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I wanted to add that just because your 18-21 does not follow your advice that does not mean they do not want to hear it. Many 18-21s value the opinion of their parents even if they don't follow their advice 100% of the time. At least that is what I have been told by a real, live young man.
Of course, I am sure your son values your opinion as you give, IMO, very good advice here.
I did want to say, however, that he probably learned to not only trust your judgement but knows that you have good intentions. That in itself is very good socializing and chances are that he probably socializes very well among his peers.
For children who grow up in families where the parents lose credibility and assume the worst in their child's behavior do not have the opportunity to learn this important skill. Their parents have to give it first in order for the child to learn it.
Anyway, that is the best I can explain it. Set your children up for success!
I've been pondering this for a few days. I think I know far more 18-year olds who have moved out on their own rather than been thrown out by their parents.
Nearly all the people I've known who were thrown out at 18 had drug problems and the parents didn't have the tools to help them. Or were fed up with the problems (stealing from their family mostly) and the disrespect and tossed Junior out because he didn't want to do anything BUT drugs. I can only think of two or three people who were tossed out simply because they'd turned 18. And those came from poorer families.
Yes, most kids that leave at age 18 did so on their own. My sister left home at age 18 and did perfectly fine on her own.
I think somewhere between 18 and 23, a child should have learned the skills it takes to work, pay bills and survive, adulthood should not be delayed by many many years after age 18. If they go 4 years to college, they won't finish until age 22, but often kids have jobs and independence even while in college.
That is kind of funny.
Luckily we don't use the alarm system at my house, we're renting and I don't even think we have it set up.
My mom told me if I can get in the house without being heard then she is ok with me not having a curfew but if it starts becoming a disturbance then she will set one. It wouldn't be mandatory that I be home by that time but if I am going to be out later than whatever time she sets, which usually was 12am before then I should find a friends to crash at that night.
More often than not, I usually sleep elsewhere, I am hardly ever home at night and more often than not I sleep at TG's and just come home in the AM before I have to get ready for work.
My mom doesn't even ask me to call her or tell her if I'm not coming home. I don't think she cares.
But it sounded like it worked out well for you guys.
Your situation is different. You despise your mother and use her every way you can but you will not move out and be your own adult. I don't really know why she tolerates you still mooching off her.
I would not want to have the relationship with my kids that your mother has with you. I don't actually boot my kids out once they hit 18 but they know it's my house, not theirs and if they don't agree with me or the house rules, I make sure they know where the doors is and that I would even help them pack. I expect a whole lot more respect and courtesy from my kids at age 18 than you give your mother.
Of course, I am sure your son values your opinion as you give, IMO, very good advice here.
I did want to say, however, that he probably learned to not only trust your judgement but knows that you have good intentions. That in itself is very good socializing and chances are that he probably socializes very well among his peers.
For children who grow up in families where the parents lose credibility and assume the worst in their child's behavior do not have the opportunity to learn this important skill. Their parents have to give it first in order for the child to learn it.
Anyway, that is the best I can explain it. Set your children up for success!
So well said!!!
It's sad that more parents aren't prepared to do that.
It's sad that more parents aren't prepared to do that.
They aren't and it follows generations and its a vicious cycle.
My mom's parents kicked her and her step-brother out at 18, neither have succeeded in life.
Neither make very much money, neither are happy in their lives.
There has to be someone to break that chain, someone has to make the change, someone has to turn around and support their kids and make sure they get a good start into adulthood or it'll never break the cycle.
They aren't and it follows generations and its a vicious cycle.
My mom's parents kicked her and her step-brother out at 18, neither have succeeded in life.
Neither make very much money, neither are happy in their lives.
There has to be someone to break that chain, someone has to make the change, someone has to turn around and support their kids and make sure they get a good start into adulthood or it'll never break the cycle.
