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This should be a good debate.. Long story short our oldest daughter who was all but a angel until she left for college has burnt the bridge to my heart it seems.
I'm the Father and we had the quintessential "Daddy's Girl" relationship: movies, malls, day trips, laugh, joke, confidant, etc etc. all the way until the week before she left for college.
She went off to college got straight F's in the 6 weeks she was there, partied to the point of getting her stomach pumped and went to a acute rehab, had to leave school, came home for one week aplogizing, then another binger and off to residential rehab she went.
Since then 2 more rehabs, oupatient therapy, AA meetings, multiple psychologist that say she is moderately depressed and suffers from anxiety. Many different med. combinations only to have her just stop taking them "because she doesn't want too anymore". Lied more times than I can count to everyone that has ever trusted her. We've spent thousand upon thousands that seems should have just been flushed down the toilet because none of it has made any difference.
1 year ago she was a home by 12am, working 25hrs a week job, 3.3gpa kid. Now she goes to 5 AA meetings a week, hangs out with people 5-15yrs older that have been battling various addictions their whole life, school is a NO WAY, and now it seems she can't hold a job. She'll just quit or hang out with the latest boyfriend. This one is 29 divorced, can't drive, 2 kids, lives with his mom, and she is 19!! It irks me!!
I could write a book, but this is a forum, so I'll spare you guys. The thing is now I don't feel much of anything. I have no urge to talk to her, I do care what she is doing, but then again I don't, I just focus on my other kids, the wife, and go from there.
Maybe I cried too much, trusted too long, I don't know. My wife doesn't have much of a problem still talking 1-2 times a week with her and can still cry when talking about her. I on the other hand don't do either.......it's like in my mind I'm saying "I don't care if you are my daughter....you screwed me time and time again for the last 11 months. I don't believe you, don't trust you, don't want to get hurt again, so best of luck"
She still drives the car we bought her, I still pay her cell phone, and her insurance, but other than that I'm fine if I don't hear from her at all. Because when she talks it's just another story, another lie, or slight exaggeration of what actually happened.
Anyone ever go through anything like this before? It's like a switch went off.....
Last edited by Jasilsouth; 07-03-2011 at 10:20 AM..
I'm watching essentially the same scenario with a friend and his daughter. Went from an excellent relationship, good grades, accomplished athlete & artist, to an alcohol abuser and partied through all the money her grandparents (enough to get a full ride to school and still have money left over to live on as well as start a business if she wanted to after graduation). Dad doesn't want to deal with or talk to her at this time ...
Until she hits rock bottom and wants to get out of the cesspool of friends/boyfriends and alcohol, there's nothing that doctors/psychiatric treatment can accomplish for her. The daughter was a good looking kid through high school, did modeling assingments for several clothing retailers ... and now, in her early 20's ... looks like she's on the far side of 40. There's obviously a lot of self-respect/esteem issues here.
Sorry for your loss. IMO, best thing now is to not be an enabler, no matter how painful the outcomes are for you. You don't get to live your children's lives for them ... you can only prepare them with a good set of values and tools, and they get to go from there.
That is very good advice. It is a bit like a death. You have to go through a mourning period. You are mourning all that she could have had or have been.
She might or might not come around one day. In the meantime you need to shield yourself and the rest of your family from her draining the life out of you.
Quit paying for anything. That is a good start.
Good luck.
Jasilsouth, sounds like Al Anon would be helpful for you. You might find comfort in talking to others who have gone through what you are going through.
Until she has his bottom there is nothing anyone can do. You can force her into rehab, but it won't work until she is ready to check herself in. Just let her know that you will not help her financially, but when she is ready you will be there for her, to support her emotionally.
It's understandable considering what she put you through. Maybe it's just a coping mechanism. When they do interventions they even recommend that you distance yourself when they act like this and are unrepentant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasilsouth
She still drives the car we bought her, I still pay her cell phone, and her insurance,
You are enabling her and it needs to stop. You're not helping her at all. What you're doing is teaching her that she can act like an idiot and still be rewarded for it.
It's understandable considering what she put you through. Maybe it's just a coping mechanism. When they do interventions they even recommend that you distance yourself when they act like this and are unrepentant.
You are enabling her and it needs to stop. You're not helping her at all. What you're doing is teaching her that she can act like an idiot and still be rewarded for it.
I was going to say the same thing. Why would you still be paying for anything for her?
I am very sorry this is happening to you. As a parent who isn't there yet, can I ask, were there no warning signs of this earlier? It just seems strange to me that something wasn't amiss prior to her going to college. It's like when some leaves you, there's always signs, it's just whether we choose to see them or not.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. As far as no longer financing her lifestyle, I agree on all accounts except health insurance. It will be cheaper for all in the longrun for her to maintain coverage-- and it might facilitate her getting treatment if she can keep a foot in the medical system. She won't qualify for medicaid as a single, childless young adult.
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