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I'm going to try to say this as gently as possible, because I'm not sensing you're a bad person or a mean one, just an overwhelmed one.
I can perfectly understand why you would be resentful of your bf's son's mother, who doesn't work, receives welfare, food stamps, and child support, has a place to ship her child off to every weekend, while you are saddled with a small baby full time and HER son on weekends, working a full time job, and trying to keep your head above water. I would be frustrated as all hell myself. So I understand that.
BUT, you did know that he had a baby (or a baby on the way, I'm a little confused on that) when you got together with him. And you chose him, and chose to have yet another baby with him when he couldn't fully support the first one (I'm guessing, since the mother is receiving public aid.) He can't possibly support two kids working part time at UPS, therefore, it falls on the mothers or the state you live in. So all these problems result from the bad decisions that ADULTS made.
I think all these negative feelings you have towards the boy's mother as well as all the pressure you are under is causing you to resent him so. But I'm sure you are already aware none of this is his fault. Kids are very intuitive, and I'm quite sure he can sense your dislike, which may be the reason he's so unhappy and crying all the time when he's at your house.
Your boyfriend needs a full time job, another part time job, or doing something to take some of the strain off you. You need to try to put your resentment aside, and be as nice as possible to the little boy when he's with you. If your are unable to do that, I would suggest leaving the relationship. If you're working full time supporting yourself, your baby, and helping your bf with his child support and expenses as well, you would do just as well supporting just yourself and your own baby, and sparing his child the experience of being around a woman who doesn't like him.
Good luck, whatever you decide. I hope things get better for you.
Thank you for your response. I have thought of ending the relationship because of this and because I dont want to treat ANYBODY as less than a child of God and his son DOESNT deserve to be treated that way. Its hard as most of you can understand to leave a relationship where your partner virtually did nothing to cause it. I dont know if I can do it.
Whatever happened to getting maried first and then having a baby...these girls bring all this misery on themselves. Yes, in 18 months he may be gone OR you may be preggers again!!
Dont forget the birth control and you can forget the additional misery.
MY DAUGHTER COMES BEFORE ANY AND EVERYBODY. Bottom line. I dont care who you are.
Anyways. Im not taking anything from anybody. If anything his bm and his son are taking from ME. When moneys low or his hours got cut who pays the child support? ME! So ultimately they are taking from my daughter. And no I dont expect child support to cover every thing but child support plus Welfare PLUS foodstamps what the hell else is there to buy???
And he goes to work 10p-3a and school 8a-5p/ When does he have time to get a SECOND job??
SMH
I'm 22 by the way.
Give it a rest little girl. YOU HAVE TAKEN AWAY FROM THAT LITTLE BOY. You did that just by having a kid with his father.
And as for taking away from YOUR kid?? YOU are doing that. By paying HIS child support. So, tell me this, what made him so attractive to you that you just had to get knocked up by him, even though YOU KNEW he can't afford the FIRST kid he ALREADY HAD???? Wow, he saw you coming a mile away. Hmmm... not only does he only get to work part-time, he's got YOU paying the bills and doing all the grunt work at home. And how was THAT attractive to you that you had to move in with him?
If you want to take care of your daughter, and ONLY your daughter, then move your azz out and go home. And by the way, that little boy's mother isn't the only bm in this situation.
Geezus, how the heck do people manage to make such messes of their lives?
Im not mean to the kid. I just am annoyed personally. When hes at our home Im so preoccupied with my dd that I wouldnt have time for him anyways. His dad is the one who takes care of him. He isnt my son or step son so I dont feel I SHOULD take care of him. If my bf and I ever split and he had a new girlfriend I would not want her to take care of my daughter either. Now if we were to get married then that would be different, I would be his step mom.
I tried keeping an open mind about the situation until I got to this point.
Excuse me for stating this, as I have no clue of how you guys live your lives, but you chose this situation (as you stated in a previous post) and now you must find a more adult way of dealing with it other than asking a bunch of strangers what we think you should do.
