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I'm a little confused (sorry) because your first sentence doesn't match the last. You believe that parents should be paying for food, health care insurance, clothes and transportation even AFTER they've graduated from college? They'll be 22-23 then. When do you think parents should start making them pay for these things?
(I can understand wanting to help out a good kid with some things, but to say it's a "parental responsibility"? I'm going to think about that one.)
If they are out of college, are looking for a job, don't have one, and need help . . . then I am sure you would assist them in making sure they either (1) move in with you til they get on their feet or (2) help them financially til they get on their feet.
If they are bumming around the country, now that is a different matter, lol.
Once kids have a job, they should be able to take care of their own needs. However, if they need money for a downpayment on an apartment, for ex., I hope I can always make them a loan to help them get to the next level. You can always loan money (and write up a loan document that they sign).
I have four stepkids - so 5 kids in all - and we have loaned them all money at various times. We learned that it is best to have them sign something and make it official w/ terms of repayment. Sometimes we all need a helping hand. Part of becoming a mature adult is paying back what you owe.
As far as parental responsibility . . . I think adult children should feel they can come to their parents and ask assistance and if the parents can do it, then they certainly should. But that is just me. I think family should look after one another, assuming they have the means to do so. Expecting any assistance to be repaid goes without saying . . . it would be disrespectful NOT to pay the money back. Most young adults do not have credit established when they graduate from college, so helping young adults get established is a parental responsibility and sensible. If we invest the $$$ into college costs, then surely investing whatever more it takes to get our kids on their feet only makes sense. But again, this can be in the form of a loan, not a hand out.
Last edited by brokensky; 11-30-2011 at 02:20 PM..
There was a thread (from a poster on this thread) that was asking about what to do with an 18 year old who had been into drugs, and had sex in his parent's bed (actually on the only weekend he had ever been left alone), and was not a responsible person at all- ( didn't take care of or feed his own pets). So many people told her she should kick him out so that he could learn responsibility. Or encourage him to go into the service.--I was one of those. She countered that it took some kids longer to grow up and some are just absentminded, like when he can't find his keys, or walks out without locking the door. PLEAZZEE!! My thought was that he was never given any responsibility or consequences for his actions at a young age, too much was done for him. He really needs some structure and dicipline for his own good. I fear he will never be an independant contributing member of society.
One of my four stepkids was still pretty immature when he finished up college (and did very well in school - even had a grant for part of his tuition!) but as soon as he graduated, he abandoned his apartment (left his roommate holding the bag - and his dog!) and took off across country w/ friends on a bus. Oh my. When we finally caught up with him (on the west coast) . . . he was told to come home immediately, get a job, pay off his debts, and either start a career or join the Army. He joined the Army.
Some kids need more structure and discipline in their early 20s than others. This young man has turned out to be a fine employee, husband and dad, but he just didn't have things pulled together when he finished up college.
Interestingly, his degree didn't help him land a job, but the skills he was taught in the Army did. His employer required a college degree, but it was his Army work experience that got his foot in the door. Military service isn't for everyone, but it can be an excellent situation for many.
If they are out of college, are looking for a job, don't have one, and need help . . . then I am sure you would assist them in making sure they either (1) move in with you til they get on their feet or (2) help them financially til they get on their feet.
If they are bumming around the country, now that is a different matter, lol.
Once kids have a job, they should be able to take care of their own needs. However, if they need money for a downpayment on an apartment, for ex., I hope I can always make them a loan to help them get to the next level. You can always loan money (and write up a loan document that they sign).
I have four stepkids - so 5 kids in all - and we have loaned them all money at various times. We learned that it is best to have them sign something and make it official w/ terms of repayment. Sometimes we all need a helping hand. Part of becoming a mature adult is paying back what you owe.
A parent giving a recent college grad a loan or even a one time cash gift is a bit different than saying that it is a parent's "obligation" to make sure that their grown child is fed/sheltered/clothed/insured and otherwise provided for.
Helping them to get on their feet is a lot different than providing them with a chronic financial lifeline...
A parent giving a recent college grad a loan or even a one time cash gift is a bit different than saying that it is a parent's "obligation" to make sure that their grown child is fed/sheltered/clothed/insured and otherwise provided for.
Helping them to get on their feet is a lot different than providing them with a chronic financial lifeline...
I apologize if I didn't explain things well.
It doesn't help a young adult become a stable, responsible, mature person to hand them life on a silver platter so they can be lazy jerks and suck off mom and dad forever, lol.
But I do think that until a college grad is on his/her feet, it only makes sense to step in and provide whatever is needed til they can get a job and pay their own way. We didn't want our kids running up debt using new credit cards, for ex. If they had part time jobs and roommates, we still kept an eye on groceries and made sure they had warm coats and decent shoes.