I hope you dedicate yourself to breaking that cycle in your family
For anyone like you who is not getting the mentoring the under 21 crowd still needs, I sincerely hope you will all seek out another trusted adult in your life to mentor and guide you.
Glad that txtqueen is up for the challenge of breaking the cycle. It has been the most wonderful journey I could have undertaken and has lead me down paths that were always there, waiting for me to take them.
Your approach would have backfired with me big time. That's a pretty sweet deal when you think about it - you get to move out of your parent's house, get a place of your own with your friends, work minimal part time hours and you get your clothes/insurance/food/car maintenance taken care of by your parents... You have fewer responsibilities than a teenager (a teen has school) and you have all of the freedom of adulthood. Why on earth would you blow that deal by getting a full time job and supporting yourself? Lol.
I'm glad it worked out o.k. in your situation, though.
I think we know we have a healthy family when mom and dad offer to help and the son or daughter say, 'Folks, I know I have some little problems, but I'd feel better if you let me struggle out of them myself'. I think good parents will always care for their kids and in part, will still think of them as children. I think good kids will pride themselves in their independence and self sufficiency and would rather struggle than ask parents for assistance.
None of us is the perfect family, but I think the ideal to work for is stated above.
Perhaps the attitude of a young adult reflects all the years of upbringing by his parents.
Perhaps we should think about going through with accidental pregnancies and reconsider having children because it is somehow expected of us.
Last edited by goldengrain; 12-05-2011 at 05:32 AM..
They aren't and it follows generations and its a vicious cycle.
My mom's parents kicked her and her step-brother out at 18, neither have succeeded in life.
Neither make very much money, neither are happy in their lives.
There has to be someone to break that chain, someone has to make the change, someone has to turn around and support their kids and make sure they get a good start into adulthood or it'll never break the cycle.
Yes and it sounds like your mother is the one who has broken the cycle by allowing you to stay living in her house well into your 20's.
Your mother had a rougher life obviously, she had to leave home at age 18 and make it on her own, no help from her parents but how can you say she hasn't succeeded when she's providing you and your brother a place to live?
Some kids need more structure and discipline in their early 20s than others. This young man has turned out to be a fine employee, husband and dad, but he just didn't have things pulled together when he finished up college.
In their 20s, they are no longer "kids".
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821
Don't know what it is that I wrote that ticked you off so much, lol. I think you misread something - I was saying my parents are proud of THEIR GRANDCHILDREN. My sisters and I do not have any grandchildren - our kids range from 13 to 28, lol.
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821
Well, you should handle your children however you choose. This is how we decided to handle this particular young adult, and obviously it had a positive outcome. He has worked his way up the career ladder, is a wonderful husband and dad,...
I don't believe your utopia is as honest as you are depicting. Many times you contradict yourself. Here, you state you don't have grandkids, but then state your son is a "wonderful husband and dad". Unless, of course, you don't count your step children as yours and their children as your grandchildren. And if you don't, you can't really claim credit for how they turned out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
Disagree. LEAVING someone down and out is basically allowing them to take responsibility for themselves. Bailing them out is taking responsibility for them. It is my RESPONSIBILITY to allow them to feel the consequences of their actions to whatever degree they can handle without dying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime
At 20, I still need my mom.
I think I have a better advantage than most kids my age.
Trouble is, at 20, you are no longer a "kid".
Quote:
Originally Posted by springfieldva
I don't think anyone is advocating "kicking them out the door" and turning a cold shoulder to them.
But there is no better feeling than knowing that you can take care of yourself. Seeing yourself as a self sufficient, competent and independent adult is priceless. Sure it may involve eating Ramen, driving a cheap car, wearing an outfit until it is threadbare - but that feeling of being in control of yourself is sooo worth it. No way would I take that from my kids.
Agree 100%
Quote:
Originally Posted by bbekity
... negative because you weren't "military" like by offering your children a soft place to land when needed.
LOL, Yup, wrap them in cotton so they never get hurt.
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