If you love your boyfriend then it shouldn't matter how much his son annoys you, you have a responsibility to take care of one son just like the other. Do you honestly think his other son is any less a part of your family, or doesn't deserve the same amount of respect, that the one you bore does? News flash, they are both their father's children, regardless of who he impregnated to get them here.
The fact that you throw the whole "it would be different if we were married" bit is just plain ridiculous. Neither of the poor kids had a choice to be born, and the fact that you treat his other son indifferently truly makes me wonder if you're even suitable to raise children yourself. I know that sounds insulting but that's the risk you run when posting things like this to the internet. The reason I say this is because you also throw out things like "if my bf and I ever split. . ."; that said, why'd you have a child in the first place? You do understand that if you guys do break up, YOU will be putting your perceived burden of YOUR child on the lap of the OTHER mom.
I really am not trying to insult you or your parenting skills. I just think the way you've expressed how you feel about this other child is freakin' outrageous. You sound smart enough to know that you should be setting an example of how to raise his other son more appropriately and not whining about how an 18 month old "personally annoys" you. 18 month olds are not capable of personally annoying anybody. It's obvious you just don't like anything about his ex and, you said it yourself, are pissed you don't have your perceived "perfect family".
Just my humble, worthless opinion.
EDIT:
Quote:
Originally Posted by soconfused112
Im not quite sure why everyone is making it seem like im just beating the kids and not feeding him or something. I dont yell at him hit him or anything.
I feel like if my bf and I break up and he got a new GIRLFRIEND (not wife gf) that I wouldnt want her to play mommy to my baby. Its not her place just like it isnt mine. And its not just diaper wipes. Its everything. Im scrapping to make ends meet while this chick is living it up for NOTHING. How hard is it to provide wipes for your own kid and send food when those things dont cost her anything. But for me $30 in food is hitting hard. I make enough to support myself and my daughter. No one else.
And as for my bf moving on to someone else. HA! thats funny. LMAO. Wow that made my day.
Then I read this. What exactly is a "wife gf"?
Do you honestly expect the kid to come with a "kid-kit" or something everytime he gets dropped off to you?
Your age is really starting to show through.
Last edited by SkiScree; 12-02-2011 at 01:21 PM..
Reason: Deleted a possible insult that could have been perceived as personal.
Its hard as most of you can understand to leave a relationship where your partner virtually did nothing to cause it. I dont know if I can do it.
He didn't "do nothing"; he's not supporting his child. Child support is calculated figuring in the time the child spends with each parent. When his son is at your boyfriend's house, the mom should not need to send supplies over; your boyfriend should supply everything the child needs while he's in his care. It doesn't matter if the mom is living it up on welfare, that's annoying as heck and unfair, but that should have nothing to do with how the boy is cared for at his dad's house. You can't control the actions of other people, you can only make the best choice YOU can make in the situation.
I don't know if you'll find this helpful - but something that has really helped me achieve peace is something called "The Work" by Byron Katie. It's a way of coming to acceptance about a situation, so you can more clearly see solutions. About The Work :: The Work of Byron Katie
She's got a lot of videos on youtube and on her site, so you can see it in action, and get a feel for how to do it. It's relatively simple; it's been transformative for me.
I'm not sure that you HAVE to figure out WHY you're feeling the way you are toward the little boy, at least not right now. Right now, work on helping him feel as welcome and happy when he's with you as you can. It will be hard! But growth comes through action, as well as contemplation. You might find "acting as if" will lead you to more compassion for him, naturally.
Give it a rest little girl. YOU HAVE TAKEN AWAY FROM THAT LITTLE BOY. You did that just by having a kid with his father.
And as for taking away from YOUR kid?? YOU are doing that. By paying HIS child support. So, tell me this, what made him so attractive to you that you just had to get knocked up by him, even though YOU KNEW he can't afford the FIRST kid he ALREADY HAD???? Wow, he saw you coming a mile away. Hmmm... not only does he only get to work part-time, he's got YOU paying the bills and doing all the grunt work at home. And how was THAT attractive to you that you had to move in with him?
