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You mention that SS was very upset when you moved 900 miles away, and I think that might have something to do with what you are seeing now. I have had similar conversations with my mother recently who is talking about moving away next year. It really hurts my feelings that she doesn't care about living near me and my children and being close as her grandkids grow up. I thought that our family was a priority for her, and that was the reason why she moved here in the first place 8 years ago. I guess it's not anymore, because now she wants to move away, and yes, I'm a little bitter about it and it hasn't even happened yet. It makes me feel that we are not a priority for her anymore, so maybe I should be less emotionally invested with her too going forward. Maybe that's not fair, but that's how it feels right now. Maybe that's how your SS feels too. And maybe that's why he isn't trying very hard at the relationship right now.
I think what you're describing is very common. It may not be totally rational, but if someone you love moves far away, it's normal to feel cheated - even if you were warned years in advance that it might happen.
Well, all I can say is that your experience is different than mine. I wonder at what point the OP and her husband got married. Were the kids already grown? Maybe the OP doesn't know how her SS was raised. Of all the issues the OP mentioned, the b-day acknowledgment is probably the least important IMO.
If you feel that DIL and SS should each buy gifts for their own families, how would you feel about the OP only buying gifts for their son, and not for DIL? Or about the husband buying gifts only for his kids and the OP only buying for her own kids? To me that isn't much different. It doesn't make for a very harmonious family, I wouldn't think.
We met through a mutual friend (who was really my husband's friend first from elementary school). I returned to school after my divorce and became friends with her as she was working at the college I attended. My 10 year marriage had ended due to my husband's infidelity, and DH's 17 year marriage had ended due to his wife's infidelity. Both our spouses went off with their respective lovers and we were the "single/divorced" parent(s) slugging it out alone and trying to keep it all good for the kids. We met through this mutual friend about 3 years post our divorces. Both of us were still "recovering" and weren't really seeking to remarry. She (the friend) literally insisted that we meet and it was history after that. It was a "blended" family when we married with all the warts and kinks that my 2 little girls (6 and 9) would have with his two big boys. Our mutual friend stood for us at our wedding. The kids are are all grown now, two single and two married. We have 4 grandkids, 2 from my daughter and SIL and 2 from his son and DIL. We live 800 miles from his son and 400 miles from my daughter.
Because when we remembered their respective birthdays (March and May) and our grandchild's birthday (July) and our birthdays (May and July) were not recognized it opened up the hurt.
I love the idea of celebrating everyone's birthdays - the more the better! And I've never understood why some people think that only little kids and great-grandparents deserve recognition? I want to throw a party for everyone!
But in our society, it's very common for no one to notice the grandparents, or the aunts and uncles on their birthdays.
I love the idea of celebrating everyone's birthdays - the more the better! And I've never understood why some people think that only little kids and great-grandparents deserve recognition? I want to throw a party for everyone!
But in our society, it's very common for no one to notice the grandparents, or the aunts and uncles on their birthdays.
Yes I agree. I never realized how much I appeciated birthdays until I met my in-laws from my 1st marriage. They were big birthday people! After that I realised how little time and effort it took to make a person feel special (if only for a few hours). In my family of origin birthdays were sluffed off after you were 10 or 11 years old...I like birthdays now. They are cool. My DH has always been big on birthdays (not just his own) and I have followed suit.
We met through a mutual friend (who was really my husband's friend first from elementary school). I returned to school after my divorce and became friends with her as she was working at the college I attended. My 10 year marriage had ended due to my husband's infidelity, and DH's 17 year marriage had ended due to his wife's infidelity. Both our spouses went off with their respective lovers and we were the "single/divorced" parent(s) slugging it out alone and trying to keep it all good for the kids. We met through this mutual friend about 3 years post our divorces. Both of us were still "recovering" and weren't really seeking to remarry. She (the friend) literally insisted that we meet and it was history after that. It was a "blended" family when we married with all the warts and kinks that my 2 little girls (6 and 9) would have with his two big boys. Our mutual friend stood for us at our wedding. The kids are are all grown now, two single and two married. We have 4 grandkids, 2 from my daughter and SIL and 2 from his son and DIL. We live 800 miles from his son and 400 miles from my daughter.
You're response is missing the most important piece of information. How old were his children when you married. They were older than your 9 year old. How much older?
