A Quantitative Analysis of How Much Time Spent with Kids Correlates To The Child's Outcome... (step-dad, girls)
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Can somebody quantify what an outcome is, and what the parameters are for good vs bad? Because I think unless that's defined the question is somewhat open to interpretation.
You name it, they've pretty much tried to measure it. What's interesting is how little actually matters. There appears to be a range of time spent with children by parents that works quite well and a range of happiness with your decision/lot in life that works quite well. The most common outcomes measured are educational and health. What's interesting is that most decisions made by parents have little impact on just about anything the researchers measure. The conclusion I draw from that is that our kids are resilient and pretty much turn out how they're going to turn out in spite of our decisions. It seems you have to really screw up to have a negative impact...of course that will not stop our kids from blaming us for every little thing...
You name it, they've pretty much tried to measure it. What's interesting is how little actually matters. There appears to be a range of time spent with children by parents that works quite well and a range of happiness with your decision/lot in life that works quite well. The most common outcomes measured are educational and health. What's interesting is that most decisions made by parents have little impact on just about anything the researchers measure. The conclusion I draw from that is that our kids are resilient and pretty much turn out how they're going to turn out in spite of our decisions. It seems you have to really screw up to have a negative impact...of course that will not stop our kids from blaming us for every little thing...
Okay...I think this is on topic. My oldest child (now 28) is the only one of my children who felt like he didn't get enough attention. He is the only one of my childen who was a chronic attention seeker and constantly brought negative attention to himself. He was frequently depressed. Being the first born, he came along when I was a working mother. His sister was born when he was 3, that kept me home for 4 months, however, I was busy with "the new baby". I went back to work and he lived at the daycare again, with his little sister. This went on for 3 more years.
After 3 years, we bought our current home, a big-time fixer upper. I continued to work full time until I had my next son, which was 9 months later. At that time, hubby and I made the decision that I NEEDED to stay home. There was so much to do on the home, and daycare for 3 children would have made it foolish to work, even with the tax write off once per year. By this time, there were 2 other younger children in the home and hubby was a commercial fisherman, gone for long periods of time. I was home constantly, but my oldest received very little "quality time".
By this time, he had started to establish patterns of rebellion and hobbies which no one else in the family were interested in. Bam! Along came son #3, 6 years later....new baby in the house, no time for attention for oldest son, other than "negative attention". Even though my son is close with me now, he and his father are not close at all. My daughter, being the only girl, and mommy's little helper, shopping buddy, etc. never dealt with that "unimportant/neglected" situation. When daddy took the boys somewhere, there were always 2 or more boys going.....never 1 on 1 attention. Because DS #1 had already developed hobbies that his dad had no interest in, while daddy was gone fishing and DS was "entertaining himself" playing video games, he and his father never truly developed a father/son bond.
Son #2 had similar interests to his father, having paid attention to his mother when she said, "If you want to spend time with your father, get out there and pay attention to what he's doing!" He did! They are, to this day, as thick as thieves and that boy/man is doing incredibly well and is currently in the Navy, but whenever possible, calls home each and every day.
In closing, I will say that quantity DOES matter, but quality....absolute 1 on 1 time with your child makes a tremendous difference. It does, however, make a huge difference in whether your child and you have anything in common, other than bloodlines. If your child refuses to take an interest in what you're doing (the things you NEED to do, I'm not just talking hobbies here), there's a good chance that there will be NO quality time. Obviously, that works both ways, but it is vital that parents/children find some common ground or quantity doesn't mean squat. Your child is still alone in a crowd, otherwise.
Your oldest sounds like my oldest. She's an attention seeker and finds it easier to get negative attention than positive (that takes too much work on her part ). Dd#2 is my easy child. It doesn't matter what I do, she sees the bright side. Except for not buying her a coach purse....she sees no bright side to that ...
I'll disagree on quantity mattering. I don't think it does beyond having enough time. I think once you have enough, you have enough and more is just more. Too much can be smothering. Too little isn't good either but I think as long as kids have trusted adults they are bonded to, too little is probably easier for them to deal with (case in point, kids who go to boarding schools who, literally, go months without even seeing their parents seem to do just fine).
I really do wonder about time and relationships. Obviously, we need enough time to have strong relationships but does there come a point you have too much? I suspect so. I teach kids who have hover parents and I see fragile egos that NEED someone else to tell them they're ok where I should be seeing strong young people capable of deciding for themselves what is ok.
We have parents who log into the grading database dozens of times a day. I, literally, cannot enter a topic I'm grading and get all of the grades in before some parent is emailing me about Johnny's "zero". I have to race to input grades. Lord forbid I start on my prep and finish putting them in after school.... I'd put grades in at 3:00 AM on Saturday but we're not supposed to change grades over the weekend (parents have to be able to contact us as SOON as a grade is put in.) Where do all of these hover parents come from? It will be interesting seeing how their children fare in real life where no one hovers over you to make sure you do what you're supposed to. I worry about how some of my kids are going to do in college where professors don't hand you grading rubrics up front. They just expect you to be able to self assess the quality of your work.
