I'm worried about my son (playing, 10 year old, husband, learn)
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That being said, I still remember how much I hated high school.
Even though school just started could you plan to let him visit his friends as soon as possible.
Even if it is over Thanksgiving, (if not sooner) if there is a friend of his, or two whose families would like him to stay for as long as the school break allows.
Kids can be cruel and cliquey, so IMHO there is really nowhere you should try and force him to fit in, or expect most kids to do anything other than give him a hard time if his mother has to find friends for him.
(Other) Adults will often have a blind spot about any questionable behavior of their kids or athletes, maybe your son chooses not to run with kids that are too mature for him.
It's possible that he does have online friends he can talk to and feel connected to.
Maybe it's not as necessary to be "out doing things" as it once was.
That's not to say things are perfect, but perhaps not as dire as they can seem .
Music is probably an important part of his life, and how he expresses himself and works through feelings.
He may even try to share his music with you, (or you could ask him what his favorite songs are, BUT, this can not be used against him, or don't "go there") listen with an open mind, appreciate that he trusts you with his "feelings" and DON"T judge.
BTW,(for general information) Artists like Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne, and Slipknot are not evil. lol
What you hear in the music is almost definitely not what he is getting from it.
Thank him for sharing and let him know(only if it is true, with NO repercussions) that he can trust you to respect his choices.
Music (I'm sure) doesn't cause depression, but it can sometimes be used as a way for parents gauge a childs' emotional needs.
Also, many songs that SEEM to be about suicide are actually life-affirming and reassure the listener that they are not alone. Parents, don't jump to conclusions, the sound you hear after you do is the sound of your teens bedroom door closing for good.
He is almost assuredly aware of any issues involving the family, so if moving was in the best interests of the whole family, or necessary for financial reasons, he probably isn't going to place his needs above everyone else or make you feel bad by saying he'd rather be back where you moved from.
I just reread your post: Most likely the things YOU feel he is missing out on, are things that he doesn't care about and won't miss, ever.
I didn't go to prom (no regrets) and I left the state immediately after my High School graduation ceremony (I only went for my mom).
I bloomed in the real world, traveled the world, and experienced things many popular kids in High School were too afraid to even try.
Over the years when I would go home to visit, I found many of those same people from school were not happy now, were out of shape, and drank a lot.
Thanks. I think we might plan an impromptu trip home next week-end before swimming gets too intense. If not then, it will be Thanksgiving. I do feel like he really needs to see his friends back home and have a fun week-end for a change.
I know that you are so right. I don't care one whit about him being popular. I would like him to have a few friends. I would LOVE for him to go the Prom but . . . . won't push him.
His one good friend here - was a Senior and just graduated and left for college.
He loves music and has an ipod in his ear all day long. He really likes all of Lady Gaga's music - no matter how much his 'acquaintences' make fun of him for liking Lady Gaga.
He's already done more than most of the people we knew back in our old town. They were born there and there they will stay. He came here; he started all over; he met people; and I know he has lots of acquaintences that enjoy his company.
I will try not to project my feelings onto him.
Thanks for all your insights. I'm 50 and changed high schools back in the day - but I was a freshman. It didn't take me long to find friends . . . but really, they weren't the crowd I want him with! We were bad.
When we first got here - he got invited to the movies with a bunch of kids - BUT they ran out of tickets for that particular movie. Thekids talked him into sneaking in . . . and I know he hated it. He's really not big into breaking big rules. Far as I know, that's the last time he went to the movies!
I would not say that you do not have anything to worry about, but his behavior does seem pretty normal. He has moved away from everything that was normal, to a new place where everything is different. This sort of thing takes some time to get adjusted to. When I was 16, my family moved to another city and I struggled for about year before I finally started adjusting. I came from a private school into a public school. In my previous school, we had to wear uniforms to school everyday and when I got home, everyone wore jeans and a T-shirt. Little did I realize when I hit the public school that I should be wearing designer fashion. This quickly labeled me and I had to bounce back from that issue before others would open up to me. My parents nagging me about why I was not with my friends did not help the situation either. It was not like I was purposely trying to sit at home, there were just obstacles to overcome first. Keep as close of a relationship as you can with him, but give him some space to sort out all the adjustments he has to make. I would not ignore it, but I would not be overly panicked either.
I can tell this would be the exactly wrong thing to do because when I asked him one time about if he had anyone to do anything with he said "You don't understand. People here are really busy". I could tell it put him on the defensive and made him feel worse. So I am really trying to avoid that.
