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I have met perfectly normal women in business or school who have got their acts together only to catch a glimpse of their home life and see that they are spoiling their kid silly.
I knew of a kid who cussed his teacher out and mom went running to school to cuss out the teacher because the kid had to stay after school.
I knew a mom who pawned her wedding(or engagement) ring so the little darling could go to a special summer school in another state that he'd won some sort of music scholarship to, only to have the kid come home soon after arriving because he didn't like it there.
I think parents are too frightened that the child will leave them for the other parent that they bend over backwards at the apparent whim of the kid.
How to stop this from happening if the divorce were acrimonious and the parents cannot get together even to devise a game plan that is good for their child?
Is it too easy, if the court awards custody to one parent, for the other and the child to scheme to have the kid move to the other parent's abode?
I think that divorce is terrible for kids.
I find it hard to understand why parents who in general once were in love and get to the point of hating each other.
I am sure that over time, hormones change the unconsious drive and desire. As a sweeping generalisation I suspect that men get lazy in terms of the relationship - doing things for their wife and just come to expect food on the table and sex in the bed room. I think (again as a sweeping generalisation) that women especially after kids, get restless, start to see faults in their husband, loose their labido and so do not initiate sex or just let him do it in a mechanical way.
To me husbands and wives have to work really really hard to keep their relationship together.
To me when husbands and wives do this and are together then they provide a better, safer, secure, loving and friendly home life and this produces confident and secure kids.
I think confident parents are less likely to go overboard in protecting or supporting their kids.
There are lots of children from divorced families, who grow up normal, well adjusted, and have few mental or emotional issues. It is better to grow up in a broken home, than live in a completely dysfunctional one for your entire childhood.
So true. I WISH my parents had divorced. My parents are both great people and there was no abuse or anything of that nature. But they were completely incompatible and married for all the wrong reasons. I was a very observant kid and certainly felt the stress and discord. I basically became my mother's emotional support, and I'm still stuck in that role today. I never really had room for my own issues because I've always been talking other people through theirs.
Based on my experiences growing up, not just with my parents but with the relationships I saw around me, I have no desire to ever get married. I don't see the benefits. Indeed, I have no desire to ever enter into a relationship.
I also think growing up in that environment affected me on a deeper level. I have very low level emotions and I don't really 'feel' when it would be appropriate. For example, if I heard my mother and dad getting into a fight growing up, I never felt fearful or angry or anxious. I felt....bored. Profoundly so. Maybe a little annoyed at how stupid the fight was and how easily solved if they had better communication skills. I think I shut down a little at some point and I'm still in that mental place.
So here's a relationship that wasn't all that bad. They managed to raise six kids without killing each other or hurting those kids, and most of us have done fairly well for ourselves. And still that friction and constant 'hidden' discord was never hidden nearly as well as they thought, and it did have an effect.
Amen to that j12. Who started the LIE that it is better for the parents to stay for the children. This only teaches the child that what is going on in the home is "normal" in their mind but is really dysfunctional. Then they marry someone with a lot of emotional and learned issues from the parents.. taking the same crap into their own marriages. And the next generation carries that to the next generation; getting progressively worst each generation.
I agree generally with the idea that it is better for children to grow up in a divorced home than in a home that is dysfunctional. Unfortunately, it gets much more complicated than this. I think one can readily identify a dysfunctional home. To me, it would be one where the parents have little relationship with one another. It would be one that is not at least kept clean enough so that it does not pose a danger to the children and the family living there. It would be one where there is violence, sexual abuse, or serious emotional abuse going on. It would be one where there are alcohol or drug abuse problems. I do not advocate that a spouse stay in such a marriage and using the children as an excuse for doing so is wrong.
On the other hand, a certain amount of conflict is normal in a marriage and in a family. My wife and I disagree with some frequency about everything from the need for home improvements to which activities our youngest child (daughter) should be in. We sometimes even violate the adage about "never disagree in front of your children". I've never seen this as a cardinal error. I think if disagreements are not violent or bitter it helps teach children that the world is complex place and that people can have different opinions about the same thing. That's the nature of life. Its not some happy nirvana where conflict is nonexistent.
Many people are impatient and always believe there is something better out there. "The grass is greener on the other side". When I meet someone who has been divorced more than one time (and who has children) I admit I tend to be a bit judgmental. I have a tendency to see their impatience and instability as a problem.
