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Ok, I've written about this before, but here it is again. My ds16 STINKS! No, I don't mean body odor, I mean he plain STINKS!
He bathes infrequently and incompletely, wears the same clothes over and over, and doesn't wash his hair. At best, he gets his hair wet and claims he washed it. It was so bad last week I took him for a haircut and got a shampoo, it took literally 6 lathers before it even suds. All he did was put hair gel on. He thinks if he uses deodorant he doesn't need to bathe! And he uses that AXE, which smells horrible to begin with!
Ok, look, we have 3.5 bathrooms, a full-size, large capacity washer/dryer, I buy plenty of hygiene procucts, and yes, let him buy his favorites, but he simply won't be bothered. I sneak into his room and find piles of dirty clothes smoldering everywhere, which I sometimes wash 2-3x, with baking soda, etc. His room makes me gag whenever I walk past. Its so bad in there we might have to paint, and replace the carpet, but what good would that do if he just stinks it up again?
I told him this weekend he is to clean it up, or I will. If I do, it will be a thorough job. I will simply throw out anything that is on the floor, that stinks, etc. He has tons of old trash in there, a smelly mattress because he doesn't bathe, old, wet towels......I've said I'm NOT the maid and refused to clean up his trash hole, but have done so simply in self-defense, like when we have company. Maybe I should spray that Febreeze around? I threatened to lock him out with a bucket and hose, he can't come inside until he cleans up!
But why would anyone want to go around stinking? Not if they have the means to stay clean, which really is a luxury compared to some people's living circumstances. I worked with a lady from India who told me flush toilets are not standard equipment in many homes, and some are considered a luxury. Just what did they do? Well......
So, what to do? or just wait until he moves out, and invest in Febreeze until then?
I would suggest a man-to-man chat with his father regarding the personal hygiene. Does he have any friends? It's odd that a 16 yr old would chose to stink, so I'm guessing he doesn't, or they would have a lot to say about it.
It's your house, you can do what you want as far as his room. I wouldn't allow it to get to the point where it affects the rest of the family, I'd empty everything out except for a bed if it was that bad. Why does he have wet towels if he isn't bathing though?
I know you've written about your son before, and he has some issues, I just don't know how those issues come into play with this situation. Kids losing interest in their appearance is sometimes a sign of depression.
I would suggest a man-to-man chat with his father regarding the personal hygiene. Does he have any friends? It's odd that a 16 yr old would chose to stink, so I'm guessing he doesn't, or they would have a lot to say about it.
It's your house, you can do what you want as far as his room. I wouldn't allow it to get to the point where it affects the rest of the family, I'd empty everything out except for a bed if it was that bad. Why does he have wet towels if he isn't bathing though?
I know you've written about your son before, and he has some issues, I just don't know how those issues come into play with this situation. Kids losing interest in their appearance is sometimes a sign of depression.
You have a point about the wet towels.....I guess he just doesn't bathe adequately. He was always like that, he felt he was getting away with something. Of course, when little, I would help, then as he got older, he was expected to handle it. he would sometimes stand in the shower, just get his feet wet, his back, etc, would be bone dry and he'd announce he was done. And no, he wasn't afraid of the shower. we had a hand-held shower nozzle, and he could tub bathe.
Your point about depression is something to consider. However, he is interested in his appearance. he wants certain types of clothes, is "fashion-conscious", etc, he just doesn't get it---he stinks! Not to sound glib about the possible depression, but hey, I'm getting depressed smelling him! But it is something to consider.....
Does he have "control issues"? Just tossing that out there. It was a way for our DD to try and exert control, lots of her odd behaviors are (she is 10)... and my ex husband was the same way even as a grown man. He had some deep seated control issues leftover from childhood.. as an adult he would do the "get wet" thing and once I innocently asked him about it and he about bit my head off for asking.
I'm sure this situation didn't happen over night. Surely you have been aware of his behavior for quite some time. Any 16 year old boy who acts like this is not OK. He should be tested for some psychological problems. Sounds to me like he is on the path to being a complete social outcast.
There has to be some emotional issues going on there to refuse to bathe. Is he still sneaking out of the house? Tormenting the family? Have you gotten him any counseling? Does he still threaten to call CPS or actually calls them on you? Was there a period between your last post on this and now that he was bathing regularly?
Time to show some tough love for his own good and tell him under no circumstances will you put up with his personal lack of being clean be it his body or room. If that don't work get some family or friends together and forcibly give him a GI bath. That consists of holding him in a cold shower on the floor, lye soap, and scrub brushes and to burn or put all his stinky belongings in the trash. Absolutely no excuse for being a dirty, stinking, slob.
As much as I hate to micromanage, I would do some deep cleaning of his room. We are lucky enough to have a housekeeper come every 2 weeks and she does a good job cleaning my daughter's room who pitches a fit every time it is cleaned. It still smells but not as much if it was left on its own. Does your son have a clothes hamper in his room? That could help organize the dirty clothes and keep them off the floor. And allow you to keep on top of the wash.
My daughter had similar cleanliness problems in the past. Sometimes her hair would get so greasy that I would offer to shampoo it just to give her a reminder of what clean hair should look like. She still doesn't do the best of jobs but things are much better than a year ago. Getting her some nice body soaps has helped. She still doesn't do the best of jobs and even after showing, I smell body odor at at times. But things have gotten better.
My daughter has some emotional problems and hygiene has been a challenge for quite some time although she is getting much better about it the older she gets. Like others have said though, don't rule out depression or other problems at school. Good luck to you.
But why would anyone want to go around stinking? Not if they have the means to stay clean, which really is a luxury compared to some people's living circumstances.
So, what to do? or just wait until he moves out, and invest in Febreeze until then?
You are the parent -- it is your responsibility to make sure you teach him discipline (which includes how to take care of hygiene routinely & properly). If he doesn't learn this now, his health will suffer in the long run as he will most likely always do the bare minimum to take care of himself. Being smelly is the least of your issues here.
Sit him down & explain to him that you are sorry you haven't taught him to take better care of himself. He may not think it is a big deal, or important, but it really is. Let him know you will not allow his self-neglect to slide anymore because you love him. Maintain a regular chore schedule & make sure there are consequences if he doesn't pull through, but that you also give him LOTS of praise when he does.
Don't clean his room for him or wait until he moves out. Set a date & make sure he does it on his own, then learns how to maintain it daily & weekly vs. monthly. You have two years to teach him to care about his health/environment. BE CONSISTENT. If you are not, he will surely slide back into old habits. I would expect rebellion because you have been enabling this behavior for way too long.
Make sure you put lots of effort into giving him positive reinforcement every single day. Even for small things.
As for the showering -- someone else pointed out you may want to consider whether he is depressed or coping with unresolved issues that have been impacting his self-esteem for a long time now. Don't ignore the signs -- it could be something very serious from his past that you are unaware of. Talk to him about this ASAP.
Last edited by thethreefoldme; 04-08-2013 at 07:20 AM..
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