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Old 07-13-2011, 03:27 AM
 
Location: Currently I physically reside on the 3rd planet from the sun
2,220 posts, read 1,874,522 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf View Post
If there's an issue that merits it I bring it up with the parents
Thats where I lean, I really feel a family is sacrosanct and you don't tresspass without permission. I believe it is very disrpectful, almost arrogant or perhaps ignorant (as in we don't know any better) to assume an authority over or within someone elses social structure without at least acknowleding much less gaining permission from the established authority within that social structure.

I am king (or queen) in my own home, but when in someone elses home I'm the guest within their kingdom. They might have a different set of rules than mine which out of respect I'll play by unless they violate my integrity in some way, in which case I'll excuse myself.

I have no problem praying over dinner in some of my more religious friends home. I don't feel it is an affront to my personal convictions, i feel it is an acknowledgement of their traditions within their home. Now if they wish to have us pray at my house, depending upon how they phrase it, I may acquiesce or establish a boundary that this is my home and they need to respect my families traditions. Guests as well as hosts can learn something about being gracious.

I think that is an issue in our society today. We have no real tolerance, we expect all to feel as we do and if they don't we have no respect for their differences. This is a really self-centered perspective. I don't intuitively know anothers values, rituals, traditions etc. and shouldn't blithely feel justified imposing my own. I think it's all part of what we used to call manners which I have heard referred to as the grease for social interaction.
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Old 07-13-2011, 05:48 AM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,469 posts, read 7,181,651 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findinghope View Post
i have an acquaintance that always seems to have something to say to my child. my son is 5 and quite well behaved most of the time. but she seems to have some sort of disdain for him. perhaps she doesn't agree with our methods. he will be doing something perfectly normal, his father will call to him and she will say "your father is calling you!!!". today he answered back and i did not reprimand him for it because i felt this woman was out of line. my son said something like "no" and she response "oh i dont think so, you dont speak to me that way"...but i was actually glad he stuck up for himself.
his father called to him, and she didnt need to get involved in any way. he was just sitting quietly playing and his dad wanted to show him something. it wasnt urgent.
this woman always seems to try to get involved and i am tired of it! it's like she has decided our son is unruley (could not be farther from the truth) and she needs to get involved in raising him. she is not family and she is barely a freind.
have you had to deal with something like this? how did you handle it?
I would have handled it differently. If my sson "answered back" (and by this I assume you mean rude backtalk, rather than a simple response) to an adult he'd hear about it from me, no matter how far out of line the adult was. I might temper it by saying "Mrs. XXX should not have said this to you, but-", ...but he was still wrong, IMO, to be rude.

In general, if we're with a group (family, co-op, band), any adult in the group is welcome to tell my son he's out of line or doing something dangerous/foolish/unkind. Grown-ups outside the group, I'd just as soon not, but if Mrs. Stranger Lady is trying to keep him from walking in front of a car or petting a rabid coyote, I won't quibble.
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Old 07-13-2011, 05:50 AM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,469 posts, read 7,181,651 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jwm1964 View Post
I didn't get the feeling this lady if 'full of herself'. I got the feeling she felt threatened in her home which should be a 'safe' place for all of us and felt her role as mother and matriarch of her family is not being respected.

I think your response sounds a bit hostile and accusatory.
I'm not seeing the part about "in her home" in the OP. I assumed it was a public space, like a park. What did I miss?
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Old 07-13-2011, 05:51 AM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,469 posts, read 7,181,651 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ina.Click View Post
Why exactly would you - or anyone - care how promptly does some acquaintance's kid respond to his father's calling?
Perhaps she thought he was busy playing and didn't hear him?

Tangenting...
One thing I think has created a problem with many kids is the feeling of "you're not my mom, you have no power over me". So by the time they're ten or twelve, those children think they can do whatever they please around other adults, because Mom either isn't there to call them out or has lax behavioral standards. (Not saying this is the OP, as I said, I'm tangenting, based on some of the middle schoolers and older elementary kids I've seen.) If more kids expected to be called out by any passing adult, and were appropriately chastened by it, I expect there'd be considerably less thuggish behavior.
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Old 07-13-2011, 07:08 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
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I'm not OK with other people "disciplining" my kids, the majority of people don't recognize that kids are people, too, who make mistakes and deserve understanding.

I would have followed up something my son said to an adult, so rather than them just sitting there shocked that he said no, he would say, "no", and I'd say, "His dad knows he'll come see him when he's ready." Modeling how to speak respectfully to a person, and giving my son words to use in the future, and letting the acquaintance know I was fine with what my son said.

I certainly allowed my kids to say no to anyone, including adults, including me. I remember when my son was just a toddler, he was sitting in the cart at the grocery store. We were outside on the sidewalk, and I offered him a sip of the orange juice we had just bought. He said, "no", and I said, "No? OK, I was thirsty!" and put the juice away. An older couple walking by said, "Ohhh, you can't let them say no like that! He has you wrapped around his little finger!." Ummm... and I'm supposed to what? Force the juice down his throat? I don't know why people don't give kids the same consideration they'd give anyone else.

Another example: We were driving, my son was in the back in his car seat and a friend was in the passenger seat. My son was pushing against the back of the passenger seat with his foot, just kind of mindlessly kicking. I could see my friend getting tense, and I saw what was going on - I knew my friend wanted to say something, and he also knew that I didn't tolerate anyone yelling at my kids, so he didn't know what to do! I simply said, "Hey, sweetie, Brian can feel your foot against his back, and it's bothering him. Can you stop pushing against the seat?" And he stopped. Why wasn't my friend able to make the same request? Because all he had experienced was people treating kids thoughtlessly. It didn't occur to him that he could just speak normally to a child, and they'd respond.