I do think many people do not approach marriage with the determination to "work out problems" when they arise. I think "easy divorce" laws were well intentioned and do serve some people well. They do not always serve society and families well though. For example, running two households on the same income is always going to be much harder than running one. Divorce and single parenthood in general are more highly correlated with poverty than families that remain intact. What is best for the children--not oneself--should always be the guide to determining whether to remain in a marriage.
I have many friends who experienced divorce in their childhood and we can shrug it off all we want, but many of my friends still suffer today from the family break up that occurred. This is very apparent in the conversations I have with them. Many sons lost most contact with their fathers after a divorce. Visitation every other weekend is no substitute for always having a father in the home.
I agree generally with the idea that it is better for children to grow up in a divorced home than in a home that is dysfunctional. Unfortunately, it gets much more complicated than this. I think one can readily identify a dysfunctional home. To me, it would be one where the parents have little relationship with one another. It would be one that is not at least kept clean enough so that it does not pose a danger to the children and the family living there. It would be one where there is violence, sexual abuse, or serious emotional abuse going on. It would be one where there are alcohol or drug abuse problems. I do not advocate that a spouse stay in such a marriage and using the children as an excuse for doing so is wrong.
On the other hand, a certain amount of conflict is normal in a marriage and in a family. My wife and I disagree with some frequency about everything from the need for home improvements to which activities our youngest child (daughter) should be in. We sometimes even violate the adage about "never disagree in front of your children". I've never seen this as a cardinal error. I think if disagreements are not violent or bitter it helps teach children that the world is complex place and that people can have different opinions about the same thing. That's the nature of life. Its not some happy nirvana where conflict is nonexistent.
Many people are impatient and always believe there is something better out there. "The grass is greener on the other side". When I meet someone who has been divorced more than one time (and who has children) I admit I tend to be a bit judgmental. I have a tendency to see their impatience and instability as a problem.
I do think many people do not approach marriage with the determination to "work out problems" when they arise. I think "easy divorce" laws were well intentioned and do serve some people well. They do not always serve society and families well though. For example, running two households on the same income is always going to be much harder than running one. Divorce and single parenthood in general are more highly correlated with poverty than families that remain intact. What is best for the children--not oneself--should always be the guide to determining whether to remain in a marriage.
I have many friends who experienced divorce in their childhood and we can shrug it off all we want, but many of my friends still suffer today from the family break up that occurred. This is very apparent in the conversations I have with them. Many sons lost most contact with their fathers after a divorce. Visitation every other weekend is no substitute for always having a father in the home.
Well said (bolded). Parents not seeing eye-to-eye on everyday issues can be worked out and won't cause lasting damage. A marriage with an alcoholic or abusive person in the home cannot be worked out on a one-sided basis by the other parent. It is far better for the child to have their parents divorce. If I had stayed with my alkie ex-husband, my daughter would have learned that the way to live is to just enable someone like that, put up with all the hell an addict causes, and work your life around another person's addiction. I am sorry that it took me until she was eight years old to learn that lesson myself. I am very happy that she is a young adult who knows that the right thing to do is to walk away from someone whose addiction or abuse is affecting her. She does see her father, but over the years she made it on her terms. If he was drinking, she didn't want to see him. If he took her to dinner, he could not drink while he was with her. If they make plans and he was at the bar getting drunk before he met her, she leaves and says she'll see him another day. If I hadn't divorced him, she would not have learned to do those things.
My wife and I have been separated since our son was 2 months old. One issue with that is since I have not been in the house with him everyday, he still does not call me "Daddy" on a consistent basis. OK, he's two! He called me "Daddy" for two straight Sundays I've visited him, but now, he's calling me "Fella". Will this change? I'm sure it will, but for how long?
I'm reading a book called "The Magic Years", by Salma Freiberg. Though it was written in the late 60's, it is still relevant today! Kids go through phases. I guess that "Fella" part is a phase, until he gets older!
I have met perfectly normal women in business or school who have got their acts together only to catch a glimpse of their home life and see that they are spoiling their kid silly.
I knew of a kid who cussed his teacher out and mom went running to school to cuss out the teacher because the kid had to stay after school.
I knew a mom who pawned her wedding(or engagement) ring so the little darling could go to a special summer school in another state that he'd won some sort of music scholarship to, only to have the kid come home soon after arriving because he didn't like it there.
I think parents are too frightened that the child will leave them for the other parent that they bend over backwards at the apparent whim of the kid.