They all have moved back home at some point after college - for a few months - to land a job and get out on their own. I have always paid their health insurance til they got a job, as well.
And I have been known to give them a set of tires when I saw they were driving around on bald tires that were unsafe. But that is just me. I would rather do without something myself and know my kids are safe.
But it goes both ways . . . our sons have shown up without their presence being requested to do such things as build decks and clean out garages and powerwash and paint. Money isn't the only way family members can help each other out and show some love and respect for one another.
Last edited by brokensky; 11-30-2011 at 03:20 PM..
One of my four stepkids was still pretty immature when he finished up college (and did very well in school - even had a grant for part of his tuition!) but as soon as he graduated, he abandoned his apartment (left his roommate holding the bag - and his dog!) and took off across country w/ friends on a bus. Oh my. When we finally caught up with him (on the west coast) . . . he was told to come home immediately, get a job, pay off his debts, and either start a career or join the Army. He joined the Army.
Dragging his butt back did not allow him to deal with the consequences of his actions. Letting him fail would have.
Quote:
Interestingly, his degree didn't help him land a job, but the skills he was taught in the Army did. His employer required a college degree, but it was his Army work experience that got his foot in the door. Military service isn't for everyone, but it can be an excellent situation for many.
They let him suffer the consequences of his actions, let him fail.
Dragging his butt back did not allow him to deal with the consequences of his actions. Letting him fail would have.
They let him suffer the consequences of his actions, let him fail.
Well, you should handle your children however you choose. This is how we decided to handle this particular young adult, and obviously it had a positive outcome. He has worked his way up the career ladder, is a wonderful husband and dad, owns a beautiful home, and enjoys his community and friends. I would say he has done very well. He is the first to say that directing to military service was the right advice. We are very proud of him.
All kids are not stamped into existence with a cookie cutter. They are all different. Unfortunately, parents are not given an operations manual at birth that tells us what is the right way to handle every challenge with every child.
I am sure the majority of parents intend to do the best they can for each of their children. What works for mine may not work for yours, and vice versa.
The wisdom is in knowing what to do and when to do it. I won't purport to have all the answers but I am always glad to share what solutions have worked and which haven't.
You are entitled to your opinion . . . and hopefully, you will have the discernment to know the right advice to give to your children should the need arise. I think there are very few times in life that anyone should be left down and out, unless they are miscreants, felons, drug addicts, etc. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom if they are addicts or anti-social thugs . . . but for most people . . . guidance, a helping hand, and clearly outlined expectations are more likely to get a person on a path to success.
Well, you should handle your children however you choose. This is how we decided to handle this particular young adult, and obviously it had a positive outcome. He has worked his way up the career ladder, is a wonderful husband and dad, owns a beautiful home, and enjoys his community and friends. I would say he has done very well. He is the first to say that directing to military service was the right advice. We are very proud of him.
All kids are not stamped into existence with a cookie cutter. They are all different. Unfortunately, parents are not given an operations manual at birth that tells us what is the right way to handle every challenge with every child.
I am sure the majority of parents intend to do the best they can for each of their children. What works for mine may not work for yours, and vice versa.
The wisdom is in knowing what to do and when to do it. I won't purport to have all the answers but I am always glad to share what solutions have worked and which haven't.
You are entitled to your opinion . . . and hopefully, you will have the discernment to know the right advice to give to your children should the need arise. I think there are very few times in life that anyone should be left down and out, unless they are miscreants, felons, drug addicts, etc. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom if they are addicts or anti-social thugs . . . but for most people . . . guidance, a helping hand, and clearly outlined expectations are more likely to get a person on a path to success.
Ah men from the poster with the "irresponsible" teen.
There was a thread (from a poster on this thread) that was asking about what to do with an 18 year old who had been into drugs, and had sex in his parent's bed (actually on the only weekend he had ever been left alone), and was not a responsible person at all- ( didn't take care of or feed his own pets). So many people told her she should kick him out so that he could learn responsibility. Or encourage him to go into the service.--I was one of those. She countered that it took some kids longer to grow up and some are just absentminded, like when he can't find his keys, or walks out without locking the door. PLEAZZEE!! My thought was that he was never given any responsibility or consequences for his actions at a young age, too much was done for him. He really needs some structure and dicipline for his own good. I fear he will never be an independant contributing member of society.
"My thought was that he was never given any responsibility or consequences for his actions at a young age, too much was done for him".
Your thought was wrong. Never, is a very strong word and your armchair judgement is offensive and ignorant as you were not there and haven't a clue what you are talking about. Since I did not spell out my child's upbringing, events in his life, every single consequence or responsibilites he has had, you assume he had none based on a few events I mentioned from the last few months. Generalize much? P.S. He is back in college and still has his job.......
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