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This is one of the stranger threads I've read here. I cannot fathom how anyone would think it's a good idea to (1) put an ad like that on CL and (2) answer such an ad. I have used CL successfully in the past, but was careful about it and used some common sense. This scenario is just a bad idea all the way around.
Giving should have no strings attached. Anonymous giving is best -- the person who gives with the true spirit of giving does not need acknowledgment or to fulfill some need of his or her own. IMO.
I agree with this as well. This is their last Christmas together. Why would you want to intrude on this family's special time together?
I'm sorry suenjohn, I don't want to sound mean, but I wouldn't want to intrude on their time as well if I were you, even if it's for "10 minutes". As a matter of fact, I would just drop of the gifts and leave. I wouldn't even need to go in ( in any situation ) and "verify" like you said - I'm doing the nice thing by providing some gifts, and that's all it matters. I don't need to see the child's face when opening gifts to know that he/she is happy when he/she opens the gift. But that's just what I would do. Anyway, your intentions sound nice, but I think it would be very wrong to spend time with them on Christmas, especially considering that the Mother is terminally ill. This is their last Christmas and each second is so very precious for them. I would feel very guilty if I were you for taking even 10 minutes out of their such limited time - and on top of that, you're a complete stranger to them. Sorry, I didn't want to sound harsh...Best of luck to you.
You posted on Craigslist offering gifts and you expect it to be real? Craigslist has its uses, however this is not a smart one.
Also, if you really wanted to help someone there are a lot of legit organizations. The fact that you are posting on Craigslist instead of going through one of the hundreds of other venues makes you sound less legitimate as well.
And FYI, it is considered extremely rude to "donate" and expect to come inside someone's house.
How were you planning on verifying that she is dying? So far all you know is that she told you she is dying and even if she gives you a more specific prognosis you still won't know for sure. I have to agree that this is lame brain idea fraught with the probability of abuse. The fact that a nine year old boy wants a doll and doll carriage makes it even more strange. And the idea of your taking pictures...
Drop the presents off at the door, ring the doorbell and run before they open it if you want to. Don't get involved in their lives or there may be no end to it in sight. You won't know if they are really needy but obviously more so than you and that is your option.
You posted on Craigslist offering gifts and you expect it to be real? Craigslist has its uses, however this is not a smart one.
Also, if you really wanted to help someone there are a lot of legit organizations. The fact that you are posting on Craigslist instead of going through one of the hundreds of other venues makes you sound less legitimate as well.
And FYI, it is considered extremely rude to "donate" and expect to come inside someone's house.
Agreed with everything above. You opted into this...there were many safer ways to go about it. You can't demand to call the doctor or speak to the boy. You either take the risk or you back out. But if you do decide to take the risk, then do it with a good heart. Let's say the baby doll ISN'T for the boy...then it's probably for some little girl who will have a merry Christmas when she finds it under the tree. If the family could afford to buy it, I'm sure they would have. If there is some sort of scheme going on, it sounds like a scheme from someone who is so far down on their luck that claiming an illness seemed like the only way to get toys for their kids.
I would just say either let it go and don't donate...or donate and still let it go. When you give gifts, you don't get to control the outcome.
I never said Christmas Eve, and only two visits.
One to meet and verify.
We'd give her the other 1-2 gifts for her to wrap up, well before Christmas Day.
One more Christmas Day, for maybe 10-15 minutes to bring an extra gift that Santa forgot.
Lunch was only an idea to replace her invitation for us to dinner. The whole matter of lunch, or a meal can be scrapped.
If they do not keep that Christmas Day appointment, maybe early afternoon, then we know we may have gotten taken for a few dollars. No big deal.
We know the people who have kids, don't understand people who do not have kids, this time of year.
I have a daughter now but I remember all to well how painful this time of year could be before I was blessed to have her..... so I get this sense that you are looking for a way to "pretend" for a little while that you have a child.
If you have their contact info - just buy the darn thing on Amazon and have it shipped (wrapped) to their home. Then find something else to do on your holiday. There are tons of legit organzations out there that really need a helping hand this time of year...
(sort of off topic - but I was reading how many charity organizations don't like to admit this but food drive are a tremendous drain on their resources and most need help picking up the food, sorting it, bundling it for distribution)
Can I ask if you specified in your ad that you were looking for a little boy who wouldn't be having a Christmas? That might explain the doll request, which could actually be for a little girl (who may also be deserving).
I don't think it's sick or twisted to visit a family in need ON Christmas, IF that family has invited you to do so. Some people LOVE having lots of people over on Christmas - even strangers! And the kids may very well feel like they were visited by angels, not that someone creeps them out by watching them open gifts. How cynical people are!
