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Well the problem is that I don't think that my brother/sis in law think that the kids are behaving all that badly. In fact, I think they think they are actually behaving pretty well "considering that they are out of their element and wound up", as they put it.
This last visit, my brother approached me and said "What is John's problem? Why is he being such a jerk?" This was in response to my husband John telling the kids to stop running around the house, terrorizing the dogs, banging on the doors, etc.
So I have my husband pissed off because these kids are not behaving properly in our house.
I have my bro/sis in law pissed off b/c my husband is getting angry/in bad mood with their kids.
And I am hiding in a corner with high blood pressure.
I don't think my brother and sis-in-law "gets it".
And what was your reply to your brother when he called your husband a "jerk"? Your brother's letting his kids run wild and insulting your husband in his own home. I know it's tough to be in the middle of two people you care a lot about, but your husband is right and you need to back him up on this.
Would it be possible to make the visits shorter, since you mention they behave the first couple of days?
How about a hotel for them? Or maybe you & your husband could go visit them and stay in a hotel? Another option might be to meet halfway and everyone stays in a hotel. This way you'd still see them, but you wouldn't have to have your house trashed.
If you still want them to stay with you in your home, as soon as the next visit is planned, you need to address it with your brother. You can start by saying you want everyone to have a good visit and you want to avoid tension. And then go over what kind of behavior you expect. If they still misbehave after that, then I would shorten visits or insist on one of the hotel options.
And what was your reply to your brother when he called your husband a "jerk"? Your brother's letting his kids run wild and insulting your husband in his own home. I know it's tough to be in the middle of two people you care a lot about, but your husband is right and you need to back him up on this.
Would it be possible to make the visits shorter, since you mention they behave the first couple of days?
How about a hotel for them? Or maybe you & your husband could go visit them and stay in a hotel? Another option might be to meet halfway and everyone stays in a hotel. This way you'd still see them, but you wouldn't have to have your house trashed.
If you still want them to stay with you in your home, as soon as the next visit is planned, you need to address it with your brother. You can start by saying you want everyone to have a good visit and you want to avoid tension. And then go over what kind of behavior you expect. If they still misbehave after that, then I would shorten visits or insist on one of the hotel options.
If the OP is still around I predict she or another poster might bring up the cost of a hotel. I talked to a therapist about our similar situation. To make it worthwhile to pay for plane tickets and to keep a trip home affordable, we felt like we needed to stay for at least a week and stay with my parents or my in-laws. My therapist gave another perspective. If it takes staying for 4 days instead of a week and/or staying at a hotel to make the visit enjoyable, then it is worth the money.
I wonder how much enjoyment any of the OP's family is getting out of these visits. Maybe 1 or 2 visits/year in a neutral location would work better for everyone.
Had my brother's kids over to the house for a few days. My brother lives in another state and they don't come to visit that often, about 2-3 times a year. This is the third time that he allows his kids (ages 5 and 8) to engage in behavior that my husband does not think is appropriate. My opinion is that they are just kids and we need to be tolerant. Can someone tell me who is right?
My brother and sister in law, when they come visit, essentially "check out" and allow the kids to do the following in my house:
1. Run around the house over and over at high speeds and knocking things over and breaking things.
2. Opening and closing and slamming doors for no reason.
3. Banging and throwing things against the glass sliding door.
4. Otherwise touching things they should not be touching, playing with the faucets, smearing food on my furniture, etc.
My husband says: "If they behave like that at home, fine. But I was taught that when you are a guest at someone's house, you are supposed to be on your best behavior. And it's like they don't care what they do when they come visit. Which is not right."
My husband gets into a very bad mood when they behave this way, and this causes friction between me and him and my relatives.
I agree with your husband.
lil kids shouldn't be expected to just sit silently, but they're old enough to know appropriate manners.
B. I would never EVER let children into my house. I am childfree and I have 'spensive thangs around.
The brother and his demonspawn should be thrown out and told "when your...ahem...children can behave like something other than sh*t-slinging chimps at the zoo, they will be welcome and so will you. Until that day comes, don't bring them over. Ever."
B. I would never EVER let children into my house. I am childfree and I have 'spensive thangs around.
The brother and his demonspawn should be thrown out and told "when your...ahem...children can behave like something other than sh*t-slinging chimps at the zoo, they will be welcome and so will you. Until that day comes, don't bring them over. Ever."
Well, aren't you special.
You might want to reread your post. On one hand you said you would "never EVER" let children into your house and then you follow it up by saying you would tell your (hypothetical) brother that if his kids behaved they would be welcome...
Logic apparently isn't your strong suit. Hope you enjoy your 'spensive thangs.
You might want to reread your post. On one hand you said you would "never EVER" let children into your house and then you follow it up by saying you would tell your (hypothetical) brother that if his kids behaved they would be welcome...
