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Old 08-24-2011, 08:18 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
90,316 posts, read 120,364,617 times
Reputation: 35920

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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
By the time they are in high school, you are no longer the arbiter of appropriate. If you have not done the job of instilling some sense into them by now, you are hosed. If you micromanage your child, you will have three outcomes
- mamma's wuss
- rebel
- underground deceiver

The very JOB of this age is to start become their own person, to separate from you.

Deny biology if you like. At what price?
Thank you for the parenting advice. Sadly, I don't need it. My kids are 24 and 27 and neither are:

- mamma's wuss
- rebel
- underground deceiver

My kids have separated from me very well, thank you very much.

Does biology require a human being, possessed of free will, to act on every impulse?

My kids do not agree with every one of my opinions, but we are all entitled to our opinions.

Quote:
My 8 and 10 year old already understand pregnancy. Why a high school student doesn't I cannot imagine. If we worried less about the "message" we sent when we educated them, then we would not be faced with ignorant teens.

Yes, high school kids have the invincible complex. As parents we have to understand that in the context of the fact that they are starting to identify as romantic and sexual beings. They are not going to learn how to be those things by playing matchbox cars. They are going to learn by trying to do, as they learned how to use their legs as babies by trying to walk.
I hate to disappoint you, but my kids did not spend their teens playing with matchbox cars.

You are extremely naive, being the parent of an 8 and 10 year old. Post again in ten years.
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Old 08-25-2011, 02:10 PM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,144,466 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
- underground deceiver
Would you know?
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Old 08-25-2011, 03:52 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
90,316 posts, read 120,364,617 times
Reputation: 35920
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Would you know?
Aren't you clever? Everyone eventually gets found out, especially kids, who aren't very adept at deception. I'm not missing any money, my kids haven't been in jail for crimes I know nothing about; I've never seen one of them in an advanced stage of pregnancy; I've never received any medical bills for abortions, births, substance abuse, etc, done by them when they were underage, etc. Nice try.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:25 PM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,144,466 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
Aren't you clever?
I wasn't trying to be. As you point out, I don't have teens. I could be completely full of garbage. I remember my teen years. Mom dictating what was and wasn't appropriate was roundly ignored.

But if by and large, you engendered trust when they were kids, you get trust when they are teens.

That said, teen age is the beginning of their sexuality. People of all ages learn by doing, and they have a powerful motive to do, millions of years of biology. They don't know, they don't have the experience is not a compelling argument for me. We learned to walk by using our legs. We learn to build by using our hands. The passage of time does not teach. Experience teaches.


Quote:
Everyone eventually gets found out, especially kids, who aren't very adept at deception. I'm not missing any money, my kids haven't been in jail for crimes I know nothing about; I've never seen one of them in an advanced stage of pregnancy; I've never received any medical bills for abortions, births, substance abuse, etc, done by them when they were underage, etc. Nice try.
Yah the big bad stuff is hard to miss; jail, theft... But there is PLENTY, interestingly enough mostly sexual with a teeny spattering of mild drug use, that my Mom knows absolutely nothing about. Now that I am older, I hope she never finds out. She would be horrified. Still and all maybe she wouldn't as I did not turn out TOO god awful.
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Old 08-26-2011, 05:33 AM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,201,121 times
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I think the argument that they are going to do it anyway is kind of silly. I do hold expectations of my children. They are not idiots incapable of controlling themselves. There is no reason they cannot be taught to exercise self control.
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Old 08-26-2011, 05:49 AM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,838,003 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Yah the big bad stuff is hard to miss; jail, theft... But there is PLENTY, interestingly enough mostly sexual with a teeny spattering of mild drug use, that my Mom knows absolutely nothing about. Now that I am older, I hope she never finds out. She would be horrified. Still and all maybe she wouldn't as I did not turn out TOO god awful.
I am pretty sure each and every one of us has things we did that our parents would not have wanted us to do, that our parents never knew we did. However, the "big stuff" as you say is what is important. If we can keep our kids from making huge mistakes that affect the rest of their life in a negative way we should be happy.
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Old 08-26-2011, 07:03 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,144,466 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
I think the argument that they are going to do it anyway is kind of silly. I do hold expectations of my children. They are not idiots incapable of controlling themselves. There is no reason they cannot be taught to exercise self control.
Of course not. But what control do you expect and, more importantly, why. Why are American parents seemingly so afraid of sex?
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Old 08-26-2011, 07:05 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,144,466 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I am pretty sure each and every one of us has things we did that our parents would not have wanted us to do, that our parents never knew we did. However, the "big stuff" as you say is what is important. If we can keep our kids from making huge mistakes that affect the rest of their life in a negative way we should be happy.
I guess I was speaking *specifically* to sex, a very easy thing to keep hidden. You claim to have control over, the ability to expect a certain sexual restraint from your teenaged kids. I am suggesting that that is not really the case. They may choose to restrain themselves. But your expectations are not the driving motivator at this age, necessarily.
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Old 08-26-2011, 08:04 AM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,838,003 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
You claim to have control over, the ability to expect a certain sexual restraint from your teenaged kids.
I do? You must have me confused with someone else.
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Old 08-26-2011, 08:06 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,144,466 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I do?
Maybe I misread you. That is what it looked like. My bad.
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