I grew up quite poor, and I would have LOOOVED it if strangers bearing gifts dropped by for a few minutes *on* Christmas. It would have made Christmas that much more special.
I think your plan of lots of communication with the family will be very helpful; you can get a feel for their needs. You can ask how the kids would feel if you came over - some kids would love it, others would hate it. The mom should know her kids well enough to know how they'd react.
I would just be straight up with the family, and ask, "Is there someone else you'd like to give the doll & carriage to?" If you can afford it, why not give them that gift, as well? Of course, it IS possible the boy would like a doll and carriage; maybe his nurturing side hasn't been socialized out of him.
I would also ask to see hospital records. I don't think it's out of line at all to make sure you're not being scammed.
There sure are a lot of armchair psychologists out there! I do believe that, ultimately, pure giving doesn't have attachment involved. I also believe that everyone is simply human, and if a person experiences enjoyment from seeing someone receive what they have given, there is *absolutely* nothing wrong with that at all. Our world can be SO isolated, SO disconnected, everything done at a distance, sterile, safe. Take a risk! Make a connection! I think it's a beautiful thing. But cover your a** as well.
Meet them in public first. Let them know you've forwarded their emails to a friend, so if anything happens to you, they can be traced. (then do that) Do as much research as needed for you to feel satisfied that their story is true, and they do have this need. Make yourself safe, then enjoy the connection formed by your generosity. (and it IS generosity, not an illness! sheesh)
I think I would proceed with caution, in fact I don't know if I would go through with it. At my office we adopt several families in lieu of giving gifts to each other, but the families and their situation are all vetted either through churches and charity organizations or known personally by someone in the office. There are plenty of people who need help, but I think I would try to reach them through a community organization, charity or church long before I just posted a random message asking if anyone needed help.
I also don't get the desire to meet them, is that some sort of way you figured you would vet their story, or is it that you want the satisfaction of seeing them get the presents. If it's the latter, I would caution that charity is its own reward and the feeling should be tied to giving the gift and not some satisfaction of seeing the fruits of the charity.
You basically have two choices. Go ahead with it and provide them what they ask for and don't think twice about it, it is charity afterall; or you can back out and try to seek out a different outlet for your charity that is more formalized.
I agree with NJ Goat. Our Bible study adopts a family for Christmas through our local social services agency. We know it's legit b/c the agency screens the families, collects the donated gifts, and brings them to their home. Also, they make sure that families are only adopted once.
The judgement is only based upon what the OP has said and inferred as to their reasons for doing this.
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I don't think it's sick or twisted to visit a family in need ON Christmas, IF that family has invited you to do so. Some people LOVE having lots of people over on Christmas - even strangers! And the kids may very well feel like they were visited by angels, not that someone creeps them out by watching them open gifts. How cynical people are!
While it seems the mother offered to let them stay, there is also a strong element of negotiation and pressure involved here. The OP wants something in return for their generosity and they have not exactly denied that implication. A terminally ill woman wants her last Christmas with her son to be special and she is willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen even if it means "selling out" her last Christmas.
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I think your plan of lots of communication with the family will be very helpful; you can get a feel for their needs. You can ask how the kids would feel if you came over - some kids would love it, others would hate it. The mom should know her kids well enough to know how they'd react.
I have a strong feeling the OP won't choose to "adopt" this family if they are not allowed the visit. All of the posts regarding going over on Christmas and the family not being home are what the OP considers the scam element. To the OP, this is a business deal, not charity.
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I would also ask to see hospital records. I don't think it's out of line at all to make sure you're not being scammed.
You don't think that's an insane violation of a persons privacy? If you want to give, give. No strings attached and no sorting through medical records to verify the story. If the OP wanted a fully vetted family that needed help they could have easily done that through another organization, but then they risk losing out on their end of the transaction.
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There sure are a lot of armchair psychologists out there! I do believe that, ultimately, pure giving doesn't have attachment involved. I also believe that everyone is simply human, and if a person experiences enjoyment from seeing someone receive what they have given, there is *absolutely* nothing wrong with that at all. Our world can be SO isolated, SO disconnected, everything done at a distance, sterile, safe. Take a risk! Make a connection! I think it's a beautiful thing. But cover your a** as well.
While there are plenty of armchair psychologists, the OP has not exactly denied or defended themselves against the allegations. Essentially they have even admitted that, yes, they are doing exactly what everyone is accusing them of doing and simply defends it by saying we wouldn't understand.
There is nothing wrong with deriving enjoyment from seeing the fruits of your charity, however, when the charity is only done for the enjoyment or benefit of the giver it is sullied and IMO wrong.
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