Logic apparently isn't your strong suit. Hope you enjoy your 'spensive thangs.
Please, read for content. I was not saying what *I* would do in the second sentence, I was offering advice to the OP. If I had a sibling with children, their children would not enter my house. Ever.
I indeed, enjoy my 'spensive thangs. Mostly guitars and amps, but computers and nice electronics as well. In addition, I would NEVER expose my cats to children. The trauma would have them under the bed for weeks.
Well the problem is that I don't think that my brother/sis in law think that the kids are behaving all that badly. In fact, I think they think they are actually behaving pretty well "considering that they are out of their element and wound up", as they put it.
This last visit, my brother approached me and said "What is John's problem? Why is he being such a jerk?" This was in response to my husband John telling the kids to stop running around the house, terrorizing the dogs, banging on the doors, etc.
So I have my husband pissed off because these kids are not behaving properly in our house.
I have my bro/sis in law pissed off b/c my husband is getting angry/in bad mood with their kids.
And I am hiding in a corner with high blood pressure.
I don't think my brother and sis-in-law "gets it".
I would suggest the relatives get a hotel room next time they visit, frankly.
Please, read for content. I was not saying what *I* would do in the second sentence, I was offering advice to the OP. If I had a sibling with children, their children would not enter my house. Ever.
I indeed, enjoy my 'spensive thangs. Mostly guitars and amps, but computers and nice electronics as well. In addition, I would NEVER expose my cats to children. The trauma would have them under the bed for weeks.
Where do I start? Should I even bother? What the heck....
Easiest first:
Cats and children can, indeed, co-exist. Maybe not your cats. But we had cats before we had children and have them now that the children are grown. No cat ever hid under a bed because of a child. Just the doorbell. And the UPS truck. And when they saw I had the flea drops in my hand.
'Spensive things and children are not mutually exclusive. My kids (precious little darlings, each of them, I assure you) grew up with guitars and amps. We didn't hide the instruments. We taught the kids to play them. (Good thing John's Aunt Mimi didn't hide the banjo. Imagine.)
Last edited by DewDropInn; 08-10-2011 at 03:26 PM..
I guess if it was me, I would not be in the who is right business. The general discipline out look for these kids is not really your problem, as disagreeable as that thought may be.
In addition to the kids' responsibility to be on good behavior while visiting, hosts have a responsibility of accommodation to their guests. The challenge for you and your husband is to come up with a happy balance.
What I would do is think with an eye toward as little added limit setting is possible. What is the least expectation that would make DH happy and all the kids safe. For instance, I might insist on not handling my belongings as the risk of irreparable damage is there. I also might insist on no door slamming as it tends to eat fingers. I would discuss with DH and achieve agreement on what the united points were going to be. Then I would sit my brother down and tell him that these are the expectations. If he does not feel ok with dealing with these issues himself as he is in a foreign place, I am happy to enforce these expectations myself. But these expectations are non-negotiable. If this seems strange or uncomfortable, do a google search on effective limit setting. (It will come up with hits for kids, but many of the techniques are the same regardless of the person's age.)
During visits, on the discipline issues that are irritating but you did not deem show stoppers, I would handle them with humor, grace and skill. When they run in the house, Oh my you clearly have too much energy for indoors. You must need to be outdoors. Would you prefer the trampoline or the sprinkler? (Obviously I have no idea what you have for outdoor entertainment, but the humor and the limited choice together are a great ally.)
Clearly inappropriate behavior exhibited by the kids and the parents for not disciplining their kids. However, I am going to assume you have no small children at home yourself? If I am wrong, then disregard rest of post.
Insight: Nothing is more boring for young children than visiting the home of someone without children. No unfamiliar toys to play with, no video games or kid movies, no trampoline or swing set. Instead, they usually have to endure a home where just about everything is off limits. Most kids would not last more than a couple of hours before going berserk.
Now before I get flamed, understand I am not excusing their behavior, I'm just looking at it from a child's perspective. I have experienced visitors to childless homes both when I was a kid and with my children. In fact, I remember not wanting to visit the homes of certain friends because it was torture for my kids. "Don't touch this, don't touch that, don't run don't yell don't move don't breath!
So I have some suggestions: next visit make your home more child friendly; buy toys for the kids they can play when they visit, preferably OUTSIDE toys. A bat and ball, a slip and slide, a small basketball hoop. Have a few childrens movies, popcorn, ice pops. Put your most precious knick knacks (sp?)'away.
Plan an outing or two to the zoo or beach or snow tubing, anything that is both fun and will tire the kids out. Make your house the FUN relative's house! Plan to spend as much time out of the house as possible, then promise special treats for evenings like ice cream sundaes or hot cocoa with marshmallows along with a move before bed time.
THEN enjoy your adult time with your family. EVERYONE will be happier and the kids will have a lifetime of memories!
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