Your oldest sounds like my oldest. She's an attention seeker and finds it easier to get negative attention than positive (that takes too much work on her part ). Dd#2 is my easy child. It doesn't matter what I do, she sees the bright side. Except for not buying her a coach purse....she sees no bright side to that ...
I'll disagree on quantity mattering. I don't think it does beyond having enough time. I think once you have enough, you have enough and more is just more. Too much can be smothering. Too little isn't good either but I think as long as kids have trusted adults they are bonded to, too little is probably easier for them to deal with (case in point, kids who go to boarding schools who, literally, go months without even seeing their parents seem to do just fine).
I really do wonder about time and relationships. Obviously, we need enough time to have strong relationships but does there come a point you have too much? I suspect so. I teach kids who have hover parents and I see fragile egos that NEED someone else to tell them they're ok where I should be seeing strong young people capable of deciding for themselves what is ok.
We have parents who log into the grading database dozens of times a day. I, literally, cannot enter a topic I'm grading and get all of the grades in before some parent is emailing me about Johnny's "zero". I have to race to input grades. Lord forbid I start on my prep and finish putting them in after school.... I'd put grades in at 3:00 AM on Saturday but we're not supposed to change grades over the weekend (parents have to be able to contact us as SOON as a grade is put in.) Where do all of these hover parents come from? It will be interesting seeing how their children fare in real life where no one hovers over you to make sure you do what you're supposed to. I worry about how some of my kids are going to do in college where professors don't hand you grading rubrics up front. They just expect you to be able to self assess the quality of your work.
I'm not sure about the "disagreeing on quantity mattering" thing. I think we're actually on the same page here. You can spend all the time in the world in the same place as your child, but it you're not connecting with them, what's the point?
At the same time, I will agree that there's something to be said about the parents who have to be so involved in their children's lives that their children feel completely smothered. I've known many children who wish their parents would just back the heck off, as well as many people who got into college and couldn't hack it and couldn't get the grades. Why? Because mom wasn't there to re-write their papers for them!
My kids were so different. LOL One of them felt like I "wasn't helping him with his homework!", because he'd get lost and frustrated..., "I LOOKED IN THE BOOK! I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!!" ME: Son, go to the back of the book and look in the index. HIM: You're not helping me! ME: Yes, I AM helping you. I'm telling you how to find what you're looking for!
Daughter: Thanks Mom. I can't believe I forget to do that! Duh!
I do think that SAHMs tend to spend more time with their children, as a matter of physics, but I also think too much of a good thing is bad....enjoy the debate about who is the better parent because they spend the most time with their kid...
It's hard to measure this. My mom was a SAHM who was high strung and needed lots of social stimulation so she did a lot of volunteering, and the time she spent with us seemed oriented toward crowd control. She was probably exhausted. My dad was at work all week and traveled frequently but when he was there, he really connected with us. When I look back, I remember talks with him, playing board games with us on the weekends or taking us on hikes. I'm not sure it's "quality" time that matters as much as the child feeling that a parent simply enjoys being with him or her.
It's hard to measure this. My mom was a SAHM who was high strung and needed lots of social stimulation so she did a lot of volunteering, and the time she spent with us seemed oriented toward crowd control. She was probably exhausted. My dad was at work all week and traveled frequently but when he was there, he really connected with us. When I look back, I remember talks with him, playing board games with us on the weekends or taking us on hikes. I'm not sure it's "quality" time that matters as much as the child feeling that a parent simply enjoys being with him or her.
I think you hit the nail on the head. My parents did all that was necessary for us, but were not really interested in us as people. Time that was spent was dedicated to doing things that HAD to be done and for no other reason. I didn't realize until I was older that other people had parents who cared how they felt or what they thought and actually spent time with them just because. As adults, 2 of us turned out OK 1 not so much, but none of us had much of a relationship with our parents.
There are parents who are constantly on top of their kids, not letting them live their lives, and interfering with everything the kid tries to do and not letting the kid experience something themselves.
Then, there are parents who are involved in their children's lives, know what their kids are doing, who they're doing it with, and what's happening with them day to day. They give their kids freedom without letting them run wild.
Then, there are parents who are not involved at all for whatever reason. They haven't a clue what's going on in their kids lives, what they're doing, what's happening with them or anything else.
I was "raised" (actually raised myself) by the third example. My parents died when I was very young (teens) but even before that, they were never a part of my life and hadn't a clue what was going on with me or anything else. To this day, I resent them for it (I'm almost 50) and swore I would never, ever be a "parent" like that.
I have a child and am the #2 example. I'm involved with what she does but give her freedoms and let her experience things. She's a great kid, doing great in school and in all her extracurricular activities. She's also got common sense and is more savvy and intelligent than many adults I know.
I'm not sure about the "disagreeing on quantity mattering" thing. I think we're actually on the same page here. You can spend all the time in the world in the same place as your child, but it you're not connecting with them, what's the point?
At the same time, I will agree that there's something to be said about the parents who have to be so involved in their children's lives that their children feel completely smothered. I've known many children who wish their parents would just back the heck off, as well as many people who got into college and couldn't hack it and couldn't get the grades. Why? Because mom wasn't there to re-write their papers for them!