OP I understand how you feel. When we relocated my son seemed to be okay then he started his first year of jr. high and started showing some signs of being depressed. Second year he had zero interest in making friends or doing anything outside the house. iPod in the ear, total disconnect. We would ask him what was up and get mumbles or one word answers. He started to not do well in school and I had some of his teachers calling me voicing concerns because he looked very depressed to them. That helped me not feel like I was being over protective. I had been complaining to my husband that I felt something was wrong. My husband said it was probably the age. I never raised a teenager before and didn't want to smother him but it just didn't feel right. I started taking him to counseling and over all I don't think the counselor could get much out of him but I think it helped. Of course my son was peeved I started taking him to talk to someone but I was extremely concerned. He admitted after many sessions, he was angry we didn't include him in the decision to move. I understand his frustration but at the time he was 11 and we had to move for employment. None of us had a choice really. He admitted to being really homesick and hated this new area. We simply kept saying we understood his feelings and they were normal.
He seemed to snapped out of it earlier this year. He was invited to a birthday party and had a good time. He went on a class trip and had a great time. He still was introvert over the summer but his mood was a lot better. We told him that we moved from our hometown because it was changing for the worse. Of course he thought we were just blowing smoke up his arse but what I think really helped was reality. We went home to see family a few times this year and he could see the changes. He was coming out of his funk and actually started noticing things. He saw a few of his old friends and when he told them of his experiences at his new school they were like "NOO way. Your school has that?!" That was another reason we moved. The schools in our hometown were awful and getting worse. They had very few extra activities and no major class trips out of state like his current school. His friends expressed jealously and I think it blew my son away because he was so wrapped up thinking his life was horrible.
Now that he is starting to snap out of his depression, it made me realize just how low had had been feeling. His hygiene is much better, he cares about his clothes, seems to be putting himself out there more and actually told us today he is trying out for jazz band at school. Of course my husband and I played it cool but we were completely ecstatic. That was another thing he mentioned to the counselor, if we got too excited about something he wanted to do, it made him feel like we thought he was mental. :roll eyes: Its just I don't think he realized just how low he was and how hard it was for us to see him so low. Being a teenager sucks and I wouldn't want to relive it. Go with your gut feelings, if something doesn't seem right, it may not be. Teenagers are a mystery at times. Its push and pull. They want your love but then push away to show their independence. Its been quite a ride so far.
Thanks Fallingwater - my teen-age years weren't all that great either; I need to remember that.
We've been through this once before ~ in third grade. He ended up in a class with NONE of his friends. He was so unhappy and I was frantically trying to line up playdates, etc. He started not wanting to go to school - stomach hurt, etc. I would almost physically sick dropping him off at school with him not wanting to go. That had never happened before.
I talked with his teacher and she was so helpful. Don't you know that a new kid moved in about 2 months into the school year . . . and the teacher was smart enough to pair them up for everything.
Suddenly, school was ok, and the two boys are still friends today. When we do visit home, this boy is the first person my son calls.
I was so thankful that the teacher stepped up to help. She also told me to get off his case about schoolwork - that he seemed a nervous wreck. She said that he put too much pressure on himself and did not need mine as well.
Smart lady, that teacher. I backed off and the rest of the year was drama-free.
Like everyone else here, I just love him so much and want him to be happy. It IS hard to know when to step in; when to step back . . . .
One thing we all love doing together is concerts - but I'll admit, my son has never been embarrassed to be seen with me. But I think that is not the norm. I think most teens DO go through that faze.
My son lost most of his friends this year. It's common when they graduate because everyone's lives start taking a different direction. It has been a very hard year for him. He became very depressed and pretty much stopped doing anything. It has taken a long time to help him understand it's a normal part of life.
I think back to when it happened for me. It never really bothered me. I continued doing everything I needed to be doing. Eventually I made new aquaintences via just going through the motions of being responsible by taking classes and working. Some of the people I worked with ended up becoming close friends for a time. I'd eventually touch base with old friends whenever there was a rare opportunity since many had moved away.
Your son has a reason for not seeing his friends---a move to another state. He's still doing good in school. He's working. It sounds like he's handling it well. And he still has maintained contact with his old friends. He knows he has friends, he just can't see them. That makes a difference, I think.
This might be a very healthy transition for him. He's going to go through it all over again in two years.
I wouldn't say anything to him about not doing things, not socializing, and here's why.