How to stop this from happening if the divorce were acrimonious and the parents cannot get together even to devise a game plan that is good for their child?
Is it too easy, if the court awards custody to one parent, for the other and the child to scheme to have the kid move to the other parent's abode?
Dh and I separated 4 years ago and had the kids in therapy during and after the separation. One question dd (then 9) asked the therapist is why dad buy kids presents when parents are separated. She was puzzled by the fact her father never bought her presents before and now was buying them all the time. Parental guilt leads you to do all kinds of things.
How you stop this is recognizing it for what it is. It's a way for mommy and daddy to asuage their guilt. However, it does not help the kids. So you just have to do an anti Nike and just NOT do it. This isn't the only response to divorce that is harmful though. I didn't buy my kids stuff when we were separated, I spent too much time with my kids. Because we shared custody, I wouldn't do any housework or errands when I had the kids. I spent every minute with them. That was smothering for them. So they had one parent burying them in gifts and the other smothering them. You know what the best thing is? Don't get divorced.
My wife and I have been separated since our son was 2 months old. One issue with that is since I have not been in the house with him everyday, he still does not call me "Daddy" on a consistent basis. OK, he's two! He called me "Daddy" for two straight Sundays I've visited him, but now, he's calling me "Fella". Will this change? I'm sure it will, but for how long?
I'm reading a book called "The Magic Years", by Salma Freiberg. Though it was written in the late 60's, it is still relevant today! Kids go through phases. I guess that "Fella" part is a phase, until he gets older!
When my dd's were in day care, they went through a phase where every woman was mommy. Their day care provider explained that they hear the other children call other women mommy and conclude that all women are mommy. They, later, differentiate with "MY mommy".
He may hear someone referring to men as "fellas" and concludes that since you are a man, you are a fella. I wouldn't worry about it. Just make sure you're spending enough time with him so he knows that you are a very special "fella".
Dh and I separated 4 years ago and had the kids in therapy during and after the separation. One question dd (then 9) asked the therapist is why dad buy kids presents when parents are separated. She was puzzled by the fact her father never bought her presents before and now was buying them all the time. Parental guilt leads you to do all kinds of things.
How you stop this is recognizing it for what it is. It's a way for mommy and daddy to asuage their guilt. However, it does not help the kids. So you just have to do an anti Nike and just NOT do it. This isn't the only response to divorce that is harmful though. I didn't buy my kids stuff when we were separated, I spent too much time with my kids. Because we shared custody, I wouldn't do any housework or errands when I had the kids. I spent every minute with them. That was smothering for them. So they had one parent burying them in gifts and the other smothering them. You know what the best thing is? Don't get divorced.
I'm happily staying at home with my 1 year old. The other day my DH and I were cuddling him (he's adorable lol) and I said "if I was only able to see him 1 hour a day I would definitely be buying him things to try and make up for it". I can't even imagine what we would do if we had to trade him back and forth. It must be incredibly hard for everyone - but much, much worse for the children.
I have met perfectly normal women in business or school who have got their acts together only to catch a glimpse of their home life and see that they are spoiling their kid silly.
I knew of a kid who cussed his teacher out and mom went running to school to cuss out the teacher because the kid had to stay after school.
I knew a mom who pawned her wedding(or engagement) ring so the little darling could go to a special summer school in another state that he'd won some sort of music scholarship to, only to have the kid come home soon after arriving because he didn't like it there.
I think parents are too frightened that the child will leave them for the other parent that they bend over backwards at the apparent whim of the kid.
How to stop this from happening if the divorce were acrimonious and the parents cannot get together even to devise a game plan that is good for their child?
Is it too easy, if the court awards custody to one parent, for the other and the child to scheme to have the kid move to the other parent's abode?
These aren't examples of how divorce affects children; these are examples of how bad parenting affects children.
I'm happily staying at home with my 1 year old. The other day my DH and I were cuddling him (he's adorable lol) and I said "if I was only able to see him 1 hour a day I would definitely be buying him things to try and make up for it". I can't even imagine what we would do if we had to trade him back and forth. It must be incredibly hard for everyone - but much, much worse for the children.
Our separation was the only time in my life I've ever felt like a part time parent. The kids were gone every Tuesday and Thursday evening and every other weekend. I don't care to do that again.
I didn't shower them with gifts but I wanted to spend every minute I had them with me with them. They got kind of smothered.
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