So - no, I'm not OK with others disciplining my child. AND when they were younger I was right there with them, to partner with them and help them navigate the world.
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Old 07-13-2011, 07:15 AM
 
4,897 posts, read 18,464,442 times
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ok, well this was in a public place. my son was sitting and speaking to some friends of mine (adults). they are always around him and know him well and i am comfortable with him being with them. i was there also.
my dh happen to call to him because he wanted our son to see something. this woman didnt give my son the chance to even turn and look toward his father and in a more than necessarily harsh way told him "your father is calling you"...in a tone you would use with a child that has been called multiple times and isnt listening.
my son's response was not a very strong "no" as if to say, you dont need to call me, i heard my father. when this woman heard no, she immediately and imo harshly told him "oh no, you dont speak to me that way"
now i do agree that children should be respectful of adults, but i dont agree with the tone this woman often has with him. it's as if his existence bothers her, whether he is doing something or not. the reason i didnt reprimand him was because i didnt think he did anything wrong by defending his actions.
the reason i didnt say anything to her is because i dont like to call someone out where it can cause embarrassment for her, for me and for the people within earshot.
there is no reason for me to have the need to tell an adult that they are overstepping their boundaries. we are not friends, she doesnt know my son or our family, she is just an acquaintance.

if my son were about to do something harmful to himself or someone else, then yes by all means shout out to him, but in the cases she has done this, it has always been similar to this one.

i just dont like people trying to do my job. i think his father and i do very well with him.
we are very hard on him when it comes to teaching him manners etc. i dont need anyone's imput. i dont need any help. he is not unruly and i dont seem like i am not handling the situation.

i will however say something the next time this happens. something along the lines of "i have got this thanks"...
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Old 07-13-2011, 07:37 AM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,980 posts, read 14,535,563 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aconite View Post
I would have handled it differently. If my sson "answered back" (and by this I assume you mean rude backtalk, rather than a simple response) to an adult he'd hear about it from me, no matter how far out of line the adult was. I might temper it by saying "Mrs. XXX should not have said this to you, but-", ...but he was still wrong, IMO, to be rude.

In general, if we're with a group (family, co-op, band), any adult in the group is welcome to tell my son he's out of line or doing something dangerous/foolish/unkind. Grown-ups outside the group, I'd just as soon not, but if Mrs. Stranger Lady is trying to keep him from walking in front of a car or petting a rabid coyote, I won't quibble.
Agreed. I'd also add that there are times when you are in a group setting where you can't see or hear all your kids misdeeds, and if an adult that I know and trust corrects them, that's good with me.
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Old 07-13-2011, 07:42 AM
 
4,897 posts, read 18,464,442 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
Agreed. I'd also add that there are times when you are in a group setting where you can't see or hear all your kids misdeeds, and if an adult that I know and trust corrects them, that's good with me.
agreed
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Old 07-13-2011, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Free From The Oppressive State
30,227 posts, read 23,643,056 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findinghope View Post
i have an acquaintance that always seems to have something to say to my child. my son is 5 and quite well behaved most of the time. but she seems to have some sort of disdain for him. perhaps she doesn't agree with our methods. he will be doing something perfectly normal, his father will call to him and she will say "your father is calling you!!!". today he answered back and i did not reprimand him for it because i felt this woman was out of line. my son said something like "no" and she response "oh i dont think so, you dont speak to me that way"...but i was actually glad he stuck up for himself.
his father called to him, and she didnt need to get involved in any way. he was just sitting quietly playing and his dad wanted to show him something. it wasnt urgent.
this woman always seems to try to get involved and i am tired of it! it's like she has decided our son is unruley (could not be farther from the truth) and she needs to get involved in raising him. she is not family and she is barely a freind.
have you had to deal with something like this? how did you handle it?
Sounds pretty simple to me, go over there and tell her to mind her damn business.

Now, if a child were running out in the middle of the road with cars whizzing by, no, I will not stand by and "let the parents take care of it", I would certainly go out there, get the kid and discipline that kid...meaning, giving them a good talking to...and I'd probably have my hand on the kid's arm to prevent them from running out in the road again and I suppose some people in this world who are OVERLY sensitive about every last thing on the planet, would be angry with me and accuse me of "abusing" their child but you know what, who cares, in the end, the child is not hit by a car.

It depends on the situation, is what I'm saying. In yours, she needs to find a hobby.
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Old 07-13-2011, 08:21 AM
 
1,515 posts, read 2,268,428 times
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As the poster said above me, "It all depends on the situation." I tend to keep my mouth shut most of the times. However, I've watched my good friend's kids walk all over her at times and I've spoken up. But mostly to just say something like, "Tim, please help your mom carry some of that stuff to the car," (as I watch my friend lug tons of stuff by herself while the kids do nothing to help). I tend to mind my own business most of the times.

It always irks me though when people dispense with the parenting advice. I had a couple of my single, child free friends visit a few years ago and they kept up a running commentary on my kids such as "Liza sure doesn't listen well," or "She sure whines a lot." One kid was a bit slow to say thank you and she made some snarky comment. In the OPs case, the woman seemed to be a bit of a busy body and that would have p*ssed me off.
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