Teen friendships: influence (punish, teens, support, parents)

[ItalianIce]

It seems that many parents are very focused on the influence that their children's friends have on one another. And rightly so; friends are a huge influence at all ages in fashion, hobbies, decision-making, and even speech patterns and physical movements. Not just teens, I guess, but children of all ages. I'm just focusing on teens here.

My question is: how closely do you monitor your teens' friendships? Are there certain things that would cause you to tell your teen that he or she may not see a specific friend? Would you punish your teen for seeing a friend that you did not approve of?

(Note: we're talking about strictly friends, not significant others.)

I was thinking about this because I'm watching a situation play out that is very similar to one that I experienced myself. When I was a teen (and through college), my best friend in the world was a drug addict. He's still my best friend, although he's no longer a drug user (8 years clean). He is one of the most wonderful people I've ever met, and we were always very close. My parents were aware that he was a drug addict, but they tried to help him a lot and attempted to provide helpful advice when it was asked for, since his parents could not have cared less about him. He had a terrible life, which has only recently started to turn around. I was NOT using any drugs, of course; I was just trying to support him and help him however I could.

The parallel situation: my cousin has a 17-year-old daughter whose good friend started using meth about a year ago. My cousin only recently found out about the drug use, and she told her daughter that she was never to associate with this girl again. They don't go to school together, so the daughter's car was taken away so she could not get to the next town where the friend lives. Apparently, the daughter somehow met up with the girl at the mall or something (not sure of the specifics), and the daughter got in MAJOR trouble. Basically, her freedom and privacy were taken away. NOTE: the daughter does not use any drugs or drink, and my cousin knows this. I know my cousin is just concerned, but I still don't agree with her decision.

Anyway, this got long, but my question is, what would your reaction be to your child and his/her friend? Obviously, drugs are a serious issue -- what would your reaction be to less serious issues of influence that you disapproved of?

[Mattie]

My son had a friend in HS who was a drug user, although it was mainly pot. They weren't in the same classes, but were both on the baseball team. I didn't know if any other team members were into drugs, but this boy was arrested and I saw it in the paper.

I wasn't about to tell him to quit the team, and I let him attend a few parties at this boy's home because I knew a lot of the other kids going, and they didn't give me cause for concern.

What I did do, was to tell my son he was responsible for his own actions. I let him know how being alone with this other boy could have lifelong consequences. He chose to limit contact to baseball.


That was really the only time any of my kids had a questionable friend.

I honestly don't know how you prevent teens from seeing each other. You can make it harder, but it's tough to eliminate all contact. It's easier to make sure your child can handle sticky situations with confidence.

[Momma_bear]

I think it depends on the relationship between the kids. If a long time friend develops a drug habit I don't necessarily think that it means that the kid will be a bad influence on his existing friends. An existing relationship is likely already cemented.

However, if a kid who does not have a drug habit starts associating with a whole bunch of drug users it is a big red flag for parents that something has changed. I am not saying that parent should automatically cut off contact between the kids but they should definitely pay attention. If a previously clean cut kid with clean cut friends starts associating with kids who are significantly different I do think it is a parent's job to question what is behind such a change. I think that as a parent you ignore such things at your child's peril.

[malamute]

It also depends on if the child is a leader or a follower or independent. And sometimes parents can think their child isn't a follower but it turns out they are.

Peer pressure can have kids doing things they wouldn't otherwise do. Kids will do a lot to try to fit in, be popular.