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Old 11-08-2011, 07:34 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,288,390 times
Reputation: 3564

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My parents had many wonderful traits but it took me awhile to establish an equal relationship with them when I entered adulthood...I had to "prove myself" to them. I had to show that I was smart and level-headed and capable of making my own decisions in life etc...It was a step-by-step process. I had to start viewing my parents as people in their own right and show more interest in them. (Versus making everything "about me!")...Was it easy for you to establish an equal relationship with your parents? How about your grown kids? Do you have an equal relationship with them? Thanks...
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Old 11-08-2011, 08:44 AM
 
2,319 posts, read 4,781,518 times
Reputation: 2108
Right after my husband and I married (nine years ago), we moved out of state. After about a year had passed, my parents started to see me as a functioning adult. It got better and better every visit.

Just a couple of years back, my dad suffered a mental breakdown brought on my steroids. It was the worst experience of any of our lives. In his delusions, he turned against my mom. I was forced to "rescue her" by driving her out of state and taking her home with me. We tried to have my dad institutionalized, but the state they live in had no laws that would help us (at the time - the laws have since changed). We'd have to wait at least two weeks and have court appears, etc. We were afraid he would hurt himself or my mom before then. Mom came to live with us for three weeks. During that time, I was driving back and forth six hours to check on my dad. I took care of hospital calls, got my mom into therapy in my town, and eventually got mom back home. The drugs eventually wore off (it took over a year for my dad to return to "normal").

At one point during this time, my mom said, "I think you could be a mother. I think you can handle it." Maybe that doesn't sound like much, but I knew then that my mom and I are equals. We were on the level. It was a good feeling in a terrible situation.

My dad knows and understands what my husband and I did for him and mom. He also treats us like equals, though he did that before the breakdown too.

I surely hope no one has to go through what we did to be on equal footing with their parents.
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Old 11-08-2011, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,288,390 times
Reputation: 3564
Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
Right after my husband and I married (nine years ago), we moved out of state. After about a year had passed, my parents started to see me as a functioning adult. It got better and better every visit.

Just a couple of years back, my dad suffered a mental breakdown brought on my steroids. It was the worst experience of any of our lives. In his delusions, he turned against my mom. I was forced to "rescue her" by driving her out of state and taking her home with me. We tried to have my dad institutionalized, but the state they live in had no laws that would help us (at the time - the laws have since changed). We'd have to wait at least two weeks and have court appears, etc. We were afraid he would hurt himself or my mom before then. Mom came to live with us for three weeks. During that time, I was driving back and forth six hours to check on my dad. I took care of hospital calls, got my mom into therapy in my town, and eventually got mom back home. The drugs eventually wore off (it took over a year for my dad to return to "normal").

At one point during this time, my mom said, "I think you could be a mother. I think you can handle it." Maybe that doesn't sound like much, but I knew then that my mom and I are equals. We were on the level. It was a good feeling in a terrible situation.

My dad knows and understands what my husband and I did for him and mom. He also treats us like equals, though he did that before the breakdown too.

I surely hope no one has to go through what we did to be on equal footing with their parents.
Whew! You sure went through a lot of trauma and "came through" for your parents. Thanks for sharing your story and experiences. I'm glad your parents are both okay now.
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:21 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,728,423 times
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I left home and married when I was 18. It took my mother quite a while to see me as an adult...even after I was married she thought that she should be able to physically discipline me and was amazed when I told her I'd call the police if she hit me.

I wouldn't say that there's been any one major turning point in our relationship, but over the years she has started to call me when she needs advice, help or moral support. I do the things she can't stand to do...for example, when my dad tried to commit suicide and had to be hospitalized for a month, I had to be the one to tell the doctors about his paranoia and delusions, my mom tried to pretend that he'd never had any problems before.
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Old 11-09-2011, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Knoxville, TN
346 posts, read 506,081 times
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I don't think there is or should be an "equal" relationship with ones parents, but I do think there should be a loving relationship with mutual respect. I am an adult, but I will never have as much life experience as my parents.
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Old 11-09-2011, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,288,390 times
Reputation: 3564
Quote:
Originally Posted by addicted2helping View Post
I don't think there is or should be an "equal" relationship with ones parents, but I do think there should be a loving relationship with mutual respect. I am an adult, but I will never have as much life experience as my parents.
I think people of all ages have a lot to learn from each other. I've enjoyed spending time with my friend's young sons (and my grandkids) because they can come up with fresh and unique ideas and insights at times...I think we can learn from our experiences in life and gain wisdom. But we never reach a point where we truly "know everything" there is to "know." And this makes life exciting and challenging...I learn a lot from my "30 something" son and he says he enjoys learning new things from me too. We share our insights with each other and it brings us closer. I'm older than he is but this doesn't mean that my ideas are always the "best!"
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Old 11-09-2011, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,288,390 times
Reputation: 3564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
I left home and married when I was 18. It took my mother quite a while to see me as an adult...even after I was married she thought that she should be able to physically discipline me and was amazed when I told her I'd call the police if she hit me.

I wouldn't say that there's been any one major turning point in our relationship, but over the years she has started to call me when she needs advice, help or moral support. I do the things she can't stand to do...for example, when my dad tried to commit suicide and had to be hospitalized for a month, I had to be the one to tell the doctors about his paranoia and delusions, my mom tried to pretend that he'd never had any problems before.
Good that you were "there" for your Mom and Dad during their crisis and trying times....You definitely earned your "stripes!" Hope things have calmed down now.
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Old 11-09-2011, 10:29 PM
 
Location: Northern California
970 posts, read 2,203,691 times
Reputation: 1400
It took about 4 years after I left for my parents to treat me as an equal. Now that they do we have a great relationship. My husband has been away from his parents for 8 years and still gets treated like a child.
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Old 11-09-2011, 10:32 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,257 posts, read 64,067,741 times
Reputation: 73913
Someone once told me that no one who has changed your diapers will ever truly see you as an adult.
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Old 11-09-2011, 10:35 PM
 
16,825 posts, read 17,634,185 times
Reputation: 20851
My mother did not treat me as an equal until I started paying not only my bills but hers as well. Ok well some of hers, when she retired.
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