didn't mean to leave the baby in the car all alone, all night, in subzero temperatures.

Now when I hear about the mom that left her kids in the hot car for hours while she was in the beauty salon getting her hair done, or the one about the dad that left his child in the car in the strip club parking lot...those are the people I have ZERO empathy for.
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