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It is impossible for parents to not have dreams and aspirations for their children. However, that needs to be tempered with the reality that chances are your dreams and aspirations may or may not be realized. Basically it's fine to have the dreams, but don't project them so strongly on your children that you become disappointed/upset/angry when they aren't realized. It's not your children's job to make you happy and fulfilled.
Couldn't rep you again for this, but yes! This is powerful, and I hope some posters here take the time to think about what you've written.
CuriousATX, I wanted to say, no matter how you choose to handle this, I hope you are surrounded by supportive, loving people, who accept you as YOU. There are many supportive communities - online and in real life. If you're not connected in that way, please search that out. There are many, many people who can be here for you!
Of course, you instill your values and your ideas of a good person and a happy life on your children. You don't raise them in a vacumn.
Obama's book- "Dreams from my Father", is called that for a reason.
There's a difference between instilling values and telling your child what happiness is. Everyone has their own needs when it comes to being happy.
My mother is a very social person. She loves meeting new people. I'm much more of a loner and find social interaction rather draining. For me, a perfect Friday night is spent at home with a good book. That's MY happiness. So when I was young and my mother pushed at me to go to parties and do things I had no interest in, it just stressed me out and resulted in fights. In her head, she was being a proper concerned parent. But she only had her own needs and desires to draw from- it's really not possible for an extrovert to understand an introvert, or the reverse. But all she needed to do was take a step back and ask me if I was happy.
This isn't just about being gay or straight. You see this in parents who dream from day one that their children will be lawyers or doctors or marry a rich man. Step back. Teach your kids to work hard, be kind, and go for what makes THEM happy.
There's a difference between instilling values and telling your child what happiness is. Everyone has their own needs when it comes to being happy.
My mother is a very social person. She loves meeting new people. I'm much more of a loner and find social interaction rather draining. For me, a perfect Friday night is spent at home with a good book. That's MY happiness. So when I was young and my mother pushed at me to go to parties and do things I had no interest in, it just stressed me out and resulted in fights. In her head, she was being a proper concerned parent. But she only had her own needs and desires to draw from- it's really not possible for an extrovert to understand an introvert, or the reverse. But all she needed to do was take a step back and ask me if I was happy.
This isn't just about being gay or straight. You see this in parents who dream from day one that their children will be lawyers or doctors or marry a rich man. Step back. Teach your kids to work hard, be kind, and go for what makes THEM happy.
My post was an answer to a previous post and it was speaking directly to that post. I have a son and my point remains the same. If he told me he was homosexual I would grieve. There was another mother in this thread who's son told her he was gay. She grieved. Son's are allowed to be homosexual and parents are allowed to feel grief about it. My son's godfather is gay. He would have grieved too.
I'm so sorry. I am so lucky my parents didn't care that I'm gay. But they did freak out when I "came out" about the fact I was going blind. They spent a year or so asking me when I'm going to see again but they ended up coming around. I think the only thing you can do is tell them, go through their freaking out phase, and just hope they will come around. They probably will keep asking you when you're going to be straight for awhile, but most loving parents come around sooner or later, because they love their kids. My best of luck to you.
I should mention if you think it will be really bad, preferably wait till you have a place to go to or till you are at a point where you can make it on your own (financially independent) should they decide to kick you out.
but what is there to "grieve" over, I don't get that??
The image they had in mind of their son as heterosexual. Basically all their dreams of their child they had of them growing up to be a straight man and so on are crushed, so that's what they have to grieve.
I agree, "grieving" is a bad word to use because it implies death. I think a better word would be "readjusting" or something.
but what is there to "grieve" over, I don't get that??
I really don't get it either. "Grieve" puts a hugely negative spin on one facet of the person's life that they have no control over. To me it's a very disparaging remark.
Life is unpredictable. As long as my children are healthy, happy, and loved, that's all I want for them.
if you do it in person, just sit her down, tell her this will be an uncomfortable situation to talk about but something you need to say. then just say, 'I am gay" do not get caught up in anything other than the "facts" how you have known for years and it isn't going to change. I would acknowledge that you understand how hard it might be for her to know she wlll never have grandchildren and this life is one neither would choose, but the one thing that can help you have a happy life is her support. good luck to you.
A lot of gay people have kids. Being gay doesn't necessarily imply there will be no grandchildren.
but what is there to "grieve" over, I don't get that??
I'm with you on that, too. I understand different parents will react differently and some may feel the need to grieve the loss of their expectations or whatever, but I don't think assuming all parents need to go through a grieving process is accurate. I find it to be a disparaging comment, as well. Maybe more accurate would be saying "let your parents have their emotional reaction whatever it is" and then go from there.
but what is there to "grieve" over, I don't get that??
When the son of an Orthodox Jew decides to marry a Christian or Catholic- there will be grief. If the daughter of a bleeding-heart liberal decides to join the Nazi Party, the father will not say, "Whatever makes you happy, honey!". There will be grief. When the son of 'Black
Muslims' bring home a White girl, there will be grief. If my son brings home a drug-addicted, part-time prostitute- there will be grief. If "Crack" makes my son "happy"- I will grieve. Whenever a treasured value is discarded- there will be grief for the invested.
Does not mean said couples should not do what they want. Never said or implied that. My answer to how I would want to be told was by letter, so I could deal with my grief alone and in my own way. The part of being a parent I used to philosophize and theorize about, until I actually had a child.
Last edited by laysayfair; 08-18-2011 at 07:40 AM..
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