My kids were so different. LOL One of them felt like I "wasn't helping him with his homework!", because he'd get lost and frustrated..., "I LOOKED IN THE BOOK! I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!!" ME: Son, go to the back of the book and look in the index. HIM: You're not helping me! ME: Yes, I AM helping you. I'm telling you how to find what you're looking for!
Daughter: Thanks Mom. I can't believe I forget to do that! Duh!
Son: Why do you help HER, but you don't help ME!?
I hear you. I'd think there's some birth order thing going on here except my kids' personalities were present the day they were born. Dd#1 screamed her head off and dd#2 was to fascinated with everything around her it took her breath away. Dd#1 needed, immediate, comforting and wouldn't stop nursing (I swear I was a pacifier for two years). I couldn't get dd#2's attention long enough to nurse her. There were too many lights and people and sounds to take in. They're still the same kids. Just in bigger bodies. I swear I have nothing to do with how they turn out. I'm just along for the ride.
Dd#1 is my won't try kid who gets frustrated if everything doesn't come easily. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I help her, I'm accused of thinking she's stupid. If I don't, it's my fault she didn't get it. I'll tell her to look in the book and she'll, stubbornly, sit there and refuse to just because I told her to...AND her favorite come back of all is "I'm not PERFECT like my sister" as if anyone thinks her sister is perfect. (This is her default stance if she just has to pick a fight). Her psychiatrist is the only one who seems to be allowed to call her on this one and that lasts for the entire hour of the session. No one seems to be able to get her to see the real difference between her and her sister is effort and we're "trying to make her like her sister" if that gets pointed out....UGH....I can't wait for the drama to end....it does end...right????
There are parents who are constantly on top of their kids, not letting them live their lives, and interfering with everything the kid tries to do and not letting the kid experience something themselves.
Then, there are parents who are involved in their children's lives, know what their kids are doing, who they're doing it with, and what's happening with them day to day. They give their kids freedom without letting them run wild.
Then, there are parents who are not involved at all for whatever reason. They haven't a clue what's going on in their kids lives, what they're doing, what's happening with them or anything else.
I was "raised" (actually raised myself) by the third example. My parents died when I was very young (teens) but even before that, they were never a part of my life and hadn't a clue what was going on with me or anything else. To this day, I resent them for it (I'm almost 50) and swore I would never, ever be a "parent" like that.
I have a child and am the #2 example. I'm involved with what she does but give her freedoms and let her experience things. She's a great kid, doing great in school and in all her extracurricular activities. She's also got common sense and is more savvy and intelligent than many adults I know.
I swear many of my student's parents see them as an extension and reflection on themselves. I see a lot of control and expectations that can be crippling to kids. They have no breathing room. They're so unsure of themselves they can't even commit to turning in a paper (I'm convinced that many who don't turn in their work don't because it's easier to take failure if they don't try than risk failure if they tried.). I'm certain that many of them just don't listen to instructions so they can say they didn't know when they get marked down. Either that or they're standing at my desk asking me to put things in the right order (lab reports are supposed to have a logical flow to them) and frustrated when I won't. The rubric is clear what I want and I refuse to do your work for you.
What's really interesting is to see the repeaters the next year. They have a TOTALLY different attitude. They're conscientious about their work, they study and they have a smile on their face when they turn something in. And to think their parents were pissed at me for failing them last year. Without fail, every one of my kids who failed (they all failed because they simply did not do the work. No one who really tries will fail my class. I see no justice in failing a child who has given it their all.) has done a 180 the next year. I have one, this year, telling me he may want to major in chemistry.
I think you hit the nail on the head. My parents did all that was necessary for us, but were not really interested in us as people. Time that was spent was dedicated to doing things that HAD to be done and for no other reason. I didn't realize until I was older that other people had parents who cared how they felt or what they thought and actually spent time with them just because. As adults, 2 of us turned out OK 1 not so much, but none of us had much of a relationship with our parents.
My dad (step) worked two jobs and I hardly saw him but two occaisions will stick out in my mind forever that say how he felt about me. When I was 9, I lost a little ring my biological father had made for me (it was too big but I wore it anyway). I lost it in the sand piles down the street (they were paving the street). I came home crying and dad walked over to the big picture window and pulled out the screen and we walked down the road and sifted sand. We never found the ring but I'll never forget him doing that. The other was when a boy I had a crush on asked someone else to the homecomming dance. Dad got home from his second job just after I got home from mine and sat up with me until 2:00 in the morning talking to me and then got up at 5:00 so he could be at work by 6:00.
These weren't the only two by any means but they say loud and clear what kind of dad I had. He had less time with us than mom did but I remember him more. He had more impact.
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I'd put grades in at 3:00 AM on Saturday but we're not supposed to change grades over the weekend (parents have to be able to contact us as SOON as a grade is put in.) Where do all of these hover parents come from? It will be interesting seeing how their children fare in real life where no one hovers over you to make sure you do what you're supposed to. I worry about how some of my kids are going to do in college where professors don't hand you grading rubrics up front. They just expect you to be able to self assess the quality of your work.