I remember when I was in my late 20s about a year or two before my mother died. I was upset about something that happened with a new friend. I must have been crying. My mother said very lovingly, "Awe, you always had a hard time making friends." I remember looking at her bewildered. I never in my life viewed myself as someone who had a hard time making friends!
I still think about that to this day sometimes. I wish she hadn't said that to me. I know she said it out of love and concern. But I really didn't need to think about myself in that light---just as maybe introverts don't need to hear people label them introverts. Thinking my mother viewed me that way made me feel badly about myself. I had always been happy with my life. I considered myself outgoing. And I am still. But she sort of took a bit of my confidence away that day. And that nagging thought has lasted in the back of my mind for two decades now.
It sounds like your son has got it together. He is successfully functioning in all aspects of this life---work and school. All 16 year olds are moody at home. And he would have likely struggled with this after he graduated even if you had never moved. His time to learn how to overcome this natural process of adjusting to new social situations simply came a couple of years earlier.
My father always said, "You have to spend the rest of your life with yourself. You better learn to like it." Wise words. Very wise words.
That was another thing he mentioned to the counselor, if we got too excited about something he wanted to do, it made him feel like we thought he was mental. :roll eyes:
I can totally relate to this. I've learned that it's important to hide my feelings. I'd get so excited when my son was progressing in the right direction. I'll support him 100% in whatever he wants to pursue, but being overly enthusiastic and encouraging has a big drawback. If he fails himself, it's a double whammy on him emotionally because he feels he failed me too. As a result, I try to not let my excitement show through too much. And it's super important for him to not see me sad or struggling with how my heart aches for him.
My parents nagging me about why I was not with my friends did not help the situation either. It was not like I was purposely trying to sit at home, there were just obstacles to overcome first.
My son experiences this with his father. Sometimes his father will say, "all you do is sit in your room." It does not help. My son responds, "You think I want to sit in my room?!?!?!" Talk about making him feel worse about his situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1
I can tell this would be the exactly wrong thing to do because when I asked him one time about if he had anyone to do anything with he said "You don't understand. People here are really busy". I could tell it put him on the defensive and made him feel worse. So I am really trying to avoid that.
His way of coping might be to tell himself that people are really busy. You're bringing it up makes him question his interpretation of how he's doing. I made a mistake putting my son under a microscope a few times. Or more accurately letting him realize he was under a microscope.
Thanks Fallingwater - my teen-age years weren't all that great either; I need to remember that.
We've been through this once before ~ in third grade. He ended up in a class with NONE of his friends. He was so unhappy and I was frantically trying to line up playdates, etc. He started not wanting to go to school - stomach hurt, etc. I would almost physically sick dropping him off at school with him not wanting to go. That had never happened before.
I talked with his teacher and she was so helpful. Don't you know that a new kid moved in about 2 months into the school year . . . and the teacher was smart enough to pair them up for everything.
Suddenly, school was ok, and the two boys are still friends today. When we do visit home, this boy is the first person my son calls.
I was so thankful that the teacher stepped up to help. She also told me to get off his case about schoolwork - that he seemed a nervous wreck. She said that he put too much pressure on himself and did not need mine as well.
Smart lady, that teacher. I backed off and the rest of the year was drama-free.
Like everyone else here, I just love him so much and want him to be happy. It IS hard to know when to step in; when to step back . . . .
Thanks for sharing your story.
You're welcome. I think you got a sensitive kid on your hands. My son is sensitive as well. I am sensitive. Geez...what a combo My husband is the polar opposite so he is like geez oh peets! Your son might be feeling more low about the girlfriend than you think. Teens are hard to read. Sometimes you think its one thing and find out it is something completely different that you never thought of. Keep us posted!
I can totally relate to this. I've learned that it's important to hide my feelings. I'd get so excited when my son was progressing in the right direction. I'll support him 100% in whatever he wants to pursue, but being overly enthusiastic and encouraging has a big drawback. If he fails himself, it's a double whammy on him emotionally because he feels he failed me too. As a result, I try to not let my excitement show through too much. And it's super important for him to not see me sad or struggling with how my heart aches for him.
^^^^guilty. I thought by being super excited would encourage him instead it just upset him more and for the exact reasons you mentioned. So now when he says he is going to do something, I'm like..."Oh ya? That's cool" but on the inside trumpets are playing, confetti is falling...
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My husband is the polar opposite so he is like geez oh peets! Your son might be feeling more low about the girlfriend than you think. Teens are hard to read. Sometimes you think its one thing and find out it is something completely different that you never thought of. 
Keep us posted!