If you want to take care of your daughter, and ONLY your daughter, then move your azz out and go home. And by the way, that little boy's mother isn't the only bm in this situation.
Geezus, how the heck do people manage to make such messes of their lives?
LMAO wow. I'll address this one at a time.
1) im far from a "little girl" im grown.
2) If I dont pay HIS child support my bank account will be frozen.
3) I dont pay it every month. I've only paid it twice becaus his hours were cut those months.
4)He pays half the rent and the electric bill. I dont pay everything alone.
5)You know very very little about our relationship and honestly it doesnt concern you WHY im with him and WHY we CHOSE to have a baby.The subject is of his son and my feelings. Not my relationship with his father. Lets stay on topic.
6)I havent taken anything from anybody. How do you figure I've taken from his son? Please explain this to me.
I tried keeping an open mind about the situation until I got to this point.
Excuse me for stating this, as I have no clue of how you guys live your lives, but you chose this situation (as you stated in a previous post) and now you must find a more adult way of dealing with it other than asking a bunch of strangers what we think you should do.
If you love your boyfriend then it shouldn't matter how much his son annoys you, you have a responsibility to take care of one son just like the other. Do you honestly think his other son is any less a part of your family, or doesn't deserve the same amount of respect, that the one you bore does? News flash, they are both their father's children, regardless of who he impregnated to get them here.
The fact that you throw the whole "it would be different if we were married" bit is just plain ridiculous. Neither of the poor kids had a choice to be born, and the fact that you treat his other son indifferently truly makes me wonder if you're even suitable to raise children yourself. I know that sounds insulting but that's the risk you run when posting things like this to the internet. The reason I say this is because you also throw out things like "if my bf and I ever split. . ."; that said, why'd you have a child in the first place? You do understand that if you guys do break up, YOU will be putting your perceived burden of YOUR child on the lap of the OTHER mom. Excuse me for saying this but you're a living hypocrite.
I really am not trying to insult you or your parenting skills. I just think the way you've expressed how you feel about this other child is freakin' outrageous. You sound smart enough to know that you should be setting an example of how to raise his other son more appropriately and not whining about how an 18 month old "personally annoys" you. 18 month olds are not capable of personally annoying anybody. It's obvious you just don't like anything about his ex and, you said it yourself, are pissed you don't have your perceived "perfect family".
I usually don't advocate the use of parenting books but in this case they may be warrented. Just my humble, worthless opinion.
The reason I throw marriage out there is because I wouldnt want anyone less than a LEgal step mother to have anything to do with MY child. So as my mother taught me I treat others how I want to be treated.
Thanks for your post though.
He didn't "do nothing"; he's not supporting his child. Child support is calculated figuring in the time the child spends with each parent. When his son is at your boyfriend's house, the mom should not need to send supplies over; your boyfriend should supply everything the child needs while he's in his care. It doesn't matter if the mom is living it up on welfare, that's annoying as heck and unfair, but that should have nothing to do with how the boy is cared for at his dad's house. You can't control the actions of other people, you can only make the best choice YOU can make in the situation.
I don't know if you'll find this helpful - but something that has really helped me achieve peace is something called "The Work" by Byron Katie. It's a way of coming to acceptance about a situation, so you can more clearly see solutions. About The Work :: The Work of Byron Katie
She's got a lot of videos on youtube and on her site, so you can see it in action, and get a feel for how to do it. It's relatively simple; it's been transformative for me.
I'm not sure that you HAVE to figure out WHY you're feeling the way you are toward the little boy, at least not right now. Right now, work on helping him feel as welcome and happy when he's with you as you can. It will be hard! But growth comes through action, as well as contemplation. You might find "acting as if" will lead you to more compassion for him, naturally.
How do you figure hes not supporting his child?
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