In our extended families, we switch to buying joint couples' Christmas gifts once young adults get married. For birthdays, we simply give birthday cards when children become adults. If they are still living at home or in the same town, I cook their favorite dinner. No, I don't think I'd send a birthday card to a DIL or SIL. I'm fairly confident that I wouldn't do that. But if I were invited to a birthday party for DIL or SIL, I'd definitely buy a gift or bring a card.
We don't exchange gifts with extended family members, except for the one remaining grandparent. I always ended up shopping for DH's mother, because his idea of sending a gift was to pick up the phone and order flowers.
But, once somebody marries one of my children, I consider them immediate family, not extended. I will buy a gift and send a card.
Holy Moly Hopes. There are 40 people on your holiday list? I don't think i could cope with having to shop for that many.
In our extended families, we switch to buying joint couples' Christmas gifts once young adults get married. For birthdays, we simply give birthday cards when children become adults. If they are still living at home or in the same town, I cook their favorite dinner. No, I don't think I'd send a birthday card to a DIL or SIL. I'm fairly confident that I wouldn't do that. But if I were invited to a birthday party for DIL or SIL, I'd definitely buy a gift or bring a card.
I don't see a problem with that since the gifts are always given from both parents regardless of who does the shopping. The recipients are never aware of who specifically went to the store.
I don't see how who does the shopping makes a difference. Hubby and I rarely go shopping together. Hubby hates shopping. And now that I think about it, that's why he does the shopping for his family. I put my foot down early in the marriage and insisted that he help with the shopping. His family is HUGE! Keep in mind, we buy Christmas gifts for EVERYONE---all siblings, all nieces and nephews---approximately 40 people outside of our immediate household. That's a lot of shopping! It's not fair for only one person to do all of that work. The most logical way to divide the responsibility is for each person to shop for his/her own family or to divide by gender.
What you said about the shopping is similar to what I was trying to say. My family has 35 birthdays in December and then we buy Christmas gifts. We end up buying almost 100 gifts in December alone. I do most of the shopping, but occasionally need DH's help thinking of a gift for someone on his side. It is hard to think up 100 gifts, find them, buy them and wrap them all (I do crazy wrapping including making my own bows). So, when I ask him to get his Step-dad's gift while I get the other 99, I get frustrated when I find out 2 days before Christmas that he hasn't bought one. That was why I was saying that maybe it was step-son's responsibility and they may have been fighting over it. The holidays are hard.
I always ended up shopping for DH's mother, because his idea of sending a gift was to pick up the phone and order flowers.
In our families (DH's and mine), we just call and wish each other a happy birthday if we can remember. In my family we call and sing happy birthday as badly as possible. It's easy for them to remember my birthday because I'm the only one who is born in a different month. I always call them on the wrong day. They think it's funny. My sisters occassionally send me birthday cards, but not every year, very rarely really.
We all prefer to send/receive cards with heartfelt notes other times of the year---"thinking of you" type cards when we remember something from our childhood, to let each other know how much they mean to us, to give encouragement when one is having a difficult time, etc. Things that have real meaning.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
But, once somebody marries one of my children, I consider them immediate family, not extended. I will buy a gift and send a card.
My children are still young adults. I just don't see myself sending my own children gifts or cards for their birthdays when they are older adults. I'll call them and wish them a happy birthday. I can't stress enough how birthdays are not a big deal for adults in my family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
Holy Moly Hopes. There are 40 people on your holiday list? I don't think i could cope with having to shop for that many.
Yeah, it's crazy. I don't know why it is. Maybe because none of us have parents. But hubby's family insists on exchanging expensive gifts between adults. At least my siblings agree that the adult gifts should be inexpensive gestures of love. It would be impossible for me to do all of that shopping by myself. And it's not logistically possible for hubby to join me on shopping trips as a team since our schedules are usually crazy. We split the work down the middle. Our harmonious teamwork is in our ability to be organized via division of duties so nobody is overwhelmed by the massive amount of shopping that needs to be done.
What you said about the shopping is similar to what I was trying to say. My family has 35 birthdays in December and then we buy Christmas gifts. We end up buying almost 100 gifts in December alone. I do most of the shopping, but occasionally need DH's help thinking of a gift for someone on his side. It is hard to think up 100 gifts, find them, buy them and wrap them all (I do crazy wrapping including making my own bows). So, when I ask him to get his Step-dad's gift while I get the other 99, I get frustrated when I find out 2 days before Christmas that he hasn't bought one. That was why I was saying that maybe it was step-son's responsibility and they may have been fighting over it. The holidays are hard.
(((((((numb1baby))))))) I don't know how you manage to do it all on your own! My sympathies!
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